Young Writers Society

"Tomorrow is the execution
Tomorrow is the execution
Tomorrow is the execution
Tomorrowistheexecutiontomorrowistheexecutiontomorrowistheexecution-"

He rocks his head back and forth,
head hiding in his bent knees,
screams and little yelps escape his mouth,
crawling out from the insane, dead mind of his.

The room is black,
no windows,
no doors,
no escape,
except for a thin gray slate where the cardboard food comes in
and the itty-bitty box up above where the voice comes out.

"Tomorrow is the appeal
Tomorrow is the appeal
Tomorrow is the appeal
Tomorrowistheappealtomorrowistheappealtomorrowistheappeal-"

It's the same thing over and over
Week after week,
or perhaps month after month?
Year after year?
And the hardhard concrete walls the seemed so overbearing then,
have a use now.

And he stands for the first time,
stretches his tired, bony joints,
pleased at the loud cracks they make.

Then he runs to the wall,
head out front,
for the biggest crack of all,
finally finding his escape.

~*~

Hey guys this may sound a bit strange or rude or conceited or something but something an amazing YWSer had in her signature made me think a bit. If you like a poem or story or artwork or anything posted on YWS, click like. Not only so that it's a bit closer to being featured but because it's a great feeling to check your notifications and see '1 new person liked your work'. It takes about two seconds and doesn't even refer you to another page. It's a really great feeling peoples. (I'm not saying for specifically this piece, I'm saying in general.)

Click it.

This reminds me of something that would be in the novel 1984. I like it . This also kind of reminds me of V for Vendetta.

The only thing that I wasn't really fond of was:

jasminebells wrote:Tomorrowistheexecutiontomorrowistheexecutiontomorrowistheexecution-

and

jasminebells wrote:Tomorrowistheappealtomorrowistheappealtomorrowistheappeal-

.

It's your writing choice, I just don't really like it.


Other than that, good job.
Keep writing.

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

Thanks I wasn't too sure on the no spaced, italicized (sp?) lines either. I might change them, depending on how I feel in the morning. Thanks for the review!

Hey Jas!

First off, may I suggest the title "Tomorrow" ? Secondly, this a nice little poem. I love it. ^^ I like the flow, the rythym, the imagery. I love the whole, prison cell type of deal. It's an interesting subject for a poem. The flow isn't perfect and somewhat fractured in fact, but that's what makes it good. It doesn't need to have perfect flow or anything like that. This works for this poem.

Sadly, I don't really have any nitpicks, except making 'the' a 'that' in this line "And the hard, (And a space here with a comma) hard concrete walls the seemed so overbearing then, have a use now." Other than that, this is fine. Overall, this is a brilliant poem you have here and I adore it. *clicks like* Thank you for the brilliant poetry! Keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar.

Hey, Jas. Thanks for the request. Though I must warn you right now, I'm not so good reviewing poetry that I don't get. I'm more of an emotional, internal poet? How'dya explain that. But I'll really try my best - in sake of the trouble I brought for making you post the link in my WRFF thread, and review day. Blagh... Here it goes.

I think that this was a bit too fast. It wasn't rushed, but, for me, there was a story to it, which I wanted to grasp, but I couldn't because there were too a few details - again: just for me. So, maybe it's just me. Whatever. Ignore that. I'll go on to more important things, like your style of writing.

Honestly, this was good. Better than the previous one I read. But I was truly annoyed with this:

Tomorrowistheappealtomorrowistheappealtomorrowistheappeal-"

And the other line.

Maybe you wanted it kind of chanting. But it just didn't work - once again: for me. Because the appeal of your poem was kind of, heart-racing kind of poem. And those lines were just funny. It wasn't suiting this poem. It was like I would see that line in a hilarious, joke poem. I'm sorry. But I don't know. That's just what I think.

Last, before I end this comment post review, I would want to say: PICK A TITLE.
All of your poems, when I read it, are like, untitled for now. Do you ever give titles to your poems? LOL

I'll give you a tip on giving titles.

