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The Magi {ch.5}



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Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:33 pm
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LadySpark says...



Spoiler! :
I explain a lot in this chapter. Sort of... You can kinda see the love they have for each other...



Five:
“Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints. (Ephesians 6:18)”
Pound, pound, pound. Ava awoke with a jolt, lying on the floor of the attic, Kevin’s arm wrapped tightly around her. Pound, pound, pound .The noise came again, along with a shout “open up!” Ava jumped to her feet, pulling Kevin with her, who mumbled indistinctly.
“Get up,” she said, pulling on her clothes. She was already wearing the undergarments and shift, so it didn't take long.
He groaned and rolled over, pulling himself out from under the blanket and sitting up, his hair tousled.
“Come on!” she said pulling on his arm and the pounding came again.
He sighed and pulled on his tunic,that went over the shirt and pants. “I’m coming,” he exhaled heavily and stood up, pulling on his scuffed shoes.
“OPEN UP!” the pounder screamed, “NOW!”
Ava walked calmly down the steps, Kevin close behind. The two looked up and down as they walked, exchanging glances. Where is everyone? They asked themselves, reaching the door.
“Who’s there?” Ava said through the door, leaning against it to hear the callers answer.
“Love that’s who! I’m locked out! NOW LET ME IN!”
Ava turned the door knob and let the door swing open. “Where is everybody?” she said as Love marched past, pail of milk in hand. “Off to town, ain’t they? Made me stay here.” Love replied regally, stomping into the kitchen and slamming pots. “Rembrandt will be coming today and they didn’t want to miss him.” She continued, sloshing the milk into a hot pan of the stove. “Rembrandt is the lamia venator, for this town. He hunts witches and burns em’ at the stake. “ she leaned forward conspiratorially, “he would love to get his hands on the Necromancer or as he calls em’ the Magus” she nodded knowingly. “Hates anything out of the ordinary, he does. Speaks half in Latin, half English. Mam hates that, she does. But she can’t say nothing, since his family.” She stirred the milk and spooned it into mugs, then dropped in pieces of meat.

“What’s that?” Kevin said; his nose slightly furled.
“Quail in milk. Ain’t ya’ ever heard of that?”
He shook his head, and then ducked away. “We should get on the road,” he said, nodding at Ava, who also looked sick from the fumes wafting from the cup in her hands.
“Well take this then.” Love pressed a small bundle into his arms.
He raised his eyebrows and she said, “Cheese, ham, bacon, milk and bread, is what’s in there.”
Ava took it and nodded “thank you for your kindness,”
“Pleasure. Perfect pleasure. I don’t care. It’s fine that you were here and fine that you are going.”
Ava nodded, grabbed Kevin’s hand and pulled him behind her, out the door.
Once out of sight of the cottage, Ava turned to Kevin; her lips sat in a thin line. “Kevin, what are we going to do? What’s happened? Why are we here?” the questions, kept at bay for a night spilled at her mouth in a fast gasp.
Kevin’s brow was furrowed in concentration, his eyes flitting back and forth between Ava, the trees and the sky. “I have no idea Ashes. It’s just so complicated. But I did have an idea about how we got here.”
Ava looked up at him expectantly, tucking the food bundle in her large pocket.
“Those numbers, they were each four digits, well what if they represent years?”
Ava looked at him, her eyebrow raised high. “I don’t know Kevs…” she said slowly, “It could be, I guess.”
The skeptical look on Ava’s face was not lost on Kevin. “You don’t believe me do you?”
“It’s not that I don’t believe you… It’s just very hard to believe.”
“I know, but it’s the perfect answer. The clothes, the way they talk, everything. The number on the door was 1534, isn’t that the right time? Doesn’t everything add up?”
Ava let go of him hand and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “Kevin, it does but…”
He sighed and grabbed her by her shoulders, looking into her eyes “I think that Rembrandt took The Magi. I think His imprisoned somewhere. I think we need to save him.”
“Kevin, how do we know he chose this door? How do we know he was in the house when he disappeared? Your facts can’t be true. They don’t add up.”
He groaned. “I just have a gut feeling. I know his here and I know he needs our help!” he sped up, his shoulders hunched forward in defeat.
She sped up, putting her hand on his shoulder, spinning him around. “I believe you.” As she looked deep into his eyes, she felt her heart flutter slightly. Then it beat faster and faster, speeding to an impossible pace. What’s wrong with me? She thought, unable to pull herself away from his profound grey eyes. Just look away Ava. She urged herself, lifting her hand from his shoulder, breaking the spell. “We better get going.” She said hastily shaking her head from side to side.
“Yeah,” he said a little breathlessly, following her down the road.
******************
Kevin stoked the fire, the smell of meat billowing up into the air.
“Mmm…” said Ava sniffing deeply.
“Smells good, doesn’t it?” he laughed scooping the ham from the edge of the fire.
“Yeah,” Ava took the piece of bread he offered her and bit into it. “Tastes good to.”
He smiled, and took a drink from the skin full of milk. “What are we going to do about sleeping?” he said, leaning forward to take a bit of cheese.
“Sleep here, I guess.” She replied, “Its midsummer so it’ll be warm, especially with the fire.”
“What about the Necromancer?”
“Well, we’re both fully qualified to battle some two-bit medieval necromancer.” She sniggered, trying to lighten the mood.
“true.” he said flipping over. “I’m tired.”
“Me to”
“Bet you would have loved my car today,” he said as he watched her, slip her shoes off her feet and rub the blisters.
“Yeah, maybe.” She said flopping down beside him. “Night Kevs.”
He stroked her hair, until her eyes fluttered shut, and her breathing became regular.
“Night Ashes.” he whispered, his head laying down and letting himself fall asleep as well.
Last edited by LadySpark on Fri Sep 30, 2011 7:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:25 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Pointe,

