Young Writers Society

The line of reality
stretches it's black streams
of darkness over me.

It carrasses my mind
inserting memories
telling me things.

It told me that my childhood
was way to innocent,
that it was going to break that little joy.

I wondered how
it could break the bubble
but it did.

It brought me love
it disguised it as happiness
I believed it was good.

It toyed with my bubble
scratched the edges
made a hole.

Love was bad
it made the hole bigger
slowly over time.

My bubble quavered
with sorrow
from the lying cheater
that the darkness blessed me with.

It took away the happy trust
I was born with
that the light had allowed me to keep.

It showed me the darkness
let me thrive in it
roll in it and suffer.

It introduced new things
that my innocence
never knew.

I had to cope
had to make the pain
of love go away.

It oozed in my blood
I wanted it gone
this new darkness I couldn't control.

I tried to slice
it out of me
leaving behind the scars of futile work.

Cope, all I have to do
is cope.
More love?

Drugs? Coping?
Yes!
I can't remember the darkness.

I'm numb
I can't remember anything.
I'm coping and it's good.

Caught? No!
I need to cope.
Or do I?

The darkness plays
in my open wounds,
thriving in the pain.

Tears? I can feel them
are they real?
No, just blood.

New love
more darkness?
Or is it the light I want back?

Your beautiful,
I love you,
I won't leave you.
LIES!

Hurt, pain, darkness.
Cheater
Liar, I'm a fool.

Bubble?
Popped...
Emptyness?

What now?
I'm broken
my bubble is in pieces.

God?
Fullness?
Mercy?
Can you heal me?

Yes?
You can take away the darkness?
Take away the pain?

Fighting off the darkness
is hard
but I want the pieces
put back together.

I don't want to cope
I don't want that.
I want to deal.

I want love to mean
something beautiful,
not something dark.

I believe I can do it
but not alone.


I listen to Gods comforting words
I let them lead me
and I try to follow them.

Could this be it?
The answer to my pain?
Yes.

Loved it!
I saw you had no comments on your poem and after reading it, I couldn't figure out why. It's a brilliant poem, long but I wrote long poems too. I love long poems, as I think they show great talent for continuation of rhythm and rhyme.

Very well done!

I really liked this considering I usually don't have time for legthy poems. My only point is to watch 'your' and 'you're' you got mixed up once or twice. Oh, and be careful on using few word lines, they can be effective but after a while they may become tedious.

This was great! The length is good too, I agree. I think your flow is amazing and the rhyming is good.
Also, vocabulary was fantastic. Keep writing!

Heya, Flow.

I've just done a review on a poem and it was absolutely terrible... I want to warn you that I can't say that this review will be much different. Nonetheless, I'm determined to review this better than the last poem I reviewed!

Okay, after reading over it properly, there is one thing I noticed, but it's only minor. The story of the poem is something like this, right? The narrator starts off with her innocent childhood, she meets a boy, he's unfaithful to her, she turns to drugs, then God leads her back in the right direction? Correct me if I'm wrong. Most of those transitions are subtle and flow into each other well, but the one I'm having a bit of a problem with is the turning to drugs one.

Cope, all I have to do
is cope.
More love?

Drugs? Coping?
Yes!
I can't remember the darkness.

I don't know... It just seems a bit sudden to me. Like, too in your face. What I think you should do is to be more vague about it. Obviously, this is more of a personal opinion kind of thing because you may want the transition to be blunt. I can understand why you might want it to be blunt as well, but hey, this is just a suggestion.

I wondered how
it could break the bubble
but it did.

It brought me love
it disguised it as happiness
I believed it was good.

It toyed with my bubble
scratched the edges
made a hole.

Love was bad
it made the hole bigger
slowly over time.

This is the transition where you show that the narrator falls in love. If you take a look at this, it's quite a few stanzas longer than the drugs transition. I don't think I'm making any sense here... but I hope you can kind of figure out what I'm trying to say here. Obviously, you don't have to agree with me on this, but it's just a suggestion.

Other than that, everything looks good. I'm sorry I haven't been much help, like usual... but hey, at least I came up with something. Let me know if you have any comments or questions after this review; I'll be more than happy answer them.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey ranter. Rantress. Ranterama! One big rant. But that's ok, at least you did it in a beautiful way. (I rhymed there, you see it! Of course you do.)

The only bad thing I have to say about this is that you repeat a lot. He broke your heart, now you're full of darkness, blah blah. You keep saying it. If you deleted all the repetition your poem would be half the length it is now. I would add in more parts about your resolution, because that would be the part that readers would want to read about it. Mostly because it's uplifting, but also because it's like advice.

Anyways, the end is sort of depressing. The speaker seems to be telling us the story of how she had her heart broken by a guy, and is now depending on a guy to heal her of that broken heart. I don't like that much, but it is extremely realistic, so I guess that's alright. It would be nice to have a part after this saying that the speaker came through. That might, in turn, help you with your own problems, because I'm pretty sure this poem is a rant written about the problems you had with your past boyfriend. If you have the poem end happy, you might feel better.

But this was fun to read. It was simple, not much to think about; everything was said bluntly, which is nice to read sometimes. But I'd go deeper with this if you could. Really pour your guts out. Don't just tell us the feelings you have on the surface, because we already know what that feels like. It would be nice to hear some thoughts, or maybe turn it into an unrealistic fantasy thing. Or turn it morbid. Make the speaker cut herself. Because we all know that happens in real life...

All I'm saying is that you need to add a little bit more you into this poem. I have read this poem many times before. Not the same wording, but the same concept with the same ending. It isn't anything that stands out, but it isn't bad either. It's just a poem. I'd like to see a twist, something out of the ordinary. Something to make it original and more interesting to read.

Keep writing,

Classy

WOW!! another wonder....where do you get such innovative ideas...it takes me months to get an idea!!!! Your poems are just beyond things....Wonderful writing again!!.. You'll keep writing stuff...and i'll keep commenting and loving it.....

I really liked your flow and wording, I think you have a great way with writing words out. The only thing I didn't really like is the word "bubble" but that's just me lol, for me it seemed such a less important word so it seemed to take away the emotion in the poem for me. I wouldn't suggest you change it though only unless you wanted too. The poem is lovely though otherwise, even if the length is very long.

Hope that helps you in anyway possible.

x

That was really good. How long have you been writing? If your like me it'd be around 7 years, you should really publish them.