OK, remember: the title doesn't supposedly have to be a line or a word from the piece. It has got to be a totality of the piece. Get it? What is this poem about? As I told you, I don't get it, but you, as the poet, knows it. Do you know why is it so important to give a title? Because the reader will have an idea of what is in your poem - we readers would know what to expect when we read the poem. I think that's the reason why titles are always so important.

So there, I'm done babbling. I hope I helped in some way. So, KEEP WRITING!

~ Jash ♥

Thanks for the reviews and likes guys!

Personally, I loved the use of repetition in this piece. I found this piece of work flowed very well and was very effective in conveying its message and it was very powerful. It was easy for me to sense the urgency of the speaker when I was reading it. Well done!

I like it!
that's pretty much all I've got to say...XD

Thanks guys!

This is brilliant! Really easy to read and it flows perfectly. The repetition is well-placed and the fact that the story seems kind of unfinished really works here.

Keep Writing!
-Sops-

hey.. Its very nice poem and the title is good too... I did love the repetition of lines...It emphasized the importance of the day "tomorrow"... Hope you write more and more and more...

HEYOO!

Hi, I'm not much of a reviewer, but I like this. It was kind of sad, but in a strange kind of way. There's nothing specific I would improve, and I couldn't see any obvious mistakes. Overall it was very good!

If I had to be really nitty-picky then the title could be a little more related and longer. Like..umm..."Tomorrow he waits" or "Another day." I know there lame, but I think the word is a little too ambiguous. Keep writing though!

Thank you for letting me review (Comment!) on your work

Hayley the Crazy,
xx

Hi jasminebells,

Let's be honest; this barely deserves half a "like", and that's a generous estimate.

Your entire poem can be summed up in three lines:

A man was to be killed.
He didn't like that,
so he smashed his head on a wall.

When one can reduce a literary work and its main themes down to a one-stanza boiled lump of words that don't exceed two syllables each, you know there's a problem.

And this problem is that your poem is basically saying absolutely nothing. It's mildly interesting for about two seconds and then the reader moves on with the vague feeling that he just lost two seconds of his life to a pointless story. There's no moral here, so observation about life, no remark on any condition the reader has experienced... nothing. How are we supposed to relate to this convict? How are we even supposed to find beauty in the words when you use no imagery except for describing the man as "sobbing"/"rocking" and the box as "itty-bitty"?

Put this piece back in the corners of your mind, take out a fresh sheet of paper, and try to think about whether you can say something that would interest, entertain or educate the reader (preferably all three). Then write it. After you've done that, think about how you can make the reader relate by introducing description that matches experiences everyone has had - familiar smells, poignant sights, etc. Edit the poem as such.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

walls the seemed so overbearing then

--> this might ought to be.. "walls that seemed so overbearing the.."

--> about the poem, I like the concept that this poems sent to my mind, which is about being a convict & wanting to escape. (Is my interpretation right?)

--> Anyway,

Hey guys, thanks for the reviews!

@Galerius: Actually, he wasn't going to be killed. The repetition of the lines is kind of an interpretation of this method of tortue that I'm pretty sure is illegal now, where a convict is locked in a unescapable room with no windows or light or doors or even bars. A tiny machine screams out different things into the cell but for the most part, it tends to be a repetition of 'Tomorrow is your excecution' and 'Tomorrow is your appeal'. It's used to drive the convict insane in fear of his excecution and in hope of his appeal. Some say, 'Well, the guy isn't completely stupid. He must realize that they're doing the same thing over and over'. Think about it this way, if you were stuck in a black empty cell, 24/7, dirty and filthy from lack of shower. Minutes, hours, days stop mattering for these people and most of the time, the people who ut them in the cell are successful in driving the convict insane. A piece of dialogue from this book I read where a man mentions once that his uncle was so scared of being sentenced with the death penalty, he ran straight at a wall in his cell and bust his head open, which is ironic because the next day police had found evidence that found him innocent. This is pretty long but I guess I wanted to explain some things. Thanks for the review!