Young Writers Society

LITTLE MACEY

Prologue ~ The Wardrobe

There was someone in the wardrobe.

Macey knew.

She sat on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest. As she chewed her bottom lip nervously, she never took her large, brown eyes off her wardrobe. She dared not make a sound. They would know that she knew about them if she did. Then they would come for her and once they got her, poor little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

Mama would be so sad. Tall, thin Mama who’d cried when Papa left. She’d called Papa naughty words when he stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Macey had seen it through the crack in the kitchen door. Sarah, Macey’s toy bear, had seen it too. She’d let Macey hide her face in Sarah’s soft, brown fur. Macey was safe then, with Sarah protecting her from Mama’s crying and Papa’s absence.

Macey wished she had Sarah now.

She almost whimpered, but caught herself before she did. They would know. Then they would come for her. A tear slipped down her cheek. Macey didn’t dare move to wipe it away. If she moved they would get her.

One of the doors shuddered a little, like someone inside had bumped it accidentally.

Macey sucked in a sharp breath. They were in there. They were waiting inside. Macey knew if she ran out of her room they would catch her. She had to run past the wardrobe to get to her bedroom door. She didn’t like her door: it was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her: it was shut tight, trapping her in.

And someone was in the wardrobe.

Macey hugged her knees tighter to her. She knew Mama would be calling her to dinner soon. But if Mama shouted Macey's name, they would know she hid in the room. Then they would get her. Poor Mama would still be calling to her when Macey was no longer there.

Macey wanted Mama to open her door and gather her in her bony arms. She wanted to get out of her room. She wanted to be far away and safe.

Her Mickey Mouse clock was on her bedside table. It kept clicking. The noise was the only one she could hear, other than them shifting around in her wardrobe.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…

The wardrobe door started to creak open. The black crack between the doors widened and widened. Macey thought she could fall into that gap and never be seen again. She couldn’t scream, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t run.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock…

A grey hand, with crinkled, old fingernails – like Mama’s wrapping paper for food – clutched at the opening door. A face peered out. A wrinkled, flaking face. It looked like a monster Mean Tom had drawn once. He liked to scare the girls with pictures of ugly faces. Mean Tom would have been proud of the monster: it was so scary. Big yellow eyes stared at little Macey. Its giant grin looked like it could swallow her whole. Macey saw the tiny, little teeth that filled that great, big mouth. They looked like the small stones she’d seen Mean Tom throw at the swans in the lake.

Tick … tock … tick…

The monster crooked one of its long, brittle fingers at her. Its huge mouth moved and its dry, cracked voice reached her.

“Want to come play with us, little girl?”

Tock.

wow that was so wierd and also a little scary. Nicew atmosphere you set though.

Emmmma! Ok, I promise I won't get mad at Tooth, only because I got to read something from you.

Really, do I demand so much?

Emma, I remember reading the first version of this and I still love it. You've created such a great atmosphere, so tense and quite scary.

MY only nitpick would have been to have the girl cover her mouth with her hands to make sure the whimper doesn't escape, but you explained why right after.

My only other question is: what was she doing before? Why the certainty there was something in there. I mean, the closet door doesn't creak right away: so why does she know there's something there?

Other than that, it was amazing. I love your writing, you already know that. Thank you for requesting this!

Mom <3

Hey Emma! I saw you posted something new and just had to read it!

This was a great start; I haven't read the early version, but this was chilling and immediately hooked my interest. I like your tone; it feels simple, like a young girl's voice, with the bold honesty of a child that makes what she knows to be even scarier. Oh, one thing about that though -- you say "Macey" a lot in the story, and even though it fits with the child's tone, it can also get repetitive, so it's just something to keep an eye on.

I really don't have much to critique; I noticed in some places you said that "someone" was in the wardrobe, and then you referred to them knowing that she was hiding in her room, so it's not consistent, but otherwise, it was all perfectly done! I really wish I could have been more helpful here.

Please let me know when you post more! Keep up the great work.

Here I am. This won't be too long, I'm thinking.

Nitpicks.

As she chewed her bottom lip nervously, she never took her large, brown eyes off her wardrobe.

Second time you've used "wardrobe" within a few sentences.

poor little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

I don't like it when people refer to themselves as "poor little [name]."

She didn’t like her door: it was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her: it was shut tight, trapping her in.

