Chrysalis

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I know I should tell this story from the beginning, but knowing exactly where to start is like beginning to decipher the threads of time, as this has been waiting to happen since the creation of the worlds-all 155 of them all. So I shall start with the story of one child…young, Dana White. Daughter of Michael and Gloria White, owners of The Purple Lotus tea shop, deep in the heart of modern day china.

The rooms are all a pale sickly green colour, the chairs are worn out, and the tables are about to give away, but this tea shop had housed several people, by the appearance of things…men. For there was something knowledgeable in the shop, but it’s knowledge was also dark and sinister, something profoundly unlike it’s plain and pitiable surface.

‘Do I really have to?’ Dana whined, fighting off her determined mother, and the purple robes she held.

‘Yes. If you won’t do it for me, think of your father.’ She sighed, slumping her shoulder down, and fighting back tears. She would have to entertain them again, the men who frequently ventured the shop. Their eyes would roam her young body, smiling toothlessly as she danced around and smiled, and tittered. Like a brainless fool, at only eight years of age, Dana White was smart enough to what she was capable of, and she knew being a host was not one of them, but she did it anyway. She did not love her family, she simply knew and understood the odds. A eight year old would not survive a day in China, but in the hands of these ignorant dogs that called themselves her parents…she, Dana would live to see another day.

‘I’ll do it.’ She said. Her mother jumped for joy, and she placed her fingers on the child’s face, admiring her spectacular beauty. Her black hair contrasted against her pale skin, creating such cruel beauty and her watery-grey eyes balanced out her cruel face, making her seem wiser than her years. Dana wasn‘t beautiful, oh no…she was interesting. She simply drew people to her, it was no wonder she was such a favourite with all the old men who simply watched, but made no move to touch her.

Dana put on her make-up, pushing her mothers hands away as she dressed herself in proper attire. She was the ‘Shrinking Violet’ a main attraction in The Purple Lotus, she smiled grimly at herself and nodded to her reflection in the mirror. She turned to glare at her mother, and cursed the day she herself had been born. After wearing the headgear -the remains of a peacock- she walked into the clearing, closing herself to the world and throwing herself into a flurry of movements interpreted as a peacocks dance before it’s death, when really it was how she taught herself. She memorised every single object in the room, and studied their actions deciphering their thoughts from the way they smiled. Dana regarded humans as objects too, to do exactly how they have been fashioned to do. But she was different, she could do what no other human could…

-/-

In a distant kingdom, in a world far, far away from Earth but yet so near, a child had been born. The sun was blazing hot, the smell of the air was pungent, raw and rotten, almost like the smell of burning flesh. But the kingdom was in celebration, it was a sign, a sign that the true heir of the Fenikkusu dynasty and co-heir to the throne of Aribirabata had been born. Trumpets were sounded, and drums were beaten, dancers displayed the best of their abilities, and the Inari were in full procession, throwing flames around like rabid dogs, their leader had arrived.

The king walked out, his face drawn and solemn, but tinged with a hint of confusion, ’It is a girl.’ The procession stopped. The room quietened and mouths dropped in surprise, the earth grew hotter, the skies rumbled and it began to rain…red hot flames. The Inari’s cried in happiness their skin burning from the hot flames, continuing with their celebrations, even as a child, the Princess of the Fenikkusu dynasty had proved her worth.

Nikita held her smile in place, although she was on the verge of tears she didn’t dare cry. Her husband sat next to her his vice-like grip on her arm, as she continued to keep her smile in place.

Xanthus was livid. He had never expected Ririma to put to bed, in fact he had made sure that she never left the room alive, and that neither did the baby. He had gone to several herbalists, especially that crazy leper who he had paid bullions for a special charm.

He could still remember the day, the harshness of the sun, the dense deserted forest, the throaty laugh of the leper, and his utmost disrespect for royalty. He had been scared, he had even stumbled and stammered, all for a lock and key that would close Ririma’s womb forever. Alas, it hadn’t worked and the child that would share the throne with his son Xanthus the 2nd, had finally reached the earth, three years late it seemed. He smiled, killing the unfortunate leper would be enough amusement, but not enough appeasement. He had Nikita for that. He let go of her arm, staring at the red, raw and angry mark left by him. He stroked it and kissed it. Nikita flinched, but she didn’t pull away. She couldn’t, She hadn’t become the Queen of the Tsuwamono dynasty to look pretty, had she? She had guts, and she could take it all, the beating, the jealously, the other women, but the one thing she couldn’t take was the way her husband looked at Ririma. She’d rather he bed a animal, or a man.

