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Cody (for lack of a title) Chapter 1 edited



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Mon May 09, 2011 9:01 pm
sarebear says...



Also, I wouldn't usually opt to write in third person present tense but since the majority of the story is in past tense it's really only this chapter and the last one that might be weird.

Spoiler! :
I know it seems stupid to rate this 16+ when I'm 14, but what can I say--I'm a teenager with a dirty mind.


I

Cody rips open the packet of Marlborough’s and pulls one out. Lighting it, she sticks it in her mouth and inhales. The bitter smoke wafts between her lips and down her windpipe, then she breathes out and it snakes its way back out in a little puff, fading into the air.

Leaning back in the peeling faux-leather chair, Cody puts her hands behind her head and closes her eyes. The orangey-red of her eyelids blocks out her bed, with clothes strewn all over it. Opening them again, she sighs.

The cigarette is burning down. Removing another one from the package, she lights it from the end of the last, spitting the used one into a flower patterned tissue before the ash can fall on her. Taking a long draw from the new one, she examines her stock. There is only one packet after this one left. Heaving another great sigh, she pulls herself resentfully out of the chair.

Cody slams the front door so that it shuts despite the broken latch. She steps outside. It’s late summer and the New Jersey air is as muggy and humid as ever. She jogs nearly all the way to the park and by the time she gets there her blue and white I ♥ NY t-shirt is sticking to her stomach and underarms.

The swing sets and play-structure are deserted. Most of the swings have been broken off or else spray painted with obscenities and gang names. The play-structure is peeling, and has been vandalized as well. No children dare play in this park. Instead, a few teenagers lounge about, two on the swings and one on the slide.

“Hola Cody,” calls one of the boys on the swings as she walks by. Cody heads for where Paulo is sitting cross-legged at the top of a slide.

“¿Qué onda? Cody,” he says, “how ’bout a kiss?” Cody flashes him the finger.

“Okay, chica, just a joke.” Paulo is a pervert and a jerk but he sells cigarettes cheaper than most.

“Gimme ten,” Cody says brusquely, and tosses a wad of bills at him. Paulo throws a brown paper bag down and she counts out ten before leaving. Paulo is also a cheat. Walking back through the playground Cody remembers how many teenagers used to be there every day, at least ten as opposed to the three who remain. Back before they were all gone. Back before Madison was gone for good, before she bowed her head to avoid being noticed every time she saw Luke Rivas in the hallway. She still sees his eyes follow her sometimes, still sees the accusation and barely controlled anger in them. She never meets them.

Cody walks slowly home from the playground, thinking about Luke. She is terrified of him now, of course. Who wouldn’t be, if they’d been through what she’d been through with him? She recalls their first meeting, when she had been so star struck by his wanting to talk to her.


Her father had been beating her. Her mother worked the evening shift and was still at work, and he was drunk. They were both in her room and he was smashing his fist and the flat of his hand against her face repeatedly. It was a good thing she didn’t bruise easily, Cody thought ruefully. She knew she could take the pain, but it was her fear that others would notice if she went to school with two black eyes. She no longer struggled when he hurt her. She knew he would do it anyway, and the less she responded the sooner he seemed to tire of it.

Sometimes he shrieked obscenities at her while he beat her. Tonight his eyes were glassy and his jaw slack. His fists were slower than usual, each impact more of a dull thud than a blow. He had drunk a lot. She knew it was only a matter of time before he gave up on her, and was grateful for it. Eventually the blows subsided and he staggered off to the bathroom. Cody quickly got up and locked her door so he couldn’t come back in.

She took a look at her face in the dusty blue plastic hand-mirror on her dresser. It didn’t seem too bad. The bruises weren’t noticeable, at least not yet. She ran the comb through her hair and tied it in a ponytail with an orange hair-tie. Then she climbed quietly out of her window. It was much easier than going out the door and potentially running into him in the hallway. She didn’t want to stay in the house, not tonight. She’d come back when he was asleep. Cody dropped lightly onto the asphalt, brushing off her hands as she straightened.

“Hola,” said a masculine voice behind her. For a moment Cody thought wildly that her father must have seen her going outside and followed. Her fists jerked instinctively into a fighting position and her muscles tensed. Then she realized that the speaker was a boy, one she knew from school. They weren’t close friends, but they were part of the same friend group.

