Young Writers Society

Fear fogs the mind; you clench your eyes as you sway
The Sun crumbles down, with the chaos of day
Shadows are skipping, down your soiled halls
Sorrow then echoes, “It’s the end of us all”
Her breath warms your neck and she whispers goodbye
She’s falling from grace, weighed down by your lies
There’s a knife in your back, sodden in blood
You won’t be forgotten, when the morning light comes.

I only have the suggestion to shorten the lines but other than that; that is all the corrections I have.

Fear fogs the mind;
you clench your eyes as you sway
The Sun crumbles down,
with the chaos of day
Shadows are skipping,
down your soiled halls
Sorrow then echoes,
“It’s the end of us all”
Her breath warms your neck
and she whispers goodbye
She’s falling from grace,
weighed down by your lies
There’s a knife in your back,
sodden in blood
You won’t be forgotten,
when the morning light comes.

I love it and can't wait to read more. Hugs* Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3

Holy... This is really good =]. I like this piece a lot. It's easy to read and I like the way that you formatted it. It's Nice..... I don't know how I feel about it. It feels almost melancholy to me... like... sweet because I understand but sad for the same reason. I don't know that I would change anything to be honest, the chunkiness of the format just makes it more unique =]

Howdy howdy mortal!

Thanks for the request, this was a good one!
I review using:

-Make corrections in red
-Give suggestions/Questions in purple
-Explain the things I like in maroon
-Give you my overall thoughts at the end in some random color

So here we go!

Corrections: So the first thing I noticed was the structure. I would like it to be split up a little, maybe into stanzas, maybe like Soulkana arranged it, this is what I would do.

Fear fogs the mind;
You clench your eyes as you sway.
The Sun crumbles down,
With the chaos of day.

Shadows are skipping,
Down your soiled halls
Sorrow then echoes,
“It’s the end of us all.”

Her breath warms your neck,
And she whispers goodbye.
She’s falling from grace,
Weighed down by your lies.

There’s a knife in your back,
Sodden in blood.
You won’t be forgotten,
When the morning light comes.

Another cool thing I think this does, is add a sort of uneasy and mysterious feeling, and in fact that is what I think this lacked the first time around. A sense of feeling. So you may chose what you like, but that is my suggestion.

Suggestions/Questions:

Well, my biggest one was the structure, and I went over that in the corrections section. For questions, the only one I have is who is the character, and what happened that has made her so distraught? I know, the lies, but still, I just feel left out of the loop. It isn't necessary to explain all of this in poetry, sometimes it is just nice. So, something to think about if you ever want to add on!

LIKES!:

Okay, this list is going to be long....

I liked this:

The Sun crumbles down, with the chaos of day

And this:

Sorrow then echoes, “It’s the end of us all”

I have this evil and spooky laugh running through my mind when I read it! So cool!

Oh, then there is this:

She’s falling from grace, weighed down by your lies

And finally I think it closes out on a great note!

Overall: I really liked it a lot. And I am not just saying that. I go into these with an open mind, and first time through I thought, "Wow, this is pretty good." The only real problem I saw was the structure, so fix that up and I think this will be great! I love the rhythm, the feel, and the word choice especially with "crumble" "sodden" "skipping" "soiled" It is all great!
Good luck and keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions, and if you ever want another review, I'm available.

-HostofHorus

Hey there, Emilie! Here am I! Or…um…I am here? Well, either way, I’m lilymoore, here as requested…well, I was begging sort of but still…


So, I will say right off the bat that Soulkana makes a good suggestion when it comes to altering your line breaks. It’s not necessary but as far as the aesthetics of the poem go (not that aesthetics are all that important in a poem but still), I think it wouldn’t hurt. The message would remain the same but it has a more – poetic – appearance to it then this bulk block. It doesn’t hurt it the way it is but it would look prettier I guess if it was broken up.