‘Tell the guards to be alert,’ Xanthus said, ‘We’re moving out.’

‘But what about the child, will you not be-

‘Don’t make me repeat that order.’ He said in an aloof manner.

The guard nodded and ran out of the viewing area reserved for the special guests, his feet pitter-pattering on the stone floor, and his voice echoing through the old walls as he gathered his fellow workers for the journey back home. He could feel it in the air, the stale smell and the way the clouds gathered, but the rain couldn’t seem to fall. The power of the child, for even the King of the Tsuwamono’s couldn’t seem to get it to rain, the rain just gathered and gathered but the sun shone, it blazed and the Inari’s danced.

-/-

The fire raged through the houses, they were controllable but the smoke from them provided cover for the attackers. They hid behind them and rained bullets on those who used the ancient arts, although no one could see their faces, everyone knew who they were. The earth dwellers. They had attacked, people ran and screamed, the smell of sulphur engulfed the room and the sound of children and adults weeping for fear of their lives resounded through the world.

-\-

Spoiler

This has been on my laptop for a while growing mouldy so I decided to throw it out here.It's a little short, and it reads like an excerpt to me. But I don't know if I should develop on it or not. Any advice on what to do with this is welcome

Hi Anger! Lavvi in to review.

I really, really, really liked this. Your description and imagery is simply fantastic! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. However, there are a few errors scampering around.

First, ellipses. You have the ones you use in the wrong spots and, if at all, don't need to be in this story at all. Your ellipses can be replaced with dashes, commas or periods. For example:

So I shall start with the story of one child…young, Dana White.

To:

So I shall start with the story of one child, young, Dana White.

There's also a few grammatical errors throughout your piece, but those can be easily found by simply reading aloud

Overall, I loved this (as mentioned above )! I could ramble on about how much I loved it, but I won't.

And in response to your note at the bottom of your piece, I think you should really continue this, be it novella or novel or merely a short story. It'd be really nice to see where this is going.

Lavvi

PS. Capitalize 'China' in your first paragraph

Chrysalis:

It's very interesting; I can't currently check on your summary for the novel, but I do have to wonder what the plot of this will be. It seems a bit fantasy-wise to me, but then, I am a fantasy person, But, your characters are certainly ones that were an interesting choice and I would like to see where this story leads me.

On to the crit part of this, I'm not really fond of all of the ellipses, as most often the sentence can do without them and actually end up to be stronger for it.

The first person introduction at the beginning was a bit random in my opinion, as it was never really carried through to the rest of the story, even in the second piece of narrative. If it's something that does carry through to the rest of the novel, I'd keep it, but if it doesn't, then I would find some other way of wording that sentence that would make it fit with the other pieces of narrative.

So I shall start with the story of one child…young, Dana White. Daughter of Michael and Gloria White, owners of The Purple Lotus tea shop, deep in the heart of modern day china.

As I've said, I'm not a fan of ellipses and I also think that the use of 'young' is a bit repetatitve here, as most people think 'young' when they think of the word 'child.' Something else that you could do is put the 'young' before 'child' and that might flow better. I also think that you could easily reword these two sentences to connect them together and have them flow even better. So, maybe something like: "So I shall start with the story of one young child: Dana White, daughter of Michael and Gloria White who are the owners of The Purple Lotus tea shop, deep in the heart of modern day China." Still not perfect, but it's your novel,

For there was something knowledgeable in the shop, but it’s knowledge was also dark and sinister

Can I just say that this sort of confused me. I do not get how 'there was something knowledgeable in the shop' works or what it's trying to say. I mean, I get the gist of it when I am reading the surrounding words, but just on its own, the words do not make sense.

She sighed, slumping her shoulder down, and fighting back tears. She would have to entertain them again, the men who frequently ventured the shop.

You might want to add in a speech tag for the mother, because it is only when I read the later sentences that I realize that the person slumping is Dana and not her mother.

