Young Writers Society

If you like it press LIKE and I know my grammer isn't very good either all suggestions are welcome. Also if the thoughts, dreams ect are not in italics its becuase I copied and pasted from Microsoft Word so just point it out for me and and I will change it right away.


Chapter One

The blood red sky danced off the twinkling white snow. The light dulled to a pale orange, as the sun disappeared beneath the huge grey mountains.
Soon the full grey moon slid into view with the pinprick stars lighting up the night with a pale silvery light.
The journey continued on, long and endless, it was deathly still and the silence was unbearable. Only the occasional cough or sneeze filled in the emptiness of the closed in train.
The light flickered out and left them sitting in the dark, feeling around for lost belonging that fell to the wooden floor when a fellow train rode beside them, tossing people from their seats.

Erica's pale white skin contrasted with her midnight black hair that tumbled below her shoulders in a plait. Her eyes shined a deep purple that looked almost black in the dark as she gazed out of the window, willing the train to hurry up and do what it was destined to, it was only a matter of time before they figured out her secret.
Erica sighed and wound down the window for a better look at the sky. The cool air washed against her face as she examined the way the moon hung in the sky. She had ten more minutes until it happened, oh why did I come early? She could already feel the casualties weigh up as each second ticked by.

Erica glanced mercifully around the carriage, taking in every face, noticing the way they ignorantly did not see what would scar their memories forever.
A baby lay on its mother’s lap, its gentle breathing only a slight sound in a carriage full of business men in dark suits with unused laptops on their knees. Their heads rolled to the side with exhaustion, rumbling snores echoing about the walls.

I used to keep count she thought, now I only remember the frustrating ones that fight for life. Clinging to a slipping surface, clawing at the surface of reality but I know that it cannot last for they must die and I must take them. They cannot change what is destined of them.

Her senses increased; suddenly she was aware of the movements in the carriage. The mother was the first to realize what was happening as she pushed her baby to her chest protecting it from the lurch as the train hit the wonky track, the business man’s gasp as he fell from his seat, a teenage girl as she grasped her boyfriend’s hand, telling him she would never let go.
“You must let go,” Erica whispered in her ear, “Tom would want you to be at peace” Erica extended her long skeletal hand beckoning her to join them in the world after the living. She watched as the silly girl grasped her hand, her pale spirit rising out of her body as it smashed against the wall, crimson fluid dripping out of a gaping wound in her head.
“Good girl,” She cooed, walking down the aisle of the train with Hannah following behind, much like an obedient puppy, if puppies moved when they died that is.
“Am I-am I dead?” Hannah asked, her voice an almost squeak, shock now wearing off leaving her with the consequence of what was really happening.
“Shhhh,” Erica hushed harshly, “I hear something” The sound she most detested now wrung loud in her ears, a clawing sound one invisible to human ears but very much heard in hers.
“Dammit!” She cursed, speculating why she had to endure such a task. Why could one of the others not do it? Why me? This is so unfair. But life was unfair, even after death it was still unfair, but that was what you got, being a collector, you always had to deal with unfairness whether it was a young child being run over by a train, his screams echoing across the station not knowing no one could help him, while a mass murderer ran free of your grasp, just as you felt him on the tips of your fingers and experienced the tingling up your spine as you thought over what death you shall put him through for ending all the innocent lives he took for his own, sick pleasure, or when thinking you can finally relax, you would land a job collecting the bodies of a stray bomb or plane crash. But you would always have to push through because there was always someone worse off than yourself, for one the girl Hannah as she trailed behind Erica still the raw pain of her own death tugged at her throat and she knew Hannah’s pain as she watched her boyfriend die so similar to Erica, yet so different.

