Young Writers Society

Tequila Mockingbird.

Two Days Ago.

It was a view to be reckoned with; metal melded with human flesh, blood lay stagnant on asphalted ground, acrid smell of burning filled the air, and screams pierced the air. I watched dazed, as the siren whirred, and slowly people dispersed from around the car. I was in the passengers seat, and the front of the car had caved in on me.

I tried to scream but my lips felt as though they had been super-glued shut. I looked down at the rest of my body expecting some kind of response, but I was sorely disappointed. I was splayed across the passengers seat, my head was dripping liquid that I hoped was not my blood. There was an eerie silence in the car, none of the four occupants of the car-including me- were speaking, or even moving. Panic gripped me, but I subdued it, and refused to turn to the side to look at the driver's seat.

Why? This is too cruel for words, I thought. My eyes filled with tears that rolled down my face, ending on my lips, but I couldn't feel them so it didn't really matter. What had I brought upon myself? What did I think I had to prove? Why didn't I ever think before I acted? All these questions I asked myself, tossed and turned them in my mind until they became poison.

I could feel his presence growing even more obvious right next to me, but I didn't turn. Not even when he got cut out of the car, not even when everyone else got cut out of the car. Not even when I heard him scream, I didn't look. I didn't flinch. I heard him say my name -whimper- and I pretend I hadn't. Even if I had, how was I meant to talk to him, I couldn't. I was too busy praying, something I hadn't done in a while. A life for a life, I heard myself say, but it sounded like someone else.

I heard them hoist me onto a platform. I heard them talk, pump more oxygen into me, and then I felt myself slipping away. Soon I was gone, my mind empty.

-/-

"Adam Freeway, please make your way to the principals office." The loud, booming voice from the Intercom said. I heard a couple of 'Ooohs' and the guys high-fived me, knowing what I was going in for. Others -nerds- gave me scornful looks, whilst the rest stared at me with appraisal in their eyes.

A hush seemed to envelop the lunchroom as I swaggered out of the doors and headed for the Principal's office. Their silence said "He's going to get into trouble." in a sing-song voice that intruded on my thoughts. I sucked in a deep breath, cocked my head to the side, twisted my nervous grin to a smirk, reached for the door handle leading to the principal's office, and pushed it.

Agnes, the ancient receptionist/guard dog frowning disappointedly at me was the first sight that greeted me. Then the smell of moss, and sea water followed. I grinned at her, then tipped my head in her direction as I walked in to meet Mr Auckbar.

"...And so you see Mrs Freeway, what Adam has done requires an adequate punishment- Oh Adam, wonderful of you to join us." He said, a smile fixed on his face, -The bastard- gesturing to a chair opposite my mother.

I slumped into the chair, relaxing into it the way Dad would have done. Grinning at my mum's painful grimace. "Yo." I said, and somehow I could hear my mum's heart breaking.

"This is the kind of carefree behaviour that got you into this situation." Mr Auckbar said, his smile had faltered. "Mrs Freeway-"

My mother raised her hand to stop him, "Anita, please." She said in a pain stricken voice, her eyes fixated on me as I counted the patterns on the ceiling.

"Adam has always been a first rate student, this behaviour I think is his way of fitting in with his schoolmates. Children are very impressionable at this age." He said, including hand gestures as he spoke, he was getting even more excited as he spoke. "We think perhaps a couple of detentions will stop such behaviour, but if it happens again he will be suspended, and then expelled."

I watched mum's reaction to his verdict but it was blank, she was still staring at me her eyes blank and lifeless. She shook her head from side to side, and fear mixed with anxiety once again rippled through me.

"Yes sir. We understand, and are grateful for this chance." She said, picked up her bags and left the room. All without saying a word to me, but I didn't I care. I shouldn't, after what she did, she lied to me. She said he was dead, well he wasn't. He seemed very alive in the letters, his awkward handwriting filling the A4 paged paper. He spoke a lot about me, and asked about Sam. He spoke about the future, he was cool. Confident, he did some bad stuff, but he was all I wanted to be.

