Young Writers Society

*Now before I confuse people, I am going out of order for a reason. Chapter 2 deals with a second main character, and I want to get done with writing Stella's part before I move onto him so I don't confuse myself. Anyways, in the Spoiler is the edited version of Chapter 1.*



Stella moaned and sat up rubbing her temple. Pain flashed through her head as she opened her eyes to the bright sunlight peaking in through the window. Though her memory of night before we fuzzy after the alcohol, she could remember the dream as clear as day. It was the first time in almost three years that she had that dream. Though she had made peace with herself long ago about leaving her family, she couldn’t help feeling like a traitor to them. Leaving them there to fend for themselves while she lived in the castle and treated like a princess.
With a groan, Stella climbed out of her bed, knowing it would be pointless to trouble herself about things she couldn’t change. She made her way into the bathroom and began filling the sink with cold water. She looked up at herself in the mirror. Staring back at her was a woman not of eighteen years of age, but someone twice that. Her brown hair was disheveled with streak of premature grays running through it. Heavy bags hung under tired, green eyes that once burned with passion. The constant training of her apprenticeship and doing her best to put her past behind her had taken their toll on her physically and mentally.
With sigh, she plunged her hand into the water and splashed her face. The cold water shocked her awake and dragged her from the painful memories. She pulled the brown apprentice robes over her head, depositing them on the ground. Despite how her face made her look much older than she was, her body was the complete opposite. Her small breasts made her look like she had just entered puberty. Daniels had explained to her long ago that most people who used magic tended to become infertile and after the initial shock, Stella learned to live with it.
Opening the dresser next to her bed, Stella pulled out another brown apprentice robes, and dropped over her head. The fabric was itchy, but she had learned to ignore it after years of wearing it day after day. Running a comb through her hair, trying to make herself look decently presentable, Stella left her room, locking the door with a small spell.
The hall was completely empty except for a single Mage Adroit heading in the other direction. Stella walked quickly down the hall, and as always, her eyes were drawn upward towards the ceiling. Not only did it soar more than a hundred feet over her head, but it used wonderful pictures to tell the history of the Torshan Empire. This section in particular discussed the raising of Phox’s first palisade. The picture depicted the twenty Mages who would later form the first High Mage Council standing in a large circle, hands raised and eyes closed. Walls made of stone rose up around the men, forming the first of many of Phox’s many defenses.
Like they had done almost every day for the past five years, Stella’s feet had managed to lead her outside of her teacher’s door. She knocked twice on the door and entered. Standing behind his desk, his eyes flowing across the pages of a book, was Frederick. Stella sat down in her usual spot in the chair in front of his desk and waited for him to finish. After several long minutes, he shut the book and placed it on the book shelf behind him before turning his attention to Stella.
“Good morning, Stella,” Daniels said. “I hope you’re feeling well after last night’s drinking.”
“I’m fine,” Stella replied. “Just a headache, but I’ll survive.”
“Good.” Frederick began tapping his fingers, a sign, Stella knew, of when he was in deep thought. After several seconds, he stopped and looked up at Stella seriously. “I received a letter this morning from the military. It says you are to report to Captain Ferrous at the Southern Barracks tomorrow at noon for your first tour.”
“Wait, I thought only Mages were allowed to serve in the military not . . .” Stella stopped short, as the realization of what her teacher just told her meant. “You mean that I am no longer an apprentice, but a fully ranked Mage.”
Frederick chuckled at Stella’s shock and replied, “Yes, Stella. You are now Mage Adroit. It is in my opinion that you show much skill in all the areas of magic that I can teach you in.” he set a small envelope sealed with wax that bore the imprint of the High Mage Council seal in front of Stella.
Stella broke the seal and pulled out the paper carefully, finding it hard to believe that this wasn’t a dream. Written in green ink was the formal letter of her new rank. Slowly, she read it out loud:
“Dear Stella Edana, apprentice of High Mage Frederick Daniels,
We, of the High Mage Council, send you this letter to notify you that you are now promoted to the rank of Mage Adroit. It is by recommendation of your teacher, a highly respected senior member of this council, that we give you this new rank. As of now, you are also enlisted into the Torshen military. Accompanying this letter will be written instructions from the Commander of the military telling where you will meet your captain for your first tour as Battlemage. As a fully fledged Mage, it is expected that you conduct yourself in the manner that will not bring shame upon the High Mage Council. Any behavior that does not represent the High Mage Council favorably will cause immediate stripping of rank and dismissal.
Sincerely,
Arch Mage Gideon Kedar”
Daniels reached under his desk and pulled out a pair of red robes handing them to Stella. The new robes let anyone who saw her know that she was a fully ranked Mage and a Battlemage in the military. Stella took her new status symbol and laid it down on her. She couldn’t help grinning the entire time. She knew it was a true honor to be promoted to this rank so young when many five years her senior were still apprentices.