Erica turned to face Hannah. I wonder if she hates the sound of death as much as me?
“Look, go greet your boyfriend into death just take his hand and lead him over here then I will tell you what to do next, okay?” She nodded slightly and walked off towards her boyfriend’s tattered body. She flinched as she took his blood stained hand.
“Honey, come with me it will be okay,” Her voice wobbled as silent tears streamed down her face, “Do I have to take him?” She turned to Erica wanting to hear an answer that could not be told.
“You can’t if you want to, make him suffer his death alone, make him become all alone and lonely!” Her voice laced with anger was rising by the second.

The blade glinted in the torchlight the fatal weapon that had taken so many lives. The stinging started, and then rose brutally until it seems her leg was on fire.
“Stop! Stop please, just kill me I don’t-I don’t want” Her voice was cut off as she saw the Steven’s frightened face, staring into her eyes. He had known what was coming; they all had it coming eventually.
Bodies were cowering in the corners of the building trying to shut out her screams of pain she was not aware of making.
“I’m sorry Steven, I thought-I thought” She felt the blade sear across her throat as her body stopped its writhing at the dying sound of a siren in the distance.
Erica spirit raised out of her broken body, the scene now taking place beneath her.
“Steven,” She called out to him, trying to grasp his hand, but it passed through like she had tried to catch air,. “What’s happening? Steven! Steven!”
The police were now swarming around the place in a flurry of blue and red until they stopped wide eyed, looking at her body. Alone, broken and murdered.

“Erica? Erica?” Erica turned to look at Hannah. Her boyfriend was now trailing behind her a look of wonderment on his face, probably still confused about what happened.
“My work is done now, we must leave” Other deceased collectors were now appearing in the train. “Hannah, Tom, come with me”
Erica disappeared, and one by one the others followed.

*

“Erica, what is this place?” Hannah marvelled as she paced the foyer, her eyes looked as though they might off popped out of her head as she tried to look in all directions at once.
“This is the foyer of the underworld,” Erica explained, she had been here a million times, but the splendour had never refused to amaze her. The giant cave walls towered over them, the dark brown dirt was covered with intricate paintings of cloaked figures masked the wall, the figure held a razor-sharp scythe that arched above its head, a wasted hand visible from under the cloak. This man was Death.

Tom had moved to inspect a painting closer, while Hannah stared open mouthed at the glistening chandelier that hung from the ceiling, the candles lighting up the darkness with a soft red glow.
“Excuse me young man” Came the coarse voice of Mrs Maggonary, she had been the receptionist for Death for as long as Erica remembered. Mrs Maggonary was a thin, elderly woman who didn’t seem to look like she had seen the light of day; her skin was so pale and thin that you could see the beginning of blue veins showing through, her hair fell over her shoulders in a wild mass of grey and her eyes were as sharp as a hawks, you had better be afraid if you put a toe out of line with this woman. “Don’t touch that!” Tom’s finger was but an inch away when Mrs Maggonary voice called out shrill as ever; Erica could see she was preparing for a lecture.
“Please ma’am, I need to take these two,” She gestured to Hannah and Tom, “To meet Death, they need to learn their...duties as such”
“I’ll take them,” Mrs Maggonary said bustling towards the door, but just before she entered she turned her lamp like gaze over Erica, “I’d keep to myself missy, I am starting to wonder whether we can trust you with the new arrivals”
Hannah gave Erica a weak smile before following Mrs Maggonary out the door, her face reading only too clearly the queasiness she was feeling towards meeting the fearsome man she had heard so many tales about.

Erica sat down on the black leather couch that sat in the corner of the room and watched as collectors came and went with their new arrivals. What is taking them so long? Just as that thought crossed her mind the door creaked and Hannah worried face peered out, it lightened slightly seeing Erica sitting on the couch. She hadn’t abandoned her.
“Where is Tom?” Erica was truly confused; never when two new arrivals came together did they get separated so quickly without warning.
“Death said that he wanted to talk to Tom alone for a while, you don’t think that he’ll take him to the underworld do you?” Erica shook her head bewildered; she didn’t see any reason why, unless of course he had done something bad, no, no bad deeds then that must mean that, a shiver passed down Erica’s spine. Death must want something from him.

