Young Writers Society

Lust

His hand in mine, we sit
the symphony of luscious red roses
shows beneath lazy rain
the rivulets of water
smeared with the music of blood
and I can still see the lust
that lives sweet on the skin of this boy

I like how this was short but it still seemed perfectly complete. Really beautiful.
'Lazy rain" and "Rivulets of water smeared with the music of blood" are both really cool wordings.
And the last two lines... Just... Amazing. Seriously.
My only nitpick:
shows beneath lazy rain
This line just sounded awkward to me. I think it's 'shows'; compared to your other words, it seems too bland and passive. Maybe replace it with a more active verb? I don't know.
But really, I loved this. It's my favorite of your poems that I've seen. And like I said, the last two lines... *is speechless*.
Loverly work.

short and beautiful.

His hand in mine we sit

it should be "His hand in mine, we sit."

this boy

"this boy"? it sounds...i don't know, but it came off as more degrading. i'm aware that "man" would be odd there, so i cannot supply of a replacement, but i really hate the term "this boy", though i don't know why.

Why thank you BlackDaisy! And to you too xanthan. The comma shall be fixed but I'd like to keep "this boy." It just fits for me. Thanks though!

that's pwetty. I love it.

Beautiful imagery and emotion is portrayed well. Great poem.