Young Writers Society

There might be more than four parts. If you are sensitive to death and light violence, don't read.
There might be errors from copy/pasting(like asterisks(from page breaks) and no italics). Akron, Ohio is in the US in case you aren't from there. Oh, and this is updated. Defense and Defence are both correct. Defence is British English. I love dialect...

The Story of William Krenith

PART ONE: Breaking the Fringe of Corruption

Akron, Ohio-Late Summer, 2076

A green fog was rising, closing in, devouring the city. The buildings in the distance were now only silhouettes, seeming to dance back and forth as the shape of the buildings was distorted. Riots raged, the police were losing. Everything was collapsing, literally; small tremors continued throughout the day. People finished boarding up their homes, securing important possessions. The sound of hammers pounding against houses mixed with the ring of gunfire, slowly growing closer, but for now a distant echo.
Brandon was using towels to seal the front door. William Krenith, Brandon’s father, pushed a table up against a wall. A hastily armored bus rattled past, the picture window had already been boarded up, days ago. The bus was only visible through the front door window, to Brandon. Red flags hung from some of the open windows, rifles peeked out from within, looking for a challenger. The flags were labeled with a crude drawing of perhaps an Earth, and below the drawing, the words “The Exodus” sat.
A group of men, carrying rifles, wearing bullet proof vests and battered clothes, walked behind as reinforcement. The bus moved past. “Dad, we have to board this window still!” shouted Brandon.
“I know, I’m waiting for your Mom to get home.”
“Dad, I’m scared.”
“I know, everything’s going to be fine. She’s bringing more wood.” William wasn’t sure if she’d ever come back. “Start bringing your boxes down into the basement, make sure they’re off the floor, unless you like your things soaked. We could be down there a while.”
“Okay, I guess I’m done with the sealin’.”
William heard the back door open. He motioned for his son to be quiet. William grabbed his pistol from his belt. It didn’t have a holster; it was tucked into his belt. A yelp of pain came from the kitchen as Will crept toward the adjacent hallway. Seconds later, a body hit the ground, unconscious.
“I’m home,” came the voice of Will’s wife, Mary, “or, at least I think I am.”
“You there? Mary?” Will had his pistol aimed down the hallway, unsure of what was there.
“Yeah, I got the supplies, this guy looks like a looter. I threw a stone, I think he’s bleeding, he looks like he’s sleeping.”
“He’s probably unconscious. I’ll hand him to bill next-door. He can take care of him.” Will lowered his gun, stuck it back in his belt, and walked into the kitchen. “Meanwhile, you board up the door window in the front. I’ll finish the stairs in a second.”
Mary got to work, while Brandon hooked up cords to the generator in the basement and moved it to a side room, where they made a small ventilation shaft for the generator. Will grabbed the body and called over the fence to his neighbor, Bill. He was a doctor.
“Yeah, Will, is that you?”
“Yep, got a body for you, could you medic him?”
“Sure, I just finished with my last patient.” Will handed him the looters unconscious body. A couple of the neighbors met together in another house down the street, and fortified other houses on the block for other neighbors to use. Bill was the medic, and across the street, someone sacrificed their house as a storage unit for the block.
Will ran back into the house, said goodbye to Bill for the second last time, and shut the door behind him, and began to board it up. About three hours later, through a basement window, as he put the last board on, he noticed how dark the fog was.
The fog was a dark green, and what was left of the sky was a winter grey. Everything outside had a colorless hue. The gunfire was enveloping the entire world around him. Brandon and Mary sat in a corner, comforting each other. Artillery fire could be heard in the distance. The news had stated yesterday, its last day on the air, that the Sentry Defense Corporation International had been sighted with artillery vehicles across the country.
The power line in the backyard spontaneously exploded, causing Will to flinch backward. He quickly boarded up the window, not knowing if he would ever see this world again. He forgot something; he never said goodbye. He walked to the little shack that they built in the corner.
“I am going to start the power, flip that switch to turn on the air purifier after I turn the generator on. I tell you in a minute why I did all the sealing.” Will had disconnected the houses power earlier. He walked to the generator, opened the ventilation hatch, filled the generator with gas, and connected a flexible pipe to the generator; this pipe would channel out all of the fumes from the generator, through the small vent he had made. He looked at the cupboard against the wall, and opened it. He had calculated, yesterday, how long he could last with the gas he had. About a year and a half. He had enough food and water, if rationed properly, that would last for about two years. He pulled the cord on the generator, and it started up. He had heard stories from his grandparents that generators used to be ear-splitting, this one was quiet, you could be ten feet from it and not even know that it was there.
“Guys lanterns off, flip the switch Mary!” Mary hit the air purifier switch, and Brandon hit the light switch. The two turned off the small lantern that they had used to light the basement prior.
Will walked into the small shack. They all sat together on a pile of sheets. “I made you guys block everything and seal it all because yesterday, on that newscast, they said that there was something toxic in the air. You guys know those stories about how people thought they saw tons of UFOs taking off in the past week?
“Well, I guess, they said that the Eden Corporation office buildings were found empty Wednesday, none of their employees could be found, and hundreds of others had started up missing. A picture had even been found of the ships saying ‘Eden Corp.’ On Tuesday, they said that the UFOs, which had been thought at this point to be completely theirs, started to leave a trail of thick red smoke behind them. They watched the strange mist fall, and they discovered it was toxic.
“When they said that the green fog was starting to be sighted, they said that people began acting crazy, and that the fog contained strange properties. The fog also had the same toxic chemical. I don’t really have any theories, but when this morning I saw that fog, I thought I should take the precaution of sealing everything.” After talking for an hour or so, they played a board game, and then went to sleep. By the next morning, everything was quiet and still outside, except for an occasional burst of gunfire.

Akron, Ohio-Mid Autumn, 2076

By now, barely any gunfire was heard. Will removed the wood from one of the windows, but left it sealed. He refilled the generator, and on a little gas stove, he made soup for the now ailing Brandon. Looking out the window, the green fog was not nearly as bad as it was a week ago. Now, a pattern had been observed by Will. He noticed that the fog reached a peek at noon. That peek was not where it had been a week ago. It was closer towards the horizon.
“Dad, when can we leave?”
“I don’t really know.”
“But, there’s nothing happening outside anymore! It’s just snowing!”
“Yeah, but you hear the gunfire sometimes. Do you wanna get shot? By spring, somebody might go out and turn on the power and repair lines. Do you know how bad that could be? They could burn the city down!”
“Stop Will. Be quiet. What if there are looters?” said Mary.
“I know,” replied Will, “I just don’t think it’s safe yet.” Will did know when he should leave. When the fog was gone (he wasn’t sure if it would ever be gone, but he had a good, and correct, feeling that the fog was dangerous), he just wasn’t sure how to explain his theory. “Shh, I hear something…” Will motioned for the others to get away from the window. Footsteps could be heard outside. The snow crunched beneath the unknown creature’s feet. The “creature” turned out to be a human, walking lifelessly by the window. Will watched as the man clumsily moved passed, unaware of Will’s presence.
The man’s skin was pale, his clothes were torn and ragged, you could see his legs, and the veins were visible, crawling around the bone, a strange red look to them from the normal blue. They bulged from the skin. He also looked like he was wearing only socks.
He waited about four minutes of deafening silence. Far from peace, the moment was filled with anxiety, and unspoken words that had yet to be spoken, and would form questions. However, these answers wouldn’t be known for a while.
“He’s gone, I think. He looked like a person, a man, but, he couldn’t be alive with those clothes. They were full of holes; he looked like he was a zombie!”
“He could be close to death!” exclaimed Mary. She got up and ran to the door. Will blocked her.
“You can’t go out! It’s not safe yet!”
“You won’t know until you leave!”
“But if it’s dangerous you’re going to die!”
“Maybe I don’t care! Maybe we’ll never leave; I’d rather die up there than down here.”
“Everything’s going to be fine!” yelled Will back. Neither of their wishes came true.

Akron, Ohio-Autumn 2076-January, 2079

Over the course of the next two years, Brandon’s health improved, although he grew ever more weightless, as for the rest of them, Mary grew extremely ill, and began vomiting into their bathroom area, causing a formidable stench. Will kept his health up by working out in the basement and jogging around its perimeter. Their gas began to run low after a year. They had little food left by January, 2079. Mary became “bedridden,” although they had no real beds other than a pile of sheets and blankets. She was removed from the two’s shack. She slept outside it, and the other two stayed away from her, in fear of catching here sickness.
Outside, gunfire gradually grew again, but the fog was almost completely receded. Occasionally, about once a month, the fog would rise greatly, and tremors would ensue, the sun would be occluded from view, as well. Then came the day, or rather the night. Mary died, choking on her own vomit. Will tried to help her, but knew nothing of how to save her; it didn’t help with Brandon wrenching on Will, thinking he could save her himself.
“When will we leave Daddy, when?” cried Brandon. Three weeks later, Will caught Brandon trying to commit suicide during the night, after that, Will watched Brandon carefully; however, his efforts were in vain, as he only prolonged Brandon’s imminent death.