“Thank you, Master Daniels,” Stella said, bowing her head. She could hardly contain herself. It nearly took all her restraint to run back to her room to try on the new robes. “I’m deeply grateful that you think I am skilled enough for this rank.”
“No need to thank me,” Daniels replied, waving her off. “You have earned this rank yourself. I can offer you no advice as you move on to this next stage in your life other than what I have given you during your training. I will give you a warning though.” His voice grew grave and joy that shone in his eyes before was gone. “Many of the senior Mages will try to take advantage of you. As an apprentice, the teacher can normally protect his student from this, which I have done for you. Now that you are promoted, many will seek to move in and use you, but I believe you are ready. Despite your age, you show great ability for a person beyond your years, but never let your guard down. For if you do, you will be lost.”
“Thank you,” Stella said again, not exactly sure of what else she could say. “Do you mind if I go and try this on, Master Daniels.”
“You may call me Frederick now, Stella,” he replied. “Or Daniels for that matter. I am no longer your teacher, and as such you no longer have to address me as ‘Master Daniels’. And by all means, go try on your new robes. More will be sent tonight.” He stood up and walked around his desk, opening the door for Stella. Stella gathered up the robes and letter in her arms, and walked out the door and down the hall.
“Oh, Stella,” Daniels called. Stella stopped and turned as Daniels walked up to her. In his hands was another letter, this one sealed with the imprint of the Torshen Military seal and a silver dagger. “That’s the letter that contains the instructions of where you need to go tomorrow. Also, this dagger was given to me by my instructor when I first became a Mage Adroit, who had received it from his teacher as well. So, I think it best to pass it one to the next in line.”
“Thank you again, Ma . . . I mean Frederick.” Stella took the knife and letter from him, then, not sure why she decided to do it, she kissed him on the cheek. She could feel her face burn with embarrassment, but was glad when he didn’t say anything.
“Go, well, Stella,” Daniels said, before turning and walking back to his room, shutting the door behind him.
For the first time since Stella arrived at the castle ten years ago, she did not once look up at the pictures on the ceiling. As soon as she was in her room and the door was shut, she threw the knife and letters onto her desk. Once her hands were free, she pulled off the old brown robes, and pulled on the new red ones. Where the apprentice robes were poorly made and used cloth that made her constantly want to scratch, these seemed to have been made by master craftsmen. The material felt like water on her skin. If it weren’t for the fact that she could see the robes sitting comfortably on her skinny frame, she would’ve thought she was naked.
Stella turned herself in circles, admiring how the robes looked on her until her eyes fells on the second letter Daniels handed her. Though she was excited about finally becoming Mage Adroit, she did not like the idea of staying with the military for several months. She knew it was to protect her people from the Lycerian horde, but she couldn’t help feeling the pointlessness of this war. It has been going on for more than a hundred years and no one has won, nor has any peace been made.
Stella picked the letter off her desk, and broke the seal. The letter was neatly folded up inside, written in eloquent handwriting that was difficult to read. Stella read it slowly and carefully, making sure she understood it completely because she knew the military had little tolerance for not following orders to the letter. It gave her a short speech like one from the High Mage Council did about how she represented them and anything that would show them badly would be punishable. It went on and told her that she was to report to the Southern Barracks tomorrow at noon exactly as Daniels had said. The commanding officer of her unit was to be Captain Ferrous, a man who she knew was a complete ass from what the other Mages said about him. She was surprised to learn that she was to serve as third in command under him, fully expecting to be no higher ranking than a common foot soldier, especially with her age. Lastly, it said that, as Mage, she was allowed to bring whatever supplies she deemed necessary to perform her duties as a Battlemage.
Stella pulled out an old leather backpack that Daniels had gotten her a year after he had found her. It was old and worn, some of the stitching that had once bound most of the leather together was falling apart, but it was still usable. She began packing everything she would need and some she wouldn’t: undergarments, socks, a small journal, several books and finally the dagger Daniels had given her. Tying the top with a leather cord, she tossed it onto her bed. It was still early in the day, so instead of pacing around, waiting for the next day, she picked up one of the books she wasn’t going to bring with her and read.
That night, Stella went to the kitchen of the castle and ate the biggest meal she could get. She knew it was the last decent meal she would have for months, so she wanted to make sure she enjoyed it. With a full belly and tired eyes, she returned to her room. She packed the robes that were brought to her room while she was away and pulled out a short sword she gotten not long ago. While she doubted she would ever need to use it, she knew sometimes it was better to be safe than sorry. At long last, she collapsed into her bed and fell asleep as soon as her head touch the pillow.

