Young Writers Society

Stop and Stare ~ Chapter Three, Part Three



Charlie

For someone who'd never gotten drunk before, I think I knew the feeling pretty well right now. I tried to concentrate on the square mirror, and waited for the spinning feeling around me to disappear completely. Doing so, I kept my hand on the back of my head and sighed. When I brought it back down this time, there wasn't any wet blood on my palm. Yes! Maybe my damn head had finally stopped bleeding.
I turned the silver tap on and let the water fall onto my bloodstained hand. The blood from my hand ran down the drain, getting rid of the sticky feeling from my palm. The water felt amazing on my fingers as it washed any remaining blood from them. I couldn't resist splashing some of the icy liquid over my face as I looked back up to the mirror. Fricking hell, I looked like a corpse. I sighed again as I rubbed the back of my head. No blood. Perfect. So long as that Zoey girl didn't say anything to anyone, I'd be able to go along with this audition fine.
It was strange. I couldn't for the life of me actually remember what Zoey's face looked like. I knew she was blonde, but that was about it. I rubbed my head as if it would make the dazed memory of ten minutes ago any clearer. I grinned before I turned the tap off. I think she thought I was taking the piss out of her. I'd tried acting relaxed, but considering I fell over about ten times, it didn't really work out.
I glanced into the mirror one more time, a bit more pleased now that the colour had returned back into my face. Soon enough, I was out of the boys's toilets. Compared to what the school looked like when I was half-walking, half-stumbling, now, with all of my senses intact, I was able to fully realize how incredible the place actually was. I'd passed this building so many times, leaving me eager to know if the inside matched up to its grand outside. It bloody well did.
The clean, white hallways seemed to hint at a hospital, which was a little weird, but except for that, everything around me left me in awe. My Converse began making squeaking sounds as they slid across the immaculately clean floors. I couldn't help myself from gazing at my surroundings as I wandered along the wide hallways. The blue classroom doors that were previously just hazy colours were closed, so to my disappointment, I couldn't see inside. All that I could see were signs that directed to which lessons were taught behind those doors.
I turned a corner to reveal a smartly dressed girl with cropped hair strutting towards me. As she neared me, she blatantly tucked her bag under her armpit. She passed me with a glare and pulled a sour face, while still grasping her bag like some madwoman. I rolled my eyes at her and she immediately turned away. When she was behind me, I turned my head to see her bag now loosely swinging in her hand. A huge part of me actually wanted to nick the damn thing, just to take the piss.
I kept my eyes on the walls and searched for any signs that directed me to the theatre: the room where the auditions were being held. There were posters about concerts, clubs, and timetables which distracted me slightly from the signs that I was looking for. After walking for ten minutes or so, the smell of something sweet began circling the warm air around me. I glanced to my left to see one of the blue doors open thanks to a small block of wood. The people inside the classroom were wearing stripy aprons and relaxed smiles. My pace slowed as I passed the room, and noticed that there were rows of sinks at the back of the room as well as gleaming ovens built into some units. All of the people inside were adults, so it must have been some kind of school holiday cooking class.
After completing what felt like a never ending maze, I caught sight of two huge doors in the distance. The word Theatre was imprinted on the front of them. That sounded about right. As I neared them, the heart warming smell of the cooking behind me started to drift away. I stopped in the hallway, stared in front of me and sighed. This was stupid... I was stupid.
I'd hidden the fact that I had an audition for a scholarship from my dad and brother, climbed over a huge wall, fallen off that wall, been unconscious for a good few minutes, embarrassed myself in front of some girl, just to get into some snobbish school. A school that I wouldn't be capable of getting into anyway. I groaned and scratched my head as my dad's smirking face shoved itself into my mind. I should have just listened to him when he told me I had to grow a brain before I even stood a portion of a chance of getting into Greenview. He was always right. I knew that. I had to go ahead and come here anyway though, didn't I?
I remained standing in the middle of the empty hallways. It felt as though the walls were closing in on me, as though the damn things would end up crushing every bone in my weak, little body. I shut my eyes and began muttering under my breath. I couldn't just give up now though. I couldn't. Even if it only worked for a measly few hours, I had to find something to distract me from... other things. I cursed to myself. You know the rules. Don't think about it. Not for a second.
I felt like kicking every part of me that decided to climb that ridiculous wall. For one, I could have easily been caught, and secondly, it resulted in me knocking myself out. If I wasn't the biggest prick in existence, I might have had the common sense to just find a telephone box somewhere to call the school. The phone number was on the letter they sent me, so it would have made sense. Trust me to have only thought of that now. That was over now though, and I was fine. I just had to think about what was ahead of me. I took a deep breath and walked forward.
As I opened the doors, the first thing I saw was a face staring at me. Was that...? It was. Her face was a lot less hazy than what I remembered of her from outside, but I could tell it was her from the moment I saw her. Her hair was a soft blonde colour, and it fell loosely to her waist in soft waves. She had dark blue eyes, ones that I surprisingly hadn't noticed earlier. There were some honey coloured freckles dotted over her nose that seemed to match some of the darker streaks in her hair. I tilted my head. Her pretty features somehow suited the neutral coloured clothes she was wearing. Yeah, it was definitely Zoey. She kept her eyes glued to me as I wandered in. I couldn't help but grin slightly as I saw her.
"Stalker," I chuckled under my breath.
I was in what I assumed was some kind of lobby, but it was being used as a waiting room of some sorts right now. There was another set of tall doors at the right end of the long lobby, which I guessed led to the actual theatre.
A few kids glanced at me as I entered the room. They were all sitting in a row of red chairs against the wall that led to the theatre's doors. Most of the kids looked as though they were going to throw up. They must have been the other people here for an audition. I noticed that he floors and walls were as equally white as the ones outside without a speck of dirt anywhere.
Zoey was sitting quite stiffly on one of the fabric chairs opposite the other kids. Beside her was a wooden desk, and there were another three empty seats next to hers. There was a woman that had worryingly similar features to a mouse sitting behind the desk, but she didn't look up at me once. Strands of mud coloured hair fell over her face in curls, almost like twisted branches of a tree. Her face was a pale white colour.
When I looked at Zoey, she was staring at me, and it wasn't at all subtle. She glanced at the theatre's doors, then at me, then at the floor, then at me again. When she realised that I was watching her, she opened her mouth, but soon closed it again. She began biting down on her lip. After turning away from where she was sitting, I started wandering towards the row of seats opposite her. I was being careful not to stumble or anything; I didn't want that girl on my case again.