Akron, Ohio-March 5th, 2079

William dreamt of a child screaming in agony. It was a scorching hot day. Will was chained down, he couldn’t move. He heard the child screaming, rolling around on the ground, helpless. The screams turned to sobs, then they slowly became more distant, an echo of the past. In what seemed like hours of lying helplessly, the crying long gone, the child’s shaking ceased. It seemed like a deliberate attempt to torture Will. It was never completely quiet in the dream, however. Birds chirped softly in the background. The chains that held his arms began to gradually fade away. Will sat up, and without any control of himself, he walked to the pool, and simply walked into it. Instead of cooling relief upon hitting the water, he felt a burning sensation, as well as a numbing cold. The burning was only on specific parts of him, and it slowly died to a warm, soothing feeling, whereas the cold was steady.
His eyes opened. A gentle snowflake landed on his hand. The wind made a hollow whistling sound, it was gentle, calming, yet permeated the air with a sense of solitude. More snowflakes fell. These were not cold, wintry type snowflakes, they were snowflakes that were warm, and didn’t melt. It was ash. Instead of darkness, and a moldy cellar roof, Will was looking into a grey, cloudy winter sky. Something wasn’t right here, but what?
Everything began coming back to Will. Mary? Brandon? This had to be a dream, but it wasn’t. Mary’s body lay sealed in the empty cabinet, Brandon, but Brandon was still alive wasn’t he? His lifeless corpse lay on what was the basement floor. Motionless. Will, with a trembling gait, approached his body. He kissed his cheek.
“Good Night,” he whispered. Not knowing he just said hello.
***
Will hovered over Brandon’s body for perhaps an hour. His body was half covered in snow; most of his flesh was burned. His mouth was hanging open, and ice was frozen on his cheeks. His eyes had a small, helpless light in them. They shone in the bleak morning. Will was completely oblivious to the cold. In the past few months, he had lost his wife before his eyes, and now he didn’t even know how his child died. A light flickered in his head, but it failed to ignite.
After beginning to rationalize some thoughts, Will decided to look at his surroundings, and perhaps try to forget about the past. It was a new world.
Everything was gone, the walls of the basement and foundation stood, he wasn’t sure what everything looked like, though, as he was below ground level. The stairs were to his left. The walls only went up somewhat, only a shell of the brick on the outside was left. The tops of the walls looked charred. The cabinet that had Mary’s body sealed in it was burnt around its edges.
Will took a daring step up the stairs. The stairs were somewhat coated with ice; snow and ash had built up around the cooling remains of the walls. A wall stood upon the right of the stairs, the wall still had a railing, and if not for it, it would’ve been impossible for Will to get up the stairs. He climbed the stairs, and at the top, he couldn’t recognize anything. A normal winter’s fog shrouded the world.
Barely a house stood, snow and ice covered everything. It would have had a strange beauty to it if not for the flecks of gray in the white snow. Solitary walls stood, panels on houses were charred, only the walls of the basement and the walls of a corner of Will’s house stood. The snow gently fell, as if unaware of the destruction. Brandon’s body was barely visible, only his head poked out. Will collapsed on what was a wood floor, burned away by the fire.
“Who did this!” uttered Will in a half scream. He pounded the foundation with his fists, his tears almost freezing in his eyes. Parts of the rug still remained on the floor. Something startled him.
A screech of a creature unknown filled the air. The sound deafened Will. The sound had a high pitch; nothing other than the sound could be heard. Will shuddered. He turned around to face the source.
A creature with blue lines running around its face swooped downward out of the sky. It left an icy blue trail behind it. It charged forward, now the beast was at ground level, hovering slightly above the terrain. Snow was being thrown about behind the creature. Within the next moment, the creature was in the backyard, then at the burned wall of the house.
Will froze in terror, unable to move, unable to scream. Everything seemed to slow down. The creature seemed to crawl past Will. The beast had one long tail, extending backward about ten feet. The creature’s head was only a foot from him. Things seemed to speed up again, and thinking back, he could only remember a blur. The creature’s passing had sent will flying backward. It swooped back up into the air like nothing happened. Will sat for another five minutes, breathing heavily.
No birds could be heard, no humans, not even another creature. He got up, and simply walked into the city. After walking through the desolate city, a shard of color entered the world. He walked towards it. The light danced around, calling him.
Only the banging of doors and shutters could be heard, as well as the occasional crumbling of a building. All of the buildings were missing their windows. Buildings were burned down, walls were missing.
The light was from a fire, the red glow welcoming him from the depressing grey. A pot of water was suspended over the fire by a small grate of sticks. The fire was contained by rocks and chunks of concrete. In the center there was a pile of charcoal, burning steadily. The water was boiling. There was a thick cloth burned slightly in the center to the right of the fire. Will grabbed the cloth, it was presumably used as a hot pad.
He used it to remove the pot from the fire. His movements were shaky, and he quickly realized at how dry his mouth was. He sat for a minute.
“Ya…ya…you…over there! You alive? You like ‘hem t’ings?” called a voice. Will jumped in astonishment, he dropped the cloth and it flew into the wall of a building. He got up and spun around in a clumsy action. He saw a head peeking over a box in an alley.
“A human? I thought I was alone!” said Will.
“I thought I was too!” said the man. They ran towards each other, greeting each other, neither really knew how to act. They were both laughing, standing in the middle of the street, each thinking they were insane.
“Come, take a sip of some water, buddy!” said the man, gesturing towards the fire.
“Thanks,” said Will, “what’s your name?”
“The name’s Leon.” They sat down in the snow on the sidewalk by the fire. A few minutes passed, each contemplating whether or not the other was real. Leon lifted his gloved hand, and reached out, poking him in the side.
“Uh, what was that?” said Will as he turned his head slowly to face Leon.
“I just wasn’t sure if you were real, that’s all.”
“Okay, how ‘bout a sip of water? I think it’s cool now.”
“Drink from the side with the broken handle. Oh, and I think everything’s just a little more than cool now.” chuckled Leon as he peered upward at the falling snowflakes and ash, the towering buildings and large icicles dangling from ledges and windowsills. Will picked up the pot of water and drank from it. The water was the best he’d ever had. He handed it to Leon.
“Thanks.”


After about an hour of talking, telling each other the dramatic tales of cellar living and city scavenging, Leon felt it was time for the present to make its way into the conversation. Will talked more about life before the collapse than life in the basement, he felt better keeping that to himself, and to think more on the future and that he was alive.
“Well, I only have enough food for me, and only for the next week, let’s do some scavenging. I’ll teach you what I know. Been out here for about a week, haven’t seen anyone willing to talk and not shoot.”
“‘Anyone?’” inquired Will.
“Yeah, there are others all right. Some of ‘em human, some of ‘em not so human. I see a lot of military folks, they got fancy armor and guns, all I got is this here revolver, and this .22,” Leon gestured at his holster, “I use the revolver, and obviously, well I’m using that, I can’t use the other pistol, you can, however, use this thing.” Leon grabbed the pistol and handed it to Will.
“Like I was saying, there are these guys who call themselves ‘The Remnant,’ they say they’re from New York, they ain’t got the good stuff like the military, but it’s still better than what I have. And, those non-human ones you ask? I call ‘em zombies! Do you believe that? They just stand around until they see you, then they come running. Then I go bang! The .22 takes ‘em out fine, but don’t go engaging the military with that thing, you’ll just get yourself killed.”
“Dying would not be fun…”
“Got that right. Oh, and I have been seeing these flying things about, nev—”
“You’ve seen them, too? One flew right past me!”
“Didn’t shoot?”
“Oh, they can shoot?”
“Yeah, lots of things, they always fly on by, but I have noticed that depending on their trail-color they shoot something different. Some shoot ice, some shoot explosives, some even breath fire!”
“I was lucky. You make a lot of observations in a week.”
“The thing I haven’t got to see is one of them clearly, or why the U.S. military’s trying to kill us!”
“You think it was conspiracy?”
“Maybe, all I know is that I want a nice safe colony and, when you’re trying to survive, you pay attention to everything.”
“Ah…” said Will, he rubbed his hands together, and after a minute of contemplation, Leon spoke again.
“Like I had said, let’s go do some scavengin’.”
“Sounds okay to me.”



***
The two were on the fourth floor of a hotel, its back corner wall still stood up to about seven stories, although the fourth floor was the highest accessible. Above them, the sky was visible. The snow had stopped falling, a nice change. Before they left “the camp” as Leon called it, Leon showed Will a small shop that he had turned into a shelter. Leon kept three backpacks crammed with items, shelves ready for storage and five recycling bins for carrying. Leon took two of the recycling bins, two backpacks, and found a new belt for Will. He also gave will some equipment, which included: a pocket knife, a combat knife, magazines for his pistol, a flare gun, a magazine, a flashlight, some string, an awl, a bottle of water, matches, an old book, an empty journal still in the packaging, a sleeping bag, kindling, and binoculars.
“Leon?” called Will as he gazed downward from a window to the streets below.
“Yeah, I will be right there! Could ‘ya help me?” Leon’s voice called back. Will put down his bin, so far, he had collected a couple batteries, nicer gloves, and a wallet. Will ran to the stairs; the elevator had crashed to the basement and the power was out.
“How did you get all this?” asked Will, pointing to Leon’s bin full of food.
“It was in the freezer, everything was still fresh.”
“But, isn’t the power out?”
“Uh…” Leon’s voice trailed off. The sound of glass smashing apart on brick became clear in a few seconds. Whipping sounds and the same penetrating screeches that Will heard earlier appeared again, however these shrieks were much more bearable.
“What’s that!” yelled Will. He ducked out of instinct, and looked upward. The same type of creature that he saw before flew overhead. Another flying beast appeared behind the first; however this one had no color. Neither of the beasts had paid attention to the two people below; they were caught up with their own problems. They kept on flying, the one in the front spun 180 degrees, and then began firing something at the pursuer. The pursuer was more agile, however, and did not fire until close to the other one.
“See, that one’s shooting ice! That’s what that noise was. Don’t worry too much; I’ve never really seen these alien things attack humans. But, what’s…” Leon’s question was answered, “oh, fire!”
The colorless alien began spitting out a steady beam of fire, but with limited range. The blue creature dived downward, then flew away, trying to gain more distance. Instead of pursuit, though, the colorless one looked upward, and then something that resembled heat waves started to emanate from it. The air around it began to ripple; the outward look of the waves began to reverse. The creature seemed to implode, and then a large arm of fire darted outward in the direction of its now gone-from-site adversary. A ball of fire surrounded where the creature had been.
“I have never seen that befo—hey!“ Leon’s bin started sliding down the stairs after he accidentally let go. He turned around, tripped, and then fell backwards onto the runaway bin. “I’m Fi—“ his voice rose for a second as he hit a bump, “—ne……Ow!” he laughed.
“That’s got to hurt!” said Will. Will turned around, the alien was gone and so was the fire.
“Well, there was power in there, the food’s all fresh,” Leon got up from the bin, then continued, “Why did I bring this up here?”
“Because you’re an idiot.” answered Will. “Let me get my bin, start bringing that back down.” Will went to his grab his bin, while about to grab it, a gunshot sounded.


