Young Writers Society

Because that's my job.

JUST TO SAVE MY SKIN

I stood there, watching from afar as the fire grew bigger. I couldn't run. Heck, I couldn't even walk. I felt useless. Frozen in time. All the while it was headed straight for them.

But they wouldn't know that, now, would they?
Children hardly ever realize danger, because there's always someone there to weather the storm for them. But no one could weather this storm.There would be four more deaths as a result of this incident.
And this meant more blood on my hands- even though I didn't do anything.

But maybe that's the reason.
So I just stood there, at the near end of the hall, watching those children as they continued to play in the kitchen to my left. A few tripping over trays, banging pots together, and running toward each other with those sweet smiles. Smiles that wouldn't last long. But I stood there against my will and watched the fire as it slowly crept toward them. They seemed completely unaware.

I tried screaming.
" Move! Get outta here!"
A feeling of annoyance and anger overwhelmed me, because I knew they couldn't hear me.
But I was partially annoyed at myself.

'Cause I wasn't screaming so that they could survive, either.
I only screamed so they could have a chance of surviving, and maybe I could have the slightest chance of going through one day without having to think about this- or feel the guilt.

Because this was all a dream. And, unfortunately, my dream was their reality.It's been that way for as long as I can remember.

And it'll be me, who wakes up tomorrow morning as if none of this ever happened.
As if I never heard their screaming, never heard their pleading.
Never saw the accidental oil spill that caused the fire in the first place.


And I'll pretend that I don't know that which I know all too well. So I can sit with everyone else as the news reporters just replay to me what I've already seen.

--ALL OF THE GRUESOME IMAGES FROM "THE DAYCARE FIRE"--
-"YES, KATY, THIS IS A VERY SAD STORY AND A SUDDEN TRAGEDY TO BEHOLD-..."

Hell, I might even try to act surprised when I hear of the 'sudden tragedy' that occurred while no one was around.
Because I was. And even though I know exactly how those children died, I'll pretend that I don't.
Just to keep myself from dying along with them.






"So this is your book?" I asked, picking up an old, worn, copy of A Tale of Two Cites from the floor of his room.

"Yeah. Never finished it, though," he laughed "Never even made it past chapter one."

"How come?"

"Because," he answered, "Didn't like how the story began, I just figured that I wouldn't like how it ended, either," he replied, picking up his soda can once again.

"So..?"

"So..," he continued, reluctantly setting down his can of Coca-Cola, "I just stopped readin' it, I guess."

Wow. I really liked this, sounds interesting. It has a good gripper and if it were a complete novel I would want to read it.
It's really good for your first try too. Nice cover as well, shows some artistic skill.

No grammar or anything, nothing serious, but a suggestion:

Never saw the exact moment when the fire engulfed them in a blanket of red.
Best if not centered, like everything else.

And I'll pretend that I don't know that which I know all too well.
So I can sit with everyone else as the news reporters just replay to me what I've already seen.

Hell(not really needed to be italicized), I might even try to act surprised when I hear of the 'sudden tragedy' that occurred while no one was around.
Because I was. "Was" is better italicized than "I".

Really nice, and I'd like to read more!
(what is the bottom about, though?)

First off, love the cover. I have no idea how you did it, but don't change it.

This is a prime example of why I hate reading on websites like this. I have to wait days or weeks to find out what happens next. The whole thing gave me that itchy feeling I get when I have an idea or need to know what happens (don't ask, thats just how I work).

I just have one question, is the prologe a poem or in paragraph form? I'm no expert at poetry, but it sounds more like paragraphs but the way it's set up is like a poem. Really, I have no idea if that is good, bad, or how you intended it. Actually, I like it. Poems tend to suit prologes just because they make everything seem more mysterious and dramatic.

One last thing, I please keep that last bit at the end. It made me smile.

Sorry about the lack of critisizm, but I couldn't find much to critisize. Please keep this going!

This...is just really kinda epic. I love it! And the name of the book is awesome, I love that even more. I don't know why, but something about 'Chapter One' just really got me suddenly more interested. Maybe it's because it's different, unique, and doesn't make any sense, which is a good thing, it makes people want to read your book because they want to find out what it means.

But enough about the title, lets get on with the story itself!