Well, this was much slower, so kudos to you. I'm not sure what you meant by saying that 'much is learned' here. You mean, the numbers on the door? I'd already figured that much.

What bothers me is what Ashes thinks Rembrandt's the bad guy. It could be any door at all he chose to be in. Just be careful that it doesn't sound like YOU are telling us this instead of her.

And keep in mind to not make everything too easy for your characters. BEcause it would be oh so convenient if they happened in the right world at the right time, you know?

Hope this helped,
Tanya :D
  





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Tue Jan 11, 2011 9:53 pm
Master_Yoda says...



Hi there Pointe,

I apologize for taking my time, but I guess I've been busy. Still, better late than never, right? Here's your requested review. Oh, and thanks for the generous number of exclamation marks after my name!!!! I'm extremely grateful!

Let's talk about character tensions, Pointe. Making us actually care what happens to your characters.

I guess, the best place to start would be the beginning. We can talk about effectively hooking your reader into a story. A hook is not, contrary to popular belief, a first sentence that catches the reader's attention. Yes, that is part of the hook, but if only it were so easy. See, once you've written the first sentence that intrigues your reader so, you have to actually keep this intrigue. More than that, actually, you need to build on the intrigue, and draw more and more strings to attach your reader to your story.

The strongest thread that you can possibly throw at your reader is a character he wants to sympathize with. Let's talk about how to create character intrigue.

The first thing I'd do is select a character and focus on her. In this case it would be Ava. We're going to work on defining her role and allowing the audience to build a connection to her. Her's will be the eyes that show us the story.

Character tension elements can be subdivided into two sectors. Anticipation and Stake.

First introduce the stake. What is the purpose of the adventure and quest of your character? What does she stand to lose. What does she stand to gain. The rules for setting the stake are simple: Does the gain equal the risk. More importantly, though, Does the risk equal the gain. Her life for that of a friend. Her honor at the possible expense of her life. One friend possibly traded by choosing to befriend another. Her parents' respect and love at stake for her freedom. Her life at stake to keep the entire world safe from a pack of demons. Whatever the case, the stake must be real and strong. Define the stake as soon as you can in the story. It is ultimately going to determine the reason a reader will read forward in your story.