Leon was all the way down the stairs when he heard something. A footstep, then a stumbling sound. Leon dropped his bin, let it slide to the bottom, he followed it down. He took his revolver out, and then got ready to fire. He turned the corner into the lobby. In the back of the lobby, pots and pans could be heard crashing into each other. He heard someone yell out in pain. Slowly, he crept towards the front desk. After he heard nothing more, he slid his backpack off, and then proceeded to turn around and peer over the counter. The lobby had a large café area adjacent the sitting area behind Leon. Leon vaulted the desk.
“Who’s there!” he heard someone get up and run. He shot the door. Somebody screamed in fear.
“I’ve got a gun, too!” said another voice. Leon charged at the door, kicking it open. The door flew into the wall and then sprang back into place, catching Leon’s foot. Leon fell to the ground, effectively recovering with a roll. He was in a dark room. The room had pots and pans swinging about from hooks on the ceiling. Two rows of tables, stoves, and coffee machines created three aisles, two against the walls and one in the center. Down the center lane, a man stood, his gun ready. Both men stood aiming at each other. Luckily, neither shot.
“Nice gun safety there little boy,” said the other man, he was more joking than mocking, “I’ll put my gun down if you put yours down, lets both step to the side and lower our weapons.”
“How’d you know I wasn’t one of those things?”
“I don’t think they would’ve shot at nothing. Have you ever dissected one?”
“No, did you?”
“A little, a chunk of arm. Now let’s step aside.” said the other man. They both kept their aim forward, and each cautiously moved to the right. The strange man lowered his gun, Leon followed.
“Good, I’ve seen plenty of military folk around this part, kind of bare this week.”
“Same. Thanks for not shooting,” replied Leon, he stepped forward and gestured to shake hands. “Name’s Leon.”
“Bill, I was a doctor.”
“Leon?” called a familiar voice.
“Who’s that? Your friend?” questioned Bill.
“Yeah,” said Leon.
“You left someone alone?”
“Bad idea I guess.” He then raised his voice and called out, “Back here, met a friend!”
Will walked into the room, “Bill?”
“Will!” The two ran up to each other and shook hands. “Never thought I’d see you again!”
“Me too,” laughed Will.
“Know each other?”
“Neighbors.” said the two in unison.
“So, wait, Leon? You know that food you found, that was probably his, Bill you got a generator?” The two looked at each other and Bill nodded. “Ah, that explains why there was all that food! It was his food and his generator!”
“Can I have my food back? I thought the military might’ve taken it.”
“Fine,” said Leon in disappointment, “we tried.” Bill laughed. Leon went back to the front desk and grabbed his stuff. He put on the backpack and brought the recycling bin into the back room. Hey, Bill, I’m going to go back to my camp and bring some of the important stuff back, that okay?”
“Take Will, I have a secret shelter, I’ll be fine.” Bill walked over to the freezer room, bringing the bin in. “See, there’s these loose tiles here,” he lifted a tile on the floor, “Under these four tiles here, there is a hatch, I built a ladder into the basement and boarded off a room.”
“So, if we don’t see you, you’re in there? Sure, we’ll call for you when we’re back, bye!”

Leon and Will were walking down a street when Will decided it was time to ask some questions. The streets were quiet and bare, nothing to be seen other than icicles and the occasional decaying corpse.
“I thought you said there were zombies or something out here? There’s nothing! Can’t say I am disappointed or anything, but you made it sound like there’s tons of danger.”
“I’ve seen ‘em, you or they just haven’t seen each other, no need to draw attention.”
“Do you see one now, bet you you don’t.”
“Actually I do.”
“Where,” said Will. The two weren’t fighting; it was more a childish bet, “I don’t see anything.”
“Hey, stop a sec,” Leon grabbed Will’s shoulder and pointed towards the window of a shop, “In there.”
“How do you know?”
“See, there are footsteps in the snow walking in there, and then those icicles are broken in front of the window. He climbed out that way.”
“How did you see that? And how do you know that’s not from earlier?”
“It’s not from earlier because those icicles are broken, too. Plus those cans are rolling around in there, look through the door on the floor.” Will looked, squinting to see better. On the floor of the store, cans were rolling up against the wall, they caused no sound because there was snow against the wall from a draft. “Those cans wouldn’t be rolling about now if it wasn’t fresh, I’ll show you, give me your pistol. I bet you there’s more of ‘em all around us.”
The two approached the door, Leon was in front. He slowly walked in. Now you could hear it groaning. Its movement clumsy, its faltering steps creating a loud noise on the decaying shop floor. Leon had his back up against the wall, peering down the aisle. He walked sideways. Then he saw movement.
“Got ya.” He whispered to himself. He positioned his finger on the trigger.
“Just shoot already!” called Will. The creature turned around in the aisle. It caught sight of Leon. The zombie broke into a sprint. Leon pulled the trigger.
The bullet flew out from the gun. Will couldn’t see it, but he felt and heard it. The bullet hit the soft flesh on the zombies face; you could hear the weak bones cracking as the bullet split the right side of the jawbone into the left collarbone and out the back. The zombie fell backwards, more lifeless than it already was.
“You wanna see it? And, oh, next time, keep quiet please.” Will walked over to Leon, and then looked at the dead zombie. “Let me show you the many more that await us.” Leon walked out the door and motioned for Will to follow.
“See, up there on that skyway.” He pointed up at a skyway that crossed over the street about 15 stories up. Sure enough, a zombie stood walking around pointlessly in the skyway. “And, over there!” Leon pointed to what looked like a dead body.
“That’s one of those things?” asked Will.
“Yeah, they actually sleep too.” Leon shot it. The two kept walking on, Leon pointing out the creatures constantly. Leon gave Will his gun back.

About two hours later, Leon and Will returned with other supplies from Leon’s camp.
“Bill? Bill? Bill!” A tone of worry increased in their voices as they called for Bill. “Let’s check the tiles he showed us, probably a better first check.”
They walked over to the room. Bill was inside.
“Hey, you’re back, I see.”
“Yeah,” said Leon.
“I used your sleeping bags and set them up down here. At night I turn the generator off and use these old lamps.” Bill pointed to three kerosene lamps in his “bunker.”
“I don’t see why they still made those.” Will said climbing down the ladder to the secret room.
“Did I say you could come down here? Just kidding, it’s getting late anyways.”
The three all packed into the little room, lighting the two unlit lamps. Each made themselves “at home” in the small room. The room had two walls made of concrete and was covered with shelves with cabinets at the bottom. The other two walls were made of wood and sheet metal presumably made by Bill. The room was cold from being beneath a freezer.

Akron, Ohio- March 6th, 2079

Will was the first to awake. Everything was still like it always was. The room was dark as only one of the lamps still burned.
“Guys, wake up!” Will woke the others, kicking them gently. The two looked up. “Good morning.”
“Will, you’re going to learn soon, I hope, that out here, you have to sleep in to enjoy yourself. The longer you sleep, the less of a dreary existence you have to live.”
“There are three of us! We could start a colony just like you said!”
“A three person colony? Really, Will?”
“Better than nothing,” interjected Bill.
“Ha,” said Will in a childish tone.
“Let’s get up and do some scavenging, we could use some burning stuff.” Bill got up and climbed the ladder, pushing the tiles over. He pulled his gun out before he peeked out.
“Clear.” He climbed out. “Come on up,” he said.
The other two came up, extinguishing the remaining lamp.
“I’m going to go start the generator, don’t worry.”
“Can I make some breakfast?” asked Leon, “Haven’t eaten this good in forever!”
“Sure, and Will, feel free to just sit around” said Bill.
“Actually, Will, go to the front door and look for zombies so you can practice shooting,” said Leon, “don’t worry, they are already dead.”


After about an hour of making a breakfast, they ate for another hour, and then set off on a scavenging run. The three were walking quietly down a street. A sound became clear after a few minutes. It was growing closer. The sound of yelling also became clear. The rumbling sound was distinguishable as it approached further. It was a vehicle of some sort. The yelling died down, somebody was giving orders.
“Who could that be? Quick, inside that shop!” yelled Bill. “There’s no way to know who you can trust, you two are the only ones I’ve met that didn’t try to kill me, for the most part.” He whispered under his breath, “Leon.”
The three ran inside a building, waiting for the vehicle to come. It was a jeep marked with a US flag. It rounded the corner fairly quickly, skidding somewhat on the ice. A gunner was on a turret in the back of the vehicle. A snow plow had been attached to the front as well as to more guns mounted on the doors. Four men were in the vehicle, one on the turret, two in the seats, and one sitting on the back. They let the vehicle pass.
“The Military usually means trouble. Keep your distance,” said Leon, “Let’s split up and search this area. Stay in this building, that building, and that building. I’ll take this one.”
“I call that one.” Will got up and ran towards one of the buildings.
“Bye Bill, not that I’m going far.”


Will had been searching for about 30 minutes. He was on the seventh floor when he heard another car. He heard it stop in the street, likely below him. He waited. He heard yelling, and then a gun shot. Then more yelling.
He ran down the stairs, running as fast as possible. When he got to the bottom, he saw a pickup truck driving off with an unknown flag on it and four men with weapons standing in the back. The truck sped off, leaving a cloud of dust.
“Bill! Leon!”
“Bill’s dead.”
“What! No!” Will was infuriated. He pulled out his pistol and ran after the truck, still in easy view, and in range. “I can’t stand this place! There’s nothing left to lose! ”
“Will No!”
Will ran after the pickup, pulling out his pistol and firing. The pickup skidded to a halt, spinning around. At first it looked like they had the upper hand, but after a second of heading towards the two, the truck lost control. The truck swerved into a building, tipping on its side. The four people were thrown from the back, crushed under the car. The car smashed into the side of a building. The gas tank was poorly repaired; the people who owned the car had the gas tank modified, filling it with a highly volatile fuel, as well as sealing the tank tightly. Subsequently, the car exploded.
The car was about 500 feet away. A fireball lifted from the car, blocking the street. The massive explosion damaged the walls of a building. The shockwave sent Will to the ground. The buildings around it caught on fire.
“We have to get out of here!” cried Leon. He ran. Will got to his feet and followed Leon. The snow around the area was melted; the buildings were slowly catching on fire. Something emerged from the fog. The two flying Aliens once again.
Shards of ice shattered on the ground ten feet from Will. Now the blue Alien was the pursuer. The blue Alien kept on a tight follow with the colorless Alien. The shards that hit the ground were all strays. The Aliens kept on towards the burning buildings, Will and Leon kept on towards the hotel.

***
Will and Leon arrived at the hotel. Will ran inside the shelter room while Leon made Dinner. Will couldn’t think, his thoughts were racing, he was just tired. He slept until dinner.

Hey there! A good story you've got here, some great plot going on and I love the tone you're writing with. It could use a clean up in a few places but in general, I really like it. I'll start by quoting any of the paragraphs I've got comments on and then try to give some more detailed advice at the end:

A green fog was rising, closing in, devouring the city. The buildings in the distance were now only silhouettes, seeming to dance back in and forth as the shapes of the buildings were distorted. Riots raged, the police were losing. Everything was collapsing, literally; small tremors continued throughout the day. People finished boarding up their homes, securing important possessions. The sound of hammers pounding against houses mixed with the ring of gunfire, slowly growing closer, but for now a distant echo.

Brandon was using towels to seal the front door. William Krenith, Brandon’s father, pushed a table up against a wall. A hastily armored bus rattled passed past, the picture window had already been boarded up, days past [Maybe days ago would be better, avoid the repetition.]. The bus was only visible through the front door window, to Brandon. Red flags hung from some of the open windows, rifles peeked out from within, looking for a challenger. The flags were labeled with a crude drawing of perhaps an Earth, and below the drawing, the words “The Exodus” sat.