“Hannah we must go, it’s been too long” Hannah was still in denial, but it was time for her to face the facts. “Hannah, if I know Death,” Erica looked deep into Hannah’s eyes “Then he must have something important for him to do”
“But it’s not fair Erica, what happened to forever being with your loved ones after death?” Hannah sobbed as she shrank to the dirt floor.
“Nothing is fair” Erica tugged at Hannah making her stand up, all feelings of affection vanished in the blink of an eye. Erica strode to the far wall. “Well are you coming?” Hannah followed suit, puzzled over why Erica was acting so harshly. Erica pressed her hands against the wall and muttered some words under breath.
The wall seems to vanish and revealed the long winding tunnels that led into the underground.
“But can’t we just...” Hannah voice was cut off by the sharp reply of Erica.
“No, you will get too lazy, we walk”

The silence was beginning to get uncomfortable, Hannah’s confused and hurt face made Erica start to feel guilty for snapping at her yet she was too proud to apologize.
“Erica, where exactly are we going?” Hannah glanced nervously at the ceiling that seems to go up for miles before revealing a speck of light at the top.
“Turn here,” Erica turned into another winding passage, nodding mutely to collectors who were passing by. “We are going to the chambers, there,” She paused to look at her watch, “You will decide whether you want to stay with your guardian, me, or go off on your own”

Erica could not sleep; she tossed and turned in her bed trying to get comfortable.
Oh sod it! She climbed out of bed, immediately feeling the chill of the night air around her that almost made her get back into the warm covers she had now left.
Erica felt the wall down the steps being careful not to make a sound that would wake the sleeping collectors.
“Hannah!” She pulled her dressing gown tightly around her startled when she saw Hannah sitting by the hard-packed dirt fireplace the fire burning brightly, making Hannah’s blonde hair shine and her bloodshot eyes glimmer. It was clear she had been crying.

“I’ve decided Erica,” Hannah was looking deep into the flames, “I’m going to stay with you, I don’t know the ropes as well as you do around here. I’m-I’m not sure what I would do without you to help me.”
Erica put her hand on Hannah’s arm, “You know what? I used to have a fiancé, Steven was his name.”
“Really, what happened?” Hannah shifted herself to face Erica.
“Well he and I got kidnapped by a rebel group called the ‘Crimson Chaos’ and when my mother alerted the police about me after she got a ransom tape, they slit my throat,” She ignored the look of horror on Hannah’s face. “Then of course they had to desert there hide out not having enough time to bury my body they left it there to rot, I wasn’t met by a guardian, I have no idea why,” Erica sighed reliving the memories again, “Steven was later murdered, I never saw him again, I later learned that Death had taken him for ‘classified reasons’, I never stopped loving him you know, even after all these years without him”
“I’m sorry, I never-“Hannah started.
“Don’t worry; just don’t give up hope okay? You’ll see him one day. We just need to have faith”
They sat in comfortable silence for the rest of the night neither realized when they dozed off in their armchairs. All ill feelings removed and the promise of a new dawn on the horizon.

Hello! Truth here for a review If you don't mind I'll start with some of my nitpicking and corrections. All of them are suggestions, after all, you are the master of this piece

SweetMoments wrote:
The blood red sky danced off the twinkling white snow. The light dulled to a pale orange, comma as the sun disappeared beneath the huge grey mountains.
Soon the full grey moon slid into view with the pinprick stars lighting up the night with a pale silvery light.
The journey continued on, comma long and endless, comma it was deathly still and the silence was unbearable. Only the occasional cough or sneeze filled in the emptiness of the closed in train.
The light flickered out and left them sitting in the dark, comma feeling around for lost belongings that fell to the wooden floor when a fellow train rode beside them, tossing people from their seats.

