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Delusion



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Fri Feb 25, 2011 7:30 pm
Jas says...



AN: I was reading my old 'Dick and Jane' kiddie book and was thinking 'ZOMG. WHAT IF THEY'RE IN A ZOMBIE WORLD? AND SPOT IS A ZOMBIE?! AND THEY HAVE TO KILL HIM?!' and somehow, Spot turned into a little brother and this CAME TO LIFE.

~*~

“This place used to be a church.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

They sat on the floor, backs leaned against the wall. The moon shone through the stained glass, dying her pale skin a blue-green. His hair was messy and unkempt, the result of only one shower in two months- and that had been cold, hurried and rushed.

“Ryan, what are we gonna do?” she whispered after a long silence. She was tired, her body still weak from Pennsylvania, her head aching from where it slammed against the car door. Her mind was filled with images of blood splattered across the walls and floors of her living room; civilians screaming in panic on the streets as the hallucinations took over; and the most frequent picture in that slide show, of her brother, only 14, taking a gun from the waistband of his jeans, shoving it stiffly against his temple, face blank. His eyes closed and he pulled the trigger, falling to the ground. She had stared at him, frozen in shock, as blood began to pool from his head, staining the white tiles of the hospital floor a dark, black-red. That specific scene played over and over in her head, waking her up at night often, a scream caught in the back of her throat, her heart pounding.

“I dunno, Avi” he finally replied. The cuts on his hands still stung but at least breaking the window open had gotten them in, where it was warm and safe. He winced as he placed his hands on the floor, pushing the shattered glass pieces deeper into his palm. There was no antiseptic, no band-aid, no nothing. They hadn't bothered looking for a CVS or Rite-Aid; at this point, they were all 'turf' to whatever gang this neighborhood housed or emptied of anything useful anyway. Rubbing alcohol, band-aids were the first things gone, taken by frantic mothers who poured the searing liquid on their children, on the imaginary cuts only they could see. Their children sat wondering why Mommy was putting Band-aids on them when nothing was wrong. But even that was before, before society virtually collapsed on in itself.

“I'm hungry,” she said softly, interrupting his train of thought.

His eyes darkened as anger began to suddenly pulse through him, almost immediately and for no apparent reason. He knew subconsciously that something was wrong with him, having anger knock on his door so suddenly, but lashed out anyway.

“Well, so am I. Get used to it. There's nothing I can do. If I go out, I'll get shot by some gang member or attacked by them. They'll kill me, then come back for you. Now shut up and go to sleep. If they hear us, they'll come and you've seen what they do to the normal ones, like us. You've seen.” His hissed harshly, making her regret saying anything in the first place.

It was quiet again.

A little while later, after she had gone to sleep, curled up against one of the broken pews, he looked up at the ceiling. How everything in this place got ruined but the intricately designed statues of heavenly angels amazed him.

He stood, pushing himself off the ground, making his hands sting and throb even more. He brushed off the thin layer of dirt that had coated the back of his pants like Pixy Stix to a lollipop, the very same candy he used to love when he was younger, when life was better, average, normal. He grabbed his jacket from the floor, a wet spot where he wrapped the sleeve tightly around his hand to stop the bleeding earlier, and placed it gently over her.

He hadn't meant to burst out at her, it was just the frustration from the day. Her eyes were closed and her breaths came deep and steady, unlike the nights where she woke shaking and he had to hold her to his chest, her tears dampening his shirt. Those nights came more and more frequently since they came to the city, hoping to find the safe house everyone they met constantly talked about.

When they were in Virginia, the junkie hooker who was immune to the virus told them it was right outside of Pennsylvania. They left for the north right after she has died, gotten the disease from a “customer” regardless of her immunity. That's when they realized that the immunity applied to the air-borne version of the disease only, not the blood strain. They'd been more careful about getting cut after that, until tonight.

