Young Writers Society

Day Zero
Sally gazes at herself in the mirror. Her reddish hair frames her healthy face nicely. It touches—just—her shoulder and her straight bangs tickle above her grassy green eyes. A splatter of dusky freckles decorates her button nose and rosy cheeks.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I don’t see the Sally I want to be. This Sally is... is fat. My face is almost as round as a large watermelon. My nose is pudgy, my arms flabby. I have wings! I take in the rest of my body. My stomach is bulky—I can grab rolls of fat. And my legs. When I slap their sides, they jiggle. They shouldn’t—they can’t—jiggle. Sally glances up to the corner of her mirror where a smaller poster of a thin model is.
I want to be that model. Thin and beautiful. I’m going to be her.

Day One
Sally rolls over and turns off her obnoxious alarm. Slowly, reluctantly, she forces herself to slip out of bed and take the few steps to her clothing closet. Opening the door, Sally realises she doesn’t feel comfortable wearing the tight, ripped jeans from Aeropostale nor the adorable Bluenotes printed tee.
I don’t want my friends, especially Sam, to see my rolls, my fat thighs, and my too-round face. I’m like a walking bowling ball!
Instead, Sally grabs an oversized black hoodie and an unflattering pair of baggy sweats advertising UVIC.
Stumbling downstairs to the kitchen, Sally is pleased to hear the house is silent. Her mother and father must have left for work already. It is no surprise for Sally—work usually did start at eight.
I think I’ll skip breakfast. I’m not that hungry.
With a protesting stomach, Sally rushes from the house. She forgets her lunch money.
Day Two
It’s lunchtime and the cafeteria is serving Sally’s favourite: tortellini and Alfredo sauce. Its lovely rich, creamy scent reaches Sally and she begins to salivate. She skipped breakfast again and she’s famished.
I can’t have any. I left my lunch money at home again and I’m not hungry.
With a false smile upon her face, Sally makes her way over to the table where all her friends are at. There’s her long-time best friend, Anna, her gym partner, Kerra. There’s also Anna’s boyfriend, Jason, Kerra’s best guy friend, Fabian. Everyone who knew Kerra knew that Fabian had been her crush for what seemed forever and everyone was certain Fabian felt the same about Kerra, but neither person thought about taking the initiative to ask the other out. It was actually a hilarious situation.
They look so good together, Kerra and Fabian.
Then was Sam with a saved, empty spot beside him for Sally. Her lovely wonderful boyfriend. He had the brightest, bluest eyes and the handsomest blond hair, eternally set in tight curls.
I’m so lightheaded, the way I always feel when I’m around my darling Sam. I’m sure I have the most idiotic smile plastered to my fat face and he’s too polite to tell me. Tell me that I look like a stupid fat person. I’m not too cowardly to point that out to myself, at least.
Sally sits down, snug to Sam. His arms wrap around her and they share a quick kiss as sweet sighs echo around the table. Sally pulls away gently, turning to her other friends, but Sam keeps a protective arm around her waist.
I wish I wasn’t fat.
“Sally,” Kerra starts, “where’s your lunch?”
I’m fat.
“Oh, I just forgot my money,” Sally says, smiling weakly.
I’m so fat.
“Well, you forgot yesterday as well,” remarks Jason. Anna nods in agreement, cozying up to him.
I’m so, so fat.
“Sally, you can share my tortellini,” Sam says, producing a bright smile that lights up his eyes even more.
I’m too fat. Obese. Disgustingly, grossly, obese. I can’t, Sam.
“That’s okay,” Sally replied, pretending to be distracted. Sam’s face darkens.
He’s suspicious.
“Sally. Eat,” commands the boyfriend. Frustrated, Sally snatches up Sam’s bowl of pasta. With her hands, she stuffs a handful of tortellini into her mouth. She swallows with great difficulty.
“You didn’t need to do that, Sally,” states Sam.
Fatty, fatty, fatty!
“One minute.” And Sally darts from the cafeteria.
FATTY!
She races down the hallways which is moderately full with people walking with their friends nowhere in particular.
Out. Out. Out.
Sally spots her target within minutes. Racing in, she pushes out a few girls with some threatening glares. Sally turns right, into an empty cubicle.
Out! Out!
A push to the back of the throat. A mush of tortellini in the toilet.