First of all, you can deffinatley tell that your a poet; it is all over you writing. Which isn't necessary a bad thing, it actually helps to color up your words, but don't let it get out of control, there is such thing as too much description. But not only can I see the poet in your words, I can see it in your grammar. Your sentences are all separated like they're all in a different paragraph; that's only in poetry dear. Except for paragraphs, they only need to be separated by a space.
And you also use italics way too much, they need to be use more sparingly, only written for great emphasis or when someone is thinking. You do not need to write in italics when someone is speaking, quotation marks will do just fine by themselves. Also, you only simply need to make a new paragraph when some one new starts talking, you do not need to keep indenting it further (like you did with the last part when the two guys were talking)

Here's just a couple nit-pics I have picked out:

I tried screaming.
" Move! Get outta here!"
A feeling of annoyance and anger overwhelmed me, because I knew they couldn't hear me.
But I was also partially annoyed at myself.

'Cause I wasn't screaming so that they could survive, either.

This line can be completely cut out, in fact I would strongly suggest it. First of all because it's unnecessary; you have already explained this feeling in full. Second, because this sentence doesn't completely make a whole lot of sense; it's just worded kinda weird.

And I'll pretend that I don't know that which I know all too well.
So I can sit with everyone else as the news reporters just replay to me what I've already seen.

--ALL OF THE GRUESOME IMAGES FROM "THE DAYCARE FIRE"--
-"YES, KATY, THIS IS A VERY SAD STORY AND A SUDDEN TRAGEDY TO BEHOLD-..."

This is also unnecessary. It just doesn't add anything. It's like the other thing I told you to cut: you already explained this, you're just repeating yourself. We know what news reporters are, we know what they do, and, because of the story, we know what they'll announce.

But besides these few things, I think it was amazing, I can not wait to here more! (and I seriously mean it, you HAVE to write more soon!)

My dear Jojo... I'm here at last. Gotten over the reviewer's block and back with reviewing.

First are some nitpicks:

"<no space>Move! Get outta here!"

Here, I don't really think this should be italicized or whatever... or maybe it shouldn't be in quotations.

And this meant more blood on my hands<space>- even though I didn't do anything.

And, unfortunately, my dream was their reality.<space>It's been that way for as long as I can remember.

Hey there, dearie. I have a problem with the formatting. I don't want to intrude much with your style, but I think you should really consider the this: Don't enter to add drama...

For example...

Hell, I might even try to act surprised when I hear of the 'sudden tragedy' that occurred while no one was around. <right here>
Because I was. And even though I know exactly how those children died, I'll pretend that I don't.
Just to keep myself from dying along with them.

You've entered there. It's really annoying to read 'cause this is prose, dear. You gotta stick with standards. I know that it'll be a bit hard to swallow because poets have this what we call license. Poets have their excuse to defy grammar standards. I know because I was a poet first, too, before I went to prose. What I learned is that in prose, you gotta stick with standards.

But... that doesn't mean you can't still apply your style. I love your style, girl. I mean, the drama... the pauses. Just delete the enters and make real paragraphs. Am I making sense here? Gah... just PM me if you don't understand that.

Anyway, there's not much to nitpick here, except for this:

--ALL OF THE GRUESOME IMAGES FROM "THE DAYCARE FIRE"--
-"YES, KATY, THIS IS A VERY SAD STORY AND A SUDDEN TRAGEDY TO BEHOLD-..."

Seriously, I just go lost in that. The punctuations, the center formatting... Uh... I kind of really don't get that. The em dashes. Then in the next line you used a hyphen. Then that was before the open quotation mark, then by the end of the line you put the hyphen still before the closing quotation mark. It was confusing. Don't overdo the formatting. Remember, when you pass a manuscript, you can't actually put up those kinds of formats. It will just annoy editors. You know, there're all kinds of rules there.

But, I gotta tell you, this is a perfect prologue. It's intriguing. Got me intrigued. xD I was, like, oooh... what was that? xD Plus the ending dialogue was epic. (That's not part of the prologue right? It's just for fun?) So there, what I just want to tell you is, keep the formatting simple. Period. You're good!

Before I go, I wanna WELCOME you TO PROSE WORLD! *shakes Jojo's hand* Keep writing! =D/

~ Jashee ♥ << Yep, that's my new nickname. =)

Hey there Jojo!