Erica's pale white skin contrasted with her midnight black hair that tumbled below her shoulders in a plait. Her eyes shined a deep purple that looked almost black in the dark as she gazed out of the window, comma willing the train to hurry up and do what it was destined to, it was only a matter of time before they figured out her secret.
Erica sighed and wound down the window for a better look at the sky. The cool air washed against her face as she examined the way the moon hung in the sky. She had ten more minutes until it happened, oh why did I come early? She could already feel the casualties weigh up as each second ticked by.

Erica glanced mercifully around the carriage, comma taking in every face, noticing the way they ignorantly did not see what would scar their memories forever.
A baby lay on its mother’s lap, its gentle breathing only a slight sound in a carriage full of business men in dark suits with unused laptops on their knees. Period Their heads rolled to the side with exhaustion, rumbling snores echoing about the walls.

I used to keep count she thought, now I only remember the frustrating ones that fight for life. Clinging to a slipping surface, clawing at the surface of reality but I know that it cannot last for they must die and I must take them. They cannot change what is destined of them.

Her senses increased, comma suddenly she was aware of the movements in the carriage,. Period The mother was the first to realize what was happening as she pushed her baby to her chest protecting it from the lurch as the train hit the wonky track, the business man’s gasp as he fell from his seat, a teenage girl as she grasped her boyfriend's hand, comma telling him she would never let go.
“You must let go, comma” Erica whispered in her ear, “Tom would want you to be at peace” Erica extended her long skeletal hand beckoning her to join them in the world after the living. She watched as the silly girl grasped her hand, her pale spirit rising out of her body as it smashed against the wall, crimson fluid dripping out of a gaping wound in her head.
“Good girl, comma” She cooed, walking down the aisle of the train with Hannah following behind, comma much like an obedient puppy, if puppies where a transparent grey that is.
“Am I-am I dead?” Hannah asked, comma her voice an almost squeak, shock now wearing off leaving her with the consequence of what was really happening.
“Shhhh,” Erica hushed harshly, “I hear something” The sound she most detested now wrung loud in her ears, a clawing sound one invisible to human ears but very much heard in hers.

“Dammit!” She cursed, speculating why she had to endure such a task. Why could one of the others not do it? Why me? This is so unfair. But life was unfair, comma even after death it was still unfair but that was what you got, comma being a collector, you always had to deal with unfairness whether it was a young child being run over by a train, comma his screams echoing across the station not knowing no one could help him, comma while a mass murderer ran free of your grasp, comma just as you felt him on the tips of your fingers and experienced the tingling up your spine as you thought over what death you shall put him through for ending all the innocent lives he took for his own, comma sick pleasure, comma or when thinking you can finally relax, comma you would land a job collecting the bodies of a stray bomb or plane crash. But you would always have to push through because there was always someone worse off than yourself, for one the girl Hannah as she trailed behind Erica still the raw pain of her own death tugged at her throat and she knew Hannah’s pain as she watched her boyfriend die so similar to Erica, comma yet so different.

Erica turned to face Hannah. I wonder if she hates the sound of death as much as me?
“Look, go greet your boyfriend into death just take his hand and lead him over here then I will tell you what to do next, comma okay?” She nodded slightly and walked off towards her boyfriend’s tattered body. She flinched as she took his blood stained hand.
“Honey, come with me it will be okay,” Her voice wobbled as silent tears streamed down her face,comma “Do I have to take him?” She turned to Erica wanting to hear an answer that could not be told.
“You can’t if you want to, make him suffer his death alone, make him become all alone and lonely!” Her voice laced with anger was rising by the second.

The blade glinted in the torchlight the fatal weapon that had taken so many lives. The stinging started, comma then rose brutally until it seemed her leg was on fire.
“Stop! Stop please, just kill me I don’t-I don’t want” Her voice was cut off as she saw Steven's frightened face, comma staring into her eyes.[color=#FF0000] Period[/color] He had known what was coming, they all had it coming eventually.
Bodies were cowering in the corners of the building trying to shut out her screams of pain she was not aware of making.
“I’m sorry Steven, I thought-I thought” She felt the blade sear across her throat as her body stopped its writhing at the dying sound of a siren in the distance.
Erica spirit raised out of her broken body, comma the scene now taking place beneath her.
“Steven,” She called out to him, comma trying to grasp his hand, comma but it passed through like she had tried to catch air, comma “What’s happening? Steven! Steven!”
The police were now swarming around the place in a flurry of blue and red until they stopped wide eyed, comma looking at her body. Alone, broken and murdered.

