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The Hunting Dog - Chapter 1



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Thu Jun 02, 2011 4:37 am
Payne says...



Spoiler! :
New and revised draft; the story has changed somewhat. Feel free to rip it to bloody shreds.


The Hunting Dog


© 2011 by Payne

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Chapter 1


The people of Spica were half-serious when claiming that they lived on the very edge of the world. To the east, a sharp red butte cut off the sky. Its chalky sides made it nearly impossible to scale, but provided the foundation for their homes. Spicans generally disregarded it, though, instead looking to the west, where the desert stretched on as far as the eye could see. Somewhere out there was a world foreign to them, unseen by most simply because the journey was so strenuous.

The village itself was built somewhere in-between, on the harsh scrublands. The living was difficult, but as a result of it, the people became strong.



Cane Venatici stepped outside. A small twister of dust swirled between the clay houses, dancing on a hot breeze. The sky had turned a deeper blue. There were no clouds—only the stars and a full moon, turning the cracked ground to silver.

A small hand wrapped itself around his. “Can we go now?” Pyxis asked impatiently, staring up at him with those dark green eyes. They looked black in the moonlight.

Another gust of air swept through the village, and she rubbed the back of her hand across her forehead, leaving a dirty smudge.

Cane dutifully knelt, wiping it away with his sleeve and straightening her clothes. “Now, do you remember how Papa told you to behave?”

“Yes.”

“What did he say?”

She sighed heavily, fidgeting with her braid. “Don’t go too near the fire, don’t bother the elders, and…um…I don’t remember the last part.”

“Don’t shout.”

She gave him a look, silently communicating the fact that he was asking her to repress natural behavior. And for an entire night, at that.

Cane stood and took her hand again, leading her past the houses and out into the open desert plain. Small fires had been lit in a loose circle out there, some for cooking and some for socializing, all surrounding a much larger fire. They had been lit and fed using dung from the stables and pyre plants from the expanse.

The villagers—the people of Spica—were scattered and clumped around the fires. Cane could sense their anticipation of the coming festivities. It was like this every year.

As they got closer, Pyxis released Cane’s hand and ran to embrace their elder brother, Boötes. As he stooped to pick her up, his black hair glinted in the firelight. It was a color shared by all three of them, inherited from their father. Pyxis looked more like their mother, with her green eyes and high cheekbones. Cane wondered often if those cheekbones had been their mother’s parting gift to her last child.

He repressed a wave of sadness and sat down next to his father, Hamal, who was seated comfortably a couple of feet from the central fire.

“What took so long?” Hamal asked.

“Pyxis,” Cane answered. “You know how she hates having her hair brushed. I had to pull out a few burrs, as well.”

Hamal chuckled. Safely away from the fire, Boötes was swinging his sister around by the arms as she laughed wildly. Her braid had already come undone; the scrap of leather Cane had tied it with was probably lying somewhere on the ground.

When Boötes finally set her down, she scurried over to deposit herself onto Hamal’s lap. “Papa, how did the hunt go?”

“See for yourself.” Boötes joined them and nodded toward the fire. A large boar was on a spit over one of the cooking fires. Its flesh was a ruddy-brown, and had a sun-weathered look that belied the tender flesh beneath it. The tusks were barely as long as Pyxis’ forearm, but the Spican hunters knew better than to underestimate them; a man had been gored to death the year before.

That was one of the reasons why Cane had chosen to stay home from the hunt this year. He was eighteen this year, and finally old enough to possibly be selected for the pilgrimage. He had no intentions of risking injury after waiting this long for a chance at such an honor.

He fidgeted in anticipation. Boötes gave him a cursory glance, then paused and turned to study him. “Little brother…are you wearing one of my shirts?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Cane fidgeted again, this time in discomfort. Hamal chuckled and said, “Because he’s growing out of his old clothes, Boötes. And so are you.”

Boötes scowled and fidgeted with his sleeve, which was indeed getting a little snug. “It’s not so bad yet.”

“Go see Zaniah about it tomorrow,” Hamal said absently, staring into the fire.

“Zaniah is a thousand and one years old,” Pyxis said matter-of-factly. Hamal, trying to repress a chuckle, patted her on the head. “That’s not a kind thing to say, little one. She is old, but nowhere near a thousand.”

Her face scrunched up. It was an expression of pure stubbornness, perfected by headstrong children the world over. She evidently preferred her version.

Cane would never say it out loud, but he agreed. The old woman was undoubtedly the best weaver in the village, but her craggy face made her look like some sort of ancient prophetess born from the desert.

After a while, someone called for music. The brothers Wasat and Tejat eagerly ran to fetch their instruments—camel-hide drums for Wasat, and an ancient, well-worn sitar for Tejat

They began to play somewhat tunelessly, making a cacophony of thumps and twangs. It took a few minutes of arguing amongst themselves, but at last they began to play a mournful old tune.