Ryan went back to find the comfiest area of the floor that he could, the area with the least broken glass, wood splinters and generally, dirt. He settled himself by the door, in case someone came in the morning or something, regardless of the fact, that if someone came while he was by the door unconscious, there really wasn't much he could do. He glanced back at Avi once more, before letting his eyes drop closed.

~*~

They woke early and left soon after, heading West.

They'd gotten to the border of New Jersey when they attacked. It was the first time Avi had seen one of them and she hadn't even screamed, her body was just shaking from fear. They were so pale white, translucent and they walked like ghosts, almost floated. Their lips were cut up and bloody, so scarlet red in comparison with their skin. It seemed like thousands and thousands were there but in reality, there were only five or so. The scariest thing about them, the thing that made them so dangerous, were their eyes. They were pure white, no pupil, no color at all and were so blank, it was if they were soulless. Ryan has seen what they could do to someone without them even feeling it. For the kill, each of them had something different. Ryan had seen one take a rusted black knife and just stab at the victim's face repeatedly with a blank expression on its face; he'd seen another gnaw at the victim's neck and face, placing bites and tearing skin till he died; and the horror stories he heard were even worse.

The person never screamed though, never fought back or against them. They were too busy, staring deeply into the monster's eyes. Just as Avi was doing.

~*~

Edited for a contest, I know it doesn't make much sense but I basically gave up on this anyway. :D
Last edited by Jas on Fri Apr 29, 2011 2:34 am, edited 2 times in total.
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 12:29 am
322sivart says...



Hey Jasmine,
I'm here as requested!
I like your story, and I like your characters so far. This is definately something that I would want to continue reading. Here's just some nit-picks:

She was tired but not in the literal sense.


When writing fiction, you have to make sure never to blatently say that what you're saying actually means something else. You have to be able to write something well enough so that your reader knows what you are trying to say.

If I go out, I'll get shot by some gang member or attacked by them.


Try to say 'gangster' or something like that. I don't think anyone really says 'gang member'.

When they were in Virginia, the junkie hooker who was immune to the virus told them it was right outside of Pennsylvania.


What was right outside of Pennsylvania? I know this is a way of trying to lure your reader in to read more, but if you leave too much out in the open, your writing can get confusing.
Overall, I really liked this. Keep up the good work.
-Alex
Need reviews?
I'd be happy to give them.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic76104.html
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 2:40 am
Jas says...



Thanks!! :D
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 6:50 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello Jasmine!

Here as requested. ^^

and that had been cold, hurried and rushed.


The two highlighted words almost mean the same thing. So you might want to slash one of the two.

“Ryan, what are we gonna do?” she whispered after a long silence.


That should be in uppercase since the dialog ended completely and by a question mark.

“I dunno, Avi” he finally replied.


There should be a comma before the quote.

having anger knock on his door so suddenly, but lashed out anyway.


You just had "anger" before in the same paragraph. Refrain from repetition.

If I go out, I'll get shot by some gang member or attacked by them.


"get attacked by them".

His hissed harshly, making her regret saying anything in the first place.


Should that be "He hissed harshly", and the second phrase seems a bit awkward. Try rephrasing that.

average, normal.


Again, these two words are almost the same.


I think it's just the characters that doesn't stand out very well. Because first of all, they are still unnamed even at the last paragraph and they're not developed well yet. But considering this might be the first chapter, I hope you can clear this up soon. Them having no names can easily cut the connection between your readers and characters. Their relationship is a bit blurry too.

The plot so far is good. I like how you depicted the setting. The two of them alone, the place outside is filled with chaotic events and gangsters. Nothing much bad thing to say about this except that you should clear state as to the root cause of the 'virus'. Maybe just add a bit of background information. I'm also a bit confused in your note, when you mentioned that this is piece is inspired from a book? Okay. there are zombies but this story lacks depth. ^^

Grammar wise, everything is said on my nitpicks. You just need some fixing of here and there.

Nitpicks aside, I enjoyed reading this. There are just some areas you need to smoothen out, but anyways, you have written this pretty well. Hope this helps and let me know if you have any questions. :D

Peace out,
Yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 7:06 am
Jas says...