"Hey!" I heard a strained whisper.
I turned my eyes to the far left corner of the room to see Zoey with her eyes on me again. She jerked her head at me, making her look like some kind of nodding chicken. I paused for a moment.
There was something about her that made me take a second look... I wasn't sure what that was exactly. I could remember that when Zoey woke me up and I saw her face earlier, there was just something there. I didn't have a clue why exactly, but I swore I'd seen her before. She looked familiar.
"Come here," she said a little louder this time.
Some of the other kids were paying more attention to me now, so I decided that it was best if I did as Zoey said. The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to myself.
"Fancy seeing you here." I sat down on one of the seats beside Zoey and smiled.
"Are you okay? Is your head still bleeding?" she said in a hushed tone.
"Yeah, it's all good." I rubbed the back of my head, then showed her my palm. "As dry as Gandhi's flip flop."
Zoey remained silent and kept her eyes on me for a moment. Like she'd done earlier, she opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. Instead of speaking, she reached down beside her. She brought her arm back up, and in her hand was a battered bag. My bag. Oh, crap, I'd left my bag outside? How on earth hadn't I noticed that earlier? I really must have been concussed or something.
"Oh!" I leaned over and took my bag from her hand. "Thanks, Zo."
"It's Zoey. Only my brother and si--" She paused, then glanced away for a moment. Okay... "Only my brother calls me Zo ."
Either she was in a really bad mood, or she despised me. I was hoping it was the first one because having someone from the school hate me already wasn't a good start. Plus, she'd be someone I slightly knew beforehand if I did somehow accomplish the impossible and get into this school.
"Uh, okay. You alright?" I asked as I shut my eyes and rested my head against the wall behind me. "You seem a bit... tense."
She sighed. "Sorry, I don't mean to sound snappy. It's just..." I heard her shuffle in her seat. "Okay, so the entire timetable is behind schedule. Look." I felt her nudge me, which made me open my eyes. She was showing me the screen of her phone. "It's over an hour and a half behind! How ridiculous is that? Now I can't hand my forms in until at least two o'clock. Some people need to have a better management of time." Her voice gradully trailed off as her sentences went on.
"Score! That means I ain't late for my audition," I said a bit too loudly.
Some of the other kids glanced in our direction as they seemed to became more intrigued by what I was doing. One kid with an oversized trumpet thing started smirking as he muttered under his breath. I narrowed my eyes at him. Once he realised I was looking at him, he glanced away, but as his head turned, his smirk remained on his round face.
"Hey, you never said what your name was." Zoey grabbed my attention again.
"Didn't I?" I thought back. "Oh, yeah, sorry. It's..." I grinned. "Dick Lemon."
"Dick Lemon?" she said. "Seriously...?"
I started laughing as Zoey stared at me wide eyed. She genuinely believed me. She must have been the most gullible girl ever because even after I began laughing even more, she still looked at me with the same blank expression.
"Nah, only messing. It's Charlie." I smiled. "Charlie Black."
Zoey appeared to be more than relieved that my name wasn't actually Dick Lemon. I struggled to take the smile off my face as I continued looking at her. I couldn't believe it. This, from the school to Zoey, was completely taking my mind off everything. Austin was right - he was always right. All I needed was something to distract me and the thoughts of that night would disappear. I was smiling, even laughing, and it wasn't the slightest bit forced.
My mind seemed to be fixed on this audition now, and it was almost as if what happened that night was just some crazy dream. That was it - all I needed were distractions. Whether it was some grand school or a weirdly interesting girl, it worked. How the hell it worked was beyond me, and I didn't really want to question it either. These distractions were like drugs to me.
I sighed as I caught a glimpse of my wrist. Oh crap, it was starting to swell quite badly. "I'm gonna have to scrap playing the guitar now..." I mumbled, more to myself really.
According to the letter the school had sent me, they were able to provide any instruments if needed. I was going to just bring my own guitar, but then I thought against it. The thing was in tatters, so showing up with something in such a bad state would have most likely lowered my chances of getting into this place, judging by the quality of everything else in the building.
"Don't worry about that," Zoey replied. "Just show the judges your portfolio when you go in. They'll be able to see what grade you're on or whatever when they look at that."
I stared at her, waiting for her to expand on what she'd just said. A portfolio? And that was what exactly? By the sound of it though, I didn't need one anyway. I didn't have any grades or anything for... well, anything. I was way too crap at everything for that.
"You do have a portfolio, right?" she asked as I simply looked at her. "You know, to show the things you've accomplished."
"Zo, the biggest thing I've ever accomplished is downing a litre of Diet Coke in one go. Without taking a single breath, if I may add. I've got my GCSEs though."
"Zoey," she muttered under her breath.
I picked up my satchel styled bag with my good hand and began searching through it. I nudged the unnecessary things out of the way until I reached a pile of paper that was stapled together.
I whipped it out of my bag and showed it to Zoey. She took it and began glancing through it, pulling faces as she did so. Some expressions looked impressed, and some looked more worried than anything. Her eyebrows were continuously raised, then lowered. It almost began to look as though they were dancing across her forehead.
"You've got your GCSEs, but I can't see anything specifically aimed at music. I assume you're doing music... I mean, today is for the music auditions and for renewing scholarships."
"I ain't got any grades. I never bothered with lessons or anything." I shrugged.
I must have been speaking loudly again because for the second time, the kid with the oversized trumpet started sniggering. He was beginning to piss me off now. I clenched my fist - the one that wasn't attached to the crippled wrist.
Zoey handed me the papers and glanced at her watch. Two people had been called into the theatre since I'd sat down, and by the look of it, there were a few people left to go before me.
"Adam Johnson?"
The sound of a voice behind me called a name. I turned around to look at the mousy woman sitting at the desk behind us. She had her square glasses lowered on her nose, and her eyes were searching the row of kids. I noticed that tere was a plastic name tag pinned to her shirt that read the name Jennifer. The boy with the oversized trumpet stood up, which allowed me to realise that he was only an inch or so taller than his huge trumpet. I held back a laugh.
He made his way towards the theatre doors with his eyes locked on me as he did so. As he passed me, his trumpet 'accidentally' smacked against my hand. He apologised with another one of his smirks while I tried to ignore the pain that was now throbbing in my right hand. Adam then entered the theatre. What was the guy's problem? Seriously?
"Is that kid high or something?" I muttered.