Day Five

Sally never again forgot her lunch money. From that mortifying moment in the cafeteria with her friends, Sally always remembered a large lunch, usually consisting of a sandwich, an apple or two, a juice box and a few cookies her mother had made. It satisfied her friends and gave them no reason to worry.
Sally had a schedule.
Eat the lunch.
Talk for five.
Make an excuse and leave the table.
Head to the toilets.
Vomit.
Head back to the cafeteria table, back to friends.

Day Twenty
Sally had clearly lost weight.
Fifteen pounds. Too little.

Day Forty-three
Sally looks for the millionth time, it seems, in the mirror.
I haven’t lost any weight! None! I’m still fat, fat, fat. This calls for more extreme measures.

Day Forty-four
At lunch this time, Sally brings a smaller lunch of half a sandwich and eats half a pack of seaweed. Then, making another excuse, she heads to the bathroom. Luckily, it’s empty.
Thank God the toilets are empty.
It’s now a methodical process. Sally sticks two fingers to the back of her throat. She waits and then impatiently goes in for another jab. There’s a gag and she removes her fingers. Within seconds, her tiny lunch is looking back at her in the plain white school toilet. A flush. Sally walks out only to find Sam there, waiting.
“Sam!” Sally exclaims, surprised. “What are you doing in here? This is the girl’s bathroom.”
“I’m scared for you, Sally. You’re so skinny. You’re...you’re stick thin, Sally.”
“I’m fat. I’m fat, Sam. Can’t you see it for yourself? Don’t tell me lies.” Sally walks over to sink. Starts to wash her hands.
“You’re tiny, Sally. You look like a skeleton.” Sam says, not yet turning to face his girlfriend.
Silence.
“Sally! Speak!”
Silence.
“Sally?” Sam turns only to see his girlfriend sprawled on the floor, unconscious.
Can’t. Breathe. Trapped.

Oh my God! I loved reading this so much. It's totally relevant; that's what most girls do today to look thin. I liked how Sally lost so much weight, but still thought she was fat. It shows how obsessed she was with that. Also, the things you wrote in italics emphasized a kind of desperation.
The thing I think drew me most into the story is that I could relate very well to the protagonist and I think many people will, because that's what we all want to be - thin and good-looking.
Also the way it was written was very catchy; it made you read on and never get bored. I think you should continue writing in this style.
The grammar was - I guess - immaculate. The only thing that attracted my attention was :

handsomest

most handsome
And that's all. You're a very talented writer. Continue pursuing this career! =]
~Nadia

Hi there!

I really liked this, it's quite a common topic but you pulled it off very well. I loved the way you put Sally's thoughts it italics, it really outlined her desperation.
Just a few things:

It touches—just—her shoulder and her straight bangs tickle above her grassy green eyes.

That first bit sounds quite strange to me, I had to read it twice to understand it properly. Maybe get rid of the dashes between the words.

Sally makes her way over to the table where all her friends are at.

I'm not too fond of the 'where her friends are at' bit, I suggest just leaving it at 'Where her friends are'. As you wish, though :]

I’m so lightheaded, the way I always feel when I’m around my darling Sam.

'My darling Sam' sounds quite awkward to me. It's quite an old-fashioned way of saying it, making Sally sound much older than she is. Perhaps change it to something more current, like : 'my gorgeous Sam'.

I wish I wasn’t fat.
“Sally,” Kerra starts, “where’s your lunch?”
I’m fat.
“Oh, I just forgot my money,” Sally says, smiling weakly.
I’m so fat.
“Well, you forgot yesterday as well,” remarks Jason. Anna nods in agreement, cozying up to him.
I’m so, so fat.

I love this bit! You did a great job on showing how her mind was tormenting her.

“Sally! Speak!”

It might just be me, but I think this would sound better as "Sally! Say something!" I find that "Sally! Speak!" sounds a little too commanding.

Well, that's all for the nitpicks. Really the only thing I can critisice about this is that a few of the sentences were a little awkward, but apart from that it's great. A very gripping story, good job!

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

~Lilicia

Hiya Laavi! I'm here to review.