Like a brainless fool, at only eight years of age, Dana White was smart enough to what she was capable of, and she knew being a host was not one of them, but she did it anyway. She did not love her family, she simply knew and understood the odds. A eight year old would not survive a day in China, but in the hands of these ignorant dogs that called themselves her parents…she, Dana would live to see another day.

In the first sentence, the first part of it really seems contradicted by the later clauses of the sentence. It makes me wonder whether or not it was meant to go with the earlier sentence. Also, the hatred of her parents was very sudden and it really isn't totally explained. I mean, you can kind of read into it that she hates them because she doesn't like being made to dance, but it doesn't quite seem to be hatred worthy. In what ways are the parents 'ignorant dogs?' I just think that needs just a little more of an explanation. Also, I don't think you need both the 'she, Dana' and you would be fine using only one of them.

Her black hair contrasted against her pale skin, creating such cruel beauty and her watery-grey eyes balanced out her cruel face, making her seem wiser than her years. Dana wasn‘t beautiful, oh no…she was interesting.

A question: Is the first sentence in this quote describing the mother or Dana? Because the second sentence contradicts both of the previous sentences in the paragraph. Dana's mother 'admired her spectacular beauty' and then you say that Dana wasn't beautiful? Maybe 'Dana wasn't just beautiful, oh no, she was interesting as well'?

the old men who simply watched, but made no move to touch her.

I think that with the use of 'simply,' the 'but' can be turned into an 'and,' because 'simply watched' basically says that they only watched her and didn't try to touch her. Another route would be to delete the 'simply.'

throwing herself into a flurry of movements interpreted as a peacocks dance before it’s death, when really it was how she taught herself.

This part of the sentence really doesn't come off well. The 'interpreted as' just doesn't match with the 'when really it was how.' I think you need to reword the sentence to better explain how she learned the dance by watching the death of a peacock.

The room quietened and mouths dropped in surprise, the earth grew hotter, the skies rumbled and it began to rain…red hot flames.

This part is also a bit confusing, mostly as it took me a second read through to realize that the falling fire was from the fire that they were tossing up before. So, maybe just something for you to think about.

He had never expected Ririma to put to bed, in fact he had made sure that she never left the room alive, and that neither did the baby.

There are several things that make me confused about this. For one, I don't think that the underlined part communicates what you want it to; there might be a word missing or something, but it just doesn't work. And then the name; it might just be a bit of confusion on my part about the characters, but I thought that the queen who just had the baby was Nikita, and so now I'm wondering just who 'Ririma' is. And later on I can read that 'Rarima' is the 'other woman,' but still something to think of. Also, I think it might work better to fold 'the baby' part of the sentence in with the 'she' part of the sentence. Like 'that neither she nor the baby left the room alive.'

Alas, it hadn’t worked and the child that would share the throne with his son, Xanthus the 2nd, had finally reached the earth, three years late it seemed.

Need a comma right there. Also, the last part of the sentence is another thing that confused me. How is the baby three years late?

I do have to admit that most of this is rather confusing to me, but hopefully this will be cleared up with several more chapters. I do have to admit that I am curious as to what Dana's role will be (and I'm hoping that she ends up to be a slightly more engaging character), and I am curious as to why the king didn't just refuse to acknowledge the kid. And I do have to wonder why on earth he's punishing his proper wife when he's the one who screwed the pooch, but that's my bias showing through,

All in all, I am really interested in where the plot for this is going. I do like stories that take several separate characters and their situations and tie them all together. And how you tie them all together is yet to come, so of course I'm curious. I think you have a good start to something.

- Tatra

Poo face. *Nods*

Considering you begged me so greatly, I'm here to review this. I don't think I've reviewed or read anything of yours in a billion years, so this should be interesting. Because it's you, I think I may struggle to actually take everything 100% seriously. Do not fret though! I'll still (try and) be helpful. If you have any questions or shizz after this, let me know in an aggressive manner.

Oh, before I get started, there's one thing I'd like to mention. When I read the first line, I didn't actually think it was part of the story... I thought you were literally telling us that you didn't know how to start the novel. Then I read the ting about the threads of time, and I figured out that it was actually meant to be there as part of the story itself. im a sp@z. The problem is that I'm just to smart for everyone else. Yeah...