"I doubt it..." she said. "He needs to be more careful with that blooming trombone though." Ah, so that was what an oversized trumpet was called. Zoey furrowed her eyebrows as her eyes remained glued to her watch.
"What is taking them so long! All I need to do is go in, hand them my papers, sign a few things, then leave." She groaned as she turned her attention to the woman behind the desk. "Jennifer, can I have something from the fridge please?"
Fridge? I started laughing. The woman behind the desk smiled and nodded before bending down. When she came back up, she had a packet of something in her hand. She had a fruit bag. The woman, Jennifer I figured, handed Zoey the bag as Zoey said her thank you.
"What?" Zoey looked at me.
"Nothing..."
"My dad keeps some here for himself. He knows I like having them an hour before food and I'm having food soon, so he asked me if I wanted him to keep one here for me this afternoon."
This girl was amusing me like hell. She opened the bag to reveal a rainbow of colours and shapes, reminding me of my days in primary school. Things were a damn lot easier back then. I shut my eyes for a moment as the sweet aroma of the fruit wafted into my nostrils. I opened my eyes again to see Zoey taking a slice of red apple from the bag and popping it into her mouth. I watched as though the fruit was hypnotising me.
The woman behind the desk, who I know knew as Jennifer, leaned over and started whispering to Zoey. "Is he bothering you, Miss Cardle?"
Yep. I so didn't hear that. Jennifer glanced at me and smiled as though I was completely oblivious to what she'd just said. I smiled sarcastically back at her. Her hair was beginning to look like rotted vines rather than branches now.
"No, it's fine, thanks," Zoey replied with a grape in her hand. She turned to me. "Um, do you want one?"
She held the fruit bag out in front of me, which made the smell even stronger. "Sure, thanks." I reached into the bag and prepared to grab one of the grapes.
"No!" I jumped at the sound of Zoey's voice. "Um, take a carrot stick instead. I've already eaten a grape and a slice of an apple. You have to eat a carrot now. It'll be uneven otherwise."
She was kidding, right? Why did she offer for me to take something if she wouldn't let me eat half of the things in the bag? How was a carrot even classed as fruit? Zoey must have noticed the fact that eating a carrot wasn't on the top of my list because she began speaking again, but this time, her voice was smoother.
"Carrots help you see in the dark, you know," she said.
"That's what light bulbs were invented for."
"Oh..." She paused. "Please?"
Partly because I was in a kind mood, and also because I was partially afraid of how Zoey would react if I took a grape, I took one of the carrot sticks instead. Unfortunately for me, I loathed carrots. Nonetheless, I thanked Zoey and pretended that I didn't want to throw up as I ate it.
"Charlie Black?" a voice from the desk behind us called.
I turned to that Jennifer woman, and my heart suddenly made a break for it out of my ribcage. Trombone boy was quick. I thought I'd have at least another ten minutes until I had to go in. Zoey turned to me and nodded at the double doors as she ate a carrot stick.
"Uh... See you around then, I guess." I stood up after shoving my GCSE papers into my bag. I then lifted it over my shoulder.
"Good luck." Zoey smiled at me as I began walking towards the doors.
Moments later, I was inside the enormous theatre.
My feet echoed as I walked into the room and my breathing gradually became heavier. Any comfort I'd previously felt in the lobby was beginning to disappear as every step I took began feeling heavier and heavier. The first thing I saw was a wooden stage at the back of the room, and then I noticed the endless set of stairs that led to that stage. Surrounding the stairs were long rows of seats. They were blood red, and every one of them was empty. I thought they were until I noticed that three in the front row were occupied, that is. I swallowed hard and forced myself onwards.
There was a heavy silence in the room. The only sound was the hushed ticking of a clock in the distance, counting down the time it took me to reach the bottom of the hard steps. The closer I got to the three men sitting at the bottom of the stairs, the more my stomach churned. I was going to make a prick out of myself, I knew I was. I was going to screw it all up. It wasn't as though I even had a guitar to save me now.
After what felt like a century, I'd reached the bottom of the stairs. There was a loud ticking sound form the clock. I could now see that there was a table covered in papers in front of the three seats, and every judge seemed to have a glass of water each. They were writing something, then who seemed to be the youngest of the men by a long shot looked up at me.
"Charlie Black?"
I nodded, unable to get anything that made any sense out of my dry mouth. The other two men were looking at me now, then the youngest man asked me for my portfolio. Remaining silent, I handed him the papers from my bag. I muttered the name of the song I was going to sing after he requested me to do so. He had a quick look through my papers before nodding at the stage, and signalled for me to make my way towards it.
I jogged up the stage's stairs, and soon enough, I was standing in the middle of the stage. I dropped my bag onto the floor with a thud. What am I supposed to do now? My thundering heartbeat was almost deafening me as I waited for something to happen. It was almost beating as fast as when Austin and I were running out of the park after... I bit down on my lip. Stop. Why the hell was I thinking about that now? I'd gotten through at least half an hour without thinking about it once, so why was it creeping into my mind, and potentially poisoning it now?
"Okay, you may begin." The bald man smiled at me, but it was puckishly sweet.
My mind yelled at me to start singing, but my mouth refused to open. What was wrong with me? This never happened. I blinked, then opened my eyes to see that this wasn't some messed up dream. Just sing, I told myself. Too bad my voice wouldn't cooperate.
I didn't even deserve this opportunity, not after what I'd done. I started rubbing my arm. When I saw the wall outside, I should have just left. I should have gone home. I lifted my gaze to the three men in front of me who were waiting for something to happen. I then looked back up to the top of the staircase I'd walked down minutes ago. It was slightly ajar. I hadn't bloody checked to close it, obviously.
For a moment, I shut my eyes. I had to do this. I had to stop my legs from shaking, and stop my stomach from churning like some violent washing machine. Trying to remove the thoughts of where I actually was, I began singing. At first, they were just words built together to make some sort of melody. I thought about every word that shot out of my mouth, mentally begging myself not to screw up.
Then I missed the odd word, just letting it flow out of my mouth instead of think about it. My mind began to ease in the slightest. I began missing sentences then and let them come out as they wished. I could feel my voice getting louder and louder as each second passed, and it wasn't long until everything just... went. Austin, my dad, Will, the park, that night. The girl. They didn't exist anymore.
I wasn't shaking now, and the only kind of movement my body made was a relaxed form of swaying. My heart was calmer than ever before, and my hands felt anything but clammy. I didn't know if I sounded shit, alright, good or amazing. I didn't care much either. Everything around me felt so detached, and there was a comforting numbness flowing through my body. It was perfect. There was no other way to describe it. Every muscle in my body relaxed as I sang, and every dark thought in my head was gone. It was like I was with Mum again.
I finished the song.
Then everything came back.



