Young Writers Society

I stepped out into the harsh fluorescent lighting of the cafeteria and away from the aggressive students who were still pushing to get a hold of their lunches. My breath caught in my chest as I fought to stay normal, and not run screaming out of there like I was so often tempted to do lately. It would be much easier just to blend into the background.

Though I wasn’t always like this, craving alone time like I was then. In fact, I used to hate being alone.

But recently, after events that basically ruined my life, I found happiness in it. Happiness that seemed to come from just being able to get away from it all, away from all my problems that were weighing me down.

My gaze raked around the room, packed with all the hormonal teenagers that populated the school, and I found that a part of me still longed for the company of friends. Especially when my eyes fell on one single table on the right side of the room.

The group sitting there seemed utterly normal and unremarkable, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. It was like I was being drawn to them by some invisible chain, trying to yank me into submission.

But what had happened was too strong for the chain to break, and I knew that I couldn’t go back to them. I couldn’t go crawling back because of my own stupid pride, along with the fact that they would probably lynch me if I came near.

They sat there, completely oblivious to me or my staring, and went on with their day as if nothing was going on. Like they had already forgotten that I had ever been a part of their group.

Then I realized that one of them was staring back at me. He looked at me like he was trying to figure out what I wanted, and I didn’t blame him for that. I probably looked like an idiot standing there, frozen with a look of longing on my face.

I straightened up like a startled fawn, and my hands tightened on the tray in front of my body. Our gazes were locked, and I couldn’t seem to look away. It was like there was a force field holding us together, without any distractions at all from the other people around, just the two of us.

But then, it was over, as suddenly as it had begun. I blinked in confusion as I stared at the table again, seeing that another one in the group had caught his attention, causing him to break the spell. His face was twisted up into a joyous grin, as if nothing had just happened, and I was reminded of what had happened. I must have just imagined what had just happened a moment ago.

And that was what I told myself as I shook my head, and resolutely glided out of the room and into the gloriously empty hallway.

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Nobody really ever came and sat out in the hall during lunch, so it was solitary, leaving me able to think. It was my favourite place to go when I wanted to get away; at least during lunchtime anyways.

I set the lunch tray down beside where I was sitting, and tried not to keep going over the moment in the cafeteria where my eyes met his. It was just so incredibly stupid, to be dwelling over that for so long, but I couldn’t help myself. I had known him for so long, been friends with him even, so why was this making me feel so strongly? Not to mention the fact that we weren’t even on speaking terms anymore.

I leaned my head back against the wall behind me, closing my eyes tightly as if that would make everything better. Almost like I was holding out hope that things would go back to the way they were before everything got all messed up.

Just then, I heard a shuffling sound and felt someone watching me. My eyes flew open in shock as I realised that I wasn’t alone, and I was amazed to see him standing there in front of me.

He looked a bit sheepish and uncomfortable as he looked down, and his brown hair flopped over his eyes a bit. I had never seen him like that, and it was a bit disconcerting to be witnessing that just then.

“Hey,” he said, keeping his eyes trained on my face as I stared up at him. I closed my mouth and looked down as he waited for an answer, needing to clear my thoughts a bit before talking to him.

I didn’t understand why he was talking to me at all. It was pretty obvious before that none of them had wanted anything to do with me. So why him? Why now?

“Hey.” I croaked out, not looking up and making my hair fall over my face so he wouldn’t see the deep red blush that was surely appearing on my face that very second. What was wrong with me?

He cleared his throat a bit and sat down in front of me. “Look, I just wanted to say sorry about what happened. We were all being stupid, and it sucks that it turned out like this.”

I pressed my lips together to keep them from falling open again, and kept my head down as I tried to process what he meant by that.

“I really think that you should come back. It’s not as big of a deal as you make it out to be. We all miss you.”

I looked up when he said that, my eyes narrowing in disbelief. Where was all this coming from? All traces of his former sheepishness and uncomfortable expression were gone, and he seemed to be trying to look right through me, to figure me out or something.

"Why are you talking to me?” I couldn’t believe that I had just said that, but for some reason I didn’t want to take it back. It was like I was glad that I had just blurted something out without fully thinking about it. Almost like I was oblivious to the fact that what I had just said made me sound like a complete idiot.