Thanks :D
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Wed Mar 02, 2011 3:13 am
Jashael says...



Hey, Jash, thanks so much for the request. I'm glad this one is a short story... :D Well, I think am better with prose than poetry, that is, in reviews. Anyway, here it goes.

NITPICKS|PAY ATTENTION|CHANGED|ADDED

His hair was messy and unkempt, the result of only one shower in two months<space>- and that had been cold, hurried and rushed.


I think hurried is already rushed. Pick either.

...and the most frequent picture in that slide show, of her brother, only fourteen, taking a gun from the waistband of his jeans, shoving it stiffly against his temple, face blank.


His eyes closed and he pulled the trigger, falling to the ground.


This will be better if:

His eyes were closed as he pulled the trigger, and then falling to the ground.


That specific scene played over and over in her head, waking her up at night often, a scream caught in the back of her throat, her heart pounding.


I think that should be waking her up in the night often...

“I dunno, Avi,” he finally replied.


There was no antiseptic, no band-aid, no nothing.


The "no" cancels out "nothing", which will be the opposite of the idea that you want to show. If I may suggest, I'd say:

There was no antiseptic, no band-aid -- nothing.


Or.

There was no antiseptic, or band-aid. Nothing.


Rubbing alcohol and band-aids were the first things gone, taken by frantic mothers who poured the searing liquid on their children, on the imaginary cuts only they could see.


Their children sat wondering why their mommies were putting Band-aids on them when nothing was wrong.


But even that was before, before society virtually collapsed on in itself.


This is confusing. I think you meant this:

But that was before - even before society virtually collapsed on in itself.


Gah... I didn't help you. Just rephrase it? :|

He knew subconsciously that something was wrong with him, having anger knock on his door so suddenly, but he lashed out anyway.


...You've seen,he hissed harshly, making her regret saying anything in the first place.


They left for the north right after she has died, gotten the disease from a “customer” regardless of her immunity.


I have a couple of questions for this line: who was she? - and why change the tense? I didn't remember being told about another girl. And the has is present perfect. You've been using past perfect for things that already had happened even before it happened, and it was just a tad confusing.

OVERALL


There were confusing parts, but aren't hard to rephrase. I've pointed them above. If you fix those confusing lines, you're good. Nothing to worry about much in this piece really. The things is, it reminds me of a movie were Will Smith is the protagonist. I didn't finish that movie, but I think the plot is somewhere in line there, eh? I just hope this won't be compared to that story. I hope it's different. Well, there are hints that it will be different. And that's a good sign. First, they're a couple; you can add romance to this piece. That would make it more interesting. Plus, I think the title says, it, huh: Delusion. I must say, the title is interesting itself. Nice job on that! I like the opening plot.

I was just wondering, is this the prologue or the first chapter? Hihi... Just intrigues me.

I have nothing else to say, regarding the fact I'm not good with science fiction. I'll just have to warn you: Be careful. Sci-fi is a hard genre. I hope you're good with science and stuffs, because if you're not, I'm not discouraging you, but telling you to study more about this stuff. I know you can do it anyway. ;) so, KEEP WRITING! :D

~ Jash ♥
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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Wed Mar 02, 2011 3:30 am
Jas says...



Thanks Jash!
  





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Wed Mar 02, 2011 3:34 am
Jashael says...



You're welcome, it was really nice. :D *likes*
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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Sun Mar 20, 2011 12:30 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey Jass, Shubs here. I am here to review your piece after a very very long time. lol.

First of all let me clear up that I don't know much about Dick and Jane, and if you want to kick me for that, I get it. But I know it was meant for children to be educated or something; to form basis of their elementary education through reading. So I'm going to assume a bit that following their writing style you're going in for simple prose. But I might be wrong. :D

My one point here would be that there comes a patch in your story when there's a lot of telling and less of showing. Like when they go to the flashback. I understand that there is less you can do to make a flashback more of showy, but still I'd want you to re-work that part. Now I'll tell how. First of all it was a block. Like a big lock of words. Now just split it into small parts so that people can get more hooked to it. Big paragraphs normally scare them away. Other thing would be that you might add in some dialog by her brother or something like that to make it more of showy. Otherwise it becomes a bit stale.