William heard the back door open. He motioned for his son to be quiet. William grabbed his pistol from his belt. It didn’t have a holster; it was tucked into his belt. He gently lifted it from his belt. [A little too much repetition here, I'd suggest removing this last sentence or at least changing it to, 'He gently lifted it out.'] A yelp of pain came from the kitchen as Will crept towards the hallway to the kitchen through the adjacent hallway. Seconds later, a body hit the ground, unconscious.

“You there? Mary?” Will had his pistol aimed at the hallway.  [Maybe door or kitchen or entrance to the kitchen? Hallway is a little vague so I'm not too sure where he's aiming this gun or rather, it suggests the body is in the hallway? A little confusion going on here...]

“Sure, I just finished with my last patient.” Will handed him the looter's unconscious body. A couple of the neighbors met together in another house down the street, and fortified other houses on the block for other neighbors to use. Bill was the medic, and across the street, someone sacrificed their house as a storage unit for the block.

Will ran back into the house, said goodbye to Bill for the third last time, [Good detail.] and shut the door behind him, and began to board it up. About three hours later, through a basement window, as he put the last board on, he noticed how dark the fog was.

The fog was a dark green, and what was left of the sky was a winter grey. Everything outside had a colorless hue. The gunfire was enveloping the entire world around him. Brandon and Mary sat in a corner, comforting each other. Artillery fire could be heard in the distance. The news had stated yesterday, its last day on the air, that the Sentry Defense Defence Corporation International had been sighted with artillery vehicles across the country.

The power line in the backyard spontaneously exploded, causing Will to flinch backward. He quickly boarded up the window, not knowing he would ever see this world again. [Maybe supposed to be 'never see this world again'? If not it should be 'if he would ever'] He forgot something; he never said goodbye. He walked to the little shack that they built in the corner.

“I am going to start the power, flip that switch to turn on the air purifier after I turn the generator on. I tell you in a minute why I did all the sealing.” Will had disconnected the house's power earlier. He walked to the generator, opened the ventilation hatch, filled the generator with gas, and connected a flexible pipe to the generator, [Semi colon would work better.] this pipe would channel out all of the fumes from the generator, through the small vent he had made. He looked at the cupboard against the wall, and opened it. He had calculated, yesterday, how long he could last with the gas he had. About a year and a half. He had enough food and water, if rationed properly, that would last for about two years. He pulled the cord on the generator, and it started up. He had heard stories from his grandparents that generators used to be ear-splitting, but this one was quiet, you could be ten feet from it and not even knowthat it was there.

“Well, I guess, they said that the Eden Corporation office buildings were found empty Wednesday, none of their employees could be found, and hundreds of others had started up missing. A picture had was even beenfound of the ships saying ‘Eden Corp.’ On Tuesday, they said that the UFOs, which had been thought at this point to be completely theirs, started to leave a trail of thick red smoke behind them. They watched the strange mist fall, and they discovered it was toxic.

“When they said that the green fog was starting to be sighted, they said that people began acting crazy, and that the fog contained strange properties. The fog also had the same toxic chemical. I don’t really have any theories, but when this morning I saw that fog, I thought I should take the precaution of sealing everything.” [Some of the dialogue sounds a little forced here, you might want to edit it a bit.] After talking for an hour or so, they played a board game, and then went to sleep. By the next morning, everything was quiet and still outside, except for an occasional burst of gunfire.

By now, barely any gunfire was heard. [Good link between sections.] Will removed the wood from one of the windows, but left it sealed. He refilled the generator, and on a little gas stove, he made soup for the now falling ill ailing Brandon. Looking out the window, the green fog was not nearly as bad as it was a week ago. Now, a pattern had been observed by Will. He noticed that the fog reached a peek at noon. Now, [Too much use of now. Cut one out.] that peek was not where it had been a week ago. It was closer towards the horizon.

“I know,” replied Will, “I just don’t think it’s safe yet.” Will did know when he should leave. When the fog was gone (he wasn’t sure if it would ever be gone, but he had a good, and correct, feeling that the fog was dangerous), he just wasn’t sure how to explain his theory. “Shh, I hear something…” Will motioned for the others to get away from the window. Footsteps could be heard outside. The snow crunched beneath the unknown creature’s feet. The “creature” turned out to be a human, walking lifelessly by the window. Will watched as the man clumsily moved passed, unaware of Will’s presence.   [Wait... what happened to all the windows being boarded up with wood? You need to mention that there's a crack they can see through or something.]

The man’s skin was pale, his clothes were torn and ragged, you could see his legs, and the vanes veins were visible, crawling around the bone, a strange red look to them from the normal blue. They bulged from the skin. He also looked like he was wearing only socks.

He waited about four minutes of deafening silence. Far from peace, the moment was filled with anxiety, and unspokenwords that had yet to be spoken, and would form questions. However, these answers wouldn’t be known for a while.

Over the course of the next two years, Brandon’s health improved, although he grew ever more weightless, as for the rest of them, Mary grew extremely ill, and began vomiting into their bathroom area, causing a formidable stench. Will kept his health up by working out in the basement and jogging around its perimeter. Their gas began to run low after the previously mentioned time extent ofa year. They had little food left by January, 2079. Mary became “bedridden,” although they had no real beds other than a pile of sheets and blankets. She was removed from the two’s shack. She slept outside it, and the other two stayed away from her, in fear of catching here sickness.

Outside, gunfire gradually grew again, and but the fog was almost completely receded. Occasionally, about once a month, the fog would rise greatly, and tremors would ensue, the sun would be occluded from view, as well. Then came the day, or rather the night. Mary died, choking on her own vomit. Will tried to help her, but knew nothing ofn[/color[ how to [color=red]properly save her, [Semi colon would work well here.] it didn’t help with Brandon wrenching on Will, thinking he could save her himself.

“Good Night,” he whispered. Not knowing he'd just said hello.  [This is a little senseless. How is that saying hello?]

Will hovered over Brandon’s body for perhaps an hour. His body was half covered in snow; most of his flesh was burned. His mouth was hanging open, and ice was frozen on his cheeks. His eyes had a small, helpless light in them. They shined shone in the bleak morning. Will was completely oblivious to the cold. In the past few months, he had lost his wife before his eyes, and now he didn’t even know how his child died. A light flickered in his head, but it failed to ignite.

Will took a daring step up the stairs. The stairs were somewhat coated with ice, [I'd suggest a semi colon here.] snow and ash had built up around the cooling remains of the walls. A wall stood upon the right of the stairs, the wall still had a railing, and if not for it, it would’ve been impossible for Will to get up the stairs. He climbed the stairs, and at the top, he couldn’t recognize anything. A normal winter’s fog shrouded the world.

Good dialogue in the section where Leon is introduced, nicely realistic and some interesting characterisation.

“Yeah, there are others all right. Some of ‘em human, some of ‘em not so human. I see a lot of military folks, they got fancy armors and guns, all I got is this here revolver, and this .22[It's dialogue so you got to write it out in full. How would you say that? Point twenty-two? Dot twenty-two? If you don't know, look it up, if you do, put it in for poor readers like me ],” Leon gestured at his holster, “I use the revolver, and obviously, well I’m using that, you can’t use the other pistol, you can, however, use this thing.” [Take another look at this line, it doesn't read smooth or make much sense.] Leon grabbed the pistol and handed it to Will.

“Like I was saying, there are these guys who call themselves ‘The Remnant,’ they say they’re from New York, they ain’t got the good stuff like the military, but it’s still better than what I have. And, those non-human ones you ask? I call ‘em zombies! Do you believe that? They just stand around until they see you, then they come running. Then I go bang! The .22 [Again, write it out in full.] takes ‘em out fine, but don’t go engaging the military with that thing, you’ll just get yourself killed.”

“Yeah, lots of things, they always fly on by, but I have noticed that depending on their trail-color they shoot something different. Some shoot ice, some shoot explosives, some even breathe fire!”

The two were on the fourth floor of a hotel, its back corner wall still stood up to about seven stories, although the fourth floor was the highest accessible. Above them, the sky was visible. The snow had stopped fallen falling, a nice change. Before they left “the camp” as Leon called it, Leon showed Will a small shop that he had turned into a shelter. Leon kept three backpacks packedcrammed with items, shelves ready for storage and five recycling bins for carrying. Leon took two of the recycling bins, two backpacks, and found a new belt for Will. He also gave will some equipment, which included: a pocket knife, a combat knife, magazines for his pistol, a flare gun, a magazine, a flashlight, some string, an awl, a bottle of water, matches, an old book, an empty journal still in the packaging, a sleeping bag, kindling, and binoculars.

Wait... they're dragging bins up stairs and filling them up and stuff? And how far have they travelled? That's a little far fetched. Stick to the back-packs or something that's easier to get up four flights of stairs.

“I have never seen that befo—hey!“ Leon’s bin started sliding down the stairs after he accidently accidentally let go. He turned around, tripped, and then fell backwards onto the runaway bin. “I’m Fi—“ his voice rose for a second as he hit a bump, “—ne……Ow!” he laughed.

“Nice gun safety there little boy,” said the other man, he was more joking than mocking, “I’ll put my gun down if you put yours down, let's both step to the side and lower our weapons.”

“Okay, we’ll call for you when we’re back, bye!”

The dialogue is starting to sound really forced here.

“See, there are footsteps in the snow walking in there, and then those icicles arebroking broken in front of the window. He climbed out that way.”

“It’s not from earlier because those icicles are broken, too. Plus those cans are rolling around in there, look through the door on the floor.” Will looked, squinting to see better. On the floor of the store, cans were rolling up against the wall, they caused no sound because there was snow against the wall from a draft. “Those cans wouldn’t be rolling about now if it wasn’t fresh, I’ll show you, give me your pistol. I bet you there’s more of ‘em all around us.”

The two approached the door, Leon was in front. He slowly walked in. Now you could hear it groaning. It’s Its movement clumsy, its faltering steps creating a loud noise on the decaying shop floor. Leon had his back up against the wall, peering down the aisle. He walked sideways. Then he saw movement.

The bullet flew out from the gun. Will couldn’t see it, but he felt and heard it. The bullet hit the soft flesh on the zombies face; you could hear the weak bones cracking as the bullet split the right side of the jawbone into the left collarbone and out the back. The zombie fell backwards, more lifeless than it already was.

The three all packed into the little room, lighting the two unlit lamps. Each made themselves “at home” in the small room. The room had two walls made of concrete and was covered with shelves with cabinets at the bottom. The other two walls were made of wood and sheet metal presumably made by Bill. The room was cold from being beneath a freezer.

The three ran inside a building, waiting for the vehicle to come. It was a jeep marked with a US flag. It rounded the corner fairly quickly, skidding somewhat on the ice. A gunner was on a turret in the back of the vehicle. A snow plow had been attached to the front as well as to more guns mounted on the doors. Four men were in the vehicle, one on the turret, two in the seats, and one sitting on the back. They let the vehicle past pass.