"Can I leave?" I asked Auckbar dismissively, and didn't wait for his answer as I stomped out. I was in a bit of a foul mood. How could she look at me like that? With that vacant disappointed stare, when she's lied to me most of my life. Telling me he skipped out on us, then crashing my dreams of a father that never was by leaving the note in her jewellery box when I went searching for money.

I sat in Mrs Tracey's class completely silent, ignoring questioning glances, and notes being passed to me. I ran out the class the moment the bell rang, and continued out of the front door. I saw the guys walk out with me.

"So...what's the verdict.?" Zach said, running to catch up with me.

"Couple of detentions, Auckbar's a prick, called my ma 'an all." I said, trying to shrug it off but I knew Zach noticed. He was just that kind of person to notice all your weak points, he also had a sixth sense for touchy subjects. I was probably second closest to him, not because he noticed stuff, but because he knew how to exploit his knowledge.

"Ouch that sucks on a massive level, mahn." Rick said, placing his arms around my shoulder in a jovial nature. "So what are we going to do?" He asked mid-twitch. He always wanted to be up to something, if he wasn't he twitched until he was doing something wrong. He also always seemed to be sipping on some kind of energy drink, I guess that sort of explained his annoying over-the-top personality.

Sam walked alongside Zack, but didn't say a word to me. He was always silent. He was at least a head shorter than all of us, and he was struggling with his schoolbag. He tried so hard to be invisible, and ended up doing the opposite. He had that kind of face that made you trust him, and look twice. He was the guy that guy begrudgingly admitted was weirdly attractive, although he looked like a girl at times.

Sam was the most venerable of all, all because he trusted too easily. He watched people, and did what they did. He was a great actor because he could take up peoples characters so easily. Sometimes when he chilled out, he did an amazing Agnes and Principal Auckbar meeting on a blink date sketch that got everyone laughing. He had a gift, he got everyone together, he made us all happy.

"Sammie, go home. Me and the guys have got to go places..." I said, walking away before I saw the same disappointed expression in his eyes.

"Wait, ma says I can't go home without you. I don't want her getting all worried about you, it's really upsetting ya know? But you don't give two shits, you're just being cool, getting drunk and getting into all type of shit." He said, and all in one breath. It's probably the most words I've heard him say outside of an acting sketch, or a show.

"Oh." I said, and kept on walking. He followed, and Rick began to twitch the more we walked to Drunken Prawn. The only bar in Wicked Wonder that served under aged students. It was owned by Shad, Zach's ex-girlfriends sister. Zach had a knack for having connections.

"That car is a beaut." Rick said, whistling in appreciation. The black BMW 5 Series, parked a couple of yards away from the bar gleaming in the sunlight was without a doubt one of the most beautiful pieces of machinery I have ever clapped my eyes upon. I was about to comment horror suddenly hit me like a bucket of lukewarm water. I knew what he was insinuating.

"No, not today." I said, walking towards the bar, hoping Zach would be on my side. Not with Sam around.

"Aww c'mon grow a pair Adam, we'll return it back." Zach said, a devilish gleam in his eye. And that's what it feels like when Zach goes completely against you.

I looked at Sam, pleading him to say no, I was doing this was him after all. "Ah, what's the harm." He said shrugging his shoulders, looking like...me. I grimaced and headed for the car along with them.

Sam was doing this on purpose. Being me.

"The door is probably loc-" I started, trying to dissuade them from doing this but Rick was already getting to work, and a sharp click announced the opening of the car door. "Or not."

"I can hotwire it, and Monsieur No Balls can drive." Rick said, tinkering with the car until something gave way. My heart was still thumping, I had done this so many times, dad had too. But Sam, he was- he wasn't- Oh forget it.

The car revved up with a vengeance, and they all stared at me, egging me on.

"No way, screw this. I'm leaving. Sam, mum's gonna be worried, let's go home." I said, ignoring Zach and Rick. There was no way I was endangering Sam, not today.

"No."

"No?"

Something in head gave away, and I could feel a headache coming on. Annoyed, I sat in the driver's seat unable to speak to Rick or Zach, for fear that I would lash out at them. I could feel a showdown coming on, a couple of punches, and Zach emerging the winner. But I would have proved my point, never put me in such a situation. Not while my brother is around, don't tamper with him, or me for your sick idea of fun.

The doors slammed shut, and I put the car in gear, we were driving in full force. Speeding through the car park.

"Adam, lets try the roads out." Sam said, laughter revebrating throughout the car.

"Don't get too excited." I growled, "We're having a talk after this."

I spun the car around, and out of the parking lot. The sound of traffic hit me, and cars swerved around me. It was like being in the Grand Prix only at a much slower speed. The guys were laughing, and Zach was sparking up a cigarette. Rick had his head out of the window, and was shrieking like banshee. I was peeved, annoyed, at breaking point.

"Stop it." I snarled, "We are in stolen car, you know? Keeping the noise down would be appreciated." I turned around to make my point. Then there was a crash, and the world went black.

-/-

Now.

Sitting in the hospital room with every single bit of your body bandaged isn't necessarily a good omen, but neither is the fact that nobody is speaking to you. Mum walks in and out, clutching onto her sleeves with a harrowed look in her eyes. I know it's bad news, and I know exactly what it is. Somebody died, it's common sense isn't it. The question is who?

Sometimes I feel like I should care a bit more, inject a bit more emotion into myself. But I can't, all the emotion is gone. I am unable to care, I'm numb, icicle-ated -if that's a word. I feel like i'm swimming in a desert, suffocating in the sands of time. I feel a tad over dramatic, but not dramatic enough to cry. I feel drained. I feel stupid, I feel like I should have listened.

"Sammie?" Mum says as she walks into the room. She has that look on her face that tells me that she's about to tell me the truth.

"I know." I say, and find myself crying. I'm numb from the inside out, he's gone. I knew it the second he was cut out of the driver's seat. My mum grabs me and throws me into an instant bear hug. She's crying, I'm crying. I don't know why, I don't hurt anywhere. Adam's gone.

He's gone.

He's gone.

The words keep echoing, and a vindictive voice says

And it's all your fault.

* * *

Sushi! Hammer time.

To start; the art of sentences.
Every sentence must portray a complete thought (let's ignore those strange 'techniques' they teach you in primary school.) Every verb needs a subject, or else it doesn't work. For example; "Peter flew," or "Tink danced in the trees." You can take everything away, but if you just have "Dancing in the trees," it doesn't make sense, because it doesn't specify who or what is dancing.
In this piece, I'll use the example "Grinning at my mum's painful grimace." - See what needs to be done to this to make it a complete sentence?
On that note: don't start sentences with 'and,' it's a connective, it's job is to connect things. Putting it at the start of a sentence is like hanging up a painting backwards.

The big speech bubble
Einsteins says 'if you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.' I'm not very good with speech, so I don't know how to sum it up in an understandable way except to teach by example. Make note of what Einstein said. Speech in stories is a quote of what your character says, and so all the rules apply as they would a quote, in which case, you just have to stick to the basic rules of writing. Capital letters only come at the start of sentences, which is why 'if' doesn't have one. You only use full stops to end sentences, and only use them at the end of a quote if the quote finishes the sentence. It helps to have a pause before the speech or quotation, but that's not obligatory.
In your work; '...silence said "He's going to get into trouble." in a sing-song voice...' should be '...silence said "he's going to get into trouble," in a singsong voice.'
Punctuation in speech is a sticky little thing, so I usually rephrase things in order to avoid using it as much as possible.