My next point would be that you once mentioned that he was pushing his hand on the ground while the glass pieces were still in his hand. Now that, according to me, is something weird since if you're that hurt you won't want to exaggerate the pain. I might have took it as a wrong way, but still it was a bit of weird for me.

Next thing I'd like to rather ask. How are Avi and Ryan related? I haven't read the series so it might have to do with that, but if not then maybe you should consider showing us even that. How are they related? What's their age?

A small point would be that since this is a Science-Fiction so my mind races to future. It's not like every Sci-Fi has to do something with future but that's just something formed on my mind. So it would be very cool if you could clearly tell us the era and the times they're living in.


Other than that, I really don't have much to say and needless to say I am liking this story so far. Since it's regarding zombies so let me ask you to have a thorough research on them. People would like it if you were to bring some historical facts about them, or some folklore taking them in. I'll also need to say that you could create your own things here. Other than that, your writing style was simple, but still unique. I did like the beginning and I think most of the questions on his behaviour were answered by you, so a good job done. The plot is interesting and I'm just hoping that you experiment a lot with it and bring something unique about ZOMBIES. Now that you have a Zombie story, it's my right to re-introduce you to your soon-to-be-anthem:

Say yay for Zombies

Now I'll get out, but you know how to contact me when you need another review, right? :D
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 4:29 pm
Sins says...



Jaaas, hi!

I've arrived per request. You've already gotten some great reviews, so I can't guarantee that this review will be helpful, but hey, I'll try my best. If you have any questions or anything about this review once I'm done, just let me know.

After skimming through the other reviews, I do have to agree with some of the things that have been said. There are occasions in this that I find a little bit confusing, but I think that's mainly because of the fact that a lot of the time, instead of using names, you use he said, she didn't, he was e.t.c. You get the idea, right? To put it simply, I think you should maybe replace some of the he's and she's with the character's names. What you should do is read the piece aloud, and by doing that, it should be easier to tell where you need to put character's names instead of referring them to he and she.

On another note, I think you might have intentionally not used their names much... but if that is the case, I don't really think it's worked. It just seems a bit confusing to me. In the end though, it's your story, so it's up to you what kind of style you want to use.

Before I move on, I'm not sure if this is just me being stupid, but what's the connection between Ryan and Avi? As in, are they brother and sister? A couple? Friends? Friends who are going to turn into a couple? It wasn't really made clear. My guess is couple, but I can't be certain. But yeah, that's just a thought. Also, is this a first chapter or a prologue? It's kind of short, so I'm edging on prologue, but I'm not sure.

I have to agree with Shubhi on what she said about the telling, not showing thing. The part where you describe Avi's brother killing himself, for example. That part also seems a bit unclear to me, by the way. Did he kill himself because of the virus/zombies? Had he caught it? Or did he just think he was going to die form it or whatever? Why was he in a hospital? Anyway, yeah, what I did find out about Avi's brother, I found out through a rather quick, straight to the point kind of paragraph. You mentioned him dying in the space of one sentence. Instead of just saying that he pulled a trigger to his head, I think you should have eased us into it. Built up some tension or something.

The main problem with this, I think, is that it lacks some depth. It kind of feels like you've dumped us into the middle of a story instead of at the beginning. On the other hand, if this was a prologue, that wouldn't be as much of a problem because prologues are sometimes set in the middle, or even at the end of a story. The reason this feels a bit empty, I think, is because we don't know your characters yet at all really. For example, when I found out that Avi's brother had died, I just kind of shrugged it off. I didn't feel sympathetic towards her or anything. Don't get me wrong because I don't expect you to make me cry or anything, but before you give us information like that, I'd personally prefer to feel at least a little bit connected to your characters. Am I making sense here?