Once you have defined the stake it's up to you what you will do with it. Will she need to make the sacrifice to achieve it? What difficult obstacles will she need to overcome to attain her goal? How it all works is your job as a story teller.

You have failed to define the stake and your story currently appears without drive and like a selection of independent events whose chronology have not been planned to form a full story. The hook requires defining a goal that will prove to be the question that drives the entire story. If you need to return to the past to draw on previous experience, you can always do this in flashback or conversation.

The second element is anticipation. If we think it will be easy for your character to win, we obviously won't be too interested. We must feel that something bad might happen to your character at any time. At the same time, your character's victory must be a possibility or we will lose hope.

Weakness of a hero – the factor that raises the anticipation of the reader to astronomical proportions. We must expect your hero to lose. The weaker you show your protagonist to begin with, the more room for character growth exists. The weaker your hero, the greater her triumph when she does win.

Strength of obstacles – If your reader is up against something that is strong, we will be unable to predict the outcome. This raises our anticipation levels.

Being mean to your characters – The more you let your character lose out, the more we will worry about bad things happening. We must believe you as a writer to be mean enough to hurt your characters and even mean enough to deny them their dreams and goals. We'd seen JK Rowling kill off Harry's parents, godfather, and mentor all by Voldemort's influence. That made the odds of Harry's failure seem real.

Strong moral values – If you can show us that your character's dreams are noble, we will want them to come true. If we think they are a selfless person, even if they are stupid, thick, weak, ugly creature (Donkey from Shrek, Frodo from Lord of the Rings), we will want them to win. That's the effect that you're going for.

Also, remember to try to introduce a cast that will determine your story early on. This gives us more time to get to know each of them.

I think that's basically enough for now. I think those are the main points you need to work on. Your story is fast paced, and the idea interesting. If it were me, I'd kill the relationships between Kevin and Ava. Create a tension there. We only really care about the romance of it. Like if Ava hated Kevin, but after he saved her she changed her mind or the other way around. I don't really think it contributes to the story. As Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the Soul of Wit.”

Because of your awesome potential, I decided to give you a nice long review. I know you can make this work. Those are the areas to work on immediately, though. Hope I helped.

Good Luck!
Yoda ;)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:24 am
parigirle says...



Hi there!

Since we're at chapter five now and getting closer to the real action, I'll try to give a good review. :3

Alright. I think that while your story so far is very interesting, I don't really see where it's going. What is it, exactly, that Ava and Kevin are after? They want to find the Magi, yes - but why? There needs to be more of a driving force behind the action. Every character has motivation, and you need to let your readers know, somehow, what that motivation is.

Also, there should be a threat hanging over their heads. What's the threat to Kevin and Ava right now? A 'two-bit necromancer' that they could defeat? Either make it clear that the necromancer is actually a real threat to your characters, or introduce something else that endangers them and makes their journey more perilous - and by extension, more exciting.

What I'm trying to say is that right now, your characters kind of have it easy. Their romance is flourishing without any trouble or conflict, and they have been swept into another world and it's smooth going there too. Now that you're around the fifth chapter, now would be a good time for you to complicate things more. Readers love it when characters suffer, and as an author, you have the opportunity to make that possible.

Another thing, one I know you have heard before, so I won't be too serious about it - but don't be afraid to take things slow. Draw out your character's suffering, build tension, and build on emotional moments.

Also, your characters are still a little two-dimensional. You're building on their relationship but it's getting repetitive. It's just Ava getting nervous and Kevin taking good care of her; stroking her hair and whatnot. That's kind of it. Either throw in a complication or something, but change it around so we don't lose interest in their romance! And we still don't have much of a grasp of their individual personalities. Are there any nervous habits, any character flaws you can display? Every character has these, and you'll develop your reader's interest by showing them.

I'll again stress the importance of watching your dialogue punctuation.

Here's one example I want to show you. From your writing -
Ava took it and nodded “thank you for your kindness,”

This is how it should be:
Ava took it and nodded. "Thank you for your kindness."

If there is no dialogue tag after, use normal punctuation (period/exclamation mark/question mark.) And if there is an action before, end the sentence with the action using a period and make the dialogue a new sentence. I'm not sure I'm explaining it well, but hopefully the correction above showed what I'm trying to tell you.

