Young Writers Society

The scariest thing I’ve ever done,
is look at Justin Bieber.
His face and voice and girlishness, Previous word was not a real word
initiate a fever.

His dance moves suck, his hair is gross,
and alpacas want to eat him. Better understood after explaining, maybe you should edit your entry so people see this first before posting
This is why I’ve hired one,
to eat that brain that's dim. This line sounds stressed. It goes from more elaborate to using a small word snapped at the end to continue the rhyme scheme. In other words, this ending disrupts the poem's flow.

He dresses cross, and sings so shrill, Don't you mean cross-dresses? What are you trying to say?
I swear that I might just die. Again, we jump from cross-dressing to YOU dying, and back to alpacas and Justin dying. This part is just all over the place
Before he dies my alpaca’s sworn,
to adorn him in a pie. Maybe you should speak about this pie one more time so this part does not seem so random

He’ll lick it up with the entrails,
then spit it out... it’s gross!
He sifts through parts and finds the best,
he sucks on painted toes. This is where it started getting disturbing, but that's not the thing that matters really

They make a great white Popsicle,
the blood melts down his arm. You mean runs or drips? Blood doesn't melt down someone's arm...
He laughs with joy and leaves the pieces,
as he returns to his farm.

HostofHorus wrote:
The scariest thing I’ve ever done,
is looked at Justin Bieber.
His face and voice and girlyness,
initiate a fever.
Loved this stanza

His dance moves suck, his hair is gross,
and alpacas want to eat him. A bit sudden and strange, but hey, I like it.
This (I'd use 'That' instead of 'This' over here) is why I’ve hired one,
to eat that brain that's dim. I think the 'that' in the sentence seemed a bit out of place. What about 'the' or 'his?'

He dresses cross, (don't need a comma here and I do agree with shiney1 with the part about 'dresses cross') and sings so shrill,
I swear that I might just die.
Before he dies, my alpaca’s sworn,
to adorn him in a pie.

He’ll lick it up with the entrails,
then spit it out... it’s gross!
He shifts through parts and finds the best,
he sucks on painted toes.
Okay, like I said before, this part seems a bit disconnected. Maybe you should explain it more. Like the part where it said, 'like it up'. What did he (the alpaca) lick up? His brain? Hair? Hand?

They make a great white pop-sic-ul,
the blood melts down his arm. As crazy and disturbing this might be, I love the imagery here.
He laughs with joy and leaves the pieces,
as he returns to his farm.