I liked it Arg. Aside from a few things, it's fine. You did leave out a word or a couple of words in this sentence.

Opening the dresser next to her bed, Stella pulled out another brown apprentice robes, and dropped over her head.

I think in the first bolded part, you're missing the word "set" and in the second bolded part, you are missing the word "them." Watch out for missing words!

Mage Adroit

I found this funny because in French adroit means either clever or skillful. So translated it would be clever/skillful mage.

Also, it seems a bit sudden that she' s moving in rank. I didn't find it to be a very smooth transition. I don't know...that's just my feeling....I could picture the scenes though. Keep going!

Hey Varg! Shubhi here to review.

First of all I am really glad that you didn't stop writing this and abandoned this like many young writers, and especially I do. You have really put in an effort and gone into a heavy editing which is quite professional on your part. Okay, enough of me talking sentimental things.

Edited Chapter-1:


I have to begin by saying that the first paragraph was captivating. I really liked the way you went step-by-step and explained each of the procedure Stella has to carry in order to do magic. I liked the way you wrote all of that. But now what I didn't like that much would have to be the opening line. Sorry, it's maybe me being nit-picky, but mostly for me, short and compelling sentences look better for openers. Like here, it's not until the 'heart-racing' part that the reader is really aroused. In a way I like how you describe her breathing, but then there's nothing very striking or intriguing in that. Maybe begin with some:
1. Thought: She might be thinking about the challenge that lays ahead of her. The target. The fear she has, or maybe the strength and determination to do it. Now as heavy the words sound, your opening line should be as simplified.
2. Dialog:Something her tutor is saying. Any dialog that he uses to push her forward. Or else it could even be a dialog be her.
Basically, it is my personal choice that I didn't like the opening line so it is not really necessary that you should change it. Maybe you should think about it, and bring forward something compelling. Basically it is your novel, so it is your judgement.

My next point would be that even though you know your story definitely better than I do, but I really think that you should have maybe brought a scene where Daniel and Stella eat. The reason for this is that this seems like another world, another time-period so maybe knowing how they eat and where they eat might let us know their lifestyle. Scenes like these always help the reader and the writer to know the world better about which they are reading. Telling about the food they eat, the kind of restaurants or eating joints they have would give a chance to the reader to understand the place and the character a bit more. You don't have to worry about adding that scene now. You could squeeze it in after you're done with he story. Also, what is her age now?