Overall, I think it's going good. What I really like is that I can see the improvement throughout your pieces; you're slowing it down, your grammar is improving, and you're trying to build on their relationships. This can only be a good thing! As usual, your plot is interesting and I'm definitely dying to read more. Your story has an insane amount of potential; it's an unique and good idea, just be sure to do it justice by trying as hard as you can with your writing.

As always, be sure to tell me when chapter 6 is out. :)

~Pari!(:
  





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Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:28 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Five:
“Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints. (Ephesians 6:18)”
Pound, pound, pound. Ava awoke with a jolt, lying on the floor of the attic, Kevin’s arm wrapped tightly around her. Pound, pound, pound .The noise came again, along with a shout “open up!” Ava jumped to her feet, pulling Kevin with her, who mumbled indistinctly.
“Get up,” she said, pulling on her vest and skirt.
He groaned and rolled over, pulling himself out from under the blanket and sitting up, his hair tousled.
“Come on!” she said pulling on his arm and the pounding came again.
He sighed and pulled on his shirt, tying the cotton belt around his waist. “I’m coming,” he exhaled heavily and stood up, pulling on his scuffed shoes. The way you tell us how they are pulling back on their clothes makes it seem like they both slept naked. Or are they pulling their clothes on over their pajamas?
“OPEN UP!” the pounder screamed, “NOW!”
Ava walked calmly down the steps, Kevin close behind. The two looked up and down as they walked, exchanging glances. Where is everyone? They asked themselves, reaching the door.
“Who’s there?” Ava said through the door, leaning against it to hear the callers answer.
“Love that’s who! I’m locked out! NOW LET ME IN!”
Ava turned the door knob and let the door swing open. “Where is everybody?” she said as Love marched past, pail of milk in hand. “Off to town, ain’t they? Made me stay here.” Love replied regally, stomping into the kitchen and slamming pots. “Rembrandt will be coming today and they didn’t want to miss him.” She continued, sloshing the milk into a hot pan of the stove. “Rembrandt is the lamia venator, for this town. He hunts witches and burns em’ at the stake. “ she leaned forward conspiratorially, “he would love to get his hands on the Necromancer or as he calls em’ the Magus” she nodded knowingly. “Hates anything out of the ordinary, he does. Speaks half in Latin, half English. Mam hates that, she does. But she can’t say nothing, since his family.” She stirred the milk and spooned it into mugs, then dropped in pieces of meat.