The Sun crumbles down, with the chaos of day
Shadows are skipping, down your soiled halls

With these two lines, your comma usage seems a bit off. Naturally, you pause when you see a comma, so when I paused after “down” I was a little confused. You don’t really need it. A period would also be nice after “day.” The same as far as commas goes applies after the word “skipping.” It just forces me to want to pause when I shouldn’t. But a comma would work well at the end of “halls.”
(Punctuation, such a fickle art.)

Another point on punctuation!

As I was reading this, I was about to go through and point out a whole ton of little punctuation tweaks that could be made here and there . Sometimes, in fact many times, punctuation can be sparse in a poem and it will still have a wonderful impact and other times, as in the case with your poem, you really need certain punctuation markers. You’ve used them (which is a great start) but some of them seem to be in the wrong place, placed for the wrong reason, or are missing.
I won’t sit here and correct all of your punctuation problems here and there to show you what I mean. I’d just feel strange trying to influence your art. (Unless you’d like me to, which, if that’s the case, then shoot me a PM or leave me a wall note and I’d be happy to show you what I personally would do when it came to punctuation.) Otherwise, I always like to point out Suzanne’s Poetry and Punctuation guide. The example she uses in here, is in fact, rather similar structurally to your own poem so it would probably be a very very helpful piece to look at.

The Idea

I’m not completely sure if I’ve interrupted this correctly, but if it’s in fact about a fear of nightmares, or at least of nightmares then you’ve done a wonderful job. That or it’s about a murder. Or possibly a dream about a murder. At least I think that’s what this is about. Definitely one of those two. The imagery is very vivid, probably most especially in the lines:

She’s falling from grace, weighed down by your lies
There’s a knife in your back, sodden in blood

So I have to give you snaps for that. *snap snap*


If you have any questions though about anything I said up there if you’d like to see what I’d have done as far as punctuation goes, you can definitely through me a PM or leave a message on the wall.

Hey,
Thank you for requesting a review

My only nit-pick is this:

The Sun crumbles down, with the chaos of day

It should be the chaos of the day

Also, I don't think you have to shorten your lines. There are all types of poems, short lines, long lines, short verses, long verses, no stanzas ... etc. The list goes on; as long as you believe that your poem has taken the flow you want it too then it's ok. If you have any questions or need another review don't be afraid to PM me or write on my wall

Have a great day,
Tiffany

I agree about breaking this into stanzas. That can be tricky, but it shouldn't be much trouble. Also, I like how this poem doesn't quite rhyme. I often ruin a good poem by trying to make it rhyme.

Don't take this personally, but I didn't have much of a reaction to this. Maybe adding some imagery would help in that department.

Good! Good poem! I like how you have been so descriptive! haha! No more other things to say!

Hey Just! Here to review as requested! (sorry to keep you waiting so long, by the way.)

First off, I will say that I agree about breaking this into stanzas - even though you don't technically need to break poems into stanzas, it makes them easier to read. Your lines were fairly long, so if it helps break it up at all, you could even try splitting the lines in half. Of course, this is entirely up to you. It's your poem, so what you do with it and how you lay it out is your choice.

As for your idea - I like it, and your imagery was definitely good. I didn't see the cliches I'm used to seeing, and you did a very good job with the 'dark' aspect of things. I'll agree with LilyMoore on her favorite line:

She's falling from grace, weighed down by your lies
There's a knife in your back, sodden in blood.

I adored the imagery there, it was vivid and it left me wanting more. (A very good thing, by the way.)

The only part of this poem other than the structure/punctuation errors/layout was the first line. 'Fear fogs the mind' is a bit cliche, and the second bit... meh, it was alright, but it didn't add up in comparison to the rest of your poem. In poetry, first lines are usually important - normally, that's the line that really grips your reader. In stories and novels, you have at least a paragraph (or a few paragraphs to a few chapters depending on length and the dedication of the reader) - usually, in poetry, that isn't the case. Often-times, while reading through poetry books, if I don't like the first two or three lines of a poem, I stop reading it.

Otherwise, though, I really did like this piece.

Keep writing,
~~Ish

wow! dude! i love it (: i think this is my new favourate of yours its really great and the emotion behind it shows strongly.

great job
(: