What Matters

-- Tear this apart please --


There’s a distance in the way she moves,
with her simple, awkward swagger.
Her silence speaks a million words
yet her frown says what really matters.

He’s a beacon glowing over head,
blue eyes and a too-big smile.
But even when he kisses her
all he sees are the dreams she shatters.

His hands dance drowsily up her back
while her fingers fly down his chest.
Before the night can even peak
they’ve lost their clothes in tatters.

She licks the taste of him from her lips
while wrapping her arm around him.
Her silence speaks a million words
but he knows her frown says what really matters.

Spoiler

I'm not completely sure what to think about this. I wrote it, but, I think I was just happy to put words down on paper. You know?

lilymoore wrote:[b]There’s a distance in the way she moves,
with her simple, awkward swagger. I love these first two lines.
Her silence speaks a million words Your use of "a million" sounds informal. Go for formality.
yet her frown says what really matters. Not sure I like this line. I would consider changing it a bit.

He’s a beacon glowing over head, "Overhead" is one word.
blue eyes and a too-big smile.
But even when he kisses of her Did you mean to say "of her?" It could be perfectly intentional, but I'm just pointing it out.
all he sees are the dreams she shatters.

His hands dance drowsily up her back There are many adverbs to describe this, but "drowsily" is not the one.
while her fingers fly down his chest. "Fly" may not be the word you're aiming for here.
Before the night can even peak
they’ve lost their clothes in tatters.

She licks the taste of him from her lips
while wrapping her arm around him.
Her silence speaks a million words Same thing with "a million."
but he knows her frown says what really matters. LOOONG line here....

Nice job with this poem! I hope this provided some usefulness in one way or another.

-Kafka

It is a good piece...
It has a good flow and good rhythm it is just that i could not quite understand the last two lines of the second paragraph..... Or it might be that i am not concentrating enough.... XD
All in all its a good poem...
Keep up the good work...
PM me for anything...

Hey there
So, I wanted to say that I found the rhyme scheme really interesting for this one-- I haven't quite decided yet if I like it or not. In the second stanza, it kind of threw me that you didn't continue it consistently.
Now, I'm kind of bias when it comes to rhyme schemes at all. I'm not terribly fond of them, to be perfectly honest. But, I think you did an excellent job in the first stanza, though it was kind of weird in the rest. Okay. I'll stop obsessing now, and move on to the rest of the piece.

So, I have a couple of nitpicks, if you don't mind.

There’s a distance in the way she moves,
with her simple, awkward swagger. This image is a little hard for me-- swaggers usually don't come off as awkward, but more pretentious. Also, saying that there's a "distance in the way she moves" feels odd to me. Do you mean that she keeps herself at a distance or...? I might not just be getting it because it's almost 3 though.

Her silence speaks a million words
yet her frown says what really matters. These two lines could be saying the same thing in a way, but you have a word that makes them seem contradictory. I really like the articulation here though, as well as the images.


He’s a beacon glowing over head, Overhead is one word.
blue eyes and a too-big smile.
But even when he kisses her
all he sees are the dreams she shatters. This is interesting; you make it sound like he's the protagonist. I really like that you introduce her first, then, because it changes the perspective and expectations of the reader. Nice imagery in the last line, though again, the rhyme scheme was a bit weird.

His hands dance drowsily up her back
while her fingers fly down his chest. Nice imagery in the last two lines
Before the night can even peak This line feels awkward, like you were forcing a rhyme or something, but without the actual rhyme to force.
they’ve lost their clothes in tatters.

She licks the taste of him from her lips
while wrapping her arm around him. The last two lines here could use some work I think-- the language, especially in the second line, doesn't seem to really fit with the rest of the piece. I don't know why. Maybe you could switch from "around" to "about" as nitpicky as that sounds?
Her silence speaks a million words
but he knows her frown says what really matters. The rhythm is weird here in this last line, but I love the use of repetition and the tone with which you leave us.

Overall: I think that this is a nice piece, though you could better define the actual story and your characters' roles in it. Right now, both characters are kind of vague, and because they aren't very strong, the odd rhyme scheme dominates the piece, even though it's only one line in each stanza. I would play about with them, making them human but more obvious personality-wise or something to strengthen them. I really think that would help this piece.
I like your word choice and the tone in which your wrote this, and most of my comments were more nitpicks than anything else. Good job.

-Coral-