“What’s that?” Kevin said; his nose slightly furled.
“Quail in milk. Ain’t ya’ ever heard of that?”
He shook his head, and then ducked away. “We should get on the road,” he said, nodding at Ava, who also looked sick from the fumes wafting from the cup in her hands.
“Well take this then.” Love pressed a small bundle into his arms.
He raised his eyebrows and she said, “Cheese, ham, bacon, milk and bread, is what’s in there.”
Ava took it and nodded “thank you for your kindness,”
“Pleasure. Perfect pleasure. I don’t care. It’s fine that you were here and fine that you are going.”
Ava nodded, grabbed Kevin’s hand and pulled him behind her, out the door.
Once out of sight of the cottage, Ava turned to Kevin; her lips sat in a thin line. “Kevin, what are we going to do? What’s happened? Why are we here?” the questions, kept at bay for a night spilled at her mouth in a fast gasp.
Kevin’s brow was furrowed in concentration, his eyes flitting back and forth between Ava, the trees and the sky. “I have no idea Ashes. It’s just so complicated. But I did have an idea about how we got here.”
Ava looked up at him expectantly, tucking the food bundle in her large pocket.
“Those numbers, they were each four digits, well what if they represent years?”
Ava looked at him, her eyebrow raised high. “I don’t know Kevs…” she said slowly, “It could be, I guess.”
The skeptical look on Ava’s face was not lost on Kevin. “You don’t believe me do you?”
“It’s not that I don’t believe you… It’s just very hard to believe.”
“I know, but it’s the perfect answer. The clothes, the way they talk, everything. The number on the door was 1534, isn’t that the right time? Doesn’t everything add up?”
Ava let go of him hand and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “Kevin, it does but…”
He sighed and grabbed her by her shoulders, looking into her eyes “I think that Rembrandt took The Magi. I think His imprisoned somewhere. I think we need to save him.”
“Kevin, how do we know he chose this door? How do we know he was in the house when he disappeared? Your facts can’t be true. They don’t add up.”
He groaned. “I just have a gut feeling. I know his here and I know he needs our help!” he sped up, his shoulders hunched forward in defeat.
She sped up, putting her hand on his shoulder, spinning him around. “I believe you.” As she looked deep into his eyes, she felt her heart flutter slightly. Then it beat faster and faster, speeding to an impossible pace. What’s wrong with me? She thought, unable to pull herself away from his profound grey eyes. Just look away Ava. She urged herself, lifting her hand from his shoulder, breaking the spell. “We better get going.” She said hastily shaking her head from side to side.
“Yeah,” he said a little breathlessly, following her down the road.
******************
Kevin stoked the fire, the smell of meat billowing up into the air.
“Mmm…” said Ava sniffing deeply.
“Smells good, doesn’t it?” he laughed scooping the ham from the edge of the fire.
“Yeah,” Ava took the piece of bread he offered her and bit into it. “Tastes good to.”
He smiled, and took a drink from the skin full of milk. “What are we going to do about sleeping?” he said, leaning forward to take a bit of cheese.
“Sleep here, I guess.” She replied, “Its midsummer so it’ll be warm, especially with the fire.”
“What about the Necromancer?”
“Well, we’re both fully qualified to battle some two-bit medieval necromancer.” She sniggered, trying to lighten the mood.
“true.” he said flipping over. “I’m tired.”
“Me to”
“Bet you would have loved my car today,” he said as he watched her, slip her shoes off her feet and rub the blisters.
“Yeah, maybe.” She said flopping down beside him. “Night Kevs.”
He stroked her hair, until her eyes fluttered shut, and her breathing became regular.
“Night Ashes.” he whispered, his head laying down and letting himself fall asleep as well.


A short chapter, but you’ve introduced the direction this story is going. Kevin gets a gut feeling that the evil lord of this world is keeping the Magi captive and convinces Ava that they should seek him out and save him. So now, for the first time in this story, I feel like you have a direction, and it’s not just a random sequence of events.

However, everything just seems too… perfect. There’s been no sense of danger, and both Ava and Kev are like ‘oh yeah, we got this mission in the bag!’ So now I’m thinking, “Great, now why should I read more?”

Even the Ava/Kev relationship seems to be going WAY too easy. It can be a hard, sometimes painful transition from best friends to couple. Everything changes. In your story, they started out being very caring for each other, and she doesn’t seem to think it’s awkward to have this boy stroking her hair at night. I guess it didn’t feel like they were just friends from the start, so I think you’ve started this in a way that gives their relationship nowhere to go.

Romance can be a great way to add suspense to your story. If you set things up just right, people will be on the edge of their seat, waiting for that first kiss. Or you can simply play out the events and run the clock without actually making them fight for their love. One way is much more interesting and exciting, the other is just… sweet. You read The Hunger Games, you know what I’m talking about with creating tension and suspense in romance. Think about all the obstacles and doubts they had to overcome. It makes the story that much richer, don’t you think?

So I want to see you make your characters suffer, just a bit. I think your story will be all the better for it.

Good luck.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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Sat Jan 22, 2011 3:03 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey Pointy. Shrubs here. I won't leave a big note here, just few things. I don't want to spam this thing or anything, and besides I'll give a more thorough review for the next one.

The first thing you should do is that in the beginning when you use the words 'pound, pound', italicize them. Because that's the thing to do. Just a minor nit-pick, but for sounds in a story it's always better to italicize them.

I'd agree with Tanya here that you were slower here, and thus it was better and had my interests. You were actually slowing down, and showing us every aspect of their emotions and their actions. I liked it, but I still think that you should work more on it. Even though you've showed an improvement, I guess there's a lot you still need to work on.