Click here to read STOP AND STARE (CHAPTER 4.1)

Hi Skins! Here I am as promised.

So, I'm glad you put that list up there! It's really helpful. This review is going to be short as I don't really have much new to add. As always, you keep up with that nice writing style and you flesh out the characters. I can tell you know them and are deeply connected to the story that you want to tell. You have better atmosphere in this story that were in the last couple of chapters. Now, I can really get a sense of who these characters are, what they look like, and I can breathe and taste the world that they're in.

I like Charlie in this one, although he doesn't really seem like the character that you built up within the first couple of parts of this story. At first he seemed like the quiet loner who didn't know how to express his problems but now in this one he seems arrogant and cocky, but still likable. Either characterization is fine -- you just need to have some consistency in how you develop his character.

While in the previous chapters your pace was too quick and didn't give us breathing room, I thought the pace here was too slow. You spend ages on the waiting time in the theater, and a lot of it delves into meaningless conversation. It's quite clear from early on that they like each other and that they are going to be together, so the scenes where it seems like they don't like each other just seems to be a bit pointless. While I like that you're trying to develop their relationship, I think a lot of it was already accomplished in the first scene that that they met. It might be powerful to try having them stare at each other and not exchange words.

Um, yeah. I don't know if this just me, but I still I don't understand why he has to audition to get into a school. No where I know does that unless they're trying to get some sort of special band at their school or something. And I just can't buy that he wouldn't have chosen a song beforehand. If he really wants to get in, which it seems like he does, you'd think he ought to be prepared? I also think that it would be pretty hard to keep a secret where he wants to go to school -- that's pretty important to his dad, isn't it? So I would flesh those ideas out a bit more.

Then I had one tiny comment on how this part ends. His thoughts about what happened in the first part seem come out of no where. You're telling us that he was thinking about it all this time, but we haven't gotten a sense of that so we don't really understand. Try to incorporate some more of those thoughts.

As a whole, I do like this chapter a lot! For further stuff, just refer back to my comments on the previous chapters. Good luck with your revisions, and as always, drop me a note for anything. Keep up the awesome work.

~ Elinor

Hey, Unc.

NIPTPICKS first. You know my format. =)

I glanced into the mirror one more time, a bit more pleased now that the colour had returned back into my face.

>> OK, here I think that the article isn't really needed. I mean, if you add the article the you'll have to kind of give us a hint of what color. Gah... did that make sense?

Soon enough, I was out of the boy's toilets.

>> I think you mean boys'? *shrugs*

I hope she wears deodorant, for her bag's sake.

>> So far, this would have been funny, if Ollie said it. But since it was Charlie, it didn't even bring a smile on my face. Umm... harsh, eh? But I was kind of hoping he won't end up like Ollie. I mean, he has to be unique.

Wait. I sit just me... or do their names rhyme? Charlie. Ollie. Awkward.