Will had been searching for about 30 minutes. He was on the seventh floor when he heard another car. He heard it stop in the street, likely below him. He waited. He heard yelling, than then a gun shot. Then more yelling.

Will ran after the pickup, pulling out his pistol and firing. The pickup skidded to a halt, spinning around, [Full stop and new sentence here.] at first it looked like they had the upper hand, but after a second of heading towards the two, the truck lost control. The truck swerved into a building, tipping on its side. The four people were thrown from the back, crushed under the car. The car smashed into the side of a building. The gas tank was poorly repaired; the people who owned the car had the gas tank modified, filling it with a highly volatile fuel, as well as sealing the tank tightly. Subsequently, the car exploded.

Alright, that's rather a lot of corrections for a piece of this length; try not to be as sloppy next time. It always pays to read through your work carefully.

You've got some good descriptions here, a fun plot and the start of some descent characterization. I felt that the lines between the characters blurred a little though. While Leon seemed the most rowdy and immature, the other two did their fair share of messing around as well and Will lost a lot of his thoughtfulness and strength of character. He seemed very much in charge early on and that's a habit which dies hard, even after all he's gone through. Then there's Bill who was a doctor. There should be at least some serious aspect to him or something that makes him stand out as his own character. In the brief time that he makes an entrance, I wasn't able to pin his personality down to more than a vague sense of a reasonable, friendly man who goofs around a bit more than he should when the world's gone crazy. At times they seemed almost like a bunch of teenagers which is something you probably want to fix

The only other criticism I have is that Bill's death scene was a little rushed. It was pretty much covered by 'Bill's dead' and there was no talk of the body or anything else which isn't enough for my liking. He's an important character so he needs a little more than that.

Other than that, nicely done. I think this has got some pretty awesome potential and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes next. Feel free to drop me a PM if you have any questions, or when you've put the next part up. Thanks for the read,

Heather xxx

I apologize in advance for any errors, it's almost 3 am x)

