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Disenchanting



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Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:50 am
MagnusBane says...



This is the first chapter of my NaNoWriMo novel. :D

Even if the old wall hadn’t served as a very clear boundary line, I would have known the instant I stepped out of range of the estate’s protective enchantments. The air pressure lightened slightly and the bittersweet aftertaste of magic, only detectable in its absence, was gone.

I turned and carefully shut the rusting gate behind me, double-checking that the latch was secure. After a second I stepped back, satisfied, and glanced up at my house. All of the windows were lit, as usual, but I knew the old mansion was empty. It was funny how normal it looked from this angle, barely visible under the light of the moon. A lone jogger or dog walker going along the distant road would have dismissed the faded yellow paint or the colorful flowerbeds as nothing out of the ordinary. It was only on closer inspection – much closer than most people would ever get – that a visitor could see that the weather vane was shaped like a dragon or spot the bright lights darting around the flowerbed.

Seis shifted uneasily from his perch on top of the crumbling wall. “This is a really, really bad idea,” he said for the thousandth time that night.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. This was just getting pathetic. Seis had always been overly anxious for a gargoyle, but tonight he seemed even more on edge. As I watched, he rubbed his paws together anxiously to make a harsh, grating sound.

“I’m just going to get the stupid plant and come right back,” I said, reaching out to check the gate latch again. Satisfied, I switched on the flashlight I had stolen from my dad's workshop and started to walk away.

“You’re going to get caught!” Seis called after me. I ignored him, concentrating on finding the old trail.

The woods had almost grown up to the wall. I walked past the path twice before I finally found it, almost invisible under a tangle of prickly plants. I could only hope that they weren’t poisonous.

“Back in ten minutes!” I yelled to Seis, gingerly stepping over the plants. The gargoyle, just a small, hunched shape on top of the wall, didn’t reply.

“Fleabane, fleabane, fleabane…” I muttered under my breath. I swept the flashlight beam along the base of the nearest tree. Nothing but some ugly, scraggly ferns and a shattered beer bottle.

I squinted back down at the website I had pulled up on my phone. French Fungus Revenge was written across the top of the page. The key ingredient, a white and yellow flower, was pictured below that. It didn’t look like the kind of plant that you would use to curse your jackass ex boyfriend, but who knew?

I took a few more steps down the path, ripping up random handfuls of foliage. “Fern… leaves…” I said, holding the plants up to the light. “Ugh, poison ivy!” Swearing, I flung it deeper into the woods and scrubbed the palm of my hand against my jeans.

A dog barked somewhere in the distance. Nervously, I glanced over my shoulder. The shadows had swallowed up the wall, but the lights from the house were just barely visible through the trees. Mom and Dad were supposed to be out late at a meeting with their Head of Security, but if they came back early and caught me on the other side of the wall…

I headed farther along the path, a new urgency in my steps. The flashlight beam darted around erratically, illuminating fallen trees and glinting off more broken glass. It was obvious that my parents hadn’t bothered to upkeep any of this in the years I’d been gone. The winding trail was overgrown and choked with weeds, and I hadn’t seen a single familiar landmark yet. Of course, the fact that it was two in the morning and pitch black beneath the trees might have something to do with that, but shouldn’t I have at least passed the old Climbing Tree by now? And had the woods always been so eerily quiet?

My phone suddenly vibrated in my hand. Somehow, I managed to simultaneously jump out of my skin and drop the phone. Swearing, I bent and snatched it out of another patch of poison ivy.

A new text message had popped up on the screen. I recognized the poor grammar immediately. Only one moron could manage to misspell the word “hey.”

“Hay Cassie do i dazzle u? - Nick.”

I shoved the phone into my pocket, disgusted. Did he really think quoting Twilight of all things was going to win me back? Yeah, like that was going to happen. God knew he was no Edward Cullen.

I kicked a rock out of my way, scanning the ground again. Where the hell was this damn flower? All I wanted to do was find it, rip off some petals, make my revenge potion, and go to bed. Preferably before Seis heard a deer snort and had a panic attack.

I paused to look at another plant. Nope, no fleabane. I really hoped this spell worked. I could just see Nick with mushrooms sprouting of his nose and orange mold growing in his hair. I bet skanky Nancy Lewis wouldn’t want to kiss him then. She would probably –

A branch snapped somewhere behind me. The sound echoed through the still summer air like a gunshot. A chill cascaded down my spine. I stopped walking, my heart pounding.

“Seis?” I hissed, angry that I was so easily frightened. “I told you to stay at the wall!” I turned around, half expecting to see the cat sized gargoyle standing behind me.
The path was empty.

Ooo-kay then, I thought uneasily. I brushed a loose strand of hair out of my eyes, peering through the trees. The lights from the house had faded a while ago. I couldn’t even see the moon, thanks to the thick canopy overhead. No reason to be concerned…It was probably just a deer.