Cane heard a familiar roar of disapproval; nineteen-year-old Baham stood up, towering over the seated figures, a massive chunk of meat clutched in one hand. “Something cheerful!” he bellowed. “Are you trying to murder us all with sadness?”

Someone snickered, and Cane saw Baham’s mother tugging irritably at the hem of his tunic, obviously trying to get him to sit back down.

Baham was rarely soft-spoken on a normal day, but tonight he seemed to be shouting intentionally.

Cane shook his head. The brothers’ flustered performance. Baham’s overt displays. The general atmosphere of tense anticipation.

It was all because of the pilgrimage. It had been a full year since the last pilgrim’s return, and the time had come for a new one to be chosen.

Any male between the age of eighteen and twenty-one was eligible to be selected. Some viewed the possibility with fear, others with solemn awe. There were the odd few who showed no interest at all.

Cane wasn’t sure whether he was thrilled or terrified at the prospect of possibly being chosen; tonight, all he felt was a sort of numb serenity.

The pilgrimage was generally explained very simply: the chosen youth would make the five-day journey to the village of Kaitos, and either return home immediately or venture farther out into the world. It was a test of basic survival and determination.



As time went by and the fires burned lower, some of the old women began to spin tales for the now-quiet children, who listened intently with wide eyes. They were sated on rich meat, and their minds readily strayed to the distant lands the women created.

The others gathered closer to the coals, waiting for the moment they had been looking forward to since the day began. Tejat and his brother had retired their instruments; the only sounds were the low voices of the storytellers, the crackling of the fire, and the thriving noises of the desert.

A woman rose from the assembled crowd, hair concealing her face, and stepped forward like a newborn calf on unsteady legs. Clutched in her right hand was an urn of wine. She raised it to her lips, tilting her head back, and the dark curtain of hair fell away.

Cane had admired Andromeda before, but tonight there was something different about her. Something wild, barbaric, and sensual. Maybe it was her serene expression, or maybe it was the way her eyes never strayed from the central fire, which had dwindled away to the coals.

Her bare feet carried her to the edge of it, and with a careless movement she tossed the urn into the embers. It shattered, throwing flames high in a way that wouldn’t have been possible on any other night.

The young woman’s hips swayed gently under a few scant layers of silk—crimson, sienna, indigo—and Cane was hypnotized.

He didn’t know how long she stared into the swimming coals, that wild look in her eyes, but eventually she raised her head and looked directly at him. “Cane Venatici,” she sighed.

His stomach jolted with excitement, but he knew he must have misheard her.

Then the men were looking around dazedly, as though woken from a deep sleep, and the women stretched like cats.

“Cane Venatici,” Andromeda repeated, holding out her hand.

He stood, still certain that he was imagining all of this. Andromeda’s dark eyes stared into his soul, and he knew that she could see the fear and excitement and dread intermingling within.

As he approached, heart hammering, she watched him coyly through her eyelashes. “Congratulations, Cane. The pilgrimage is yours.”



Last edited by Payne on Sat Jan 07, 2012 3:59 am, edited 20 times in total.
  





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Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:04 pm
Lollipopper says...



Hey Payne, thanks for the story.
To tell you the truth, there's not much to pick out with this. It was pretty good! I like the story you're creating, but there's something it's missing. I can't tell precisely what it is, but I think you need a tad, literally a tad bit more description. What is the color of Andromeda's scarves? What other things are in the village? What is the structure of Pyxis's face? Don't get down to the nitty-gritty and don't overwork the system because you seriously almost nailed it, but I do think you need a little more.

Happy writing and just ask for a review!

--Lollipopper
Yeah, that's Hedwig staring at you determinedly.
  





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Thu Jun 09, 2011 3:31 am
Skittles says...



wow! this is great...no nitpicks...so yeah, just gunna like this piece...
~Skittles
P.S. CONTINUE THIS STORY!!!! i wanna learn more!
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Piss off you poser
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Fri Jun 10, 2011 5:02 pm
Indianwarrior12 says...



this is a very good story. im really good at nit picking and i really cant find much to nit pick. i would really enjoy reading more of it.
Personally... I kinda wanna take the dragon.
-Angel
  





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Fri Jun 10, 2011 9:15 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Payne, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

As the others before me said, this is a pretty good piece! Not a whole lot to comment and nitpick on. I'd agree with Lollipopper about the descriptions -- right now I have a very vague idea of the setting and the characters, and I'd like to have a better image of this chapter.

Also, I feel like the gathering was hurried; that would be the perfect time for Cane to strike up some conversations with other people, to get an idea of just who he is and what he's like, how he relates to people, etc.

You cut out quite a few details that I think would help give more substance to your work and make it have a feeling of completeness; for instance, take this sentence:
Everyone in the village of Spica was assembled around the fire, eating, drinking, and dancing under the light of a half-moon. A group of musicians played cheerfully.