PART ONE: Breaking the Fringe of Corruption
Akron, Ohio-Late Summer, 2076 I think there should be spacing between the hyphen, so it doesn’t seem like a split word. Akron, Ohio -- Late Summer, 2076
A green fog was rising, closing in, devouring the city. The buildings in the distance were now only silhouettes, and seemed to dance back and forth as the mist distorted their shape. (Just a rephrasing suggestion), seeming to dance back and forth as the shape of the buildings was distorted. Riots raged, the police were losing. Everything was collapsing, literally; small tremors continued throughout the day Great atmosphere; the mood really comes through. But maybe you could add a bit more. I‘m imaging a decaying city shrouded in green mist, buildings toppling over themselves and littering rubble. I could imagine the bright flicker of yellow torches from the rioters penetrating the fog. I could hear the exhausted echoes of the police as they yelled out orders, only seeming like whispers compared to the chaos that surrounded them. Maybe there were even a few black-eared police dogs, that would occasionally, miraculously, pick up on a scent from beneath the grime on littered city streets. I‘m obviously rambling here, but what I‘m trying to say is don‘t be afraid to go all out on making this city live. This beginning is a very important part of your story; you introduce us into your own world. You want to make us feel what it‘s like, and have us want to stay forever. . People finished boarding up their homes, securing important possessions. The sound of hammers pounding against houses mixed with the ring of gunfire, slowly growing closer, but for now a distant echo.
Brandon was using towels to seal the front door How? I don‘t see how towels could help seal a door. What was he doing with them exactly? . William Krenith, Brandon’s father, pushed a table up against a wall. A hastily armored bus rattled past, the picture window had already been boarded up, days ago A few things about this sentence. First, how could you tell it was a hastily armored bus? You said the windows were boarded up. Also, armored with what? Lastly, what does the picture window have to do with the bus? They don‘t seem to belong in the same sentence. . The bus was only visible through the front door window, to Brandon Oh, I see haha. Red flags hung from some of the open windows, rifles peeked out from within, looking for a challenger It was a little confusing to me, whether you were saying the rifles peeked out of the flag, or from out of the window. In my mind, the flag hung over the window like a curtain. You might want to clear this up somehow. . The flags were labeled with a crude drawing of perhaps an Earth, and below the drawing, the words “The Exodus” sat.
A group of men, carrying rifles, wearing bullet proof vests and battered clothes, walked behind as reinforcement The commas make this sentence drag. Men could be seen marching behind the flag, carrying rifles and wearing bullet-proof vests. You get the same idea across but without the pauses for commas. . The bus moved past. “Dad, we have to board this window still!” shouted Brandon.
“I know, I’m waiting for your Mom mom should be lowercase here. to get home.”
“Dad, I’m scared.”
“I know, everything’s going to be fine. She’s bringing more wood.” William wasn’t sure if she’d ever come back. “Start bringing your boxes down into the basement, make sure they’re off the floor, unless you like your things soaked. We could be down there a while.”
“Okay, I guess I’m done with the sealin’.”
William heard the back door open. He motioned for his son to be quiet. William grabbed his pistol from his belt. It didn’t have a holster; it was tucked into his belt. Again, I would consider rephrasing this to make it flow a little better and seem less ’wordy’. William heard the back door open, and motioned for his son to be quiet. Carefully, he reached for the pistol attached to his belt hoop. These are all just suggestions, of course. You get the idea across, but to me it could sound even smoother. A yelp of pain came from the kitchen as Will crept toward the adjacent hallway. Seconds later, a body hit the ground, unconscious.
“I’m home,” came the voice of Will’s wife, Mary, “or, at least I think I am.”
“You there? Mary?” Will had his pistol aimed down the hallway, unsure of what was there. maybe you could add a few more details. I bet his heart was still thumping erratically in fear, or maybe he had started to sweat. Just a few details to help indicate his fear, or whatever he was feeling.
“Yeah, I got the supplies, period this guy looks like a looter. I threw a stone, I think he’s bleeding, he looks like he’s sleeping.”
“He’s probably unconscious. I’ll hand him to bill Bill should be capitalized, I’m thinking. next-door. He can take care of him.” Will lowered his gun, stuck it back in his belt, and walked into the kitchen. “Meanwhile, you board up the door window in the front. I’ll finish the stairs in a second.”
Mary got to work, while Brandon hooked up cords to the generator in the basement and moved it to a side room, where they made a small ventilation shaft for the generator. Will grabbed the body and called over the fence to his neighbor, Bill. He was a doctor.
“Yeah, Will, is that you?”
“Yep, got a body for you, could you medic him?”
“Sure, I just finished with my last patient.” Will handed him the looters looter’s unconscious body. A couple of the neighbors met together in another house down the street, and fortified other houses on the block for other neighbors to use. Bill was the medic, and across the street, someone sacrificed their house as a storage unit for the block. Personally, I don’t think any of this information is really needed. Obviously, he’s a doctor, you just told us that. The fact that the houses were fortified is implied in the beginning when you tell us about the patrolling men inside holding rifles. Well, I wouldn’t really get rid of all of it, but most of it seems unimportant.
Will ran back into the house, said goodbye to Bill for the second last time what is the second last time supposed to mean? For some reason it sounds like he’s going to die. , and shut the door behind him, and began to board it up. About three hours later, through a basement window, as he put the last board on, he noticed how dark the fog was. You should be extra careful with your sentence structure, making sure everything flows well. I think you tend to use extra commas when something can be rephrased in a simpler way. Three hours later, as he was placing the last board, he noticed how dark the fog had become.
The fog was a dark green, and what was left of the sky was a winter grey. Everything outside had a colorless hue. The gunfire was enveloping the entire world around him. Brandon and Mary sat in a corner, comforting each other. Artillery fire could be heard in the distance. The news had stated yesterday, its last day on the air, that the Sentry Defense Corporation International (if you’re planning on using this phrase a lot, I might suggest to abbreviate it SDCI)had been sighted with artillery vehicles across the country.
The power line in the backyard spontaneously exploded, causing Will to flinch backward. He quickly boarded up the window, not knowing if he would ever see this world again. He forgot something; he never said goodbye. He walked to the little shack that they built in the corner.
“I am going to start the power, period flip that switch to turn on the air purifier after I turn the generator on. I tell you in a minute why I did all the sealing.” Will had disconnected the houses power earlier. He walked to the generator, opened the ventilation hatch, filled the generator with gas, and connected a flexible pipe to the generator; this pipe would channel out all of the fumes from the generator, no comma through the small vent he had made. He looked at the cupboard against the wall, and opened it. He had calculated, no comma yesterday, no comma how long he could last with the gas he had. About a year and a half. He had enough food and water, if rationed properly, that would last for about two years. He pulled the cord on the generator, and it started up. He had heard stories from his grandparents that generators used to be ear-splitting, but this one was quiet, period or semicolon you could be ten feet from it and not even know that it was there.
“Guys comma lanterns off, period flip the switch Mary!” Mary hit the air purifier switch, and Brandon hit the light switch (simultaneously) . The two turned off the small lantern that they had used to light the basement prior.
Will walked into the small shack. They all sat together on a pile of sheets. “I made you guys block everything and seal it all because yesterday, on that newscast, they said that there was something toxic in the air. You guys know those stories about how people thought they saw tons of UFOs taking off in the past week?
“Well, I guess, period they said that the Eden Corporation office buildings were found empty Wednesday, none of their employees could be found, and hundreds of others had started up missing. A picture had even been found of the ships saying ‘Eden Corp.’ On Tuesday, they said that the UFOs, which had been thought at this point to be completely theirs, started to leave a trail of thick red smoke behind them. They watched the strange mist fall, and they discovered it was toxic. To me, this doesn’t seem like realistic dialogue. It sounds like you’re making her say all this to make the plot clear. Realistic would sound like: Will- You guys know those stories about how people thought they saw tons of UFO’s taking off in the past week? Mary- Yeah, what about them?
“When they said that the green fog was starting to be sighted, they said that people began acting crazy, and that the fog contained strange properties. The fog also had the same toxic chemical as the red smoke. I don’t really have any theories, but when this morning when I saw that fog, I thought I should take the precaution of sealing everything.” After talking for an hour or so, they played a board game, and then went to sleep this sentence comes out of nowhere. You were in the middle of this important conversation, which was getting quite interesting, and you seem to stop in the middle to say ‘and then they played a board game‘. Why don‘t you tell us what else they discussed? . By the next morning, everything was quiet and still outside, except for an occasional burst of gunfire. I’d add another line or two of space before you start this next part.
Akron, Ohio-Mid Autumn, 2076 Same as before, it seems a little cluttered.
Akron, Ohio -- Mid-Autumn, 2076
By now, barely any gunfire was heard. Will removed the wood from one of the windows, but left it sealed. He refilled the generator, and on a little gas stove, he made soup for the now ailing Brandon. Looking out the window, the green fog was not nearly as bad as it was a week ago. Now, a pattern had been observed by Will. He noticed that the fog reached a peek peak at noon. That peek peak was not where it had been a week ago Where was it a week ago? You never told us. . It was closer towards the horizon.
“Dad, when can we leave?”
“I don’t really know.”
“But, there’s nothing happening outside anymore! It’s just snowing!” Snowing in mid-autumn?
“Yeah, but you hear the gunfire sometimes. Do you wanna get shot? By spring, somebody might go out and turn on the power and repair lines. Do you know how bad that could be? They could burn the city down!”
“Stop comma Will. Be quiet. What if there are looters?” said Mary. I really like this dialogue. First of all, it sounds very realistic, like actual people talking to each other. Second, you do a great job setting the mood and characters. We can tell that Will is pretty frustrated and aggravated, and the situation is making everyone a bit on edge. Also, I love how you left out any boring dialogue tags like ’he said, she said’ and just let them speak. It was very easy to follow.
“I know,” replied Will, “I just don’t think it’s safe yet.” Will did know when he should leave. When the fog was gone (he wasn’t sure if it would ever be gone, but he had a good, and correct, feeling that the fog was dangerous),period he just wasn’t sure how to explain his theory. “Shh, I hear something…” Will motioned for the others to get away from the window. Footsteps could be heard outside. The snow crunched beneath the unknown creature’s feet. The “creature” turned out to be a human, walking lifelessly by the window. Will watched as the man clumsily moved passed past, unaware of Will’s presence.
The man’s skin was pale, his clothes were torn and ragged, you could see his legs, and the veins were visible, crawling around the bone, a strange red look to them from the normal blue. They bulged from the skin. He also looked like he was wearing only socks. I thought you said he had torn and ragged clothes, and then you say it looked like he was only wearing socks. Besides that, I liked the description.
He waited about four minutes of deafening silence. Far from peace, the moment was filled with anxiety, and unspoken words that had yet to be spoken, and would form questions. However, these answers wouldn’t be known for a while. I didn’t really like this. First, deafening silence implies an unsettling feeling. And the part about ‘oh, these answers won’t be known for a while’ just seems unnecessary and takes us out of the moment.
“He’s gone, I think. He looked like a person, a man, but, he couldn’t be alive with those clothes. They were full of holes; he looked like he was a zombie!” He’s gone, I think. He looked like a man, but he couldn’t have been in his right mind walking around in those half-eaten clothes like a zombie. (just a suggestion)
“He could be close to death!” exclaimed Mary. She got up and ran to the door. Will blocked her. Another picky comment, but her reaction was odd. You make her seem like the ‘female character’ that does stupid girly things for no reason, like running up to a zombie because she wants to help it. I know that you want Mary’s character to be smart, so why did you make her do something so dumb like this? It’s pushing on stereotypes. If anything, I thought it would be realistic if the kid would say ‘then why don’t we help it?’ because children are usually the ones with the innocent minds.
“You can’t go out! It’s not safe yet!”
“You won’t know until you leave!”
“But if it’s dangerous you’re going to die!”
“Maybe I don’t care! Maybe we’ll never leave; I’d rather die up there than down here.”
“Everything’s going to be fine!” yelled Will back. Neither of their wishes came true. I don’t like how you interject into the story like this. It takes us out of the moment.
Also, I wish you would’ve stayed in this scene a little longer, because the tension between those two was at its height, and it was pretty interesting. And then you stopped and moved on to the next part.
Akron, Ohio-Autumn 2076-January, 2079
Over the course of the next two years, Brandon’s health improved, although he grew ever more weightless I thought I should point out that you never actually told us what Brandon was sick with, or what his symptoms were. , as for the rest of them, Mary grew extremely ill, and began vomiting into their bathroom area, causing a formidable stench this makes me wonder how this family went to the bathroom being locked up in hiding. Were they still able to flush toilets? If not, there would be a much worse stench than vomit in the air. . Will kept his health up by working out in the basement and jogging around its perimeter. Their gas began to run low after a year. They had little food left by January, 2079. Mary became “bedridden,” although they had no real beds other than a pile of sheets and blankets. She was removed from the two’s shack. She slept outside it, and the other two stayed away from her, in fear of catching here her sickness. Alright, to me this is just a little harsh. Wouldn’t at least her husband be there to comfort her from time to time? Who’s idea was it to have her stay away from the rest of them? Did they force her out or did she insist she stay away from them? Details like that make a lot of difference in the story. Also, why didn’t they do the same thing with Brandon when he was sick? Surely they must’ve had the same thoughts that whatever he had was contagious too. It doesn’t really make any sense.
Outside, gunfire gradually grew again, but the fog was almost completely receded. Occasionally, about once a month, the fog would rise greatly, and tremors would ensue, the sun would be occluded from view, as well They‘ve discovered that about once a month, the fog would rise, occluding the sun from view, and tremors would shake the small shack they occupied. . Then came the day, or rather the night. Mary died, choking on her own vomit . Will tried to help her, but knew nothing of how to save her; it didn’t help with Brandon wrenching on Will, thinking he could save her himself.
“When will we leave Daddy, when?” cried Brandon. Three weeks later, Will caught Brandon trying to commit suicide during the night, after that, Will watched Brandon carefully; however, his efforts were in vain, as he only prolonged Brandon’s imminent death. I have to say that although this last part is emotional, it’s rushed. In only a few sentences, you explain how Mary died and her small child tried committing suicide. Something like this can’t just simply be explained like ‘the days wore on, and Mary eventually died, and then Brandon tried to kill himself… now onto the next part of the story.’ This IS the story. What are you trying to rush for? What could more important than the emotion Will must’ve felt at this time?
Akron, Ohio-March 5th, 2079
William dreamt of a child screaming in agony. It was a scorching hot day. Will was chained down, he couldn’t move. He heard the child screaming, rolling around on the ground, helpless. The screams turned to sobs, then they slowly became more distant, an echo of the past. In what seemed like hours of lying helplessly, the crying long gone, the child’s shaking ceased. It seemed like a deliberate attempt to torture Will. It was never completely quiet in the dream, however. Birds chirped softly in the background. The chains that held his arms began to gradually fade away. Will sat up, and without any control of himself, he walked to the pool, and simply walked into it. Instead of cooling relief upon hitting the water, he felt a burning sensation, as well as a numbing cold. The burning was only on specific parts of him, and it slowly died to a warm, soothing feeling, whereas the cold was steady.
His eyes opened. A gentle snowflake landed on his hand. The wind made a hollow whistling sound, it was gentle, calming, yet permeated the air with a sense of solitude. More snowflakes fell. These were not cold, wintry type snowflakes, they were snowflakes that were warm, and didn’t melt. It was ash. Instead of darkness, and a moldy cellar roof, Will was looking into a grey, cloudy winter sky. Something wasn’t right here, but what?
Everything began coming back to Will. Mary? Brandon? This had to be a dream, but it wasn’t. Mary’s body lay sealed in the empty cabinet, Brandon, but Brandon was still alive wasn’t he? His lifeless corpse lay on what was the basement floor. Motionless. Will, with a trembling gait, approached his body. He kissed his cheek. This confused me. You said he was looking up into the sky, so that meant he was outside, right? Then you say how he was in the basement, looking at this dead son. How did he get there? How did he die?
“Good Night,” he whispered. Not knowing he just said hello. I didn’t understand what this meant, either.
***
Will hovered over Brandon’s body for perhaps an hour. His body was half covered in snow; most of his flesh was burned. His mouth was hanging open, and ice was frozen on his cheeks. His eyes had a small, helpless light in them. They shone in the bleak morning. Will was completely oblivious to the cold. In the past few months, he had lost his wife before his eyes, and now he didn’t even know how his child died. A light flickered in his head, but it failed to ignite.
After beginning to rationalize some thoughts, Will decided to look at his surroundings, and perhaps try to forget about the past his son just died, and he‘s trying to force himself to forget about him? A loving father would never try to forget the memory of Brandon, no matter how painful it was. . It was a new world.
Everything was gone, the walls of the basement and foundation stood, he wasn’t sure what everything looked like, though, as he was below ground level. The stairs were to his left. The walls only went up somewhat, only a shell of the brick on the outside was left. The tops of the walls looked charred. The cabinet that had Mary’s body sealed in it was burnt around its edges.
Will took a daring step up the stairs. The stairs were somewhat coated with ice; snow and ash had built up around the cooling remains of the walls. A wall stood upon the right of the stairs, the wall still had a railing, and if not for it, it would’ve been impossible for Will to get up the stairs. He climbed the stairs the repetition of ‘stairs‘ is obvious, try switching some words around , and at the top, he couldn’t recognize anything. A normal winter’s fog shrouded the world.
Barely a house stood, snow and ice covered everything. It would have had a strange beauty to it if not for the flecks of gray ash in the white snow. Solitary walls stood, panels on houses were charred, only the walls of the basement and the walls of a corner of Will’s house stood. The snow gently fell, as if unaware of the destruction. Brandon’s body was barely visible, only his head poked out. Will collapsed on what was a wood floor, burned away by the fire.
“Who did this!” uttered Will in a half scream. He pounded the foundation with his fists, his tears almost freezing in his eyes. Parts of the rug still remained on the floor. Something startled him.
A screech of a creature unknown filled the air. The sound deafened Will. The sound had a high pitch; nothing other than the sound could be heard. Will shuddered. He turned around to face the source.
A creature with blue lines running around its face swooped downward out of the sky. It left an icy blue trail behind it. It charged forward, now the beast was at ground level, hovering slightly above the terrain. Snow was being thrown about behind the creature. Within the next moment, the creature was in the backyard, then at the burned wall of the house.
Will froze in terror, unable to move, unable to scream. Everything seemed to slow down. The creature seemed to crawl past Will. The beast had one long tail, extending backward about ten feet. The creature’s head was only a foot from him. Things seemed to speed up again, and thinking back, he could only remember a blur. The creature’s passing had sent will Will flying backward. It swooped back up into the air like nothing happened. Will sat for another five minutes, breathing heavily.
No birds could be heard, no humans, not even another creature. He got up, and simply walked into the city. After walking through the desolate city, a shard of color entered the world. He walked towards it. The light danced around, calling him.
Only the banging of doors and shutters could be heard, as well as the occasional crumbling of a building. All of the buildings were missing their windows. Buildings were burned down, walls were missing. repetition of ‘building’ is obvious.
The light was from a fire, the red glow welcoming him from the depressing grey. A pot of water was suspended over the fire by a small grate of sticks. The fire was contained by rocks and chunks of concrete. In the center there was a pile of charcoal, burning steadily. The water was boiling. There was a thick cloth burned burning slightly in the center to the right of the fire. Will grabbed the cloth, semicolon it was presumably used as a hot pad.
He used it to remove the pot from the fire. His movements were shaky, and he quickly realized at how dry his mouth was. He sat for a minute.
“Ya…ya…you…over there! You alive? You like ‘hem t’ings?” called a voice. Will jumped in astonishment, he dropped the cloth and it flew into the wall of a building. He got up and spun around in a clumsy action. He saw a head peeking over a box in an alley.
“A human? I thought I was alone!” said Will.
“I thought I was too!” said the man. They ran towards each other, greeting each other, neither really knew knowing how to act. They were both laughing, standing in the middle of the street, each thinking they were insane. This part is great!
“Come, take a sip of some water, buddy!” said the man, gesturing towards the fire.
“Thanks,” said Will, “what’s your name?”
“The name’s Leon.” They sat down in the snow on the sidewalk by the fire. A few minutes passed, each contemplating whether or not the other was real. Leon lifted his gloved hand, and reached out, poking him in the side.
“Uh, what was that?” said Will as he turned his head slowly to face Leon.
“I just wasn’t sure if you were real, that’s all.”
“Okay, how ‘bout a sip of water? I think it’s cool now.”
“Drink from the side with the broken handle. Oh, and I think everything’s just a little more than cool now.” chuckled Leon as he peered upward at the falling snowflakes and ash, the towering buildings and large icicles dangling from ledges and windowsills. Will picked up the pot of water and drank from it. The water was the best he’d ever had. He handed it to Leon.
“Thanks.”