I started walking again, carefully weaving between a few skeletal saplings that had grown in the middle of the path. One of their branches snagged on my T-shirt, and I had to fight to keep myself from panicking as I freed myself. Why did I suddenly feel like the stupid chick in the horror movie? I had absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I was a witch. I could jinx Michael Meyer’s socks off if I wanted to.

Another branch broke, off to my right this time.

“Shit, shit, shit,” I muttered, waving the flashlight around frantically, desperately looking for anything resembling a white flower. How long had I been walking now? There had to be some fleabane around here somewhere.

The path twisted sharply, following the edge of a large pond. The still water looked like ink in the beam of the flashlight. A clump of flowers was growing a few feet away from the path, but they were blue, not white. Freaking fantastic.

I forced myself to stop and pull out my cell phone. There was no reception, of course. This little adventure was just getting better and better. I jammed the phone back into my pocket, ticked, and moved closer to the flower patch. Maybe there was some fleabane mixed in with the blue flowers?

I knelt next to the flowers and ran my fingers over the silky petals. Nope, no fleabane, but these looked like the plants my mom used to make lie detecting spells. I wondered if I should take some back to the house for her, then discarded the idea. She’d know right away that I’d broken her rule and gone out into the woods.

I stood up again. As I brushed leaves off of my jeans, I suddenly caught a flicker of motion out of the corner out of my eye. I froze, a rush of fear making me lightheaded. I was no wildlife expert, but I was pretty sure that deer didn’t stalk people. And – my heart was pounding a jagged rhythm in my chest – I had just picked up on the familiar old smell of sulfur. I had inhaled that nasty smell hundreds of times before out on patrols with my parents. There was something out here with me, and it sure as hell wasn’t my friendly family gargoyle.

My mother’s voice rose, unbidden, in my mind. “They say that there are little tears between our world and Hell. Places that the Darktown creatures can slip through to wreak havoc on our world. Maybe there are, or maybe that’s just a legend. Maybe Hell is just a myth to explain how God can let goblins and wraiths and demons wander the earth alongside us. But you know what I think?” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I don’t think it matters. I think we’re screwed anyways. For every Darktown monster we kill, for every little girl we save from a demon or every protection spell we make, it will never be enough. Night will always fall again, and the Darktowners will come back out to play.”

I ran through a mental catalog of creatures that smelled like sulfur and stalked teenage girls in the woods. Okay, now was definitely the time to be concerned. I had left the silver knife my father had given me for my last birthday on the kitchen table, and all I had in my pockets was my phone and my car keys. For some reason I didn’t think a savage goblin was going to be intimidated by my horse key chain.

I spun and headed back up the path, fighting to keep my pace at a casual walk. Darktowners weren’t always looking to kill someone. Some of the smaller ones just liked to cause mischief. If I didn’t show fear, whatever it was might not bother me… right?

I clambered over a fallen tree, scraping up my palms. Great, now they were itchy, sweaty, and bleeding. I didn’t even care anymore, though. All I wanted to do was get back into the safety of the wall, and back under the protective enchantments that had guarded the house for centuries. Seis would be still waiting for me, hopefully.

The path suddenly forked. I stopped, bewildered, and stared at the two identical dirt tracks. Each snaked away into the darkness. I didn’t remember the trail splitting before. And why the hell did all of these trees look the same?

Something stirred in the foliage nearby. Panicked, I headed down the right path, desperately praying that I would end up back at the house. I silently swore to put up signs if I could ever work up the nerve to go back in the woods again.

A breeze had whipped up, carrying the musty, acrid smell of sulfur like a sickly perfume. The smell was almost overwhelming now. I covered my nose with my hand and put on a burst of speed, looking frantically for the lights from the house. How much longer could this stupid path be?

A root snagged my foot. I went down, hard, and landed face down in a pile of last autumn’s leaves. The flashlight spun away. I heard a loud crack as it hit a tree. The light flickered and went out, plunging the woods into darkness.
“Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Anton Chekhov
  





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Wed Feb 02, 2011 5:22 am
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Magnus!

I was going to say that I'm here for a review...but there's honestly not much for me to review. You've managed to pull me in instantly (no easy feat, that!) and maintain my interest throughout the entire piece. Now I'm itching to know just what's going to happen next. I am already in love with this story; the gargoyle Seis is a unique and entertaining touch, and you've mixed enough humor, magic, and suspense in such a short amount of time. I honestly wish I could be of more use, but there's nothing I can think of! Great job!

Please, please PM me when you post more; I can't keep on top of all the new chapters posted unless I'm notified! Keep up the great work. :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Wed Feb 02, 2011 5:51 am
GryphonFledgling says...



I love your character's attitude. Sassy, but not too much so that it becomes annoying. A very nice balance.