My other small comment would be that your typos or rather there are many confusions in your head. For the starters, your he's changes to 'his'. Then your too changes to 'to'. Maybe the last mistake I told is confusion from your side, so I'd suggest you to clarify it and Google it up. I am mainly saying this because this is one of the common mistake I've identified in the writers here, so the sooner you fix this little hinge, the better.

I'd still say to you that you need to work out your descriptions. Like for example, I didn't have any idea which kind of a place they were living in. This become all the more important since you're going into another time period and there's a lot of possibility that people or the readers won't know too much about it. So it's better to be thorough with it. Also, to get published your facts should be accurate. So here's what I suggest. Google or search up this time-period. What people used to live like, of course based in the country you're setting this up in. Work hard on it, and since you said you were going to take a break from writing this up, then I'd be glad for you to look up for these things in the meantime. Sorry, if I have said this point too much of times, but I really want you to improve on this and descriptions is one thing I go too overboard with, so maybe I can help you out with that.

Secondly, the other point where you had full scope of including some more descriptions would definitely have to be where they eat meat. I know, or maybe my brain has assumed that it has to be a jungle where this all is happening, but still I'd like you to tell yourself about it. How the night looked? Were they afraid of any wild animal, if the place is near jungle? We seriously need to be told all this, or we might lose interest.

Last thing for today(sorry I had told to be short this time, but still rambling), would be that you should surely make up your mind on whether to show this land a fantasy land, like Narnia or maybe a real world, a country maybe. If it's a fantasy land, then you have to maybe make up your costumes, own traditions and what not. But if it's a real world, then you ought to research it up a bit. I'll tell you why. Maybe reading every detail of a location, like some places might sound bore to some, but for me best literature comes from different traditions, cultures and countries. I love to read novels which have countries I am not too aware of-the culture wise, and then that's the reason why I love Paulo Coelho's books. So it becomes interesting if the author takes up pain to show us the actual element of a place, moreover if we're not aware of it. And secondly, it shows the writer's interests for his/her work. Even if it's your fantasy land, how you create it can be useful, too.

So good luck,
Shrubbery
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Tue Feb 22, 2011 8:00 pm
ultraviolet says...



Hey Pointe!

Okay, so like I've said, your chapters are getting better. The pacing was a lot better in this one, which, although the other aspects I've pointed out haven't changed much, makes it seem so much more real, and like the writer knew more what they were doing. So kudos for that.

Still, I have a couple things about believability.

One, I really, really hate how Kevin automatically thinks Rembrandt's the evil dude. All he knows of him is that he stakes witches. If I were Kevin, I probably would think the necromancer nothing more than a local scammer, and wouldn't give him a second thought. After all, there isn't really much to make him suspicious. Well, maybe a little bit. And I could understand if they met him, but they haven't. He knows nothing about him. It's just a little too unbelievable that he pins down a guy, which will probably end up being right.

My second thing is, if this is the door the Magi's in, well... too easy. The first door they choose - by random! - and it's the right one? What are the odds, seriously? They don't even know the Magi's in any of the doors, nonetheless the one they happen upon. I'd suggest changing their fear to one of escaping rather than one of finding the Magi.

Also, like I said above, finding that door was too easy. If, when you finish this (or just anyways, because I think it'd make a great addition) I suggest you make them go in the wrong door first, pull them into a subplot adventure, and on the way they learn stuff about the doors and realms and such. Because right now things are way too convenient. The more the characters struggle, the more we care. And right now, I have no doubt in the world that they are going to make it out of this fine and dandy. Because every obstacle has been minor, and they get over it easily, or work their way around it, or even ignore it. Which reminds me, is there still nothing - pain, whatever - left from her injury? It wasn't that long ago.

Okay, so I know I rambled, but I hope you get my points. Every chapter is getting better, yes, but there are still things to improve upon. Keep my points in mind while writing, and be sure to apply everything you learn to every new chapter - not just one thing, or to one chapter, but all of it, even if it's not the main focus.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

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What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music.
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