“Erica? Erica?” Erica turned to look at Hannah. Period Her boyfriend was now trailing behind her a look of wonderment on his face, probably still confused about what happened.
“My work is done now, we must leave.” Other grey collectors were now appearing in the train. “Hannah, Tom, come with me.”
Erica disappeared, comma and one by one the others followed.

Alright, that is all I believe
First, I want to point out that commas are something you shouldn't be scared to use. There can never be too much of them and especially with your style of writing, which flows a lot with long and descriptive sentences, commas can help to separate and organize your ideas.
Second, the verb tenses... since you switch between past and present (which is still past), you need to be careful with your tenses. Be sure to always keep them in past at all times. You only have a bit of a slip up there, so just keep an eye out.

Overall, this looks very promising! I love your writing style. The description is just great, it's beautiful. You're doing a great job of explaining and situating the reader Then end is alright, I wouldn't change it. Keep on writing this!

-Truth-

Hey there Sweets!

Just saw the link you posted on the page. I would appreciate it if next time, you post a request in our WRFF thread (usually in our signatures), that way it's much easier to track

On to the story!

I won't mention the nitpicks, because Truth was rather thorough, so I'll just comment on the chappy itself. In the first paragraph, I thought the descriptions were good and set the mood throughout the rest of the piece. Afterwards, you described Erica and I thought, "Uh oh, not too much description." I guess my prayers were answered because you stopped. Or, almost. There wasn't much written afterwards to help place your readers in there with your characters.

I found the piece good and intriguing but also...lacking. I found that Hannah and Tom got over their deaths pretty darn quickly. I think -and this is just my opinion- that it would help immensely if you wrote it from Hannah's point of view. We'd see things through her newly dead eyes. Feel things through her, too. Because right now, I don't get much of a sense of who Erica is. And plus, you give the flashback, then actually tell Hannah what's wrong with you. So we get the story twice, which is just repetitive.

Also, I noticed you do quite a lot of telling, instead of showing. I think that would also be helped if you write from Hannah's pov. Just my opinion again, though.

Well, hope this helped. It was an intriguing piece and it needs work, but it's obvious you're a talented writer.

Keep up the great work!

Tanya

Heya, Sweet.

Considering you seem to want to improve your grammar, I'll give you a nit-picky review here, I think. Hehe, and I always miss out italics when I copy and paste my writing from YWS to here, so I can totally understand if you've missed any out. If I spot any, I'll make sure to notify you. After this review, if you have any questions or anything, be sure to let me know. I'd be more than happy to answer them for you.

The blood-red sky danced off the twinkling, white snow. The light dulled to a pale orange, as the sun disappeared beneath the huge grey mountains.

I'm not 100% sure on the dash (-) between blood and red, but I think that's right. I'd maybe check it over somewhere though.

The journey continued on, long and endless. It was deathly still and the silence was unbearable.

Her eyes shined a deep purple that looked almost black in the dark as she gazed out of the window, willing the train to hurry up and do what it was destined to. It was only a matter of time before they figured out her secret.

She had ten more minutes until it happened. Oh, why did I come early? She could already feel the casualties weighing up as each second ticked by.

I used to keep count, she thought, but now I only remember the frustrating ones that fight for life. Clinging to a slipping surface, clawing at the surface of reality, but I know that it cannot last, for they must die and I must take them. They cannot change what is destined for them.

The mother was the first to realize what was happening as she pushed her baby to her chest protecting it from the lurch as the train hit the wonky track, the business man’s gasp as he fell from his seat, a teenage girl as she grasped her boyfriend’s hand, telling him she would never let go.