Trust me to have only thought<?> of that now.

As I opened the doors, the first thing I saw was a face staring at me. Zoey. She kept her eyes glued to me as I wandered in. I couldn't help but grin slightly as I saw her.

>> Here, since he has mentioned that Zoey's face was a bit edging in his memory, how would he have recognized her at once?

This:

Her face was a lot less hazy than what I remembered of her from outside, for obvious reasons. Her hair was a soft blonde colour, and it fell loosely to her waist. She had dark blue eyes, ones that I surprisingly hadn't noticed earlier. There were some honey coloured freckles dotted over her nose that seemed to match some of the darker streaks in her hair. I tilted my head. Her pretty features somehow suited the neutral coloured clothes she was wearing.

...should have been posted a little earlier - probably part of the previous quoted sentence.

"Stalker," I chuckled under my breath.

STALKER!

When she realised that I was watching her, she opened her mouth, but soon closed it again. She was biting down on her lip.

>> I don't think using the present participle here suits what you were trying to say; I think "She then bit down on her lip" would have been better - 'cause, like, she wasn't biting on her lip while opening and closing her mouth, right? Just a petty request. Alter it to past participle.

She jerked her head at me, making her look like some kind of jerking chicken.

>> I don't have any nitpicks here. Instead I want to know what "jerk the head" means? LOL We help each other in learning here, right?

Plus, she'd be someone I slightly knew beforehand if I did somehow did accomplish the impossible and get into this school.

>> Totally redundant.

Ah, so that was what an oversized trumpet was called.

>> Oh, this is so EPIC.

The woman behind the desk who I know knew as Jennifer leaned over and started whispering to Zoey.

>> Um...wait, who's Jenifer? I'm presuming the woman with the weirdly mousy... ??? whut? LOL

"Is he bothering you, Miss. Cardle?"

>> Is there really a period there? Just wondering. Maybe it's the English style; but when I was reading C.S. Lewis, Mr. and Mrs. don't even have periods. Did it change?

"Charlie Black?" a voice from the desk behind us called.

I thought they were until I noticed that three in the front row were occupied, that is.

>> That is what? And oh, c'mon! All men? It's not like it's impossible... it's just. Theh has goht to be a guhl theh...*me English accent*

I could now see that there was a table covered in papers in front of the three seats seats, and every judge seemed to have a glass of water each.

>> 'Nough pointing out.

They were writing something, then the youngest of the men looked up at me.

>> How did he know he was the youngest? That should just be a speculation. And make it clear that it was just a guess. And also why did he suppose that? Did the others have white hair and his still had color? LOL I don't know.

The other two men were looking at me now, then the younger man asked me for my portfolio.

>> There were three, and the youngest, and the younger, whut??

"Go on. Sing," she mouthed.

>> If it were me, I would have made a gesture, and I would probably just have mouth "sing." Never mind that. LOL

I didn't know if I sounded amazing, good, bad, or alright.

>> Here I'd hoped you have put a degree to the words: "...bad, alright, good, or amazing." =D

I'll be back for the overall review.


To be continued...

Hey Skins!

I'm still following this as you have me hooked I haven't commented on the other parts as others have already pointed out the things I would have said and I didn't want to sound repetitive.

I really do like your writing. I love Charlie's humour and Zoey's little quirks. It helps to make them more original as characters.

I agree with Elinor on the pace of the piece and the length of the conversation - her idea of having them stare without words is a good way of cutting down on the size of the conversation without losing the bits that are necessary.

The only thing that confused me was this part -

The sound of Jennifer's raspy voice caught me by surprise as she called out another name.

As far as I'm aware, you don't mention any names being called before this part. And who is Jennifer? The addition of this new character took me by surprise and I had to re-read it to make sense of what was going on. Is Jennifer the lady who had been sat behind the desk when Charlie walked into the lobby - the one who looked like a mouse? If so, I'd add that in somewhere so it's clear to the reader who Jennifer is

Apart from that, I thought this was great. I'm looking forward to seeing how the relationship between Charlie and Zoey grows

Thanks for the read!

xDudettex

Hello Skinsy!

Ok, well, Dudette already mentioned the Jennifer part. I was thoroughly confused. I had to reread and see if it was Zo's point of view, or Dick Lemon's

I have to agree with Elinor about the consistency of Charlie's character. I can get what you're trying to imply, but it just doesn't work: why does she make him forget everything? I mean, she wasn't being particularly witty or funny, then why was he feeling so happy?

Also, you're going to have to reread because half of this is in italics, the other half, not

The only other thing that bothered me, is that he says he doesn't remember her face, then bam! a familiar face is starting back at him. know what I mean?

Other than that, it was a good chapter, thanks for explaining the schooling to us. Can't wait for more to happen!

Tanya

Continued...

May I say it?

I HATE YOU... You made me wait this long for this? You... Freak. Of course I didn't hate it. I just need to know... and I deserve to know. Now answer me!

Did he get in?!



Kididng. Anyway, on to more important things. OK, I'll start with the pacing. Do I really have to repeat for every part that your pacing is perfect. Don't ever change the way you slowly, but not too swiftly, narrate. I just love your pace. That's one thing I think I'll have to disagree with Elinor. Not that I'm against her or anything. But for me, I just think that the pacing is great. This is a novel anyway. Go on... babble about it. As a matter of fact, there were some times where I would like a teeny bit more descriptions. But whatever. Maybe that would make this dull. So yeah... I'm saying don't change it. You're still good with the pacing.