Maybe mention the clashes of bright colors from the different types of garments. Relate the way they're interacting, the way everyone seems to be in good spirits, or how some seem anxious for what's coming tonight. Show us how they dance and laugh to the sprightly/magical/exhilarating music. Just show us more.

H'okay, so that's all I've got to say. Onto the next chapter!
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Sun Jun 19, 2011 8:06 pm
Cspr says...



Hello! Cspr here and ready to review. First off, I'll say I'm liking this. I definitely get the feel of what's going on, which matters a lot to me.

Now, for nitpicking:

"Only Pyxis had their mother’s eyes." As the readers don't know what the color of their mother's eyes is, this is a useless description. Just FYI.

Also, in my personal preference, I'd prefer "ghost hawks" to "ghostly hawks," but feel free to leave that. There's no rule against having that.

Otherwise, I suggest you try and cut down on your adverb usage and bulk up on nouns and adjectives. Give us a brighter picture. You've done well, but I want to know what goes on. Perhaps have him remember something about the hunt that ended with them having caught the boar, or have him remember them building up one of the huts, etc. Have it connected to the rest of the story, but let us see more on how he thinks. Maybe even tell us a bit more about how he thinks of his brother and sister. Also, perhaps tell us about why he thinks Andromeda is "sensual." Things like that bind the reader to the character quickly. We tend to gobble up personality--that's what makes one book different from another, after all. There's writing style--and then there's the characters, which are the most important facet of a book.

Anyway, that's about all. Keep up the good work and I'll have to read the next chapter. Maybe then I can tell you a bit more.

Good luck.
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Mon Nov 14, 2011 10:59 pm
confetti says...



This is solid work, which makes my job difficult. It's clear to me that you've gone over this many times because I didn't find much to pick at. For that reason, this review might be a short one.

The opening line was strong. I find that the strongest opening lines, the ones that really pull you in, are vague. They pull you in simply because you feel the need to understand what it's talking about. Though, after a vague opening line, you need a strong follow-up or you'll lose the readers attention. You did that, so, props. Needless to say, the rest of the story was written great, too. It was realistic and the writing flowed well enough that I could get lost in it. Wow, I hope that made some sense.

You keep a strong atmosphere throughout your story, the wording always fits and from it I've come to assume that this story is happening in the past. If it's not, you've got a bit of a dilemma. And so this part:
“Eh…why?”

seemed off to me. "Eh" seems too modern for the scene.

A couple nitpicks that I managed to spot:
As his stooped to pick her up, his black hair glinted in the firelight.

*he?
Cane fidgeted a again, this time in discomfort.

Remove the 'a'

And finally:
Somewhere in the wilderness, a night-bird sang out.

This line seemed so pointless to me. It makes for a nice transition, but you really didn't need a transition. Unless this is some strange foreshadowing that I don't know about yet, I don't see why this is in your story.

Hope this helped! I'll be getting to the rest of the story as soon as I can
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





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Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:22 am
hudz96 says...



I liked you first chapter alot.... well i like anything to read... but this, this story pulls me back so far.... well the first chapter does so far... keep writing i enjoy it.
Not to say your story makes me yearn for an elder brother again :S
Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 12:27 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hey there, I remember I said I'd review this a while back but I got busy really quick so I couldn't x) Anyways, sorry this is a bit late, but here it is!

I thought this was a really good first chapter. I love how it has an epic adventure kind of atmosphere to it. I feel like this story has a lot of potential.

I thought a lot of your descriptions really stood out, which is great. I hardly come across many phrases that stick with me to the end of a chapter, but I did with this one.

A woman rose from the assembled crowd, hair concealing her face, and stepped forward like a newborn calf on unsteady legs.

Maybe it was her serene expression, or maybe it was the way her eyes never strayed from the central fire, which had dwindled away to the coals.

Both these descriptions are really good, but when I realized that they described the same person I was a little confused. From the first description, I got the impression that it was a very old woman with shaky limbs. From the second, a more attractive and young woman. Since I live on a cow farm, it’s pretty easy for me to envision a newborn calf wobbling and shaking on fragile bones. And that description doesn’t fit a healthy young woman. If that makes any sense.

The other part that confused me was the very end. When Andromeda suddenly says’ the pilgrimage is yours’ I had several questions pop up in my head. So is she the one who calls the shots in this pilgrimage? Was the shattering glass on the fire some kind of ritual? Is she like a prophet or something? It felt like she just came out of nowhere and said this. Everything was going really smooth up until this point.

I really think you did a great job with this. I’m glad you got to introduce us to a lot of your characters. If you wanted to improve this, I would make this chapter even longer and pack in more description and dialogue. It feels like we’re going to head right into the adventure after this chapter, since Cane was called for the pilgrimage, so I doubt we’ll be able to see any of these other people for a while. That means that this fireside celebration is a crucial time to have your characters make an impression that will last us for a good long time.

I’ll be reading on! :)
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The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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