“Because I think that what happened was blown completely out of proportion. Sure, it was stupid and awful, but it wasn’t worth losing a friend over. And I’m sure that the others would think the same if you just gave us a chance instead of ignoring us all the time.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do?”

“You’re supposed to talk to us! You’re supposed to talk to your friends!” his voice cracked a little when he said the word “friends”. “You didn’t even give us a chance after, you just left. I don’t get why, you know? Why didn’t you trust that we were your friends and what happened wasn’t going to change that?”

I looked down, not sure what to say in response to that. But it turned out that I didn’t have to say anything since he just barrelled on after that, not even waiting for me to jump in.

“I don’t know what to say to make you understand,” he continued, sighing and rolling his head back a bit before looking back into my eyes. “You really need to realise that not everyone is superficial and stupid, which they would have to be to dump you for something like that. We’re not like that, and I don’t know how to get you to understand that.”

I pressed my lips together again, staring at him like I was challenging him to go on.

He sighed softly before going on, making ready to stand up. “Anyways, that was what I wanted to say, so if you ever do end up figuring it all out, come talk to us. Okay?”

I stared mutely at him as he stood there for a moment longer, as if waiting for a response, and then turned and walked back to the cafeteria without looking back.

Hey there!

I stepped out into the harsh fluorescent lighting of the cafeteria and away from the aggressive students who were still pushing to get a hold of their lunches. My breath caught in my chest as I fought to stay normal, and not run screaming out of there like I was so often tempted to do lately. It would be much easier just to blend into the background.

For an introductory line, I'm not much impressed of this especially of the first line. There's a tension, yes, but you don't give your readers a chance to know what her problem is. It leaves the reader to pause and ponder upon the situation, which cuts the connection of your main character and your readers.

Grammar wise, there are some rough instances wherein I have to read some lines twice so I can fully understand what you're trying to portray. And I notice that you use much of adjectives, try avoiding those as possible as you can, though I'm not saying you have to slash them all out. Like for example, substitute "harsh fluorescent lighting" into something like, "...the florescent light irritated me eyes...". But anyway, you know how to place punctuations very well and your verbs are all consistent. ^^

As for the story plot, I find it one-dimensional and a bit confusing. I suggest that you give us some slight flashback about her past situation so that we (readers) can connect well into her state of 'loneliness', or as to why she's acting like that. And I think you might to name the "guy" because you seem to use "him" a lot and would be better to give him a name since this story revolves around these two characters. ^^

Introduce your main character but it doesn't mean you have to tell us her physical features, likes and dislikes, no. Just provide some essential things about her. Her situation, her relationship with the guy, why's she's being all lonely, doesn't she have another friends? Because as far as I can see, she's not developed well, seems just like a flower painting, without leaves, background and a bee on it.

One last thing, you might want to "tone down" the staring part. It's a bit awkward to read, especially that it still continues within three sentences and more. I just think you're overdoing it. *shrugs*

When all's said and done, I think this has potential. And I like the concept though I hope this won't be a bit cliche', you know, she goes back to the group and falls in love with the guy.

Keep writing and hope this helps. PM me for any questions.

Peace out,
Yuri

I think this shows promise. But, i felt that it was very predictable. And... i dunno. That I've seen or heard or read this so many times before. I'm not saying you copied. Well, coming from a high school perspective, you see this type of thing all the time.

My suggestion, make it different from a typical high school predicament. Maybe the girl actually severely injured one of her friends that was going out with the "IT BOY."

If you were to look over the plot, and give some insight to why this girl is so upset. And make it feel fresh, it would be an enjoyable read.

All that said and done. I just like to say, It's not YOU, it's the story that is letting you down.

Okay, I'm confusing myself now. Haha.

I hope i made sense, my mind is rattled with all this rain in OZ at the moment.

`~ Tomm

Well, for starters, grammar and spelling wasn't too much of an issue, so congratulations.

Now, for the rest. The whole story, to me, felt too vague to have any impact. The lack of detail didn't make me connect with the narrator. I didn't care for his/her emotions or plight at all. And that's why I didn't like this. There was nothing to make me feel sympathy for him/her. There was no explanation behind it, so we didn't know if he/she was overreacting or if what had happened was actually serious, and it loses a lot of the effectiveness it could have had.