Next thing I'll have to say is... and this time I kind of agree with Elinor and Mama. Not entirely though. I'll explain my thoughts:

You see, I think you were going a bit too far with Charlie's character -- at the first parts. I think you should delete his happy feelings at the first parts, like the girl he winked at. I know, you know Charlie better than any of us; but from what we've picked up from the previous chapters, his character was edging for a potential discrepancy. But! Listen to this: delete the deodorant part, and slowly pull in his his hyper, funny self when he was with Zoey! YEP. I think it would be better if you slowly pull his craziness in, because it would show us a part of him that we've never really read before. I think I'm not making myself clear. Care if I paraphrase? I really like the way Charlie was portrayed when he was with Zoey. You know why? Because I can see his and Zoey's relationship blooming. There was just this something, like he said, that made him "distracted" -- but as a reader, I want it implied: when he was with Zoey. LOL It's just me... I know. But it would be awesome if that was what happened. In short lighten up a bit at first then slowly reveal is Ollie* side.

I'm not being organized this time. Please bear with the flow of my thoughts. OK, I scanned over the previous chapters, including the first one, and I don't really know if Charlie would forget the face of Zoey's sister. It seems like he had it in his head. And the crime... well. Maybe it would have been better if he was like, looking in Zoey's face, trying to remember the resemblance, then he gets attacked with the bad memory, then Zoey goes like, "Hey, are you OK?" 'cause he's all staring... LOL Just a suggestion. Take my suggestions. It might actually help you to come up with something somewhat not contradicting. Am I still making sense?

OK, one last thing before I end this: I just want you to know that I really, really wanna read the next part. Please post it ASAP. Please? I love the way you're hooking your readers here. Honestly, I like this plot more than A Shot of Arrogance (what I liked there though is the characterizations); it's slowly unfolding. And the twist is really good. I'm hooked. Again, I plead to you, post the next part. I can't wait to read about what Zoey has on her mind. And that's where my review ends. I hope I helped -- and made sense... LOL Thanks for posting this.

