Young Writers Society

Removed.

Tail, Tail....

he was clearing used to giving orders.

Remember? It's 'clearly'.

The effect was strangely fearsome,

There's no need to repeat 'strangely' here. Perhaps there's another word that would do just as well- 'oddly' for instance.

This leaves me wanting more. Please, write another chapter soon.

Ah, just what I needed. An interesting idea as a break from editing. ^_^

You've gotten me curious as to why this is under the fantasy genre, considering it starts with what could be a real-world scenario.

Could use a little editing and a few grammar checks, nothing that major.

I'll be waiting for the next chapter!

Blood

[worships it] I love it!

I don't know why, exactly. maybe it's because the 'employer' reminds me so much of Artemis Fowl. I love Artemis Fowl.

I don't have much to critique here, it's good. Only, it doesn't seem to have enough catch for a first chapter. Shouldn't they make the reader flip to the next page? (That's how I designed mine, in any case.) At the end of this chapter I feel I could stop right here and do something else till I made up my mind to keep moving.

Other than this, it's nice, and your wordsmithy skills are appreciated.
- Alyx

P.S. Could you leave a message on my wall for every new chapter you post? i want to follow this!

Hey Noir! It's Walkeh, here with a review as requested ;D.

This is a bit longer so I can give you the full 'Dreamwalker' review! That being said, I break my reviews up into five catagories; Grammar and Punctuation, Plot, Setting and Description, Characterization, and lastly my Overall. So, on with the show, I should suspect!

Grammar and Punctuation:

Ariana never liked jobs that involved letters. Especially jobs with fairly ambiguous names. Remembering her awful luck the last few years, Ariana could only stare out the window and take in the sharpness of fresh country air.

Okay, so you use the name ‘Ariana’ twice in this paragraph. We already know that you are speaking of this girl and that the thought process is for this girl. You don’t have to repeat it twice.

And she knew this by first hand experience.

Firsthand can be one word.

Ariana vacantly looked away from the window towards the driver, who looked as though he had something weird in his mouth. Or maybe it was his nose. Or his greasy hair. Ariana wasn't really sure.

Okay, so you repeat the name here again. The second should just be ‘she’. That and you make it sound like something is bugging her. Like you set up for it to be a ‘she wasn’t sure what she hated the most about him’ or even ‘liked the most about him’ if you should go as far as to say that. But specify something in this section or the sentence itself won’t make any sense.

The road she was on looked more like the middle of nowhere than a town named Cascada.

She’s on a road, ne? So that would look like a road. Reword this line so that it says something on the line of ‘The road she was on pointed towards a place that looked more like the middle of nowhere then the town presumably named Cascada.

That and I giggled when I saw the town was named Cascada. Like the singer?

"Do you seriously want to stay out here, Miss Lawrence? As far as I can see, your appearance is rather extraordinary at the moment."

I see what you’re trying to do with this line but it’s a little messed up. Firstly, in no way was this young teenager shown that she would want to stay out there. That means the first line of dialogue is pretty much static. Secondly, in any regular dialogue, the second set is a little… wonky. Could you imagine someone saying something in that manner? I couldn’t.

Maybe change it to something like;

“I’m sure you don’t wish to stay out here for any longer than you must,” he murmured, cocking his head to the side. “Seeing as your current attire is a little… well, I’m sure you could judge that for yourself.”

That way it’s a little less static and a little more believable.

He frowned for a moment before before quickly recomposing his face

You repeated a word. Probably a typo.

"Still. I can't go with you without knowing properly if you really are my employer."

The period behind still should be a comma.

"I said I didn't need your help."

I don’t care who this girl think she is, but when you back talk your superiors, you get punished. In this case, it would usually be seen as subordination. I’m sure you don’t want your character to be ungrateful, ne? So she may hate him, and she can think these things in her head, but if she outright says them to her superior, it makes her foolhardy right off the bat which should mean a firing.

"And a cloak. Or even perhaps, a carriage. Yes, I have a spy that can hear people's thoughts." He sniggered at the look on her face - she could tell he was very happy for some reason. "Not really. You were muttering quite loudly, you see."

[/quote]

Okay, so once again you have some static dialogue. This seems a little flighty and makes the smart humour sound like badly delivered jokes, ne? So try and really think of what someone would say and do in this situation.

Alright, everything I pointed out has one or more errors that resemble them. If you want me to find them all, just PM me!

Plot:

I love how, right off the bat in the prologue, we see something completely different then what you show us in this bit. It’s interesting and it makes me want to connect the two stories together so badly.

What I think I would like cleared up is what time period this is in? She speaks as if she’s in our time period ‘snooty, stubborn, strong-willed’. Not the voice of someone from the 1800’s who knew their place and did not try to push the borders so bluntly.

Yet, you throw words around like carriages and cloaks and such things. I’m curious as to why there aren’t any cars, or why you opted out for things like the technology that would usually be filling these sections. So, if these things clear up in later chapters, that would be awesome.

Setting and Description:

This section needs a little bit of improvement. I can get right away that the character is in very desolate place, which is totally cool and I give you props for showing us just what we need to know. What needs to change, though, is the lack of description. What does the boy really look like? Do her feet hurt? Is the sun really hot? Give us these descriptions and make us feel what your character is feeling. It’s the flesh of a novel. Character and Plot can only get you so far but description is absolutely key.

