Young Writers Society

Six:
Everything is possible for him who believes. Mark 9:23

A shrill scream, pulled Ava out of her deep sleep. She sat up, knocking Kevin’s arm to the side.
“Help!” the voice repeated, closer.
“Kevin wake up,” Ava said, shaking him roughly, then stood up. The sounds of horses were gaining and suddenly, Ava felt a fear grip her stomach, holding it tight in its iron fist. Kevin jumped awake, rolling over to look up at Ava sleepily. “whads tha matta?” he said, his voice slurred. She ignored the question, pulling him to his feet. “Just come on,” she urged, pulling him behind her. Then she hesitated. Should we help that person? She thought, old doubt clouding her mind. She shook her head, trying to clear the mental image of that girl,Nina, her hair as crimson as the blood flowing from her wound lay dying as she did nothing to save her. The scream, louder and closer this time, rent the air. “Kevin’s eyes popped from a sleepy half-open state, to full attention focused on that scream. “Ava that’s-” she cut him off “it doesn’t matter who it is, but the question is, do we help or run?”
He looked at her, obviously shocked at the question. “Help of course!” he said, shaking his head in shame. “I can’t believe you even needed to ask that-” She ignored him, running towards the sound, pulling her sword from her dress. Kevin followed, close behind, pulling his dagger from his shoe. They knew this routine. They had been thrown into this before, with fatal results. As Ava rounded a tree, the memory of the last time the Alt-bringers were thrown into battle without preparation popped into her head. She had looked so pretty. Her white prom dress, the flaming scarlet hair flowing down her back, matching the warm, crimson blood spurting from the large gash in her side, staining the beautiful gown. She was dying and Ava, stunned did nothing to save her. Ava felt fear and tears bubble in her chest. What if this time, Kevin dies, or I die? She thought; her hands shaking as she raised her sword. “Wait!” she said out loud, reaching up to halt Kevin. “Put your dagger away. Let’s go see what the matter is first.”
He looked at her, first in disbelief, then understanding. They slipped their weapons into their hiding spots and then stepped out of the circle of trees, onto the road, where a large cart was trundling, surrounded by armed guards. And on top, where chained prisoners sat, hunched, were Tatiana and Greg.
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Ava’s heart, jumped into her throat. What are they doing here? Her mind screamed, over and over again. How did they get into this world? Ava grabbed Kevin’s hand and gripped, only to feel he was shaking as well. They looked at each other, a silent conversation passing between them. They stood there, frozen while the cart slowed to a stop in front of them. Tatiana, checking sigh sight of them, screamed, “Ava! Kevin! Help us!” Greg whipped around, his face hard and cold with pain. He mouthed something, a word Ava didn’t catch.
“Who are you?” one of the soldiers surrounding the cart said, stepping forward till he was nose-to-nose with Kevin, ignoring Ava completely.
“Travelers,” Kevin replied stoutly, glaring the soldier down.
“Go on your way. There is nothing to see here.” another shouted from the other side of the cart.
“But that’s our friends you’re carrying!” Ava burst out, taking a step towards the cart.
“And what do we care? They attacked us on the road, demanding to know where we had taken a dame named Ava and a lad named Kevin.” The soldiers said their names slowly, curling his lip in the effort to say them correctly.
“That’s us!” Kevin said, stepping forward the edge of the cart, past the ring of guards.
“Well then you can hop right up there with em’ can’t ya’?” a soldier, with a southern accent said, his arm flourishing.
Kevin stuck his hand into his boot, slowly drawing out the dagger. “Oh I don’t think I will thanks.” he said, standing up, his knife out in full view. “I’m perfectly fine right here. And if you don’t let those people go, there are going to be some problems.”
Ava flinched, anger at Kevin and fear for Kevin coursing through her veins. Why is he so stupid? Why can’t he keep his mouth shut? Because’ another voice sang in her head. ‘Because that’s his weakness. There’s his weakness for you and his weakness for his friends.’
Kevin doesn’t have a weakness for me… she thought desperately, he can’t-
Her thoughts were cut short by Kevin shouting “Ava! I could use some help!”
She looked up, startled and found a full-fledged riot broke out at her feet. Quickly, she drew her sword, swinging, back and forth, her perfect strokes cutting warriors left and right. Adrenaline coursed through her veins, powering her fighting skills. Then it was over. She and Kevin, stood at the top of a small mound of wounded bodies.
But Ava didn’t care. Her eyes had found a sight that tore at her heart, causing tears to well up in her throat. Tatiana lay, her long brown hair flowing down her cheeks, her white tee-shirt soaked in blood. This is da ja vu. she thought, rushing to her side. This has happened to me before. Titi, her face pale from blood loss, looked at Ava, starry eyed. “I see the light Ava,” she whispered her eyes losing focus, then coming back again.
“Titi!” A new voice, a male voice, a voice full of pain now rent the air. And then Greg had pushed Ava aside, and was kneeling at her side, kissing her, slowly, long and sweet. “don’t die,” he said into her neck, tears cascading freely down his face. “don’t leave me.”