“Lev?”

“Cody.” His voice gave a silky quality to the syllables. “¿Quieres ir al cine conmigo?” “Do you want to go to the movies with me?”

Cody was confused. What had prompted this? It was eleven o’clock on a school night. But then again, why did it matter? She wanted more than anything to get away from her father, and here was the hottest mexicano in her school asking her on a date.

“What movie?”

“No sé.” he replied. He took her hand—his was large, warm and calloused—and led her away from the house. She knew her father wouldn’t miss her and her mother would assume she had gone to bed when she got home.

Lev drove them to the small local movie theater and paid the gum-chewing girl at the door for both tickets. The theatre was small but completely empty. They sat down near the back, still holding hands.

In retrospect, Cody didn’t remember what movie they had seen. What she did remember was the feeling of his big hands and his lips, on her hands, her face, his tongue inside her mouth. Exploring her collarbone with his lips, working his way up her neck to her jaw, her ear, her hairline.

His hands were gentle as they worked their way around her neck, down her back, tracing her shoulder blades. They moved with more urgency as he slid them around to the front, feeling the plane of her stomach, moving up and slipping them under her bra, pulling at her nipples which responded to his touch. Cody gave him free reign, too shocked and tired to protest even when he unbuttoned her jeans and slid his hands inside, gripping her thighs hard.

It was long past midnight when the movie was over and the gum-chewing girl interrupted them to tell them that the theater was closing. Cody was nearly asleep and Lev half-dragged her out of the building and into his car. When they pulled into her driveway Cody stumbled up to the front door, but then remembered that she was supposed to have been in her room. Lev had to boost her onto the roof so that she could climb back in through her window.

“I have something to show you tomorrow,” he said in his Spanish-touched English as she clambered into her room, “I’ll be back.”

Cody lay down on her bed, fully dressed, and dreamed of his tongue intertwined with hers.


When she woke the next morning Cody didn’t remember much from the night before. What little she did remember, though, was enough to make her breasts and stomach tingle. It was a Saturday so she took a shower, threw on a t-shirt and shorts, and left the house. Her father would have a headache this morning from the alcohol and be; if possible, even more savage. She didn’t want to hang around to bear the brunt of it.

Cody’s cell phone buzzed in her pocket. She saw that Lev had texted her. When did he get her number? Probably at some point during the movie while she wasn’t paying attention.

“Aparcar a hoy?”—“Park today?”

“Te veo que hay” she responded: “I’ll see you there” She walked to the park, the only one in town. She was surprised that he wanted to go to that park—it was pretty dilapidated. He was there when she arrived—and so were about ten Latinos from her school sitting around on swings and on the play structures. Some of the boys were smoking cigarettes and the largest of the girls was puffing away, too.

He kissed her on the mouth—their tongues connecting briefly—and then put his arm around her waist and led her over to the group.

“You guys know Cody,” he said, squeezing her waist. Some of them nodded at her. Lev introduced everyone to Cody. There were three Latinas: Kimberly, Eleda, and Allison, and seven boys: Lev, Felix, Paulo, Luis, Quinn, Arnold, and Matthew. Each of the girls seemed to be there because they were dating one of the guys. Allison and Arnold were entwined on one swing, Kimberly was sitting in Luis’ lap, and Eleda, who was too large to sit on anyone’s lap, was holding Felix’s hand. He didn’t seem to mind this arrangement, and kept leaning over and whispering in her ear or else kissing her on the cheek.

“This is my little gang,” he said to Cody, “and this is our hideout.”

“Hey Cody, want a cigarette?” said a slim, weasel-faced boy who was holding a bulging brown paper bag, “I’ll give you the first pack for free.”

He tossed a pack at her before she could respond and she caught it deftly.

“I don’t smoke—” she started to say, but Lev said “I got it,” and pulled out a small red BIC lighter.
Cody reluctantly tore open the package and pulled out one. Lev lit it for her. The whole group was watching. Cody figured the best way to earn their respect was to take the damn thing. She stuck it in her mouth, inhaled, and started coughing, eyes streaming, throat burning. Fat Eleda chuckled and whispered something to Felix. Lev patted Cody on the back.

