Young Writers Society

"A contract is a contract, be it oral
or written, you belong to me now."

The old days when humans were cargo are found
in grave yards, with tomb stones that mimick the moon
and where an immortal bouquet of flowers bathe
in sunlight at the gate.

They say jesus comes to escort the dead,
to save the worthwhile and to liquidate the worthless.

But I wonder if that corss stained into this grave's face
realises that no man is truely good, and to only take good
means leaving (perhaps erudite) parts of yourself behind.

I wonder if the slave who ran free fell like a fly
knocked out of flight at the sight of his first mountian.
That if those who climbed into the horizon were able to
shout at their idle heaven (so right they became mute) for
robbing them of their humanity. If they felt that the
sun was crusified behind the moon, and that there was no hope
for a better tomorrow.

They worked hard, tirelessly tilling the land
until it was a green hive.
And like bees, they never stopped.
They never got the chance to taste the honey that dripped
from their sore wounds, and fed our "broke" society.

I am so sorry slave, for keeping your very nature
from you, with old, dirty, yet somehow still silver looking
chains and boney, blood-dried fingers. And I hope that I
do not need these things to be turned away from
by a god,

Who I turned away from first.
Before realising that I wasn't owed your freedom.

"A contract is a contract, be it oral or written,
We no longer belong to you."
________
Will add disclaimer later.

."The old days when humans were cargo are found
in grave yards, with tomb stones that mimick

Mimic

that no man is truely good

truly

and boney, blood-dried fingers.

Bony

Before realising that I wasn't owed

Realizing

If they felt that thesun was crusified behind the moon,

I think it would sound better if it were "thought that" .

Okay those were just a few nitpicks. Anyway, on to the actual poem. You have a nice vocabulary, but it was to vague for me. You got the point across, and it was vague but not. You have a VERY promising piece of work that I wish I could of written. It need some work on making it less confusing. Keep writing!

- Boo

Why hello there! I think you're writing on a very interesting topic here and there are parts of this I really love, but you get a bit rambly and a bit distracted. Maybe I can help with that? A few specifics first then:

The old days when humans were cargo are found [Very nice opening line. Love it!]
in grave yards, with tomb stones that mimick the moon [I think this would be more powerful as, 'in grave yeards where tomb stones mimic the moon' as then you have some repetition of where in the next line and it flows a little better. I'm not sure about moon though. I feel you've thrown that in there just for the alliteration and the prettiness but do they really mimic the moon and how? What significance does that have to humans being cargo?]
and where an immortal bouquet of flowers bathe
in sunlight at the gate. [You're rather off topic here and this feels too pretty to me. I liked it better when you were talking of humans as cargo!]

They say jesus comes to escort the dead,
to save the worthwhile and to liquidate the worthless. [Good. You'll want to capitalise Jesus though.]

But I wonder if that corss cross stained into this grave's face
realises that no man is truely good, and to only take good
means leaving (perhaps erudite) parts of yourself behind. [I don't like the uncertainty, the perhaps erudite. It makes the words weaker so I'd suggest getting rid of the brackets and the perhaps.]

I wonder if the slave who ran free fell like a fly
knocked out of flight at the sight of his first mountian mountain You really ought to proof read before posting! Also, comma after free. I'd also suggest having your line break after fell for more emphasis. It would be easy enough to fix your other lines length-wise.].
That if those who climbed into the horizon were able to
shout at their idle heaven (so right they became mute) for [Not sure about the bracketed part, I feel it needs more explanation.]
robbing them of their humanity. If they felt that the
sun was crusified behind the moon, and that there was no hope
for a better tomorrow. [You're getting a little rambly here. When you have cliches like 'no hope for a better tomorrow' you know there are words there that you don't need.]

It picks up again after this but there are just little pieces of lines that I feel could do with a trim. Anyway, I really like the theme of contracts and I think this would be really good if you could smooth it out a bit. What you need is to be more concise, to choose your words carefully and make every one count and every one follow on from the next. Also, try to avoid touching on those cliches and remember that a solid image which a reader can imagine is much stronger than a vague one which sounds pretty but has no actual basis in our experiences.

I hope this helps and drop me a pm if you've got any questions,

Heather xxx