So I shall start with the story of one child…young, Dana White.

I agree with Lavvi on this one. This ellipsis doesn't really look right here. Also, I have issues, so I'm not completely keen on the sentence beginning with so either. If I were you, I'd have written it like this:

I shall start with the story of one child: young Dana White.

I might have even cut the young part out, but that's more of a personal choice/freak/me kind of choice. If you didn't want to have a colon there, you could have a dash instead. ( - ) To be honest, punctuation ain't my strong point, f.e. I just used ain't, but I do think it would work a bit better if you punctuated that line differently.

I just wrote two paragraphs about one line. Sorry.

‘I’ll do it,’ she said.

Dialogue punctuation, m'dear. Whenever you use the word said after dialogue, you always have a comma at the end of the dialogue, then start the word said with a lower case 's'. It's the rules, Poo head. THE RULEZ.

She’d rather he bed a animal, or a man.

HOMG, please do. I <3 gays.

Okay, now I'll actually say something of worth. Overall, I like this, Ginger Nut. I am proud of you. You've got some really great descriptions and ideas in here, and I can definitely see this piece ending up really cool. One thing I especially like about this is actually the names of your characters. I'm one of those creeps who are interested in the name of characters and such, so this certainly pleases me. You have cool character names. As a whole, you're grammar was great. I agree with Lavvi on what she said about the ellipsis situation though. A lot of them seem to be in unnecessary places. Now, onto the critiques... Dun, dun, duuuuuuuun.

This may be due to my lack of brain cells, but I got a bit confused on some things. Most of it I did understand, but there was the odd detail here and there that baffled me a little. For example, I don't completely understand Dana and her shop. It's a tea shop, right? Why would Dana dress as a peacock and dance around in a tea shop...? Is it some weird Chinese tradition? Plus, what's up with the perverted men? Do they all gather in a tea shop? Knowing me, I'm probably missing something, aren't I? If not though, I think you need to clear that up.

The only other thing that confused me really was something to do with the whole baby situation. I think it was because I lost track of some of the characters names and who they were. Either that, or I'm just completely dumb. It's around here, I think, where I began to get confused...

Nikita held her smile in place, although she was on the verge of tears she didn’t dare cry. Her husband sat next to her his vice-like grip on her arm, as she continued to keep her smile in place.

Xanthus was livid. He had never expected Ririma to put to bed, in fact he had made sure that she never left the room alive, and that neither did the baby. He had gone to several herbalists, especially that crazy leper who he had paid bullions for a special charm.

Okay... So what do you mean by "to put to bed"? I think the main thing that confuses me about this is Xanthus himself. Who is he exactly? I'm not going to get all pouty with you because you can easily answer these questions in later chapters, so I will hold back. I think I'm mainly just confused on the situation itself. Like, what's up with the baby? Why does Xanthus hate royalty? Why does he want to kill the baby? Plus, who's Ririma exactly? I've just got some random questions like that swarming my head. Nothing too serious. So long as they get answered soon(ish) it'll be fine.

So yeah, negatives aside, I like this, Toe Face. Keep at it! With a bit of tweaking, tit shall be beautiful.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey there, here as requested.
Just keep in mind, I had novels on that list of evil because I'm no good with them.
So, I'm just going to dive right into my attempt at this review.
First off, I would be wary of making this too classic fantasy-ish. From what it looks like, you have two MCs right now:
a young girl, who has the potential to be disproportionately powerful from the position that she's right now. She's being exploited, and is "different" from everybody else.
a woman who is in what is supposed to be a position of power, taken down by her domineering, abusive husband.
Both of these characters are almost too well set up to take control of their lives and change things drastically, at least in a fantasy plot. I don't want to say that they're cliche, because they aren't really, but I would make your intentions a little bit more subtle, at least for a while, and at least with the young girl. Your language surrounding her situation is a little too blatant. Okay, on to some nitpick-ish stuffs.

I know I should tell this story from the beginning, but knowing exactly where to start is like beginning to decipher the threads of time, as this has been waiting to happen since the creation of the worlds-- all 155 of them.
This sentence feels really awkward and long, especially the last bit. I don't think that's relevant yet. I'd change the word "beginning" to "trying" as it gives a feel of an impossible task, which seems to be what you were going for. Also, I removed the word "all", added another dash after "worlds" and a space before the first "all".