I liked the way you sort of eased into it all. We get a hint that this character has magical background, but you don't feel the need to hit us over the head with it. She's an ordinary girl with ordinary cares who just happens to be a witch. I also liked how you just sort of treated things almost as a given, rather than infodumping on us. Sort of going with the flow and mentioning things as the character would think about them gives the entire world that much more realism. Very nice.

I was a little confused about where exactly she is not allowed to go. Is the wall surrounding her house or does it just separate her house from the woods? I mean, I assume that she is allowed out of the house, seeing as how she got herself a boyfriend and everything, but it almost sounds like she's not allowed out from behind the wall at all. Maybe make the delineation just a little clearer?

My mother’s voice rose, unbidden, in my mind.

Maybe put the mother's voice in italics, seeing as how it's more of a memory than something actually being said right then and there? Just a style suggestion, so you can do as you wish here, methinks.

All in all, I really liked this. I loved the tone of the piece and I'm really curious to see where it goes.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Wed Feb 02, 2011 1:34 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Wow!

Well, I saw your name and wanted to review immediately. You've done awesome reviews for both my sister and I, I figured I'd return the favour. But...there's nothing to comment on.

I absolutely loved this! It's different and funny. I laughed out loud when she said she could jinx the socks off Michael Meyers. Like Gryphon said, it was great how you trinkled in the info, without making it an info dump.

You pulled me in, and spit me back out in the end. Crapola, I want more!

Haha, sorry this wasn't oo productive, but pleased pm me when you have more?

Tanya
  





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Wed Feb 02, 2011 4:47 pm
ultraviolet says...



Hey! Like the other's said, this pulled me in without my really even noticing. If you knew me you'd know that was no small feat, but you did it.

But still, like everything, this can be improved, and I have a few things I want to point out.

“Hay Cassie do i dazzle u? - Nick.”

I shoved the phone into my pocket, disgusted. Did he really think quoting Twilight of all things was going to win me back? Yeah, like that was going to happen. God knew he was no Edward Cullen.


As a general rule, don't mention pop culture unless you're talking about how it's dated. Not because it's bad, per se, but because it puts a time stamp on your work. Obviously this was written around this time period, simply because in ten or fifteen years, Twilight is going to become old news. Teens won't stay in love with sparkly vampires forever. Think of all the things your parents watched/listened to/read. Do you hear about them all the time? Do you even recognize the names? For most things, no, which means that in a generation or so, your target audience will be either clueless or less than very knowledgeable about this.

There is an exception to this rule - two, actually. One is if you really are talking about something old and you recognize in your writing that it is out dated. The other is if you're specifically trying to create a world in a certain time period (like The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold is set in the 70s and has a lot of aspects about that). But the way you're using it now, where it's in the peak of its popularity, it's going to get old. (Sorry for rambling. I tend to do that.)

“Seis?” I hissed, angry that I was so easily frightened. “I told you to stay at the wall!” I turned around, half expecting to see the cat sized gargoyle standing behind me.


This could just be my perception, but if Seis is so anxious and on edge all the time, is he really going to leave his post and come find her? Sure, he might have a reason, but it doesn't seem like the first scenario that might pop into her mind. It seems out of character. Still, it's your story with your characters so you know them better. But maybe add in a short explanation of why she thought Seis was following after her?

Okay, so after that I don't really have anything point-out worthy. This was really good. Sorry about my ramblingness. If you want another critique, PM me or post in my WRFF thread (link in signature).

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
  





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Thu Feb 03, 2011 8:45 pm
Matthews says...



This was great! I absolutely LOVED your style of writing! You did everything beautifully, introducing everything wonderfully, not confusing, not a info dump. It's great! Def. PM me when the next chapter is out! :D
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
  





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Sat Feb 05, 2011 1:53 am
paperhearts says...



I loved this so much! It keep me wanting more at the end! I really enjoyed your writing style. I felt like I was Cassie walking around in that old mansion.



“Hay Cassie do i dazzle u? - Nick.


I laughed very hard at this part. I love when authors add in quotes from movies or tv shows.

Keep up the good work!
  





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Sat Feb 05, 2011 3:08 am
Elinor says...



Magnus! :D

It's been too long. You should definitely spend more time on the site, okay?

Thanks so much for requesting this -- I had great fun reading it. You have a great sense of suspense and you really seem to know your characters well. This can also be very funny at times -- this could be different for others, but I've found that something as simple as humor is a nice, rare treat when comes to reading short stories and novels. That being said, there are a lot of things that I wonder about when it comes to this story. It starts off quite nicely, and I like how you plainly introduce the fact that the narrator's companion is a gargoyle -- it starts of the fantasy elements of this in a seemingly realistic way, but on the flip side of that, it makes everything a bit confusing.