Couple things. First of all, saying the door is boring is very distracting from the whole fright thing. And secondly, why would she say that it is trapping her in if she isn't planning on making a run for it anyway?

A grey hand, with crinkled, old fingernails – like Mama’s wrapping paper for food – clutched at the opening door. A face peered out. A wrinkled, flaking face. It looked like a monster Mean Tom had drawn once. He liked to scare the girls with pictures of ugly faces. Mean Tom would have been proud of the monster: it was so scary. Big yellow eyes stared at little Macey. Its giant grin looked like it could swallow her whole. Macey saw the tiny, little teeth that filled that great, big mouth. They looked like the small stones she’d seen Mean Tom throw at the swans in the lake.

Okay, you'd think she'd be frightened out of her wits by now. But apparently not. She just starts daydreaming about a mean boy at school as a monster is walking out of her wardrobe. That's not realistic. And it's distracting.

“Want to come play with us, little girl?”

Unless this whole thing is a dream or something, this would just be so dumb.

There ya go. Keep it up.

-Kafka

Ooh, this gave me honest shivers! The way you portrayed Macey, through the way she viewed things and the characteristics of her room, was really good. It made me sympathize with her, because it really brings to earth emotions I think we've all felt at some stage in life - only hers is taken to a whole new level by the fact that there really is something there. The fact that safety was so close and yet so far really held the suspense (and my breath). When it comes to critiques I think Kafkaescense covered it really, really well. As you expand this into your novel, just keep the same suspense and feeling of innocence surrounding Macey - if she makes another appearance as a living human being, anyway. *shudders*
This totally drew me in. Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Ooh. A review request..haven't had any of those in a while (apart from novels I've been following for awhile).
New novel? Me likey :3

*reading*

Kafkaescence wrote:“Want to come play with us, little girl?”

Unless this whole thing is a dream or something, this would just be so dumb.

I don't think it's dumb, just creeeeepy.

I usually don't have many nit-picks when it comes to your chapters, this one being no exception. Yay!
I have to admit, though, I hate scary stories. Not in the sense of this sucked or anything, just that these stories really freak me out. I always imagine myself in their shoes, and frankly, I was scared of whatever was in the closet. *shivers*
Yeah, nineteen and I still get freaked out by the lil things.
Moving on. It was a good chapter, I'm anxious to see what freaked up stuff you'll come up with

Hey, Emma.

Let's get to it then!

As a whole, I thought that this was pretty good! I'm quite a bit of a fan of scary stories, so this is certainly the kind of thing that I'd read. I think you've done a good job of it too. I think that you were able to create some good tension here, and that is probably one of the most important aspects of a scary story, so it's great that you've managed to achieve that. I also like what we've seen of Macey, so far. Even though we haven't seen much of her because this was rather short, I feel like I got a good grasp of her personality.

When it comes to critiques, something that stood out to me was actually something to do with repetition. Basically, I noticed that you repeated a lot of the same words. For example, you used the word/name Macey a lot, and you also seemed to use the word wardrobe a lot. It definitely felt like you did, anyway. To be honest though, this isn't a huge problem at all. In some cases, it may be a little hard to replace/get rid of repetitive words, but there should eb a way you can work around it.

Mama would be so sad. Tall, thin Mama who’d cried when Papa left. She’d called Papa naughty words when he stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Macey had seen it through the crack in the kitchen door. Sarah, Macey’s toy bear, had seen it too. She’d let Macey hide her face in Sarah’s soft, brown fur. Macey was safe then, with Sarah protecting her from Mama’s crying and Papa’s absence.

I think one of the main reasons it feels repetitive in places is because of instances like the above. This was only a short paragraph, but you repeated quite a few words in it. What I noticed though was that those repeated words were all names of people. Because they were all names, I think it seemed more repetitive than it actually was... Does that make any sense? I know this is a hard thing to fix in this case because replacing names with he/she can get confusing if there's more than one person involved, but if you really try, there's always a way to clean things up a bit.

(Also, because you did use wardrobe instead of closet, that means your British, or at least not American, right? If so, whoop!)

The only other critique I have for you is quite an interesting one actually. Something that was niggling at my mind a little was that I found some parts of this cliché. Buuuut in a weird kind of way... Err, let me try and explain. The way this is written,the style, and the general situation isn't all that cliché. What I think I mean is that only some aspects--the minor details of this didn't seem as original as they could have been. Take the basic idea of this: a monster in the wardrobe. That's been done plenty of times before, but I will be honest and say that it doesn't bother me. I think the problem is that some of the more minor details are cliché.