But she had, Tatiana McSouthers had died. Just like her older sister, Nina McSouthers had, on the night of her prom, the night her love finally kissed her.

Hi!

So, while I think this is a very interesting chapter, I think it interrupts the flow of the story.

It's just very abrupt and unexpected with how the story has been going so far, and I'm actually quite confused although I've followed your writing. I think a big thing is the sudden introduction of Nina is very abrupt. It seems like you just kind of shoved Nina into the story, instead of gracefully drawing her in. Why, exactly did the scream immediately make Ava think of Nina? Instead of just going with:

She shook her head, trying to clear the mental image of that girl,Nina, her hair as crimson as the blood flowing from her wound lay dying as she did nothing to save her.

You should start slowly. Like... Ava heard the scream and it sounded familiar to her; she remembered a night where she had heard a similar sound. This way, you establish the reason why Ava thought of Nina, and you introduce her slowly instead of just blurting out her name. Right now, it just seemed jarring to me and detracted from the overall experience - I was thinking a lot about Nina. So much that I was too confused to really pay attention to Greg and Tatiana.

Next, this line:

Then it was over. She and Kevin, stood at the top of a small mound of wounded bodies.

I have to remind you that you want to keep the pace slow during action scenes. A line like 'Then it was over' just cuts out the action and jumps to the next scene without a smooth transition. How was it 'over'? Didn't the soldiers fight back at all? Did Ava get hurt, or even scratched? Were there any close calls? How did she feel when she was fighting, aside from the adrenaline? Was she very focused or distracted by her friends? Details, please, details!

Alright, let's look at Tatiana's death. I found that scene to be very cliche. You know, I see the light, and then her love begging her not to die. How many times have we seen that before? Cliche would be fine if there was enough detail and emotion to accompany it. Her death seemed kind of... bland, for a lack of a better word. It didn't feel emotional enough to me, although something like a death kind of has to be emotional! What was happening to Ava? Was her heart pounding? Did she feel numb? Was she crying? Additionally, I think the line But she had, Tatiana McSouthers had died. also detracts from the scene. It's just very boring. She had died. You could try something more gripping and descriptive: for example, But it was too late - even as Greg begged her to live, Tatiana's chest rattled as she laboured to take in breath. A strangled sound slipped past her lips as her body gave up the fight, and Tatiana fell still. Maybe my sentence isn't that great, but you get the idea. (:

Also, I think you should give Nina some importance here. Is she just present as a memory, or does she have some significance later on? I don't really like the idea of just having her memory in this one chapter, just to accompany Tatiana's death - but it's up to you. If she is important, give us a hint that there's something more to her than just this.

I'll remind you again to please carefully read through and look at your punctuation around dialogue. Capitals, commas, all that good stuff.

Overall though, very good. I'm glad you're taking chances with your characters and making them suffer. It makes for a great read, and I am definitely seeing the improvement in your writing.

Til ch 7,
Pari!

Your pace is so fast, slow it down! We just found out Greg and Titi were in this world, and then she dies not one page later. Also, you bring up her older sister’s death out of the blue. It seems like a cheap attempt and making Titi’s death symbolic. You can’t just say ‘Titi’s dead, and oh yeah her older sister died this exact way’. That how fast you brought it out. It has no emotional impact because it hasn’t had enough time to register.

The fight scene was over too quickly. It’s not believable that Ava, a girl, can cut down several armed men and have no injuries. How does she fight? How did she wound them? And for that matter, tell us how Kev did. And why wasn’t Greg protecting Titi? How come she didn’t scream or shout for help, or pain when she got hurt? It doesn’t add up to me.