“Smaller breaths to start with, Cariño.”

Ignoring the skepticism of the group, Cody put it back in her mouth and took a small sip of a breath. It was more bearable this time. On her third puff Lev caught her up with the smoke in her mouth and kissed her, breathing in her exhalation. She finished the cigarette and Lev showed her how to light a fresh one from the end of the first.
This time she did not breathe in but merely allowed the smoke into her mouth, and it wasn’t so bad. The gang seemed impressed that Cody had toughed up so quickly. They were no longer smirking, anyway. Paulo was even smiling, but Cody wasn’t sure if that was because he accepted her or because he realized that she was a potential new customer for his drug sales.

“So is she in?” asked the pretty Kimberly while Luis stroked her too-red-to-be-real hair, “doesn’t she have to do something first?”

“Let’s haze her!” said Felix enthusiastically and Eleda giggled. Lev glared at him, but the gang seemed to be in consensus. They wanted Cody to prove her loyalty by more than just a few cigarettes.

“Give her a job,” suggested weedy Matthew. The gang nodded in consent at this. Lev looked angry. Cody put her hand in his and squeezed it.

“It’s fine,” she whispered in his ear and his mouth searched for hers again. She wasn’t sure she wanted to do whatever they were thinking of, but she also wanted to gain acceptance.

“We gotta talk about it without her here,” said Arnold slowly. Cody quickly got up to leave, and Lev stood up too.

“I should stay here,” he said, “make sure they don’t come up with anything too bad.”

“Sure,” she replied. His lips locked around hers and he jerked her to his chest. Eventually Paulo coughed softly and they parted. Cody turned to go as Lev threw a punch at Paulo. A dull thud and the sound of Paulo’s obscenities carried after her down the road.
Last edited by sarebear on Sun Jun 12, 2011 9:57 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Tue May 10, 2011 7:17 pm
NewFace says...



I really like this. It moved along very nicely. I want to hear more!!! Please please continue this...I have to hear what happens to Cody and why she won't meet Lev's eyes.
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Thu May 12, 2011 11:59 am
Rydia says...



Why hello there! Alright I'm going to start by giving you some comments as I read through and then I'll round up with some more general advice and overall opinion:

Cody rips open the packet of Marlborough’s and pulls one out. Lighting it, she sticks it in her mouth and inhales. The bitter smoke wafts between her lips and down her windpipe, then she breaths breathes out and it snakes its way back out in a little puff, fading into the air. [First impressions: you're writing in present tense. That's a brave choice and one I commend you for. There aren't enough novels in present tense in my opinion which is a shame because it can be very effective, especially for action. Second, I'm glad you made it clear early on that Cody is a she as it's a boy's name and I'd have spent the whole piece thinking male otherwise.]

Slamming [I's suggest, 'Cody slams the front door...' as you've used a verb to start your sentence a couple of times now and it's nice to have some variety.] the front door so that it shuts despite the broken latch, [Full stop and new sentence here.] Cody steps outside. It’s late summer and the New Jersey air is as muggy and humid as ever. She jogs nearly all the way to the park and by the time she gets there her blue and white I ♥ NY t-shirt is sticking to her stomach and underarms.[/color]

The swing sets and play-structure are deserted. Most of the swings have been broken off or else spray painted with obscenities and gang names. The play-structure is peeling, and has been vandalized as well. No children dare play in this park. Instead, a few of teenagers still lounge about, two on the swings and one on the slide.

“Gimme ten,” Cody says brusquely, and tossed tosses a wad of bills at him. Paulo throws a brown paper bag down and she counts out ten before leaving. Paulo is also a cheat. Walking back through the playground Cody remembers how many teenagers used to be there every day, at least ten as opposed to the three who remain. Back before they were all gone. Back before Madison was gone for good, before she bowed her head to avoid being noticed every time she saw Luke Rivas in the hallway. She still sees his eyes follow her sometimes, still sees the accusation and barely controlled anger in them. She never meets them.

Atmosphere

Very beautifully written. You have subtle but effective description and to be honest there's not much you're not already doing here. Maybe a little more description of sounds would be good or some taste, a little of those extra senses that often seem to get forgotten but in general, there's a very good tone to this piece and a very easy writing style that draws the reader in. Nicely done.