From the way you so plainly introduce the fantasy elements, I had started to think that this was some medieval fantasy set in a fictional world, but then bit by bit you make it clear that this takes place in modern times. I don't know if I'm the only one who thought that way or not, but the way everything is introduced makes it hard to follow and understand, and it somewhat takes away from the flow of the story. I would have some more description at the beginning that makes it clear this is still a fantasy, but taking place in modern times.

Your style is probably my favorite thing thus far in the piece; your main character seems living, breathing, and can be very funny, as I said earlier on. However, I think it would be able to come across a lot stronger if you worked on your description and detail. There's very little of it in this piece, and it makes the story somewhat hard to follow.

You have a girl curious about venturing into an unknown place with a Gargoyle as her ally. It's simple, but it doesn't entice me the way I feel like it should. I want to know more about her and what her motives are. I want to know more about Nick. I want to know about her gargoyle friend and how she is connected with these types of magic; you don't explain it and it seems out of place.

Those are the comments I had; if you need me to go more in depth, feel free to PM me! I enjoyed this a lot -- good luck editing and please let me know when you put up future installments.

~ Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





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Mon Feb 21, 2011 6:58 pm
JK says...



So I'm far too lazy to read everybody else's replies on this, so if I repeat something, forgive me.

I'll get right into it.
As I watched, he rubbed his paws together anxiously to make a harsh, grating sound.

"to make a harsh, grating sound" is a little awkward. It sounds like the gargoyle wants to make the sound, rather than the sound coming as a side effect.
Satisfied, I switched on the flashlight I had stolen from my dad's workshop and started to walk away.

Watch how much you say "satisfied".
Nothing but some ugly, scraggly ferns and a shattered beer bottle.

Scraggly: New favorite word.
Of course, the fact that it was two in the morning and pitch black beneath the trees might have something to do with that

Have is present tense, you might want to change that to "have had".
Did he really think quoting Twilight of all things was going to win me back? Yeah, like that was going to happen. God knew he was no Edward Cullen.

I find your allusion to be highly offensive.
I paused to look at another plant. Nope, no fleabane. I really hoped this spell worked. I could just see Nick with mushrooms sprouting of his nose and orange mold growing in his hair.

The change in subjects is a tad abrupt. Maybe you should have another sentence as a segue, or else you could just cut the first two sentences.

Now, as I'm sure you've noticed, these were all minor problems, and I'm now convinced that the rest of this can't be quite as horrible as you say it was. This was pretty sweet. So much for ripping it to pieces. Although, "Darktown" sounds awfully familiar, doesn't it? Oh, and by the way, your concept was really cool!
Peace out.
-JK
The doorway has been opened.
Stab.
  





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Mon Feb 21, 2011 10:31 pm
sylverdawn says...



Brilliant, you start off with just the right amount of suspense. When people write these kinds of scenes the character often comes off as stupid, she doesn't just pissed off. I'm a little confused on whether or not this is modern earth or somewhere/somewhen else.

You should probably give more of an explanation about witches and darktowners. This chapter leaves readers with many unanswered questions. Still it's only the beginning of the story, you're just starting to build the world for the readers, so that's natural. You could also throw in a little more about what ever is stalking her, maybe have her hear eerie howling or someting.

I love how you started this story and would definetly like to read more. Please PM me when you post the next piece.
DANCE- Like no-one is watching
LOVE- Like you've never been hurt
SING- Like no-one is listening
LIVE- Like it's heaven on earth.

Please read and review my novel. The title is Fireborn. Here's the link.

novel.php?id=1157
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 1:50 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Magnus, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I would have known the instant I stepped out of range of the estate’s protective enchantments.


The conditional tense here kind of suggests that she's not actually doing it.
Ooo-kay then,


I'd italicise this.
I think we’re screwed anyways. For every Darktown monster we kill, for every little girl we save from a demon or every protection spell we make, it will never be enough.


Okay, the "fors" here and then the "it will never be enough" don't run well together. Reshuffle!

II. OVERALL

I seriously enjoyed this! Best thing I've read so far this review day. It's a strong opening, you get settled on your voice and your character straight away. Which is fantastic. The only thing I'd want to say is that when you introduce a detail, be sure to fill it out. Like Nick- why is she trying to exact her revenge on him? How long were they together? You don't have to tell us everything, but definitely give us some indication that he's a real person rather than just a plot point. The same goes for her parents. As for Seis, I love the idea of a gargoyle, but I'd love to see a bit more of their relationship- are they friends or is it a sort of Ariel/Sebastian thing? Just make sure you follow through on stuff. That said, I'm off to Chapter Two!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Fri Mar 25, 2011 11:16 am
XxjustmeXx says...



Awesome story, I really liked it! You've managed to keep attention for the entire chapter wich may not sound like much, but for me that almost impossible most of the time. I like the characters, and their attitudes very much. The plots interesting and different from a lot of the other witch and magic books I've read. Keep up the good work <3
  








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