Thanks for the request.

First of all, congrats on this great piece of work! First try? Kudos to you!

I thought this piece was fantastic, but I read it twice to make sure I understood. At first, I didn't understood who was narrating, I thought it was a ghost. I went back, read, and now I get it

This is quite intriguing. You give the right amount of description and detail, but leave more than enough mystery to keep us coming back for more.

The only issue I have is with the 'after prologue'. I'm not sure what the point of it is. I don't understand anything and the flow of it fell off to me. Almost as if it was added by mistake, because it doesn't follow the style of the prologue, you know?

Other than that, I have to thank you for this fantastic read. Kudos to you!

Tanya

Hey Jojo, here as requested!

Okay, so overall I think this is a brilliant concept. It's got quite the potential for becoming a great story, and I've no doubt that you'll keep it up and fulfill that potential!

My only issue is really in the formatting. From your spoiler, it looks like you're used to writing poetry more? Anyway, for this to be in story form, you've got a lot of extra paragraphs in here. And then centering certain lines just adds to the confusion. So, my suggestion would be to simply banish all poetry thoughts from your head and instead focus on what you've seen when you read novels; how do they separate their paragraphs? Not every line, that's for sure.

Also, the bit at the end was rather confusing. Between the dialogue being in italics and the switch in setting (which I also can't picture), it was hard to get a good grasp of what was happening. Was this some kind of a flashback? Something that happened after the fire? Was this part of the prologue, or is it the beginning of chapter one?

And then titling this piece "Chapter One: Prologue" is a bit backwards; prologues come before any chapters, usually just to serve as a bit of an info-giver or a hook.

But really, those are all pretty minor issues. For the piece itself and what you're going for, it's excellent. Please let me know when you post more! Keep up the great work.

And then titling this piece "Chapter One: Prologue" is a bit backwards; prologues come before any chapters, usually just to serve as a bit of an info-giver or a hook.

Hah. The name of the Novel is chapter one. lol
sorry for the confusion.

Thank you all for the reviews, I'll be workin' on it for sure!

-Jojo

--> Hello, Jojo! This is a great prologue! Like it! I dunno, I just couldn't give you a feedback about grammars etc because I was just a writer nazi- not a grammar nazi, lol!! :3 and anyway, about your prologue. Great! It was very intriguing, I even wonder why "Chapter One" was the title ( it's a very unique title anyway!) Maybe, because you are comparing the lead character's experience (which was stated in the first part of the prologue) to a chapter one. Your cover says that this is a thriller, so it means it's a horror story? Will the children's ghost hunt her down for not telling that she knew about the oil spill? Aww- well, can't wait to find out!

love,
CS

This is really good, I haven't got much to say because of me not reading it all, but so far, I'm enjoying it. Can I just ask what the actual name of the novel is, because it's confusing for most people that it's called Chapter one. Sorry for being picky, well done.

The name of the novel is Chapter One. Lol?

Hi there, JoJo!

So here to review! This is quite a short prologue so I don't think my review will be of much help. Also, you've gotten some pretty good, solid reviews already so again, that make this even hard to think of anything new in which to help you improve this prologue.

With that said, I want to start off by telling you what I liked about this. Firstly, you did a great job at building a tense, mysterious and definitely interesting prologue. I like how serious it was and how you were easily able to get your points across without giving it too much flashy details and what not. I admire that. It's hard to get a feel using short words and sentences and you did that quite well so congrats. ^^

Also, I totally like your novel cover. It's cool...just thought I'd let you know.
Now, as far as the formating goes, it's nothing too bad. The fact that you're more of poet can be easily read through your words and the way you formated the first few paragraphs. It's nothing bad, really but you'll have to be aware in the future to not make your paragraphs like poetry. Since it's the prologue and it reads in that sort of dramatic way, it's all good but just keep an eye out.

Overall, you did a fantastic job and the plot that you have built and the idea you have cooking is very interesting. I'm sure you'll catch a lot of attention with this one because I haven't seen anything like this done before so it's nice to see some new, fresh ideas like this. ^___^
Keep up the good work and if you have any other questions, just shoot me a message and I'll try to help out in any way.

All the best,
-Shear