And indispensible. In this case, everything felt very rushed. Slow it down. Take your time.

Character:

Right off the bat I see a very strong-willed girl. That’s cool. I love the whole feministic type of protagonist and in this case, she shows it through pretty much everything she does.

But her actions need to be restrained in some areas. You need to work on your dialogue. A good character is a believable character, and in this case, we have a few characters who have some redeeming qualities but their dialogue is so static that’s it’s really hard to get an opinion on either one. I’m not asking them to be perfect. Perfection is boring. Just give them so real emotion. Some real feeling in their voices. You’ll see that your characters will become even more amazing as you go along with it.

Overall:

In my honest opinion, you have a ton of potential. The problem with having a ton of potential, though, is that there is a ton to refine, and a ton to fix up. I see this becoming something really great and I can feel the love your bring forth with your characters. You enjoy witty dialogue and you want your characters to be filled with flaw, and filled with good. That’s something to be admired.

But everything must be refined and worked on. In this case, just keep practicing your description and dialogue. Character and plot with come easily after that seeing as you already have a basic thumbs up in those two sections. Description and Dialogue though are, as I stated before, absolutely indispensable.

So keep writing and I’ll keep reviewing!
~The.Dreamwalker

Definitely a lot more here than your prologue which makes me happy. First problem for me was how did the prologue relate to this at all? I'm not too worried about it right now, because I assume that question will be answered later on.

Two things you did really well were character advancement and dialogue, but to me best of all was the setting description. Right from the beginning to end each of the characters and their actions were described in ways that reflected their personality. No story is complete without the characters in them, and so they must be built up and made unique. Being only on the first chapter I think you took a large leap in this department. Both the boy and Ariana are already shaping up to be intriguing and different characters. This was probably one of your biggest hooks for me.

Throughout the dialogue was refreshing and wasn't a hinderence. Often bad dialogue is the destroyer of many a good stories, but in your case you pulled away not only unscathed but a victor. For starters it flowed smoothly and seemed to be accurate. Characters didn't say things that didn't fit their profile, which is key. I doubt I need to say more, just know that it was pretty amazing.

My third thing was the setting. The reasoning behind this being my favorite content of the chapter was that it was subliminal. You set up the setting with the dialogue and actions of the characters, and this is beyound a doubt an incredible feat. To read a story in which little thinking is required in picturing a scene is one of the best things you can have. Fantasy has always been about going into worlds that aren't real, and so if a reader can picture himself/herself in the world created by the author it provides enjoyment to them.

All in all I have nothing but praise for the story up to this point. Keep writing,

~Day

Would've that been so hard?

Would that have been so hard?
The kid in the wheelchair is the most interesting thing in this story so far. The whole real estate agent idea and your main character aren’t very exciting to me, but since that kid came into the picture I have a feeling that he’s going to add a whole new dimension to this story.
You should add some more details since I’m still not very clear on the setting. Is this set back in the time of horse and buggy? I’m curious to know more about what the people wear, and the architecture since this is from a long time ago.
I couldn’t find any major grammatical mistakes, so great job with that.
I read the prologue, and this doesn’t seem to connect with it whatsoever. It doesn’t have to, but if there was anything I should be connecting it to, I’m not getting it.
Keep writing!
~blacksheep

I'm back!

So, chapter one.
It's a little less exciting than the prologue- so much that I'm glad the prologue is there as a hook. Without it this chapter wouldn't be able to stand as a first. Ariana sounds like an interesting person, and the references to cloaks and carriages gives a glimpse into what kind of world this is set in, but I think you could exploit that a little more. If she is a city girl in the country you can set the scene by comparing it to her.
In the beginning you have mentioned the air being different, but what else?

And's or/and or's
Okay, that probably makes no sense. Basic sentence structure: connectives are neat little things that put two clauses together without needed to put punctuation in there. They all have their own uses too. You seem to start a few sentences

"And she knew this by first hand experience." - fourth paragraph down-
"Or a carriage. Or even a cloak." - third big paragraph from the bottom-

With connectives, even though most of your sentences are rather short as they are. What I would suggest as a practice is to take a piece of work and cut out as much punctuation as you can. Simply, if the sentence makes sence without it then don't use it. If the sentence starts with a connective, then cut out the full stop before it.

That's the name-
-don't wear it out! Ariana is a nice name, and it seems to suit your character well. The issue is that words like 'he' and 'she' have a knack for blending into the background, so as long as these aren't used at the beginning of sentences then you can get away with throwing them just about anywhere. Your reader has seen them so many times they glimpse over without even acknowledging them. Words like 'Ariana' however are not glimpse-over-able. When you use them too much the sound gets annoying to your reader.
Whenever the person you're talking about does change, (or even, when the girl you're talking about doesn't change,) just stick to 'she.'

Positives:
Of course there are positives! Mainly that I found this enjoyable to read, and it has its enterainment values. I like Ariana, and even though I struggled a little to figure out the setting, I like the subtle hints to character and setting that are in there already.

On to chapter two...