This is worded a bit awkwardly, mostly due to grammar, I think. I'm not 100% sure on what you want to say exactly, so I don't want to risk suggesting something for you. I'd just advise you to reword this somehow, so that you can make sure it's completely clear.

“You must let go,” Erica whispered in her ear. “Tom would want you to be at peace.” Erica extended her long skeletal hand, beckoning the girl to join them in the world after the living.

Right now, I'm not too sure what's going on exactly. The train's crashed, right? I get the impression that something's dangling. A carriage or something? You haven't really shown us. Show us the train skidding off of the track. I like violence.

“Good girl,” she cooed, walking down the aisle of the train with Hannah following behind, much like an obedient puppy - if puppies moved when they died, that is.

“Am I-am I dead?” Hannah asked. Her voice almost a squeak, and the shock was now wearing off, leaving her with the consequence of what was really happening.

“Shhhh,” Erica hushed harshly, “I hear something.” The sound she most detested now wrung loud in her ears - a clawing sound. One invisible to human ears, but very much heard in hers.

Why me? This is so unfair. But life was unfair, even after death it was still unfair. That was what you got though, being a collector. You always had to deal with unfairness, whether it was a young child being run over by a train, his screams echoing across the station, not knowing no one could help him, while a mass murderer ran free of your grasp. As you felt him on the tips of your fingers and experienced the tingling up your spine, you thought over what death you shall put him through for ending all of the innocent lives he took for his own, sick pleasure. When thinking you can finally relax, you would land a job collecting the bodies of a stray bomb or plane crash, but you would always have to push through because there was always someone worse off than yourself. The girl, Hannah, trailed behind Erica, still with the raw pain of her own death tugging at her throat. Erica knew Hannah’s pain as she watched her boyfriend die, so similar to Erica, yet so different.

This paragraph was more or less originally one huge sentence. I've tried cleaning it up, so hopefully, it's a bit better now.

“Look, go greet your boyfriend into death. Just take his hand and lead him over here. Then I will tell you what to do next, okay?”
Hannah nodded slightly and walked off towards her boyfriend’s tattered body.

“Honey, come with me. It will be okay.” Her voice wobbled as silent tears streamed down her face. “Do I have to take him?” She turned to Erica, wanting to hear an answer that could not be told.

“You can’t if you want to. Make him suffer his death alone, make him become all alone and lonely!” Her voice laced with anger was rising by the second.

All alone and lonely is technically the same thing.

The blade glinted in the torchlight: the fatal weapon that had taken so many lives. The stinging started, and then rose brutally until it seemed her leg was on fire.

“Stop! Stop, please! Just kill me! I don’t-I don’t want--” Her voice was cut off as she saw the Steven’s frightened face, his eyes staring into hers.

“I’m sorry, Steven. I thought-I thought.” She felt the blade sear across her throat as her body stopped its writhing at the dying sound of a siren in the distance.

Erica's spirit raised out of her broken body, the scene now taking place beneath her.
“Steven,” she called out to him, trying to grasp his hand, but it passed through like she had tried to catch air,. “What’s happening? Steven! Steven!”
The police were now swarming around the place in a flurry of blue and red until they stopped wide eyed, looking at her body. Alone, broken and murdered.

I'm confused. I thought Erica was already dead? Or is the name Erica here a typo?

“Erica? Erica?” Erica turned to look at Hannah. Her boyfriend was now trailing behind her, a look of wonderment on his face. He was probably still confused about what had happened.

“My work is done now. We must leave.” Other deceased collectors were now appearing in the train. “Hannah, Tom, come with me.”

Erica disappeared, and one by one, the others followed.

“Erica, what is this place?” Hannah marvelled as she paced the foyer. Her eyes looked as though they might off popped out of her head as she tried to look in all directions at once.