After about an hour of talking, telling each other the dramatic tales of cellar living and city scavenging, Leon felt it was time for the present to make its way into the conversation. Will talked more about life before the collapse than life in the basement, he felt better keeping that to himself, and to think more on the future and that he was alive.
“Well, I only have enough food for me, and only for the next week, let’s do some scavenging. I’ll teach you what I know. Been out here for about a week, haven’t seen anyone willing to talk and not shoot.”
“‘Anyone?’” inquired Will.
“Yeah, there are others all right. Some of ‘em human, some of ‘em not so human. I see a lot of military folks, they got fancy armor and guns, all I got is this here revolver, and this .22,” Leon gestured at his holster, “I use the revolver, and obviously, well I’m using that, I can’t use the other pistol, you can, however, use this thing Here you use a comma just about every other word, and if you read it with the pauses in place, it sounds really weird. .” Leon grabbed the pistol and handed it to Will.
“Like I was saying, there are these guys who call themselves ‘The Remnant,’ they say they’re from New York, they ain’t got the good stuff like the military, but it’s still better than what I have. And, no comma those non-human ones you ask? I call ‘em zombies! Do you believe that? They just stand around until they see you, then they come running. Then I go bang hahaha x)! The .22 takes ‘em out fine, but don’t go engaging the military with that thing, you’ll just get yourself killed.” I like this guy x)
“Dying would not be fun…” this lightheartedness doesn’t seem to fit Will’s character, especially since his kid just died like, an hour ago.
“Got that right. Oh, and I have been seeing these flying things about, nev—”
“You’ve seen them, too? One flew right past me!”
“Didn’t shoot?”
“Oh, they can shoot?”
“Yeah, lots of things, they always fly on by, but I have noticed that depending on their trail-color they shoot something different. Some shoot ice, some shoot explosives, some even breath fire!”
“I was lucky. You make a lot of observations in a week.”
“The thing I haven’t got to see is one of them clearly, or why the U.S. military’s trying to kill us!”
“You think it was conspiracy?”
“Maybe, all I know is that I want a nice safe colony and, when you’re trying to survive, you pay attention to everything.”
“Ah…” said Will, he rubbed his hands together, and after a minute of contemplation, Leon spoke again.
“Like I had said, let’s go do some scavengin’.”
“Sounds okay to me.”

***
The two were on the fourth floor of a hotel, its back corner wall still stood up to about seven stories, although the fourth floor was the highest accessible. Above them, the sky was visible. The snow had stopped falling, a nice change. Before they left “the camp” as Leon called it, Leon showed Will a small shop that he had turned into a shelter. Leon kept three backpacks crammed with items, shelves ready for storage and five recycling bins for carrying. Leon took two of the recycling bins, two backpacks, and found a new belt for Will. He also gave will some equipment, which included: a pocket knife, a combat knife, magazines for his pistol, a flare gun, a magazine, a flashlight, some string, an awl, a bottle of water, matches, an old book, an empty journal still in the packaging, a sleeping bag, kindling, and binoculars. These seem like cliché items that wouldn’t be of any use. Why would Will want to carry around so much stuff? What was he supposed to do with a journal, especially if he didn’t have anything to write with? Or binoculars, I mean who really uses those anymore?
“Leon?” called Will as he gazed downward from a window to the streets below.
“Yeah, I will be right there! Could ‘ya help me?” Leon’s voice called back. Will put down his bin, so far, he had collected a couple batteries, nicer gloves, and a wallet. Will ran to the stairs; the elevator had crashed to the basement and the power was out.
“How did you get all this?” asked Will, pointing to Leon’s bin full of food.
“It was in the freezer, everything was still fresh.”
“But, isn’t the power out?”
“Uh…” Leon’s voice trailed off. The sound of glass smashing apart on brick became clear in a few seconds. Whipping sounds and the same penetrating screeches that Will heard earlier appeared again, however these shrieks were much more bearable.
“What’s that!” yelled Will. He ducked out of instinct, and looked upward. The same type of creature that he saw before flew overhead. Another flying beast appeared behind the first; however this one had no color. Neither of the beasts had paid attention to the two people below; they were caught up with their own problems. They kept on flying, the one in the front spun 180 degrees, and then began firing something at the pursuer. The pursuer was more agile, however, and did not fire until close to the other one.
“See, that one’s shooting ice! That’s what that noise was. Don’t worry too much; I’ve never really seen these alien things attack humans. But, what’s…” Leon’s question was answered, “oh, fire!”
The colorless alien began spitting out a steady beam of fire, but with limited range. The blue creature dived downward, then flew away, trying to gain more distance. Instead of pursuit, though, the colorless one looked upward, and then something that resembled heat waves started to emanate from it. The air around it began to ripple; the outward look of the waves began to reverse. The creature seemed to implode, and then a large arm of fire darted outward in the direction of its now gone-from-site adversary. A ball of fire surrounded where the creature had been.
“I have never seen that befo—hey!“ Leon’s bin started sliding down the stairs after he accidentally let go. He turned around, tripped, and then fell backwards onto the runaway bin. “I’m Fi—“ his voice rose for a second as he hit a bump, “—ne……Ow!” he laughed.
“That’s got to hurt!” said Will. Will turned around, the alien was gone and so was the fire.
“Well, there was power in there, the food’s all fresh,” Leon got up from the bin, then continued, “Why did I bring this up here?”
“Because you’re an idiot.” answered Will. “Let me get my bin, start bringing that back down.” Will went to his grab his bin, while about to grab it, a gunshot sounded.