~ JAsh ♥

~~~~~~
*crazy, insane, weird part of a person ~ from the Jash Dictionary of YWS Slang Words

All right! Finally here to review!

Okay, so first off I just want to say that your story has been excellent so far; I usually don't read stories like this (actually, come to think of it, I rarely read anything outside of fantasy), but this is definitely something that I'd be bringing home to finish! I think the main reasons why are your characters and their development; you just have this brilliant way of getting into the characters' heads and making them feel so real, even if the situation's inaccessible to me as a reader. I love the little quirk of Zoey's that everything's got to be even; OCD much? So overall, great job!

Now, for this chapter:

There were a couple of sentences that stuck out to me as sounding just the tiniest bit...wrong. Nothing major, it just caught the ear in an odd way and I'm thinking a bit of rewording would fix that. For example, this sentence here:

Compared to what the school looked like when I was half walking, half stumbling, when all of my senses were intact, I realised how incredible the place actually was.

Feels like you're missing something here; like you're missing another word or two to clear it up, and since I'm not great at explaining what, I'll just show you a possible sentence reconstruction: "Compared to what the school looked like when I was half-walking, half-stumbling, now, with all of my senses intact, I was able to fully realize how incredible the place actually was." I know I go a little comma-crazy there, but it just has more of a completed sound.

I think it's been mentioned before (I just skimmed through the other reviews), but I'm wondering why he's got to audition to get into a high school. Is this something that happens for you British folk? It's not American Idol, but that's the feeling I get when you describe the audition, and it just seems wrong. That being said, I'd love to know what song he sang; even if he doesn't say the title, just says that it's some random rock song that he listens to, or that is his favorite, something to picture.

I really like the relationship you've started between Charlie and Zoey, it's cute, but a little inconsistent at places. She seems to want to avoid him at times, then is drawn to helping him, then moves a seat away, and then smiles at him as he's auditioning. I find it confusing and I'm a girl; I can only imagine how poor Charlie must feel, but oddly enough he doesn't seem to take much notice or issue with her fluctuating treatment of him. I'd like to see a little more of the usual confusion from the boy with how the girl's acting.

The waiting room scene felt a bit long. Up 'til now your pacing has been great and has just felt right. This scene in the room felt too extended, leaving too much time for the reader to grow bored (I didn't, however). I think you can definitely shave this down and progress the story a little faster.

Charlie's personality has remained fairly steady and it's pretty easy to get into his head and understand completely where the feelings and thoughts are coming from, and I didn't feel like it changed much in this chapter; the whole point of him signing up for this school is so that he can forget about the murder, and this chapter is great with that. He's definitely been distracted, and I'm looking forward to seeing the relationship between him and Zoey progress, and the inevitable moment when their connection comes out. *rubs hands gleefully*

So, that's all I have to say. Please let me know when you post the next chapter, I'm officially hooked! And I joined your page, too, so now you can't kill me. See you around Skinsy, and keep up the great work!

I'm here! Finally! I know you've been holding your breath waiting for me. ^_~

I haven't really been doing nit-picks lately just because I have practically no time (the time I put in to YWS is taken from sleep, I'm afraid) and nit-picks are tedious and time-consuming. I know I could have some fun picking at this, but it's probably better for both of us that I skip that and head on to the overall stuff, yes?

Anyhow, I liked this chapter. As everyone else has been saying, you really do a great job of pulling your readers in and making them addicted. Even though it was rather long, I didn't find it dragging at all and I read the whole thing all the way through without getting distracted or anything (quite a feat, considering it's on the Interwebs!). A few people have complained about the pacing, but I have to (politely!) disagree; I thought the pacing was perfect. All the time waiting around let us get to know your characters better which is a very good thing since your characters are the strongest part of the novel. I'm homeschooled, and American, but you've still managed to give me a very clear picture of what a British (Welsh?) high-school environment would be like, so great job with that! The greatest part of this chapter, I think, is that you're not being at all pretentious. The writing feels very honest--about teenagers by a teenager, you know? I like that a lot since the writing comes across as really genuine.

That said, I'd like to talk about... Charlie! Not because Valentine's Day is the day after tomorrow, but because I actually have a few things to say to his creator. ^_~ You know how you were telling me that you are thinking of changing his character and making him more cheerful/lighthearted throughout? Well, since it seems like you're doing that, you might want to put a note about it in your spoiler because a lot of people seem to be noticing. Just a thought. It would be hard to change it, though, because even a cheerful person would be pretty depressed if they witnessed a stabbing, I think. But I have faith in you (and Charlie!) to handle that.

But I've got another thing I'd like to discuss about him: his moods. This might just be because he's nervous, and he's been hit in the head pretty hard, but his moods are all over the place in this chapter. One moment he's cocky, another moment he's terrified, another moment he's embarrassed... so on. I'm not sure if this is intentional on your part or not. It just feels a little odd. What I'm impressed by, though, is how real you made each of the emotions feel. Even though he's switching between terror and ease and sarcasm and cockiness and a bunch of other things, none of them feel false or put-on, which makes me think you probably wanted him to have mood swings like that. I guess right now I'm just a little bit confused because you've been tweaking his character and I feel like I should know him a little better than I actually do. Don't get me wrong, I'm still looking forward to having him as my Valentine, but I'm just not exactly sure what to expect from him and I feel like at this point in the novel I should know him better. I should know, for example, if he's usually this moody or if it's just because of his nerves. In the past chapters, he's always had pretty much the same slightly-depressed-but-nonetheless-snarky voice throughout, but suddenly it's different--he's jumping all over the place. Is it because he's nervous about his audition? Is it because he really just wants to forget about the stabbing? Is it because he's so interested (for lack of a better word...) in Zoey? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure you're sure either. ^_~

Also, another thing I noticed is that the actual writing style has changed a lot. It sounded much more colloquial and teenish (which is definitely a word, by the way) than the other chapters. Previously, you've been a little more literary, a little more flowery... but now it feels much more conversational. For example, here's this from part one:

The wind wrapped itself around me, and it bit at my bare arms as I dragged my feet up the garden path. The raindrops splashed against my skin which sent chills through my body. It felt as though the terraced houses beside me were towering over me, and the more I walked, the bigger their shadows became.

And this is from this part:

The clean, white hallways seemed to hint at a hospital, which was a little weird, but except for that, everything looked pretty awesome.

Of course, those are just tiny examples, but do you see what I mean? Doesn't the second one sound a lot more like the kind of thing you'd read on some teenager's blog, and the first one a lot more like something you'd read in a book? Now, I'm not trying to be judgmental--it's not that either one is better than the other, I just want to point it out to you. I think it really goes along with your whole effort to redesign Charlie... but I'm not sure you're aware of it or not, so I thought I'd point it out.

Also, can I just mention what an interesting experience it was to go sifting through the first and second chapters of this just now, looking for a suitable passage for that example? Honestly, I'm not sure if you do this or not, but I suggest going back and rereading. I realized that I had a lot of ideas about how the beginning was that were based just on my memories and reading it again, it was a little different... and interesting experience to be sure.