Okay, so you've got a little girl, she's scared, she has a teddy that she likes to use for comfort, and she wants her mummy. While she stares into her wardrobe, there's a clock ticking, and the monster itself has the classic monster look. I mean, these details are what often seem to be in these kind of stories, from the ticking clock that counts down to the scary scene, to the scared child sitting on the bed. Although all of these things are written very well and used effectively, I think it would be interesting if you experimented a bit. Why don't you maybe try something a little different? Just be sure to keep it believable.

Take the clock, for example. Maybe instead of a ticking clock, you could have a necklace swinging against her window frame because it's being blown by the wind coming from the window itself... that was badly phrased by me, but I hope you can understand what I mean. It would still give the kind of tick-tock effect, but it's more original than a clock. Make sense?

Nonetheless, I definitely do like this. If you have any questions about this review, be sure to let me know and ask me. Overall, Emma, so far, so good. I think you've got the foundation of a great story here!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I really liked the tension and the atmosphere of the whole thing. It's almost like your there with her, wanting to comfort her but you can't. I did enjoy it so please write more!!!

O.O Wow, thank you all for getting to this so quickly!

Lele! First one there. ;] I'm trying to make this a little creepy and strange. Especially Macey. She's disturbed. Thank you for your comment. (:

Tanyaaa! AKA Borntobe, AKA Mum, AKA Bully... You read the first one? O.O *cringes*

borntobe wrote:what was she doing before? Why the certainty there was something in there. I mean, the closet door doesn't creak right away: so why does she know there's something there?

Well, it'll be mentioned later on, but it'll take time before we get to that. Okay, so I practically said nothing in explanation to that. Sorry!
Awww, you're always so lovely to me! *hugs* Thank you for reviewing! (:

Ranger Hawk! I guess it's just me trying to avoid ambiguity... but I am absolutely hopless with repetition! I'll try an keep an eye on "Macey".

Ranger Hawk wrote:I noticed in some places you said that "someone" was in the wardrobe, and then you referred to them knowing that she was hiding in her room, so it's not consistent

I'm sorry I didn't make this clearer, it was just shoved to the back of my mind while writing. :/ I meant, there's loads of them back where they reside, but one sent to go and get her. She thinks it's a scout, not a kidnapper, and will report back to the nest telling them that she knows they're after her and they all will come for her.
...Maybe I should have mentioned this somewhere. :/ Haha
^^ I will! But I want to finish chapter two before posting chapter one. And now I guess I'll have to go over it and erase all of the times I've mentioned their names...
Thank you, RH! I'm off to HTBD after this. ;]

Kafka!

Kafka wrote:

poor little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

I don't like it when people refer to themselves as "poor little [name]."

So it shall be deleted. There is something off about it. But I mostly dislike it when the villains say it to the heroes. Corny.

Kafka wrote:

Want to come play with us, little girl?”

Unless this whole thing is a dream or something, this would just be so dumb.

D: It's not a dream... But there's a reason for the talking and such. Maybe it looks stranger than I thought. :/

Kafka wrote:

A grey hand, with crinkled, old fingernails – like Mama’s wrapping paper for food – clutched at the opening door. A face peered out. A wrinkled, flaking face. It looked like a monster Mean Tom had drawn once. He liked to scare the girls with pictures of ugly faces. Mean Tom would have been proud of the monster: it was so scary. Big yellow eyes stared at little Macey. Its giant grin looked like it could swallow her whole. Macey saw the tiny, little teeth that filled that great, big mouth. They looked like the small stones she’d seen Mean Tom throw at the swans in the lake.

Okay, you'd think she'd be frightened out of her wits by now. But apparently not. She just starts daydreaming about a mean boy at school as a monster is walking out of her wardrobe. That's not realistic. And it's distracting.

...That's actually an amazingly good point. Do you suppose it would be okay for her to be imagining what may be coming out of the wardrobe and think of Mean Tom then, before she saw the monster? They always say our imagination is scarier than real life. (:

Kafka wrote:

She didn’t like her door: it was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her: it was shut tight, trapping her in.

Couple things. First of all, saying the door is boring is very distracting from the whole fright thing. And secondly, why would she say that it is trapping her in if she isn't planning on making a run for it anyway?