Sentence structure

Not enough short sentences. You've got a few and where you use them it's effective but in the beginning particularly, there's not much variety of sentence length. Just remember to give the reader a few more breaks from the long, descriptive or medium length ones.

Characterisation and dialogue are both very nicely done and you've got some good content here so far. There's enough of interest to hold the reader's attention and you convey that the MC has had a hard life without making her whiny or angsty. Overall, this is a very nice start and I wish you the best of luck with the next part. Feel free to send me a pm if you've got questions or if there's anything else you need,

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

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Sat May 21, 2011 9:40 pm
Lavvie says...



Hi there Sarebear. I apologize for the late review, but I've been a little busy and have had little time to complete any review really. But that's no excuse.

But let's nevermind the past because I'm here now! xD

A) A variation of prose. So, as Kitty as already touched on, you really need to get some variation in for sentences. It seems to just hop along, without time for the bunny to break. And, yes, I so just used a terribly fluffy metaphor. Ignore it, please.Anyway, if you bring is some more sentences of varying lengths, it'll read off much better. It's more appealing to the reader and it doesn't feel like each sentence is trying to push everything into it all at once.

B) Beginnings. The whole of your chapter was pretty nice and well-written. It possessed a gorgeous simplicity to it and really liked it. Except for the opening. I found the opening was rather weak and it kind of just jumped right in, not really easing. Frankly, an opening paragraph about Cody taking a smoke isn't that intriguing. It's very dull and I had to force myself past the first few paragraphs to finally get into it. Your writing isn't bad-- it's a refreshing style actually-- but you need to focus on a compelling start. I don't know how because that's up to you, but a good starter might be something worth the reader's time. You can describe Cody smoking perhaps a little later as a filler, maybe.

Nitpicks


Kitty got most of these.

Overall, I liked it. As previously mentioned, your prose is refreshing and new, unlike a lot of what's going around lately. It was simplistic but at the same time you effectively described the right things in the right way. Intriguing.

Yours,
Lavvi


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Sun May 29, 2011 11:29 pm
Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review, and I am so sorry this so late but there was a death in the family. Most of what I had to say has already been. This was very enjoyable, and I look foreward to seeing more work from you. This is a really short review, so i want to owe you one. If you need any thing to be reviewed just let be know!

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 12:48 pm
Spitfire says...



Hey Sarebear, Spitfire here to review for the First Chapter Contest!

sarebear wrote:Leaning back in the peeling faux-leather chair, Cody puts her hands behind her head and closes her eyes. The orangey-red of her eyelids blocks out her bed, with clothes strewn all over it.

I'm not quite getting this sentence. Cody closes her eyes and then you say her eyelids are blocking the bed. Why do we need to know this? If her eyes are closed, then the eyelids are blocking everything, not just the bed. Also, I understand you meant to say the bed had clothes all over it, but by the way this is phrased, you seem to say that her eyelids have clothes strewed all over them. I suggest you rephrase this entire last part. I understand that you want to describe her surroundings, in this case the bed overflowing with clothes, but I strongly suggest you do it in a different manner. For example; "she closes her eyes and when she finally reopens them, her gaze falls upon the bed, its surface covered in clothes". (among other options)

sarebear wrote:Removing another one from the package, she lights it from the end of the last, spitting the used one into a flower patterned tissue before the ash can fall on her.

I understand what you meant, but the word 'spitting' is really bothering me. Every time I read this I think of someone spitting saliva and not of someone crushing a cigarette. I suggest using a different word.

sarebear wrote:Heaving another great sigh, she pulls herself resentfully out of the chair.

Just by the great big sigh we can tell she doesn't want to do anything or whatever it is she has to do, so this adjective is overkill.

sarebear wrote:Heaving another great sigh, she pulls herself resentfully out of the chair.

Cody slams the front door so that it shuts despite the broken latch. She steps outside.

Whoa! One minute Cody's getting out of a chair and the next she's slamming a door? Huh? You're missing the part where she moves across whatever room she's in to get to the door!
Plus, you wrote that she slams the door shut..well if she slammed it shut, than she would've stepped out of the house before that. So you need to switch your sentences to say she stepped outside and then slammed the door behind her.

sarebear wrote:“Okay, chica, just a joke.” Paulo is a pervert and a jerk but he sells cigarettes cheaper than most.

