"Oh shit," Katiana swore. She stood up again from the toilet seat, legs arching far apart. She ripped out another stick from its silvery packet and repeated her actions, silently praying that the first time was just a mistake.
It must have been. It had to have been.
But no, the result was still the same – on both identical sticks, a red lane ran thick and clear through the small screen.
Red line meant positive. Positive meant pregnant.
Katiana threw the sticks to the ground, fuming. Flushing the toilet behind her, she pulled up her flowing floral-patterned miniskirt to her waist and stormed out into the hallway, not even bothering to wash her hands.
Fuck them all.
As she was walking down, she passed a battered wooden chair that had been thrust carelessly to the side some years ago, never to be used again. She briefly contemplated kicking it against the wall with her foot, but then realised that she was now responsible for another individual's life. She could no longer go about acting as she pleased.
Responsibility. Who the hell would give her responsibility? Was this karma's twisted way of laughing in her face? Punishing her for not being cruel to others, but to herself?
Being fake?
Needless to say, Katiana did not kick the chair. Her jaw hardened and she bit her French-manicured nails into her palms, emitting an involuntary low growling sound from the back of her throat.
"Kat darling, is everything okay?" drifted her mother's concerned voice out from the kitchen.
"Yes," Katiana replied through gritted teeth. She quickly snatched a long charcoal cardigan from the coat rack and left the house, shutting the door behind her with a loud slam.
It was a beautiful day – the sky was cloudless for the first time in many weeks, and the sun filtered through to the glistening grass and leaves, jovial and cheery as ever.
Great.
The scent of the neighbour's barbeque from the night before lingered in the air. Katiana slipped on the cardigan with a forced calmness, trying not to allow the hot and spicy aroma get to her.
It drove her insane, that smell. Everything that was brought to the extreme – food, people, clothing, everything – would inevitably drive her insane.
And she was pregnant, which was probably the most extreme one could ever get in the dull and mechanised life of her seventeen-year-old glory. Hooray.
Though the street Katiana lived on was usually deserted, several people had decided to take a walk out on this uncharacteristically bright day. Across the road, taking a turn out from her view, two old ladies with matching double chins hobbled in sync, donning large sunhats. They must have been twins. It was almost comical how ridiculously identical they both looked.
But at least they weren't pregnant, Katiana reminded herself bitterly. No, they weren't pregnant. Just fat.
Katiana took a left turn into a busy road, her black strappy heels making a distinct clacking sound against the pavement. Her mind buzzing alive with Chemistry formulas, she walked everywhere that her vision took her – the shaggy golden retriever puppy with no owner across the road, the ugly stump of what was once a large and thriving evergreen tree. Two boys balancing on skateboards - ten or eleven years old perhaps - their milky arms tainted with an ugly inflamed sunburn rash.
Katiana sighted a patch of fresh untouched grass, still glowing with morning dew. She purposefully treaded over it, making sure to squash the green shoots with the pointy heels of her shoes.
Ten minutes later, she found herself at the front door of a stately mansion. It was strange how such a large place like this was situated uncannily close to the relatively miniscule slums of her ordinary fading house.
Just like the weather, the front door was stunningly bright. Too bright. Katiana scowled and rung the bell, but nobody answered.
She remembered clearly her first visit to this place. It was night time, and she was to meet his parents for the first time. Katiana had wasted many hours eagerly anticipating that day. Wanting to make the best impression, she had dressed conservatively, applying no makeup save for a light sheen of lip gloss and slipping her honey blonde hair into a low ponytail.
What a waste. All for nothing.
The thought of her looking forward to meeting his parents almost made her laugh out loud. She would laugh now, but someone would hear.
They would. They heard everything, didn't they?
Upon opening the door, his mother ran her eyes down Katiana's figure once and had immediately pulled her away to the side garden. She made no secret of her ill sentiments, curling her bright red lip up in distaste. Her grip around Katiana's arm was cold, and her fingers were skinny, hard and knobby.
You are only young, she had hissed behind those oversized black sunglasses. She took off the glasses and folded the legs back with three slow fingers, scrutinising Katiana with a critical gaze. Her small beady eyes pierced deep, and at that time – just for those few moments – Katiana had felt more exposed and alone than ever. Do not forget that I can destroy you as easily as you were made. A pause. Then, Do not do anything to my son. Roy is a good boy. He doesn't need whores like you leading him astray.
Still standing at the door, waiting for somebody to answer her call, Katiana laughed bitterly. Oh, the irony.
