Young Writers Society

That Sacred Slut

"Slut!" they scream from behind her back
as she hurries down the hallway with quivering legs.
Filthy stares penetrate her clothes
as she tries to escape those groping hands.

She prays for wings to escape this hell
but wings are for angels, not for whores.

Dark tears that run down her cheeks,
moan for help from the hundreds present.
But no soul dares to spoil the show,
each of them bound to the chains of the crowd.

The scars from the intimate night before
now burn with the embers of shame and regret.
The illusion of love had been broken
and truth stared back like a face in the mirror.

It was pure lust that had driven his passion
and she was just a girl in his list to bed.
Now gossips have made him into a legend,
and she has been transformed into a hideous whore.

But neither the daggers of betrayal nor of shame
pierced her heart as deep as his hand on her waist.

And then as if possesed by Goddess insane
her hand flung out of control;
and all she remembered after that was
a scar on his face and silence.

The staring eyes were shut forever
and the groping hands were tied.
The filthy whore had now transformed
into that Sacred Slut Divine
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Inspired by GaGa's Song Preview "Government Hooker".
Go women's sexual empowerment!

It is really sad and the mood of the poem is dark. but it is definitely poetic. And I don't usually review this type of poems so I don't really know what to say. Well, the mood was very transforming and the rhymes, if you even had some, were good and I like the descriptive words. Overall the poem was good.

A great poem, i really enjoyed it, espeacially how she fought back at the end.

spike71294 wrote:but wings are for angles not for whores.

i'm going to assume you meant angels and not angles, might want to fix that.

Overall, a good poem, nothing major to critcize

Hey Spike, I'm here as you requested

"Slut!" they scream from behind her back
as she hurries down the hallway with quivering legs.

This is quite a way to start a poem; we're immediately thrown in the middle of action. It's baffling, too -- it's so different from what I'm used to seeing in a poem, and the word "slut" is a little off-putting. A technical note: the second line is too wordy compared to the first one in my opinion, so it's harder to read.

She prays for wings to escape this hell
but wings are for angelscomma not for whores.

Dark black tears that run down her cheeks,
moan for help from the hundereds present.

Choose either "dark" or "black"; you can't have both. The second line is just confusing. The wording implies it's the tears that moan for help, when it more likely is the girl. It's not necessarily wrong, but why confuse the reader when you can say the same thing clearer? Also, I can't understand what you mean by "the hundereds present". It probably is supposed to be "hundreds", in which case I reckon it means that there are hundreds of people present. Just... make sure you proofread your work so that spelling errors like this can be avoided.

The scars from the intimate night before
now burn with the embers of shame and regret.

I think "regret and shame" would flow better, but maybe it's just me? I like the word embers. I'm not sure if it's intentional that you had "burn with the embers", as "embers" automatically imply that the fire has been put out already. It's either a well-considered choice of word or an innocent slip...

The illusion of love now had been broken
and truth stared back like a face in the mirror.

This is the second time you use the word "now" in this stanza, so I think you can as well take it out. Besides, it's a bit confusing anyway -- is it "love now" or "had now been broken"? Plus something to consider: do you think you could have "reflection" instead of "face in the mirror"? It's less wordy, but still means the same thing. Your call.

and she has been transformed into a hideous whore.

Each of us is entitled to their own style of writing, but I just can't help it that words like "slut" and "whore" are nearly abhorrent to me -- especially in a poem. Personally, I believe you could bring out your point using more poetic and discreet words, but again, if this is your style of choice, there's not much I can do about it.

But neither the daggers of betrayal nor of shame
pierced her heart as deep as his hand on her waist.

Here you have an interesting image that is, however, a little overshadowed by the number of words in these lines.

Right! Well, I hope I have been able to help you at all. There's a powerful story in this poem, which is great. To be honest, I'm not sure if I had come and reviewed this particular poem without you asking me to, because the title alone is a little scary, heh. Although you should never judge a book by its cover... or a poem by its title.

See you around!


Demeter
x

Fabulous job! I dont see anything, really that i'd change about this; its a little vague in places, and then in some, a lotttt of detail, which kinda makes the poem a little hard to follow, but that's one of the reasons i like it so much.
Definitely a great one!

-PurpleHeart

Hi there

I love this. Like I really love this.