Negatives aside, I do like the look of this Jas. It seems violent and bloody. I like violent and bloody. :P I will warn you to avoid clichés though because there is a good amount of zombie and virus stories floating around the place. You don't want to end up having this story compared to them. Just a heads up there. Overall though, I do genuinely like this. I can certainly see it going places!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Sun Mar 27, 2011 5:51 pm
UnicornNerd says...



Interesting idea. Although it is not necessarily original, it is an original representation of the concept. This was very interesting, and I can't wait to read more. I don't really have any suggestions other than maybe add some odd twist, like they gg captured, but the leader of the gang that captures them is Avi's ex. I can't wait till you write more.
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 10:11 pm
Idraax says...



This is interesting Jasmine. But I was a little confused about this wording.
She was tired, her body still weak from Pennsylvania, her head aching from where it slammed against the car door.
I didn't really understand it at first and it took me a couple of reads to really understand it. Is there someway you can make the wording more clearer? That would be helpful. I am very curious to find out what this disease is now. I like the beginning. It's a good start. Keep going, I want to see more! :D
Check these out please! :)
Alezrani
Will review for food thread
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 7:54 pm
charcoalspacewolfman says...



Creepy...kinda cool though. I liked your description of the soulless monsters and the backstory, it blended pretty well with the current storyline. About the only things that irked me at all were: rushed and hurried mean the same thing, so it's redundant. And I'm not sure about the pixy stix description. It seems a tad off; kinda thrown in there.
Overall, though, this was good. If you can find a place for this tale to go, do it! It sounds like it would make a really cool story.
HMS Tragedy?! We should-we should have known!!!
  





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Thu May 05, 2011 1:51 am
synismysyn3 says...



hey i never read a zombie story before (: few gramatical errors and spelling erorrs, but were all human (: i rly hope you continue this piece because you totally hooked me in. keep writing so that i can keep reading =] you definetely had a way with wrds, thats for sure =] your such a good writer.
  





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Sat May 07, 2011 8:21 pm
silentpages says...



"They sat on the floor, backs leaned against the wall." The second part of this sounds a little odd. There are a number of ways you could fix it though, so it shouldn't be too hard. 'leaning back against the wall.' 'leaning against the wall.' 'backs against the wall.' Whatever you prefer. :)

"Rubbing alcohol, band-aids were the first things gone, taken by frantic mothers who poured the searing liquid on their children, on the imaginary cuts only they could see. Their children sat wondering why Mommy was putting Band-aids on them when nothing was wrong. But even that was before, before society virtually collapsed on in itself." Maybe an 'and' between alchol and band-aids, but other than that, I love these lines. Very nice way of alluding to what's brought the world to this point.

"he looked up at the ceiling. How everything in this place got ruined but the intricately designed statues of heavenly angels amazed him." Wouldn't it just be because they couldn't reach that high, and it wasn't worth the effort to try?

"like Pixy Stix to a lollipop, the very same candy he used to love when he was younger, when life was better, average, normal." First of all, I love that kind of candy. :) Second, 'the very same candy he used to love when he was younger' sounds kind of lame to me. Maybe you could change it to something like, "like Pixy Stix to a lollipop... He missed Pixy Stix. And lollipops. And the normal life he'd had before." *shrug* Something like that flows a little better, I think, and keep us in-character more.

"Ryan went back to find the comfiest area of the floor that he could, the area with the least broken glass, wood splinters and generally, dirt. He settled himself by the door." So was the spot by the door the comfiest place, or did he give up and settle for there? It seems to me like there would be a lot more stuff by the door. If there was glass set into it, that would be broken. If the door was forced, there might be more splinters there. And that would probably be the spot where dirt gets in from the outside...

Ends sort of abruptly. From the way he got mad earlier, I thought maybe he was turning into one... Not sure if that was the implication or not. This was really good. ^^ I liked it. I think you did a nice job of giving us information slowly, rather than dumping it all on us at one time. :)

Keep writing! :D
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  








Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
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