“Gimme ten,” Cody says brusquely, and tosses a wad of bills at him.

The part in orange isn't in the right place. The part before is Paulo talking, yet you put information that seems as though they were Cody's thoughts. I suggest you do make them her thougths (italicize that part) and incorporate them just before Cody speaks. It makes much more sense for her to think that then have the narrator tell us something so opinionated.

sarebear wrote:Paulo is also a cheat.

Again, you need to make this into Cody's thougths or specify that the reason she checks the contents of the bag is because he's a cheat. Don't just randomly tell us he's a cheat, incorporate it into the story.

sarebear wrote:Walking back through the playground Cody remembers how many teenagers used to be there every day, at least ten as opposed to the three who remain. Back before they were all gone. Back before Madison was gone for good, before she bowed her head to avoid being noticed every time she saw Luke Rivas in the hallway. She still sees his eyes follow her sometimes, still sees the accusation and barely controlled anger in them. She never meets them.

I don't know if you were trying to give a little suspense as to what she did and who these people are, but it comes off more as a confusing block of information that anything else. Cody's thougths are rushing from the absent teenagers to a girl we don't know to a dude who terrifies her and then to a flashback of her father beating her. HUH?!

I don't understand a thing, and the flow of this paragraph is way off. You're speeding through things we know nothing of and it's down right confusing. You need to take it a little slower and explain some of these things a little clearer, to make sure the thougths link to one another.

sarebear wrote:Cody quickly got up and locked her door so he couldn’t come back in.

She took a look at her face in the dusty blue plastic hand-mirror on her dresser. It didn’t seem too bad. The bruises weren’t noticeable, at least not yet. She ran the comb through her hair and tied it in a ponytail with an orange hair-tie.

Okay, the first part, I get. Her looking at herself in the mirror, a little off, but possible. Her brushing her hair. Nah. Nope. Not real.

It is realistic that she doesn't want other people finding out that her father's beating her, but she wouldn't actually be thinking about that while he's beating her. She'd be trying to dull her mind, to avoid the pain, or preping herself for each blow, not thinking how 'thank god she doesn't bruise easily'! Later maybe, but not right then.

That she locks the door straight away, I get that. She does it out of fear.

But this girl has just gotten a beating. It might not have been as bad as the other ones, but it stills hurts! Even just the verbal abuse is enough to make her want to crawl and cry to sleep. So checking herself in the mirror right after, is EXTREMELY hard for me to believe. And even worse, she combs her hair after. No freaking way! She wouldn't be giving a damn about her hair right then, she'd be curled in a ball on the floor or trying to get out of there as soon as possible.

sarebear wrote:“¿Quieres ir al cine conmigo?” Do you want to go to the movies with me?

That's good that you added the english translation, because although I understand, not everybody does. Although I think you should put the translation part in italic, not in between " ".

sarebear wrote:“It’s fine,” she whispered in his ear and his mouth searched for hers again. She wasn’t sure she wanted to do whatever they were thinking of, but she also wanted to gain acceptance.

I'm not getting why she wants to be accepted so badly. This hot guy randomly asks her out, makes out with her and she's totally okay with it? No doubts whatsoever? And she meets his friends and she HAS to be accepted by them? Why? Does she not have any friends? Is she lonely? Does she want to be popular? This needs to be taken a little deeper.

All right, I finished reading and knit-picking. The worst is done ;)

The MC: Cody's character seems real enough, although she needs some depth to her personality and reactions. I should warn you to be careful with her background. The non-caring mother and drunk abusive father is something that's done so often I can't even count the number of times it's been done. Be careful not to pass the line of being too typical. It's a very fine line, and you're already on the edge of it. I haven't read the rest of your story, so I can't tell as for the rest of it, but it's not very original. It's not bad per se, either, but it makes the story less interesting when you can already tell how those characters will end up and/or react. This is my opinion, however, so do with it what you will.

And that's basically it. Your chapter needs some touching up, but over all it was fine.
Know that even if I appear somewhat harsh, it is only meant as constructive critisism.
'Til next time!
Spitfire
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