Firstly, your flow and rhythm is perfect. It literally rolls off the tongue.

Secondly, as other reviews have pointed out, it's very dark and even morbid themes. However I love that you don't shy away from the darkness of it. And you were able to walk the thin line between dramatic and melodramatic.

So really nothing to improve on here.

Please keep writing things like this.

Is it just me or is it totally demented that i CHUCKLED while reading this????? Since everyone seemed to beat me here, i will summarize my last five minutes.

*nods slowly* good words... wait wtf? *rereads* OH! duh. *scrolls down* uh huh, yeah, true. *cringes* alittle harsh. Oh, goog point. *likes* nice poem, wierd review. *hits reply*.....

And so, I say. Fantabulous poem. G. R. E. A. T. Kaaay, peace.

-VEE

thank you all the people who have helped to make my poem get featured! And i really wouldn't like the title to be changed, it will kill the soul of the poem.

To be honest, there isn't much to critique here. Demeter has pretty much covered everything, so I'm just here to comment, really.

The poem was very powerful, with a strong message. I like how you portray the MC's shame, and the people's reactions, the description is very good and feeds the dark message of the beginning. The ending too is powerful, though one thing confused me: the boy she slept with approached her in the hall and then she slapped him, right? Or did she slap him the night before? (But then that wouldn't make much sense). Either way, brilliant poem. It reminds me of another poem I recall reviewing of yours, but I can't quite recall what it was called. This is great, and I can't wait for more poems from you. Keep writing!

Tiger

P.S. Apologies for the short review; feel free to ask for another for your next poem.

This was amazing. I love poetry, but it's hard to find some that I can comprehend. I actually understand yours. It transformed and tailored my mood completely like it should. Keep up the good work. ~KIAya~ wishes you luck
...I didnt know there was a debate about the word slut.

Hey,

Demeter basically got everything, so I'll comment. This was great. I see girls called whores and sluts all the time, while the guy who slept with her is considered a God. It's ridiculous and I love how she fights back. This is great. The rhyme in the last stanza flows really, really well. Overall, amazing poem.

~Jas

It's rather interesting to me. I love the flow of it and the description was very good. I like that it was a "dark" theme, but really what is "dark"? This is a rather light poem to me, after all the ending made me happy. I guess you don't see this subject talked about a lot in poetry.

I loved that the action started out in the beginning. That's what drew me in. I also liked that you didn't shy away from derougatory (sp?) language, because that is what would really be said! And I like the part "possessed by the Goddess insane." Haha, it told me that this boy really must be popular. I could keep going with the parts I loved but that would be a waste of time since I loved it all. Good job and I love the title. It's perfect for this. ^_^

Oh...my goodness. This poem has left me speechless, but I'm sorry to say that my review is short.

On the plus side, your poem held a powerful message behind it. I really liked that I was able to notice that and you didn't just write it for the dramatic effect.

On the other hand, the verb tenses started to confuse me a lot. At first, you used present tense, but in other parts of the poem you used past tense. Just noting!

All in all, a really nice, although dark and true, poem to read. Refreshing, indeed. =)

Duuuuude. Your title is controversial, lol. I took out Griffinkeeper's message, by the way. ^^ The issue has been settled! Sorry for that mess.

Anyway, one thing I would really love for this is some sort of context. For me, I didn't really care about her having sex or whatever, but I realize that this may be because I am a different age and I haven't been to high school, where I understand that they do this sort of name-calling. So, for me, it's a bit odd.

Also, one thing that I wondered about... you talked about his reaction and why he did it, but never hers. So this "slut" label may be "rape" but then, that doesn't quite make sense because the rapists aren't really open about that sort of stuff, so likely nobody would ever know. So, I would like to see her view point too. Women's sexual empowerment is all fine and good, but we aren't just victims that get hurt and then get called names and we're completely blameless. Sometimes, that happens, but usually we're good at getting into stupid situations. Trust me -- I'm a pro. In any case, I would like more of her perspective.

Hope this gives you some ideas!

"Slut!" they scream from behind her back
as she hurries down the hallway with quivering legs.
Filthy stares penetrate her clothes
as she tries to escape those groping hands.

Just using this one as an example:

You have use capitals on the first and the third line but on 2&4. This confuses me.

After the exclamation mark there should be a capital.

But GREAT work.