You're more likely to run to an open door than a closed one, right? The fact that the door is closed makes Macey feel like she'd never escape in time even if she tried. By the time she'd got her door open, she thinks whatever's in the wardrobe would've gotten to her. So it's not worth trying to run. She's trapped. There's no way out.
...I might need to elaborate a little more. :/

Anyway! Thank you so much. You've helped me with the weaker parts of this piece and really made me think through certain aspects. Very much appreciated! ^^

StoryWeaver! Ah, thank you! That was lovely. (: But...Ha, even now I still imagine a hand coming out from underneath my bed and dragging me down with it. Disturbed imagination much...

Spitfire! N'waaa. Thank you, Susie. (: Seeing as nothing has yet been set in stone, I wondering what I'm gonna come up with too... Lol. Haha, I always think I've walked in on a robber and they've hidden in my wardrobe while I go to sleep, and that they're getting fed up of waiting for me to go to sleep. I'm such a push-over, 'cause I always think I should leave and come back so this imaginary robber gets the chance to go. Hahaaa, whatta freak! ;]
Anyway... Thanksss! (:

Skins!Zomygosh. Skins, that was great. You've totally pinpointed what's been bugging me about this. I've been calling these types of stories (I've ideas of some that are in a similar style to this) familiar. Or beach novels. But yes, there are certainly aspects that are ... familiar/cliché. I loved your idea about the necklace. As I was reading your critique, I felt like my mind was being blown away with so many ...possibilities. Things I could do in this. I've always felt this was set in stone and anything I did to change it would just look weird. But wow. Talk about opening a door to a whole new world. Or idea. Yeah...
D: I can't find many synonyms for wardrobe. Without being American and saying closet, which I keep accidentally typing, that is. High five for living in the UK, by the way. (:
This is a big problem for me in beach novels. (Saying people's names to many times.) I don't know why it's just this type of story that I do it in, though. :/ Haha. I'm scared of ambiguity. ;] But I can see a few instances in that paragraph you highlighted (so colourful! ^^) where I could change it to "she".
Thank youuuu, Skins! That was really good and helpful. ^^ Ta.

Bugbug! Ahaa, your name and avvie are so cute. (X ...Sorry 'bout that. Aw, thank you for your comment. I have a first chapter all lined up, but I'm gonna go and nix most of the names in there. Thank you. (:


....Haha. That took me two days to write. And for a second I nearly lost it all. Gotta love Nate and his amazing memory reply boxes.

Thank you all so, so, so much! I'll go edit the original now. (:

~Emma

I liked it alot! Keep writing!

Hi there. ^_^ First of all, I've got a few nitpicks for you:

If she moved they would get her.

- Comma after 'moved'

The black crack between the doors...

- Perhaps, it's more fitting if you used 'space' instead of 'crack'?

- - - - - - -
Wow. That is just great! Nice job! I was actually reluctant and feeling lazy to read a story but, when I read yours, it kept me reading! It's really interesting, and I love the combination of mystery and horror that you put in it. I also like how you wrote it like it's meant to be a children's scary story.

You were good at descriptions too. The one thing you seemed to have missed is Macey's hair. xD I don't know if it's straight or wavy or something.

Anyway, I'm so looking forward to reading more! Tell me when you've posted the next chapter! You should make a club too!

Never stop writing! ^_^

Awww, thank you Titan for your comment. That was really sweet. (:

Whisperer! Thank you, too! ^^

Whisperer wrote:

If she moved they would get her.

- Comma after 'moved'

I missed a comma! :O If anything, I add unnecessary commas everywhere. Everywhere. Thank you for spotting that. (:

You were good at descriptions too. The one thing you seemed to have missed is Macey's hair. xD I don't know if it's straight or wavy or something.

Ha, nor do I. Eenie meenie mo .... straight. I'll add that in later on in the story. (:
And I soooo know that feeling. I'm naturally a wait-until-the-last-minute person, so I think, I'll do it later... Then forget about it. :/ But thank you for your review! It was really nice and helpful at the same time. (:
And I took your advice and created a group for it. Thank youuu. (:

Wow, that gave me mental images and the shivers. Good job, because that, my friend, is hard to do. The last line, gave me the creeps, so again good job. Keep writing.

Wow. You really know how to give a reader a metal image. I felt like I was sitting right there next to Macey. Great story so far! :) I can't wait to read more!