“This is the foyer of the underworld,” Erica explained. She had been here a million times, but the splendour had never refused to amaze her. The giant cave walls towered over them, and the dark brown dirt was covered with intricate paintings of cloaked figures masked the wall. The figure held a razor-sharp scythe that arched above its head, a wasted hand visible from under the cloak.

“Excuse me, young man,” came the coarse voice of Mrs Maggonary. S she had been the receptionist for Death for as long as Erica remembered.

Mrs Maggonary was a thin, elderly woman who didn’t seem to look like she had seen the light of day; her skin was so pale and thin that you could see the beginning of blue veins showing through. H her hair fell over her shoulders in a wild mass of grey, and her eyes were as sharp as a hawks. Y you had better been afraid if you put a toe out of line with this woman.

“Please, ma’am, I need to take these two.” She gestured to Hannah and Tom. “To meet Death; they need to learn their...duties as such.”

“I’ll take them,” Mrs Maggonary said, bustling towards the door, but just before she entered[color=#FF0000],[/color] she turned her lamp-like gaze over Erica.
“I’d keep to myself, missy. I am starting to wonder whether we can trust you with the new arrivals.”

What is taking them so long? Just as that thought crossed her mind, the door creaked and Hannah's worried face peered out. It lightened slightly seeing Erica sitting on the couch.

“Death said that he wanted to talk to Tom alone for a while. You don’t think that he’ll take him to the underworld, do you?” Erica shook her head, bewildered; she didn’t see any reason why, unless of course, he had done something bad. No, no bad deeds then that must mean that, a shiver passed down Erica’s spine.
I didn't understand what you meant in that last part.

“Hannah, we must go. It’s been too long.” Hannah was still in denial, but it was time for her to face the facts. “Hannah, if I know Death.” Erica looked deep into Hannah’s eyes. “Then he must have something important for Tom to do.”

“But it’s not fair, Erica. What happened to forever being with your loved ones after death?” Hannah sobbed as she shrank to the dirt floor.

“Nothing is fair.” Erica tugged at Hannah, making her stand up, and all feelings of affection vanished in the blink of an eye.

The wall seemed to vanish and revealed the long winding tunnels that led into the underground.

“No, you will get too lazy. We walk.”

The silence was beginning to get uncomfortable. Hannah’s confused and hurt face made Erica start to feel guilty for snapping at her, yet she was too proud to apologize.

“Erica, where exactly are we going?” Hannah glanced nervously at the ceiling that seemed to go up for miles before revealing a speck of light at the top.
“Turn here.” Erica turned into another winding passage, nodding mutely to collectors who were passing by. “We are going to the chambers, there.” She paused to look at her watch. “You will decide whether you want to stay with your guardian, me, or go off on your own.”

Erica could not sleep. She tossed and turned in her bed, trying to get comfortable.

Erica felt the wall as she walked down the steps, being careful not to make a sound that would wake the sleeping collectors.
“Hannah!” She pulled her dressing gown tightly around her, startled when she saw Hannah sitting by the hard-packed dirt fireplace[color=#FF0000]. T[/color]he fire was burning brightly, making Hannah’s blonde hair shine and her bloodshot eyes glimmer.

“I’ve decided, Erica." Hannah was looking deep into the flames. “I’m going to stay with you. I don’t know the ropes as well as you do around here. I’m-I’m not sure what I would do without you to help me.”

Erica put her hand on Hannah’s arm, “You know what? I used to have a fiancé. Steven was his name.”

“Well he and I got kidnapped by a rebel group called the ‘Crimson Chaos’ and when my mother alerted the police about me after she got a ransom tape, they slit my throat.” She ignored the look of horror on Hannah’s face. “Then of course, they had to desert their hide out. Not having enough time to bury my body, they left it there to rot. I wasn’t met by a guardian, and I have no idea why.” Erica sighed, reliving the memories again. “Steven was later murdered. I never saw him again, but I later learned that Death had taken him for ‘classified reasons’. I never stopped loving him, you know, even after all these years without him.”

“I’m sorry, I never-" Hannah started.