Repitition, repitition!
A teeny thing that makes quite a difference. You should always do a run-through of your work to check for repitition, since it's easy to overlook in your own work, but it sticks out to your reader. I found at least three examples in which the repitition of a root word or phrase comes within four lines of eachother. Just for a bit of practice I'll let you find them

The beginning
Your character is lying in a car after a car crash. Two things stood out to me.
1) "I tried to scream but my lips felt as though they had been super-glued shut" - this is a cliched and slightly amature phrase, compared to the quality of the rest of the piece. I can't really understand what that feeling would be like. It might be better if he tries to scream, but can't make a sound, that's the most common effect of trauma.
2)Why doesn't he get out the car? Is he pinned down by something, is he in too much pain, or is he just in so much shock that he doesn't even think to move?
This beginning part is a great scene, you just need to dive into your characters position a little more.

Positives:
'A life for a life,' I love this line. You started with quite a graphic introduction, but blended it so well with the emotional impact. That line is very subtle, but still very powerful.
'Receptionist/guard dog,' great description. I like how you described the principal too, and the way he moves. You've really brought all of the characters to life.
The twist - fantastic twist. You successfully switched time frames and viewpoints without making the whole thing fall apart, a technique I wish I could grasp.

Overall I love this! Keep up the good work

Hiya, Anger! I'm finally reviewing one of your works. And I think I have three things for you...

1. Differentiate the perspectives

You have two first-person perspectives here, from two different people. They sound exactly the same. I'd really like to be able to hear a difference between the two voices. You can accomplish this by watching your word choice and the structures you use. They're different ages, right? That could be reflected in the perspective.

It doesn't have to be anything drastic, mind. I think a drastic difference would detract from the story. Buuuut, some difference would add to it. It would make the twist at the end resonate more because we wouldn't just be told that hey, we're in Sammie's perspective now. It'd be shown.

So, yeah--to accomplish this, be persnickety with the word choice. As a lame example, someone who calls a man a "dude" no matter how he's dressed is different from the one who would never dare to commit such a verbal error as to call someone a "dude," right? Not that either Sammie or Adam are the latter case, but hopefully that illustrates my point.

2. On a related note, I also didn't exactly get teenage boy radiating from either of them. I didn't exactly get teenage girl, either, and you made some good moves with some of the dialogue... but it could still be extended, I think. Again, word choice. It's not necessarily about getting a guy's voice right as much as it is getting Sammie and Adam's voice right, but still... I wasn't getting joyriding teenage badboys.

2. Make it more concise. You have some superfluous details--the details of the friends in particular, the friends who are hardly important at all. Get rid of 'em superluous details.

Focus in on what you wrote the story. Focus in on what effect it is you want to have. Does it matter what Sammie is feeling (I'd advise against using the verb 'to feel,' by the way. It's obvious he's feeling it if he's mentioning it.) there are the end? You know, no me. Is it the relationship between the two brothers? Or is it the fact that Sammie proposes to steal the car and his brother dies as a result?

I don't know. But, whatever it is, make that the core of the story and mold the details to fit around it. Ask yourself if details are adding to the story or just sort of loitering in the story's breathing space.

And, now... addressing some of the things Tenyo said.

1. You're more than welcome to use sentence fragments in your prose. Just make sure you want it to be a fragment.
2. You're more than welcome to begin sentences with an 'and.' But be picky about it. I myself am far too fond of beginning sentences with conjunctions (just look at this review) but a few here and there can have a good effect, sometimes.
3. I agree about the opening description. 'Tis a great scene but the description could be revved up a first. My advice here is to describe what actually happens, not what you think ought to happen.

In regards to that last note, I'm going to steal an example from one of my favorite writers. In a class, a student had used the cliche description of, "His muscles rippled through his shirt?" My favorite writer mentor, a teacher at the time, responded with, "Really now?" The student got defensive and said, "Yes they did! They got so big they seemed as if they were going to burst right through the seams!" At which point the student got it.

So, be honest with the descriptions. No need to embellish.

And, with that, I think I'm off. Let me know if you have any questions! I possibly made no sense at all.

Rach