Coming to the same logic, I really wanted to know about the place where Stella performed the magic in the beginning of the chapter. This way we could know whether she lived in a city, or in a jungle. It might not be that necessary for all these things, but I honestly think that a reader should be knowing where the character is and how the place looks like. Be your readers' friends. Now what is unfair is to lead them to a secret fantasy world, which is your own imagination but abandon them right there. Don't forget to answer their queries. Like what kind of the world it is. Does it give pleasure to the heart or instigates fear. Never let them wonder how it would be like to be there in person-hold their hands and take them there.

For example, there was a work I read a fantasy work here where the characters end up in a place where there are many doors. The thought in itself excited me, but she just abandoned me there. I kept on wondering how the doors must be looking like. Or how the place seemed like.

In this chapter, it might not be that important for you to tell the place as it was in the above given example, but still you ought to tell how these people live and where she was practicing. Since you didn't tell any of that, so in my mind I assumed it to be a forest. But all I know is that she was practicing magic and it could have been anywhere, so if you don't specify the reader would resort to think on his/her own, which is totally against the rule of writing: Reader should feel and think just like characters and you are.



Now coming back to good parts, I really would have to say that I did love this chapter more than the one you had before for chapter-1. It was intense and unlike the earlier version we do know more about Stella and her history. It was nice to know how she manipulated her magic powers to bring good luck for her orphaned friends. It was sweet and I really liked that thing. Now the other thing I would say is that you very well described and portrayed the scene of the stealing and how they all escaped after-wards. Specially how Armand helped Stella. The words you chose were very very good, and I made a mental note to use some of those words. So if this happens to someone by reading your story then I think that it's a bery good sign.

PM me or bug me for anything.

~Shrubbery

Hey Varg a.k.a. Leth.



A small thing that I noticed in your writing was that in the first three paragraphs the beginning seemed almost same. Moaning, groaning and sighing. Even if they are not same, they are based loosely together and starting a paragraph always with same kind of beginning and that too negative can prove to be not so great. So I would suggest you to go through it and re-phrase some beginnings, and try not to show her impatience or whatever reason is for her sighing and all.

I would have to commend you for preparing a long history of the Torshan Empire. If I were you, I would still be struggling all the way and this is my nature that I can't make much history or planning beforehand and as I write, ideas bounce into my head. So it is really cumbersome, but since you have this ability, it is very good and I really think that fantasy is a genre is for you.

Other thing that I would like to say is that the way your dialog come across and the way you your writing takes a smooth ride is very great. Aside from some minor grammar mistakes or maybe a result of overlooking, I cannot find much of mistakes. That means your grammar is far much better than mine and most definitely very good. So keep up the good work.

I think that the letter you had was quite formal and it really gave the look of something official but the only thing I would like to say is that it should be in italics. You might not want to make the post here weird looking, but i actual it should be in italics since it's a text that's coming in the story and which is neither part of a dialog or the narration.

Also, I think that it is quite confusing the way you call her master. Sometimes you call him Frederick and sometimes it's just Daniel. It's not like people can't remember that both the names are for him, but since you have used two first names so it might confuse your readers. Aside from that it is best to not confuse your readers by switching on names everytime, so either stick to Frederick or Daniels until there's some different character calling the master. Then you could switch to the name according to the relationship.

I don't have much to say in this chapter since it was the continuation of the last one, and I didn't find much to be corrected here. It was sweet and nice. But one thing that I would still like to bring forward is the setting. I saw that you did try and bring forward the place where she lived in a bit, but I would still like to know more. Also, I think that it would be better if you were to include some scenes from the classes people had or what kind of institution this was. Was it something ran privately or the government provided aid for this? I really think that you should delve a bit into this so that people could 'feel' the living style in the Torshan Empire.

Best of luck, and do post in my WRFF when you need more,
Shubhi