“Don’t worry. Just don’t give up hope, okay? You’ll see him one day. We just need to have faith.”
They sat in comfortable silence for the rest of the night. Neither one realized when they dozed off in their armchairs.

Overall

As a whole, I thought that this was pretty good, Sweet. I really love the idea of it because it's original and I can see it going many places. Plus, there's something about death that amuses me. Ah... memories form my wannabe emo days. Your grammar did need a lot of help, but I think I've spotted more or less everything for you. I can't guarantee that all of it is correct because I am a little shabby on grammar myself, but I'm confident that most of it is.

Okay, my main issue with it at the moment is that, if I'm honest, I'm a bit confused on some details. The main thing that I'm unsure about is the train crash itself. I mean, there were no details. You mentioned the wonky track, then suddenly, everyone was dying/dead. What happened exactly? Did the train slide off the track, causing some of the carriages to dangle off a bridge or something? Did the train simply crash into a wall or a tunnel? What did it sound like? Look like? Maybe even smell like? Do you see what I mean? There aren't many details at all in that part which makes the scene more than a bit confusing.

There are some other confusing parts too, but the crash was the most confusing for me. Something else, for example, was when Steven was dying/being transported to the spirit world thingy. Hannah didn't hold his hand, then something weird happened, then he was fine? I'm just not too sure about what was happening in that scene either. Basically, I think there are some parts that could do with some more detail. I'm easily confusable, but I do think that it's not just me, this time.

The only other critique I have for you that hasn't already been mentioned is only a little one. I sometimes got confused with what character was being talked about sometimes. That was probably something that added to the overall confusion of the piece. Anyway, what I found was that you often used he, her, she, him e.t.c. a lot instead of the characters named themselves. For example, you used she a lot when both Erica and Hannah were in a scene, which often got me confused about who exactly you were talking about sometimes. Basically, be sure to use names as often as you can. Be careful not to use them too much though, if you do edit this.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Thanks for the reveiws guys, I'm too lazy to correct it right now but I will do it later.
xoxoxox Thank you!

Hiya!

The blood red sky danced off the twinkling white snow. The light dulled to a pale orange as the sun disappeared beneath the huge grey mountains. Realistically, it would be getting darker or blacker as the lighting became less.[/quote]

The journey continued on long and endless period- run-on sentence it was deathly still and the silence was unbearable. Only the occasional cough or sneeze filled in the emptiness of the closed closed-in in train.

Her senses increased period suddenly she was aware of the movements in the carriage, the mother the first to realize what was happening as she pushed her baby to her chest protecting it from the lurch as the train hit the wonky track, the business man’s gasp as he fell from his seat, a teenage girl as she grasped her boyfriends hand telling him she will never let go.

“Dammit!” She cursed, speculating why she had to endure such a task. Why could one of the others not do it? Why me? This is so unfair. But life is unfair even after death it is still unfair but that is what you get being a collector, you always have to deal with unfairness whether it be a young child being run over by a train his screams echoing across the station not knowing no one can help him while a mass murderer runs free of your grasp just as you feel him on the tips of your fingers and experience the tingling up your spine as you think over what death you shall put him through for ending all the innocent lives he took for his own sick pleasure or when thinking you can finally relax you land a job collecting the bodies of a stray bomb or plane crash. This is all one sentence!!! Read it aloud to yourself, and find where the natural pauses are.

I’m kind of confused about what Erica is and what she’s doing here. Is she collecting souls? How is she doing that? I don’t understand her purpose.
So that is the first thing you should try and clear up. Besides that, this is not a bad story. You have a few problems with run-on sentences, but the rest of your grammar is good. Just try reading your story aloud or in your head to find where you need to pause or breathe. Be sure to separate different thoughts into different sentences. Find out how to properly use hyphens or semicolons, that might help you too. There are plenty of help topics in the writing resources section here on YWS. If you have trouble finding them, please send me a message and I’ll be sure to help you out.
Keep writing.
~blacksheep