Leon was all the way down the stairs when he heard something. A footstep, then a stumbling sound. Leon dropped his bin, let it slide to the bottom, he followed it down. He took his revolver out, and then got ready to fire. He turned the corner into the lobby. In the back of the lobby, pots and pans could be heard crashing into each other. He heard someone yell out in pain. Slowly, he crept towards the front desk. After he heard nothing more, he slid his backpack off, and then proceeded to turn around and peer over the counter. The lobby had a large café area adjacent the sitting area behind Leon. Leon vaulted the desk.
“Who’s there!” he heard someone get up and run. He shot the door. Somebody screamed in fear. From the scream, he might’ve been able to tell if it was a boy or girl.
“I’ve got a gun, too!” said another voice. Leon charged at the door, kicking it open. The door flew into the wall and then sprang back into place, catching Leon’s foot. Leon fell to the ground, effectively recovering with a roll. He was in a dark room. The room had pots and pans swinging about from hooks on the ceiling. Two rows of tables, stoves, and coffee machines created three aisles, two against the walls and one in the center. Down the center lane, a man stood, his gun ready. Both men stood aiming at each other. Luckily, neither shot.
“Nice gun safety there little boy,” said the other man, he was more joking than mocking, “I’ll put my gun down if you put yours down, lets both step to the side and lower our weapons.”
“How’d you know I wasn’t one of those things?”
“I don’t think they would’ve shot at nothing. Have you ever dissected one?”
“No, did you?”
“A little, a chunk of arm. Now let’s step aside.” said the other man. They both kept their aim forward, and each cautiously moved to the right. The strange man lowered his gun, Leon followed.
“Good, I’ve seen plenty of military folk around this part, kind of bare this week.”
“Same. Thanks for not shooting,” replied Leon, he stepped forward and gestured to shake hands. “Name’s Leon.”
“Bill, I was a doctor.” Oh, it’s Bill! Which reminds me. When Mary and Brandon were deathly ill, how come Will didn’t take them to Bill (who lived right across the street) to treat them?
“Leon?” called a familiar voice.
“Who’s that? Your friend?” questioned Bill.
“Yeah,” said Leon.
“You left someone alone?”
“Bad idea I guess.” He then raised his voice and called out, “Back here, met a friend!”
Will walked into the room, “Bill?”
“Will!” The two ran up to each other and shook hands. “Never thought I’d see you again!”
“Me too,” laughed Will.
“Know each other?”
“Neighbors.” said the two in unison.
“So, wait, Leon? You know that food you found, that was probably his, Bill you got a generator?” The two looked at each other and Bill nodded. “Ah, that explains why there was all that food! It was his food and his generator!”
“Can I have my food back? I thought the military might’ve taken it.”
“Fine,” said Leon in disappointment, “we tried.” Bill laughed. Leon went back to the front desk and grabbed his stuff. He put on the backpack and brought the recycling bin into the back room. Hey, Bill, I’m going to go back to my camp and bring some of the important stuff back, that okay?”
“Take Will, I have a secret shelter, I’ll be fine.” Bill walked over to the freezer room, bringing the bin in. “See, there’s these loose tiles here,” he lifted a tile on the floor, “Under these four tiles here, there is a hatch, I built a ladder into the basement and boarded off a room.”
“So, if we don’t see you, you’re in there? Sure, we’ll call for you when we’re back, bye!”
Leon and Will were walking down a street when Will decided it was time to ask some questions. The streets were quiet and bare, nothing to be seen other than icicles and the occasional decaying corpse.
“I thought you said there were zombies or something out here? There’s nothing! Can’t say I am disappointed or anything, but you made it sound like there’s tons of danger.”
“I’ve seen ‘em, you or they just haven’t seen each other, no need to draw attention.”
“Do you see one now, bet you you don’t.”
“Actually I do.”
“Where,” said Will. The two weren’t fighting; it was more a childish bet, “I don’t see anything.”
“Hey, stop a sec,” Leon grabbed Will’s shoulder and pointed towards the window of a shop, “In there.”
“How do you know?”
“See, there are footsteps in the snow walking in there, and then those icicles are broken in front of the window. He climbed out that way.”
“How did you see that? And how do you know that’s not from earlier?”
“It’s not from earlier because those icicles are broken, too. Plus those cans are rolling around in there, look through the door on the floor.” Will looked, squinting to see better. On the floor of the store, cans were rolling up against the wall, they caused no sound because there was snow against the wall from a draft. “Those cans wouldn’t be rolling about now if it wasn’t fresh, I’ll show you, give me your pistol. I bet you there’s more of ‘em all around us.”
The two approached the door, Leon was in front. He slowly walked in. Now you could hear it groaning. Its movement clumsy, its faltering steps creating a loud noise on the decaying shop floor. Leon had his back up against the wall, peering down the aisle. He walked sideways. Then he saw movement.
“Got ya.” He whispered to himself. He positioned his finger on the trigger.
“Just shoot already!” called Will. The creature turned around in the aisle. It caught sight of Leon. The zombie broke into a sprint. Leon pulled the trigger.
The bullet flew out from the gun. Will couldn’t see it, but he felt and heard it. The bullet hit the soft flesh on the zombies face; you could hear the weak bones cracking as the bullet split the right side of the jawbone into the left collarbone and out the back. The zombie fell backwards, more lifeless than it already was.
“You wanna see it? And, oh, next time, keep quiet please.” Will walked over to Leon, and then looked at the dead zombie. “Let me show you the many more that await us.” Leon walked out the door and motioned for Will to follow.
“See, up there on that skyway.” He pointed up at a skyway that crossed over the street about 15 stories up. Sure enough, a zombie stood walking around pointlessly in the skyway. “And, over there!” Leon pointed to what looked like a dead body.
“That’s one of those things?” asked Will.
“Yeah, they actually sleep too.” Leon shot it. The two kept walking on, Leon pointing out the creatures constantly. Leon gave Will his gun back.
About two hours later, Leon and Will returned with other supplies from Leon’s camp.
“Bill? Bill? Bill!” A tone of worry increased in their voices as they called for Bill. “Let’s check the tiles he showed us, probably a better first check.”
They walked over to the room. Bill was inside.
“Hey, you’re back, I see.”
“Yeah,” said Leon.
“I used your sleeping bags and set them up down here. At night I turn the generator off and use these old lamps.” Bill pointed to three kerosene lamps in his “bunker.”
“I don’t see why they still made those.” Will said climbing down the ladder to the secret room.
“Did I say you could come down here? Just kidding, it’s getting late anyways.”
The three all packed into the little room, lighting the two unlit lamps. Each made themselves “at home” in the small room. The room had two walls made of concrete and was covered with shelves with cabinets at the bottom. The other two walls were made of wood and sheet metal presumably made by Bill. The room was cold from being beneath a freezer.
Akron, Ohio- March 6th, 2079
Will was the first to awake. Everything was still like it always was. The room was dark as only one of the lamps still burned.
“Guys, wake up!” Will woke the others, kicking them gently. The two looked up. “Good morning.”
“Will, you’re going to learn soon, I hope, that out here, you have to sleep in to enjoy yourself. The longer you sleep, the less of a dreary existence you have to live.”
“There are three of us! We could start a colony just like you said!”
“A three person colony? Really, Will?”
“Better than nothing,” interjected Bill.
“Ha,” said Will in a childish tone.
“Let’s get up and do some scavenging, we could use some burning stuff.” Bill got up and climbed the ladder, pushing the tiles over. He pulled his gun out before he peeked out.
“Clear.” He climbed out. “Come on up,” he said.
The other two came up, extinguishing the remaining lamp.
“I’m going to go start the generator, don’t worry.”
“Can I make some breakfast?” asked Leon, “Haven’t eaten this good in forever!”
“Sure, and Will, feel free to just sit around” said Bill.
“Actually, Will, go to the front door and look for zombies so you can practice shooting,” said Leon, “don’t worry, they are already dead.” hehe x)

After about an hour of making a breakfast, they ate for another hour, and then set off on a scavenging run. The three were walking quietly down a street. A sound became clear after a few minutes. It was growing closer. The sound of yelling also became clear. The rumbling sound was distinguishable as it approached further. It was a vehicle of some sort. The yelling died down, somebody was giving orders.
“Who could that be? Quick, inside that shop!” yelled Bill. “There’s no way to know who you can trust, you two are the only ones I’ve met that didn’t try to kill me, for the most part.” He whispered under his breath, “Leon.”
The three ran inside a building, waiting for the vehicle to come. It was a jeep marked with a US flag. It rounded the corner fairly quickly, skidding somewhat on the ice. A gunner was on a turret in the back of the vehicle. A snow plow had been attached to the front as well as to more guns mounted on the doors. Four men were in the vehicle, one on the turret, two in the seats, and one sitting on the back. They let the vehicle pass.
“The Military usually means trouble. Keep your distance,” said Leon, “Let’s split up and search this area. Stay in this building, that building, and that building. I’ll take this one.”
“I call that one.” Will got up and ran towards one of the buildings.
“Bye Bill, not that I’m going far.”

Will had been searching for about 30 minutes. He was on the seventh floor when he heard another car. He heard it stop in the street, likely below him. He waited. He heard yelling, and then a gun shot. Then more yelling.
He ran down the stairs, running as fast as possible. When he got to the bottom, he saw a pickup truck driving off with an unknown flag on it and four men with weapons standing in the back. The truck sped off, leaving a cloud of dust.
“Bill! Leon!”
“Bill’s dead.”
“What! No!” Will was infuriated. He pulled out his pistol and ran after the truck, still in easy view, and in range. “I can’t stand this place! There’s nothing left to lose! ”
“Will No!”
Will ran after the pickup, pulling out his pistol and firing. The pickup skidded to a halt, spinning around. At first it looked like they had the upper hand, but after a second of heading towards the two, the truck lost control. The truck swerved into a building, tipping on its side. The four people were thrown from the back, crushed under the car. The car smashed into the side of a building. The gas tank was poorly repaired; the people who owned the car had the gas tank modified, filling it with a highly volatile fuel, as well as sealing the tank tightly. Subsequently, the car exploded.
The car was about 500 feet away. A fireball lifted from the car, blocking the street. The massive explosion damaged the walls of a building. The shockwave sent Will to the ground. The buildings around it caught on fire. Very exciting and realistic description!
“We have to get out of here!” cried Leon. He ran. Will got to his feet and followed Leon. The snow around the area was melted; the buildings were slowly catching on fire. Something emerged from the fog. The two flying Aliens once again.
Shards of ice shattered on the ground ten feet from Will. Now the blue Alien was the pursuer. The blue Alien kept on a tight follow with the colorless Alien. The shards that hit the ground were all strays. The Aliens kept on towards the burning buildings, Will and Leon kept on towards the hotel.
***
Will and Leon arrived at the hotel. Will ran inside the shelter room while Leon made Dinner. Will couldn’t think, his thoughts were racing, he was just tired. He slept until dinner.

Overall, I think you have a great sense of imagination and this story has tons of potential! The apocalyptic world scenario has been done many times before, but you’ve got so much else going on (the aliens, zombies, and corrupt military) that it really boosts the excitement and keeps us on edge, guessing what could happen next. I’m glad to see that you’re able to keep things unexpected, and aren’t scared to kill off your characters. It shows how much of a risk taker you are.

As I read, I went through and added in comments and corrections along the way. Hopefully they are easy to understand and if you have any questions send me a PM reply and I’ll do all I can to help you out.

I did see definite strengths in your writing, like I already mentioned (your creativity, imagination, and risk taking). But I also found a few weakness, too. Your characters, descriptions, and general emotion were lacking in my opinion. I’ll tell you what I mean.

First, your characters. The most important part of any story. To put it simply, I don’t know who they are. I can’t see any significant difference between Will and Bill. Mary and Brandon died as unknowns. Was Mary a loving mother? An affectionate wife? A strong spirit? Did she have a profession? Maybe she was a writer or loved to garden or used to make delicious Sheppard’s pie. We don’t know. And we never will know, because she died before you got the chance to tell us who she was. The same goes for Brandon. It seems like these people only exist to benefit your main character, Will, and give us a reason to feel sympathetic to him when they die.
The only person I really found interesting, even enjoyable, was Leon.

Onto description. First, description of your characters. I haven’t found a single character description in this entire chapter. Granted, I can still picture them in my head. Will is a middle-aged man with thin black hair and a square jaw. Brandon looked a lot like him, but surprisingly thin and fragile for his age. Mary was tall with long brown hair and sad eyes, like a basset hound. The only problem with these descriptions is that they are not yours, and are most likely not true. It’s your job as a storyteller to give us every detail into your world, so we can imagine and experience it the same way you have.

Description of the world in general, or setting. You gave us a lot of good details, like how the city was pretty much falling apart and everything was destroyed in some way or another. Green mist floats around everywhere, sometimes obscuring the sun. Aliens flying through the air. Military units buzzing around. The only thing I had an issue with was the lack of beauty in the way you describe. It’s very ‘telly’ (the building looked like this. The aliens looked like this. The walls looked like this). There wasn’t any grace in your words and the way your sentences were structured felt very stiff. The only thing I can suggest is to strive to be as poetic and original as possible in the way you describe things, to really make your writing style stand out.

And my last point, emotion. I found it very strange that you did not mention Will’s mourning after his wife died. It makes it seem like she was utterly unimportant to him. Also, the fact that he locked her body up in a cabinet just seems kind of… morbid. I could not find it in me to stuff the body of a loved one in such an unnatural space. Then after his son died, not long after, he decides to forget about them. If one of your close family members died, could you find it in yourself to say ‘well, nothing can be done about it. The best thing would be to move on and start a new life’ ? If you really loved them, I imagine you’d want to keep their memory alive. Revenge might be a more realistic response.
For the rest of the chapter after that point, the mood felt too light and happy. Especially if you take into account that it was the same day Will found the body of his dead son. On a side note, it felt like Will, Leon, and Bill were acting more like boys than men, but that might just be me. The way they spoke just didn’t seem like they were taking the situation they were in seriously enough.

Wow, this turned out to be a pretty long review x) Sorry if I bored you. Hopefully some of this was helpful!

Like I said, PM me if you have any questions/comments about anything!