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Hearing



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562 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 719
Reviews: 562
Wed Feb 09, 2011 10:29 pm
Button says...



“Hush”.
You had such long fingers:
they lay across my lips as you looked
away, looked at the world we didn’t belong to,
and the grime and the wealth and hate that
we loved to watch.
“Listen,” you said, “listen.”
I felt my shoulderblades embrace the brick wall behind me, and
my bones clung to each ridge. My feet were light.
The alley was dirty, and smelled of survival. Survival was disgusting.
I looked up at you, and you frowned.
Listen.”

I turned my ear to the street, and you pressed a soft hand to my eyes, satisfied that I'd complied.
Sounds washed across my skin.
I could feel them seep in between your fingers, which were calloused and gentle
against my face. They sang to me, but their voices were
old and ragged and gone grey like the winter;
I could smell the bourbon in them, the radio squawks mumbles of outcast introverts: I could hear the obstinace
in the consistent roll of tires, racing, racing, racing
to that next appointment, the blank stares of the people
who couldn't see the sunset while they looked through their car windows,
too hindered by the glare and the monotonous anticipation of
"What will I make for dinner tonight?"

My face wrinkled and rankled in disappointment, asking myself
"When will they learn? When will they learn to live?"
You brought me back to the dark when your thumb moved against my nose, a movement
so small that you hadn't even noticed yourself making it.
I knew you better than you did.
I could hear your breath, and the
pulse beating against your shirt, and I listened.

I loosened your fingers from my skin with my own hand,
and kissed each tip.
"I can hear it."

Author's Note:
Spoiler! :
So, I wrote this a couple of days ago, and haven't been entirely pleased with it. I was planning on adding more, and I've toyed with it a whole lot, but am now out of ideas. Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading!
-Coral-
  





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131 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3181
Reviews: 131
Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:23 am
322sivart says...



Wow. As with all of your work, it is phonomenal. I have to say that one of my weaknesses as a critic when reviewing poetry is that it is hard for me to read something that I don't like.
There's really nothing wrong with it, the pace was perfect, the wording was beautiful.
Just one thing. At the end of the first stanza, I would ditch "Survival was disgusting.", only because I feel it was already implied in the context, and it just feels disruptive to read with everything else. I think it would be a smoother read without it, but that's just me.
Excellent work.
-Alex
Need reviews?
I'd be happy to give them.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic76104.html
  





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53 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4624
Reviews: 53
Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:53 pm
amiemalamie says...



Hey I'm Amie and I'll be reviewing tonight :)

This is lovely, I love the relationship between the two of them that you've started developing - maybe you could experiment with this more when you continue, I'd definitely like to see more of it!

'you hadn't even noticed yourself making it.
I knew you better than you did.'

My favourite two lines of this piece, it feels very authentic and I can really imagine it and feel it.

I'm not really sure what kind of structure you're going for here, it seems to be a tad erratic and because of this I'm finding it difficult to get any kind of flow or rhythm going as I'm reading it.

I really did enjoy this though. Very creative, and some wonderful moments in here that are quite vivid.

-Amie
Check out my novel My Life of Insignificance

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