Anyhow, there's one more thing I'd like to ramble about, if you'll bear with me a bit longer. >.> It's the fact that both characters feel a lot younger here. It might just be because the setting is a lot less mature/dark, but I think it also has to do with the way it's written. I feel like in this chapter Zoey and Charlie might as well be, like, eleven- or twelve-year-olds. I'm sorry if that's insulting to you, but they feel a lot less mature now. I think it's because the romance is making it "cute," and when I look back on the previous chapters, "cute" would probably be the last adjective I'd come up with for describing them. It's not that they feel plastic, or cartoon-ish... they just feel a lot less mature than they used to--their thoughts are a lot less complicated. Of course, I can't really talk for Zoey because I wasn't inside her head, but from what I can see of her, she seems younger too. For some reason, when you mentioned her smiling to him while he's singing, I pictured her as a little girl with pigtails. >.<

Oh, and that brings me to my last point (I promise I'll stop after this) which is the singing. I know I've just ranted/rambled a lot about mood changes, but this one was a doozy. I mean, one second he's frozen to the spot, the next second he's singing his heart out without a worry in the world? This was the one place where the mood change felt superficial and forced. I think it would be more effective if you eased him into it. Had him still be nervous when he starts singing, but loosen up and lose himself as he gets involved in the song? Just a thought.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you now. I've rambled long enough, I think. All in all I like what I see! It's just a bit different from what I expected. ^_~

As always, if you've got questions please feel free to PM me or write on my wall. Yeah, go ahead and PM me, actually. I've had enough yellow heads on my wall to last me a lifetime, I think...

a

Hey Skins,

I decided I might as well kill some time writing you a review.

I'm going to focus this on the two most recent Charlie chapters. The ones I haven't reviewed yet. After we have another Zoey chapter or two, I might get around to reviewing those. I like reviewing in large chunks if you haven't yet noticed.

Firstly, you're spooking me out. Charlie in chapter seven is a different Charlie to the Charlie in the rest of the book. In fact, what makes it so spooky is certain elements of Charlie's personality remind me of myself. Heck, I even introduce myself to strangers by the name “John Smith” just for the fun of it. Also, while I'm on that point, I might as well let you know that there is little chance that Zoey would have responded as such. She would have merely taken his name as Dick without thinking about it. At least that would have been the immediate response. People assign value to face, accepting name. Unless they have reason to distrust. Believe it or not, every person I've introduced myself to as John Smith has accepted the name without question.

What I really want to talk about is plots, subplots, tension, relationships, and character stories.

Now, as many people around know, I dislike Twilight intensely. The reason for this has less to do with its mediocrity, Meyer's Mary-Sue tendency and her poor first person narration. I dislike Stephanie Meyer's writing because she is a great killer of tension. She makes life too easy on her characters, and I couldn't care what happens to them because when there is stake, it's not high enough. Where the stake is high, she removes the obstacle as quickly as possible. She takes the

I don't know whether you've read Twilight. I stopped three chapters in. I'm going to show you what I mean by taking examples of the first three chapters. Bella goes to live with her father. Her father buys her a car. She expects to not like the car. A paragraph later, Meyer makes her like the car. Her expectation of the worst is immediately assuaged. Then she goes to a new school where she expects to fit in horribly. Instead she fits in. I cannot take a story that makes life easy on the narrator seriously.

She takes her narrator and helps her escape from problems rather than face them.

Now, I can talk about your story. You have a serious stake available to use. Charlie might get arrested or if not arrested he might be found to be a coward. Imagine taking the tension Charlie must feel, and sidelining it. You may not realize it, but you do just that. By allowing Charlie to escape his fears in music you take his problems and make them far more trivial.

You further create a subplot that is more focal than the main plot. Going to a new school with no goal in mind and fitting in is in no way connected to your main story. You're trading gold for plastic. What you should be focusing on is a guilt that makes him want to repent, and him finding a way to redeem himself. Instead, you focus on helping him run away from his problems.

This kills most of the epicness.

You still have interesting story. You still have certain tension. Problem is, you should have way more
interesting a story.

That is the goal of defining and prioritizing correctly with regard to your plots and subplots to maximize tension. Now, I have little problem with your allowing Charlie to befriend Zoey. This sets up for great tension when they work out their connection. I'd suggest letting the friendship and relationship happen. At least to begin with, though, the relationship should be based on trying to escape from woes. The focus needs to be in the right place.

Your character story of maturation needs to grow gradually and Charlie must struggle with guilt, and learn to cope with it when there's no hiding. For it to be truly epic, music and Zoey must be attempts at distractions that never quite work because he's got his conscience weighing him down. Only after his repentance can he clear his conscience. The theme of the story is repentance. The sub-themes are perhaps love, and achieving dreams. Use the emotion, and all of these themes will be maximized. Take the easy way out and all will be compromised.

That's all I have to say. Oh, and by the way, this was my favorite chapter.

Keep well!
Yoda

Hey Skinsy-robot! So, here I am--a bit late, but be grateful that I came! lololo, just kidding.

Part Six:
I didn't have much problem with this like always, but there are two three loopholes I'd like to mention. First of all, I really think that what you portray Charlie in his POV is totally different from what I could picture him from Zoey's. Mostly in his POV he seems like a timid, shy boy and the one who really frets about everything, right? He's supposed to be that person under constant worry, if I am not wrong. But from how Zoey explained him to us, he seemed like some giant abuser who couldn't speak a single sentence without swearing. It's not that he used to not swear before, but honestly, there was always a need, but right now he typically seems like some kid from ghetto who can't get rid of his swear words. Also, he seemed to show that he was too cool about all this. I know he just wanted to go inside and didn't want to create a scene, but still the way he joked and talked here literally made me think that I was reading about Ollie dear from ASOA. So, you might want to check it out.

Also, my other opinion would be that even though the gate was having security and the special system of opening the gate,I still felt that if Charlie Black could climb the wall, then trespassers who are really into this stuff can really make their way through. And if people in the management are here so they must be having brains and and then they must be knowing that it's possible. So overall, my point is that they should have placed some security guard just to keep a check, and also if it's the main gate then the security is a must. But now the other problem is that if you have a security guard placed there, then maybe Zoey and Charls won't be able to meet in a way they did. So, maybe showing that the guard had gone to fetch something or somebody had called him could pretty well explain the problem. It's just to make this realistic and it really bothered me that there was nobody concerned with security anywhere around the gate. But that just might be how the things work out where it's situated in.

Part Seven:
I really didn't have much of problem with this one, and the mention of his dad assured me that after drinking he didn't fell into some manhole. So Goodness thanks for that.

I turned the silver tap on and let the water fall onto my bloodstained hand.

Alright, so my problem with this one would have to be that I think all over the world, mostly people have silver taps, so specially telling that again won't make them golden and I really think that more than the tap we have to concentrate on his hand. the bloodstained hand. It's weird--coming from me--the Queen of Over-Descriptions.

My other problem which is same as the one I had mentioned about in the other review would surely have to be that right now he seemed so fun. Like that Dick Lemon thing he did completely made me think whether or not we were reading about the same Charlie who had been so depressed about some murder since the morning which he didn't even commit. So, sudden transformation surely felt a bit weird and unrealistic. I get that you want to show him to change completely when he is in Zoey's company, but for God's grace no one feels so relaxed in somebody who you've just met's company. So maybe later in time or after their this meeting you should show how he feels comparatively better with her. When I am in a bad mood like this, then nothing can change my mood this much. Not saying that Charlie should be a grumpy fellow like me, but I'd like you to check on that point.

Overall, can somebody really suggest you something? No! You're such a brilliant writer, and every time I read your story, I am like 'Shubs, quit writing. With writers like her strolling around, you don't have any chance." But you've really inspired me, and I've improved a lot through your review, so thanks for that.

Let me know if this was helpful!

~Shubhi