Young Writers Society

So...

I had a good day


FOR YOU, I'LL SPEAK FRENCH

'Meet me under the clock tower at one'
she said, and we laughed because we're poets,
drunk on a success that seals up the lips:
stoppered together, drinking of life's lees,
a bottle brim-full of cliche and pinot.

I'm no Girardot, but as I wait,
trenchcoat-clad and dusted with the clouds,
the mind makes Arcs for us to shelter in:
a man can sit on old stone steps a while,
and shape a Notre Dame from every brick.

Our time-starved sun reflects your haloed eyes,
darkling with the angel-painted mist;
I take you in your lover's arms and say,
"Ce n'est pas Paris, mon amour de dame":
there's no telling where rainclouds will stop.

why do you post poetry if you know that all your going to get is praise?
it's not fair. i'd pout, but i'd have nothing to complain about, really.
so i won't praise you. i'll be a stubborn child and just...read the poem...over and over and over again.

Very nice. Has a Pablo Neruda feel to it, only...English...and French. My favorite line?

"we laughed because we're poets"

Love it and I don't know why.

You should be proud. I don't write good poetry and I don't critique it because I don't know how to write it, and so I only post reviews of poems I like. So...congrats and good work.

-Sarah

xanthan gum wrote:why do you post poetry if you know that all your going to get is praise?
it's not fair. i'd pout, but i'd have nothing to complain about, really.
so i won't praise you. i'll be a stubborn child and just...read the poem...over and over and over again.

*waits for an answer*
I liked this, it was pretty, very nice job bob.

Yeah, that's just... beautiful.
Does the french line mean something like "this is not Paris, my love"? Heh, I don't speak french. But it's very pretty.

I liked the middle stanza best.
the mind makes Arcs for us to shelter in:
a man can sit on old stone steps a while,
and shape a Notre Dame from every brick.
Amazing. The old man image is wonderful. And 'arcs' is a loverly word.

But the whole thing, was great.

I read this the first time because I love French.
I read this the second time because I love this poem.

Seriously, this is so wonderful... It brought tears to my eyes because it made me miss my boyfriend so much, lol. Your imagery is excellent, as is your choice of words. Excellent.

Bob,
this piece is excellent. Amazing, even. The way you write your poems leaves me breathless each time I read something you write, I'm jealous. Im wish I could find SOMETHING. ANYTHING. to actually critique on your part, so as to not feel as if Im just reading and saying "good job" and whatnot, but honestly, I cannot find fault with this poem. Excellent job. Again, I am jealous.

Good job yet again,
Dan

Please have more good days - they seem to make you more inspired.

For me it was the pre-modifying hypenated adjectives that did it for me - "trenchcoat-clad", "time-starved", "angel-painted." Wonderful.

Thanks for the encouragement, guys: something Incandescence said, about finding and dealing with your poetic voice kind of hit a nerve, a little while back - I guess this was something like my attempt at figuring out what I liked about and what I'd change about my own writing voice. I'll decide later how much I like the results

Anyway, thanks again.

My turn to echo all the praise.

This poem was great... Like I just said in a crit of something else a few minutes ago, I love it when poetry flows effortlessly, when the images come to life and you can't help but see exactly what's happening. It was just... wow... I loved "time-starved sun" and "bottle brim-full of cliche and pinot."

Great work.

simply beautiful

Well, this a few months behind the rest of the praise, but I thought I'd share a few thoughts:

'Meet me under the clock tower at one'
she said, and we laughed because we're poets,
drunk on a success that seals up the lips:
stoppered together, drinking of life's lees,
a bottle brim-full of cliche and pinot.

I find the last two lines of this stanza slightly confusing. If your lips are sealed, how are you "drinking life's lees"? Perhaps a few clarifying verbs? Here's my suggestion: "stoppered together, after drinking life's lees,/ from a bottle brim-full of cliche and pinot."

In the second stanza, do you mean Arcs as in L'Arc de Triomphe?

"Ce n'est pas Paris, mon amour de dame"

Um... I'm not sure about this French. "Dame" doesn't mean woman, it means injury. Is this what you meant?

Overall, a beautiful poem. Thanks for unburying it for me to crit. I greatly enjoyed it. Thank you.
Happy revising!

I find the last two lines of this stanza slightly confusing. If your lips are sealed, how are you "drinking life's lees"? Perhaps a few clarifying verbs? Here's my suggestion: "stoppered together, after drinking life's lees,/ from a bottle brim-full of cliche and pinot."

Well, that's kind of the point, really - the shared imagery of kissing and drinking wine; the two share a lot in common, really If I just used one image at a time, dot-dot-dot, then it would be pretty boring. Poetry is all about making those connections. I'm not drinking a bottle of wine and then kissing someone, I'm identifying the act of kissing somebody I love with drinking that heady, intoxicating wine, and so with getting the very most out of life - when Ulysses in Tennyson's famous poem says "I will drink/
Life to the lees", he doesn't mean literally drinking a bottle of wine, but getting the absolute most out of life.

As for Arcs, yes; when you think 'French' and 'Arc', I hope that's what comes to mind.

The French, ah... it has always amused me how internet translation tools screw up the grammar. "Dame" literally translated means "lady", in the same way that 'Notre Dame de Paris' (often know as just 'Notre Dame), the Cathedral in Paris does not mean "our injury", but "our lady". For some obscure reason, certain internet sites like to translate it has "injury."
Anyway: the point is that a literal translation is "it's not Paris, my lady of love", but the fact that the end could translate as "my love of injury" has not escaped me: I kind of like the added dimension it adds love as self-harm is a concept I've had brewing in my head for a long time.

So, yeah, hope that answers a few for you; thanks for your input.

*hyperventilating* This is a flipping good piece of work.... if I could write like this... well, you know!
Ok my favourite bit was when you said "because we're poets" it just struck a cord with me and it really gripped my attention.
I am amazed, I actually have no problems with any of it I'm so happy I decided to read it in my lunch break... it made me start thinking.... of the one I love actually
love it!!!!!!!

Gros bisious

lanara xxxxxxxx

Bob, I'm dead impressed. This was simply... gorgeous. Beautiful. Amazing? Touching.

Be pround, sir, be very proud of this. ^_~ I have no bad remarks or even constructive criticism for you. My favorite stanza is the first, but the entire piece is just... wow...



~Dreamy