So I shall start with the story of one child…young, Dana White, daughter of Michael and Gloria White, owners of The Purple Lotus tea shop, deep in the heart of modern day china.
The ellipses feel weird. Maybe switch out with a colon? Also, I put the last two sentences together, as the very last one was a fragment. You might consider taking out "modern day" because that gives the tone that we are readers looking into a world, and reminded of the time. I know that you're trying to set the scene, but do it subtly and through your descriptions.

Your grammar throughout the piece is a bit weird in some spots. Here, I made some corrections/suggestions, because some things caught my eye as being different, and you don't really want a reader to be doing that while reading your work. While it might be okay, and still grammatically correct, it might look off at first and ultimately be distracting.
I payed attention this part a lot because it's the opening; it needs to be really strong and draw in the reader quickly. Simple beginnings are usually what get me the easiest. Take out any extra words or descriptions.

The rooms are all a pale sickly green colour This immediately made me think of a hospital. Maybe change it so it doesn't carry that cliche description of something else?, the chairs are worn out, and the tables are about to give away, but this tea shop had housed several people, by the appearance of things…men.

Nice description, but remember to keep it concise. Also, make the darkness of the place immediately evident in your first descriptions; I was picturing a light colored place because of the pale green; make sure we know that the green is swathed in shadows. Also, clarify the actual nature of the men who come in; I thought you meant "men" as humanity and I kind of went, "Uhh, duh," until I realized what you meant.

but in the hands of these ignorant dogs that called themselves her parents…she, Dana would live to see another day.

This part felt weird to me. You're kind of writing from this little girl's perspective, who is only 8. I know that she's supposed to be mature for her age, but especially in this society, I don't think she'd normally use the word "ignorant", especially not to describe her parents. If she grew up with this type of treatment, she'd be used to it. If anything, it'd be a simple annoyance. Also, the ellipses bother me again.

Her mother jumped for joy

Really nitpicky, I know, but this phrase bothers me; it's really overused. Maybe say something like, "Her mother beamed and quickly clapped her hands together before putting them on Dana's face..." I don't know. That isn't any good, but you get my point.

and cursed the day she herself had been born.

Again, sounds weird for an 8 year old.

In a distant kingdom, in a world far, far away from Earth but yet so near, a child had been born.

Watch out for trying to push your words too far. There are many novels that have this literary-epic tone to it, and it usually comes off trying to sound more important than it actually is. Keep your words natural, and don't try to present your novel in a grandiose tone. Let it be there and be honest. That makes the best book.

Trumpets were sounded, and drums were beaten, dancers displayed the best of their abilities, and the Inari were in full procession, throwing flames around like rabid dogs, their leader had arrived.

This is a rather long sentence-- you could take out "and dreams were beaten" and I think it would sound better rhythmically. Also, it ends with a comma splice; for the last clause, I'd use a semicolon rather than a comma.

The king walked out, his face drawn and solemn, but tinged with a hint of confusion, ’It is a girl.’ The procession stopped. The room quietened and mouths dropped in surprise, the earth grew hotter, the skies rumbled and it began to rain…red hot flames. The Inari’s cried in happiness their skin burning from the hot flames, continuing with their celebrations, even as a child, the Princess of the Fenikkusu dynasty had proved her worth.

This part confused me. Just leaving it at that.

‘Don’t make me repeat that order.’ He said in an aloof manner.

Grammatically, this is incorrect. Use a comma after "order" and don't capitalize "He".

That last little bit is a bit odd to me; it needs more context to really grab the reader. Is this another world, or does it have to do with one of the characters you're developing?

Overall:
Watch your description; you have some sentences that go on for a long time with a bunch of clauses strung together. Be concise, and describe only what we need to know for the scene and characters. Also, make us sympathize with the characters a bit more. While they were both in awful situations, I didn't really feel as much for them as I think I could have. Play on that a bit more.
I think that you could definitely expand this into more. Just shy away from using that epic-tone. It makes you live up to something you're idolizing, and it makes the tone awkward.
Overall, nice job!

-Coral-