*
Finally, after waiting for more than five minutes, the door swung open. Katiana was surprised to see that it was Roy who answered – in the past, it had always been his mother. Mrs. London always found a way to know everything about Roy's life – all his friends and enemies at school, his relationships, the grades he received and even what sport he played on Thursday evenings.
Katiana was momentarily thrown off balance. There was a faint ringing in her ears.
"Yes?" Roy said rudely.
She parted her lips but could not seem to bring herself to say anything.
Roy glared at her. Don't waste my time, he seemed to be saying.
Katiana swallowed hard. "I…" she started, pausing to run her tongue over her lips. "I just wanted to say hello." She smiled weakly as something black and evil settled at the pit of her stomach.
Coward. She was too scared to tell him.
It was just like how she was too scared to end their relationship. Instead, she waited for him to become bored and dump her himself. It was bound to happen someday or another, but so far it hadn't – her round breasts, soft lips and slender legs were forever entertaining and simply too good to pass on.
What would she do if she angered his family? Where would she be without them?
So one fortnight ago, when Roy had wanted to do something new, something far different from everything that she had ever experienced before, Katiana did not complain. She simply closed her eyes and let him.
And then she ended up with this.
Roy jerked her out from her thoughts. "Well, hello," he replied. He began to display more than just a mild interest in her shapely hips and shoulders. "Come to my bedroom?"
He was blunt, so straight to the point. Everything between them was just like business.
Katiana's lips flattened into a hard, straight line. "Sure," she said, and allowed herself to be led by his hand into the grand manor. The quiet chirping of two brown sparrows faded away as the door was shut, and the key turned.
Coward. It will rot her away.
*
Katiana smiled timidly at Roy as he saw her out of the house. "Bye," she whispered.
"Bye," he replied. His voice was loud and intruding, sending a shiver down her spine.
A cold shiver, like ice piercing her insides.
Katiana tucked her now-loose hair behind her ear. Play the part. She licked her lips. They had been very dry lately.
"When will I see you again?" Roy asked.
"When do you want to see me again?" Katiana countered playfully.
"How about tomorrow night? You can sneak in after dinner."
Tomorrow. Katiana exhaled through her nostrils and closed her eyes briefly before smiling again and fluttering her lashes. "Tomorrow it is, then." She flipped her hair and swivelled around. There was a bounce in her step as she walked down the path, past the gardens and large stone grey statues. "Bye!" she called out to him over her shoulder, and blew a light kiss.
So fake. So pathetic. Even Roy couldn't help but smirk. He probably believed that he had her wrapped around his finger.
Which he did, really. Just not in the way he thought.
When Katiana reached her house again, she stopped outside to examine it for several moments. The smooth and sturdy beige walls of the structure stretched over two stories. There were six glass windows – one was a large oval shape, and the other five were ordinary, average-sized squares. That was all.
It was nowhere near the stateliness and grandeur of Roy's, she thought glumly, but it was still something. There were no crumbling foundations, strangling weeds or patches of flaking paint. At least she could say that the house was passable.
Katiana walked inside and immediately headed to the kitchen. No one was there, so her mother must have gone out to work. The large clock on the wall ticked loudly and persistently. Her footsteps echoed hollowly against the floor beneath her.
She pulled out one slice of grainy bread – very nutritious, full of complex carbohydrates – and spread on a thick layer of peanut butter. Peanut butter was relatively high in its sugar levels, but at least its unsaturated fats outbalanced its saturated fats. Katiana remembered a quote from her favourite blog: "Peanut Butter aids weight loss by significantly raising satiety levels". It was the same with multigrain bread: complex carbohydrates ensured a slow release of energy throughout the day.
She practically had the whole nutritional book memorised in her head.
But now that she was pregnant, pregnant – Katiana shuddered at the thought – she probably had to revise her knowledge of what foods were 'good' or 'bad'.
"Hang in there," she murmured softly to no one in particular, placing a gentle hand on her torso.
Could it hear her?
It? He, she. Or was it too early for that?
But nevertheless, hang in there, hang in there…
She still couldn't believe that she was pregnant. The full reality of it hadn't hit her yet. Her stomach was still flat and skinny, just like all her other friends. If it weren't for those morning sicknesses – God, those morning sicknesses – she probably would not have even realised until it was too late.
Maybe it would have been better that way. Katiana didn't know. All she could think of was the complexity and deception of life. She didn't want to sound like a philosopher, but she couldn't help it this time. Her friends would have laughed at her.
That was why she only asked questions in her head. No one laughed, no one judged.
Didn't they?
<3
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