So yeah, not a lot of this made sense. Slow it down, and it will makes things a little clearer.

Hey there Pointe,

Well, what to say? You already got two great reviews.

I'm not sure what I can tell you that I haven't said throughout all your other chapters: slow down your pace, let us get to know your characters. Don't spring something like a long-forgotten death on us out of the blue.

Why do we care whether her friends are dead or not, if we didn't get to know them before? If you told me that your friend had suddenly died in a car crash, I'd be sad for you that you lost a friend. But I can't even FEEL for Ava, because I don't even know her that well.

Slow down your pace, give us more description, show us the surroundings. Research more the time period if you must, to make it more believable.

Your story has a good basis. The idea of it is good. Let us love it as much as you do.

Tanya

Hey, there!

First of all, I just felt that your speech for Kevin when he was slurring wasn't looking like slurred words, but rather some different sort of accent. But I liked the thing you had there with the flashback. Not the whole thing, but just the descriptions. For the first time, I'd picture it myself. Without your telling of what was happening, so it was great for me.

I won't say much this time. I felt that this chapter had to be the best explained till now. Even thought the fight in the end could have dragged on, and for me it was too choppy and fast to be caught. I just felt that if you could have added precise details of the fight, and what all had happened, it would have been better. Maybe that or maybe how the sword or whatever killed her, had stuck Titi. That'd have been better.

The small next thing I'd rather like to ask is that whether keeping the secret of who and why Nina had died was on purpose or you just forgot to introduce to her. If it's the latter, I think it's fine. I liked it this way. Earlier, I was confused, maybe you could brush up with the memory of Nina flooding in. Maybe Ava sees something that drives her into that memory lane. Maybe she saw some crimson coloured object? But overall, you did a fantastic job and you are REALLY improving. So good luck for the future.

~Shrubbery

No possible words can describe this unless you make up some new form of word which means that this story is amazing!!! great job Pointe!

Hey there, me again.

Okay, so description wise, this is definitely your best so far. You also, for the most part, described the actions with detail, which helps us to follow them.

I have a couple things I need to point out though.

One, the fight. I hardly knew it had started when you announced it was over. Fights are things that really pique readers' interest, so they should usually be at least vaguely explained. But this wasn't. What I suggest you do is go back and write it in, adding in details like her fighting style, what other people are doing, who's hurt and where, if she's hurt and how bad, and such. Show us what she knows. Show us that she's actually in danger, because right now it has the effect of saying "A banana stood in her way with a plastic weapon, but she stepped on it and squashed it." Well, maybe not that bad, but I hope you get my point. You can't keep skipping over the dangerous parts, because those are what makes this novel exciting.

My second point is, we hardly know Tatiana, certainly not enough to really care about her. She's barely even mentioned in most of the chapters. Honestly, I care more about Love dieing than her, because we got to interact with her more, see her life. All we saw of Tatiana was her being all love-sick around Greg, and that is not a character I really care whether she dies or not.

Also, her sister. You'd never even mentioned her before, or if you had it was in a not-memorable way because I can't think of it. I know you're trying to create sympathy for the characters, but instead of springing people on us we don't care about, try layering. Basically, mention things way earlier, whether in noticeable or not noticeable ways. Ever read Harry Potter? That's what made it so cool. Instead of springing spells on us to magically fix the situation (no pun intended) she brought the spell (or whatever she used) chapters, often books earlier, and the rules so we already believe in how she uses it. I want you to try layering like that, but a little differently. If you wanted to bring up Nina in a thoughtful way, maybe place someone screaming early on and her thinking of it, because them we'll already know what you're talking about, to a certain degree, and it will seem relevant and we'll care about it.

My final point ties into the first one, but I didn't think of it then so it's here now. Not only did you make your character very superman-ish (which isn't in and of itself a bad thing, but we need it conveyed in a way that's believable, hence my advice to describe it) but you ended up with her killing all those men. Yes, she kills demons. Were they demons? No. She seems to have no conscience. Also, after killing them, she cares so much about her friend dieing. Does she really value one person's life over another's? I get that it's her friend. But people who ruthlessly kill with no regret aren't believable, or they're heartless. Your character isn't either, but it just doesn't add up.

Okay, so I know this all probably is very incoherent. I'm kinda tired. If you have any questions, any at all, about what I've said, PM me or post on my wall. Seriously, do.

loveness, ultraviolet <3