I'm sorry I've taken a while to get to this but I'm here nonetheless. Now, I'm not really going to go into depth with any nitpicking but I do have some points in which I'd like to point out to you. Hopefully they help you out. ^__^

Her reddish hair frames her healthy face nicely. It touches—just—her shoulder and her straight bangs tickle above her grassy green eyes

This quoted part right here needs some work. First of all, the use of the word 'reddish' isn't really...well, professional in this case. When describing something how would you feel if I said the apple is reddish? It's like saying it's red but then not red so sorta red? Sorry, I fail at describing things but hopefully you see what I mean here. I would change the 'reddish' to just 'red' or something else like amber, fiery, crimson or something of that nature. Also, I don't exactly understand why you have hyphenated the 'just' part there.

With a false smile upon her face, Sally makes her way over to the table where all her friends are at. There’s her long-time best friend, Anna, her gym partner, Kerra. There’s also Anna’s boyfriend, Jason, Kerra’s best guy friend, Fabian. Everyone who knew Kerra knew that Fabian had been her crush for what seemed forever and everyone was certain Fabian felt the same about Kerra, but neither person thought about taking the initiative to ask the other out. It was actually a hilarious situation.

This bit right here feels a bit info-dumpish. We only need a few names and only the important ones that will be more engaged with the story. Also, this Fabian crush, why do we have to know him? The bit of 'humor' (I dunno what else to call it) in this part doesn't match up with the story either, in my opinion. I feel like it's a bit of a forced situation too. Perhaps you could cut this out or at least give us more of Sally's thoughts here.

Alright, as far as grammar and punctuation you're pretty solid. I mean, there's nothing serious besides a few words which I felt were a little weird but they've been pointed out and whatnot so I won't really go into that. I think your story is quite interesting. The idea of a bulimic girl is sad and I'm glad you decided to write a story about it. I think you could have taken a step further and tried to explain her condition a little more but it's still good. It hurts to think that women have to have this kind of mindset that they have to be 'model' material when half the models are photoshopped, fake. -.- Anyway, let's not get into that. . .

I want to talk about the beginning first, I thought your introduction was weak. You started with an explanation of a girl's character and her thoughts on how 'fat' she is. I wish it was a little bit more powerful, something that perks the interest with more than a nudge. Try playing around and see what makes the readers feel more. Also, I'm not sure how to visualize Sally. You see, she thinks of herself as fat but that's her mind speaking, in reality she could just have a few extra pounds or belly fat that doesn't even seem like much but she could be making a big deal out of it so I'm not sure exactly how 'big' she actually is in reality. Perhaps you can make that part a little more clear.

Since we're still on the introduction, I have one more thing to say about that. It's too predictable. I knew what was going to happen just by putting the 44 days and the first two paragraphs together. It's not that hard but maybe you could have
made it less predictable somehow. I'm not sure exactly how we could do that but if I think of something, I'll let you know. Haha.

Another thing, the description seemed to be 'cut short' in here. I felt like you had some nice descriptions in a few parts but then it became less and then it turned into just stating things without anything quite special. You might want to work on that a little bit and try to paint it a little more colorfully. Don't get me wrong, there were some nice descriptions in here which I loved too.

Also, what led Sally into believing that she wasn't perfect? Was it just the magazines that she continued to look at and admire the skinny toothpicks in there or did someone call her 'fat'? Maybe you should take a second or two to dig into the reason she became the way she is and what led to the downfall of this character in the end run. Right now, I'm not sure why she's acting like this so a little help in that area can make this story more believable and could also make readers feel more pity for her.

As for the ending, I think it was surprisingly short and 'bam'. I want to know exactly what happened to her...
I'm thinking she fainted right? If so, I think you could have given us some more of her thoughts in the end and sort of like maybe a reflection of what she is or something. I want to know what she's thinking on the inside too. Does she doubt anything that she's doing?

Overall, I did enjoy reading this story very much Laavi. Even with all that said you did a fairly good job putting it together. I like how it's easy to relate to and smooth to get into with no deep, tear emotional weirdness that drags the story down. Your writing style is pretty neat too - What can I say about a published author? ^.^
Anywho, in the the end I think the main thing you need to work on is to make this Sally more powerful and add some more thoughts and information regarding her. I thought her character was slightly leaning towards the 'flat' side. No pun indented but you know what I mean. If you have any further questions or want to rant to me about anything specific, feel free to send me a PM. =3

All the best,
-Pinkou

Helloo!! Your story is written really well : ) It seems like a real person. I like how you had the thoughts in her head and showed the emotions that she was feeling and how she saw herself as fat when she really wasnt. It was really interesting too, I wasn't waiting for it to end, it was good to read. Keep writing Your really good at it