Young Writers Society

In my eyes you can see haughtiness,
In my words, notice the unduly hate?
Morbidity is my best friend,
I carry sarcasm in my veins.

I read the pages of the newspaper.
Turn, turn, it's all perfidy belligerence.
Except for an optimistic imbecile asking,
“Did you smile today?”

I sure did, the titles amuse me to death;
“The Mall is Bankrupt”,
“New Fashions Are Lame”.
And why don't you just call the mental hospital?
If you really think “The Guy's Insane”.

In bereavement, he lost a loved one.
I mock him, it makes me laugh.
Should I stimulate him to feel content?
"Well, you look better in gloomy black."

And his heart breaking tears,
not even my grandma cares.
Those things used to touch me;
I had two teeth, and wet my bed.

If you think smiling is infectious,
Come with me, and hear my speech.
You'll think I'm cryptic and folly.

But in my opinion, your credulity fails;
Believing a keen smile will make this world jolly,
is like dreaming the devil's saint.

Ooooh. I loved it. It really got across the message well. Sweet job.

Thanks, Kat!

I kind of feel bad because I'm a person that speaks fluent sarcasm, and I enjoyed this very much. I can't tell you how many times I've used the phrase "optimistic dummy" or a rough paraphrase of the last two lines. So when you say that this is not how you normally think... ah, suffice it to say that I was disappointed. But take it from a cynic: you captured the spirit perfectly.

I'm not a huge fan of poetry, so I can't tell you much about line breaks and such. As for content, however, I feel that you did a very good job. I think part of being a writer is writing about things you're not exactly familiar with, so I also give you props for doing that.

One small problem -

not even my grandma cares

is a bit of a throw-off. Change it completely if you can, but if not, the next two lines really make up for it. (They were just great. My favorite part.)

Hey there Solv! I'm so sorry this is late. With the notifications down over the past week, I hadn't realized there were hits in my WRFF thread so hopefully this still helps? I'd like to think so!

Either way, lets get this show on the road!

First off, I would like to say that I noticed something really interesting throughout this piece. Your diction is absolutely lovely. To be completely honest, I was a little surprised at the word choices and what not, so reading it was a pleasure in itself. Any poem that contains words like bereavement is a thumbs up in my books! But, as everything can be refined, here is a list of things to watch out for!

1. Consistency

You have some interesting ideals coming across. The emotion is thick and steady. The idealism is quirky and enjoyable. But, all in all, it was not very consistant.

You throw in little sections like;

In my eyes you can see haughtiness,
In my words, notice the unduly hate?
Morbidity is my best friend,
I carry sarcasm in my veins.

Its what attracted me to the poem. What made me want to read more. I was actually pretty disappointed that in the follow up stanza, you had lines like this;

Except for an optimistic dummy asking,
“Did you smile today?”

You give such beautiful diction that when you throw in words like 'dummy' it kills any chance of coming across as even somewhat intelligent. It reverts back to childish, or, at least a child who has access to a theasaurus and went crazy with it. It got to the point where I thought that you must have just spewed random words specifically to make the poem and the voice sound more intelligent. You want to keep the intelligence train rolling so don't be inconsistent! Change dummy to idiot or even something a little more wordy and descriptive.

That and you started with a lovely flow of which you abandoned. Another case of consistency down the drain. Try and keep with what you're doing. If things don't look right, fix them! I want to see you really striving for a poem that is uniform in itself, whether freebased or not.

2. Voice

I love what you tried to do here. There are sections that truly hold a lot of interest for me. But where, in God's name, did you get the idea that sarcasm and bitterness go hand in hand? Irony is the placement of two contradictions to create a smile or a laugh. Irony, in itself, does not have to be all bad or generally malignant. That being said, I was again disappointed by the fact that I hated the voice by the end of the poem.

Generally, as a sarcastic person, I use it to create something funny. It is never mean't for harms purposes. Its not my bitterness that drives me to smile at misfortune, for misfortune is not what I smile at. Its contradictions in which seem rather silly that create sarcasm. That being said, you give this character who is bitter. Who is repugnant. I did not see irony but hatred and lack of likeliness. This character who obviously seemed annoyed and irritated by certain subjects, did not appear to hold any sort of humor at all. That does not substitute for irony.

Overall:

Your diction is lovely, but your consistency is a little unrefined.

I loved the fact that you put so much effort into your diction, but in that you completely lacked in keeping this poem as constant as it could be. The characters voice, which was believable for someone who is bitter or repulsed by a certain persons actions, did not come across as ironic or sarcastic. Maybe their actions. Maybe the way in which they act as if they think something is humorous when it is not. But, in all honesty, it was not really very good irony.

That being said, if you were supposed to write a poem on irony, I would change subject matter completely. It was hard to understand the voice simply because the character was so bitter and lacked any form of compassion or sympathy. I, who am naturally sarcastic, find it hard to believe or relate to.

So, with that being said, keep working at this. Maybe lighten it up? I fear that you are getting to lost in the bitter emotions that the humor does not suffice. This piece was cynical, yes, but not ironic.

~Walker

Here as requested.

Okay. Let's get to it.

In my eyes you can see haughtiness,
In my words, notice the unduly hate?
Morbidity is my best friend,
I carry sarcasm in my veins.

I read the pages of the newspaper.
Turn, turn, it's all perfidy I think you should use deceitful or deceptive ere instead. "Perfidy" throws off the rhythm, I thinkbelligerence.
Except for an optimistic imbecile asking,
“Did you smile today?”

I sure did, the titles amuse me to death;
“The Mall is Bankrupt”,
“New Fashions Are Lame”.
And why don't you just call the mental hospital?
If you really think “The Guy's Insane”. I liked these lines, particularly the last two. Clever.

In bereavement, he lost a loved one.
I mock him, it makes me laugh.
Should I stimulate him to feel content?
"Well, you look better in gloomy black."I found these two lines sort of confuzzling...

And his heart breaking tears,
not even my grandma cares.
Those things used to touch me;
I had two teeth, and wet my bed. I hate this line so so so so much. I get it, but I think there has just got to be a better way to put it.

If you think smiling is infectious,
Come with me, and hear my speech.
You'll think I'm cryptic and folly.

But in my opinion, your credulity fails;
Believing a keen smile will make this world jolly,
is like dreaming [color=#FF0000]the devil's saint[/color]I think you need to add an "a" in there, otherwise, it can be sorta confusing and adding the "a" wouldn't really throw off the rhythm that much..

Now that that's done...I liked it. Reminded me of someone I know. It's funny because this reminded you of House and we call him House because thy look alike. Anyhow, I think you did a great job fitting the context of the challenge. Perhaps as a regular poem this wouldn't have worked as well, but for the contest it was excellent.

I'd give it, on a scale of 1-10, a 7 of 10. Above average, certainly, but not crazy awesome.

Also, sorry about my tardiness. I was grounded from the computer

I chuckled a little when I read this because I used to be horrible at sarcasm, I literally practiced sarcasm, just so I didnt seem like an idiot, so this poem was very relatable to me. Good Job, Keep Writing!