Young Writers Society

Our hands fell into the ocean like coral shovels,
lumpy and misshapen in the midst of glassy tides,
and we took the salt away with closed palms,
desperately trying to save ourselves in our super-saturated hands,
which wrinkled now like pale raisins.

But the stars, though beckoned by our songs, did not come,
instead continued their dance and did their best
to please the moon by not tripping over their feet;
did their best to ignore our wading into the black waters to reach them-
we fell upon them, but our faces were wet and our hair dripped,
and I tasted bitter salt somewhere in the back of my throat--
but our hands remained empty.
Leaving us to stand underneath the lights
without ever being able to touch them,
though our wrinkled hands stretched towards them
and trembled with cold and tired limbs.

Thoughts? I'm planning on going back and taking out some of the mass of imagery, don't worry. I don't even know if it's possible to follow me right now. I'm working on it, I promise.
Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

Hi!

Coral, that was breathtakingly beautiful!
I really have nothing to critique here and my review will be just gushing and praising.
First let me say this, I love the ending! I like the fact that narrator is not satisfied and still has that feeling of longing. It makes sense and it's realistic. Actually, I wouldn't like it at all if the narrator has been satisfied with the stars the way were. I love that the feeling of longing and not being able to reach is still alive. That way the poetry of this image still continues even after the poem is finished. That's certainly how I feel when I gaze at the night sky. This poem ends by leaving a subtle feeling of longing in the air which I just loved! The flow is really good, your images excellent. The poem transcends the words and takes hold of a mood and image of its own. Did I mention I love it? xD It may have especially struck a cord with me because I am deeply involved in a love affair with the night sky , and this poem echoed so many of the feelings I have felt in such an eloquent and stunningly perfect manner.

So we stood underneath the lights, without
ever being able to actually touch them,
no matter how long our wrinkled hands stretched towards them
and trembled with cold and tired muscles.

Gaah! So lovely! Personally, I feel this ending is the strength of this poem. Please don't change it.

I think I am officially a fan. Keep writing, Coral!

WOW...
This is the best word to describe this poem...
Great work mate....
Good use of words and great vocabulary....
I loved how you personified the celestial bodies....
Really marvelous and flawless...
Keep up the great work...

Hey there, - as requested -

So I really liked this poem because of the visualisations, the structure and the fluency. Usually I'd punctually rip poetry a part, but you're poem was rather refreshing in having a good pace and rhythm. There are a few things I can suggest though:

rhythmically inhaling, exhaling like unfolding petals.

Fluency feels a little bit choppy here, I think it's because of the opposites ofinhaling and exhaling that - when together - kind of throw the reader a little bit. I think it's easily fixed with a drop of punctuation (and perhaps even a little spur of rhythmic originality too!)

Suggestion: rhythmically inhaling. Exhaling. Like unfolding petals.

It allows the reader to pause on the word - perhaps even exhale themselves - and then continue the poetry onward. It also helps avoid being thrown off by two different meanings.

lumpy and misshapen among the midst of glassy tides

Previously you had the word: in. It sounded okay but the "ung" sound you get from the word "among" made this sound visually more beautiful and precious (since you use the word glassy) so I thought the suggestion would be rather fitting.

bidden

Did a web search and cropped up the following:
Definitions of bidden on the Web:

•Bidden is a village in Hampshire, England.

Any reason why you picked the word "bidden"? "Bid", yes, as it can also mean to make a wish, but "bidden" is merely a name of a village. Perhaps a word like "tempted" could be used instead? It's fine to use made-up words, but you'll need a purpose - one that is perhaps a little more explicit to interpret.

and trembled with cold and tired muscles.

My interpretation was that the ending was going to be fragile and delicate as you've created that image in the build-up to it, but you end your poem with the heavy, definitive word: muscles. I think you could improve this poem even more so by replacing the concrete noun with an abstract emotion. Perhaps "trembled with warm and tempting lust" or "trembled with cold and ancient curiousity." See what I mean?

Hope that helped,
Ben

this is one of the most beautiful poems i have ever read! you should never ever ever stop writing!

no matter how long our wrinkled hands stretched towards them
and trembled with cold and tired muscles.

this line is, well, pure poetry. it is gorgeous, and compares the imperfections of the human's hand to the stars perfectly. i like this ending much better then just a feeling of satisfaction. it seems deeper, and it adds another layer to the emotion in your poetry.

But I like imagery! And I like all your poems. And I love this one. This actually might be one of my new favorites.

Okay. First stanza: gorgeous. Coral shovels, glassy tides, closed palms, etc. Lovely-love-adore. What you could change: "which" is a very prose-y word. Those are sometimes necessary in poetry, or else you wouldn't have a clear transition, but every so often it disrupts the flow. I think your poem would flow better, look better, and generally sound better if you say "lathering our already saturated hands, wrinkled like sun-dried raisins", or "lathering our saturated hands, wrinkling like sun-dried raisins", or something to that effect. (Obviously these are half-baked ideas, and you'll be able to come up with something a lot better once you get some time to sit down and think about this poem!)

I do love this last stanza, though the second part more than the first. I think this maybe in part because even though the imagery of dancing stars is very strong in the first few lines, I feel like there's some anti-climatic stuff going on in the very first line. Maybe moving the "but" would fix that problem, as in: "But the stars, though beckoned by our songs, did not come, instead continuing their dancing..." This is, I guess, something else I'm leaving you to think about. I almost feel like you should increase the level of desperation in those first lines, because it becomes so apparent later on. I love the next few lines. It's very clear, clean-cut language (black waters, faces wet and hair dripping) but it packs such a powerful punch.

My only other issue with the rest of this lovely piece is your line break between 'without' and 'ever'. I know! I usually love your line breaks--you've got such an eye for exactly where to cut a sentence so it still makes sense, but adds an awkwardness that's wonderful to read. (If that makes sense. Which it probably doesn't.) But I don't like this one. I think you could put without and ever together on the same line, or break it somewhere else. But I also love your simple language with "So we stood underneath the lights", though I think it falls a little flat with the next line, "without ever being able to actually hold or touch them."

I don't like the phrase 'actually' in there, because I feel like this is such a deep line, and really, isn't this the central conflict to the poem? That these narrators can never touch the stars? And I don't think you need to say "hold or touch them"--they're different actions, yes, but the same concept, and I think you only need to say one of them.

But wrinkled hands! Cold and tired limbs! That's amazing. This whole poem has actually reminded me of this quote from Julius Caesar: "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in the stars, but in ourselves, that we are the underlings." And I love that quote, and I love this poem, and I hope you keep posting your work on here because I go into spasms of happiness every time I see you've added something new.

So. Thank you for sharing. :)

I feel like I'm going to be the evil person going, I really didn't like this because, I didn't. I wasn't as impressed with this poem, as I normally am when it comes to reading your poetry. You're right about the mass imagery, especially in the first stanza. It was really distracting, and it felt like you'd overdone it somehow because it was hard to follow the poem. I preferred -loved - the second stanza.

It wasn't as superfluous with the imagery, and it got the point across.

Hope this helped,

Anger

lot of words im not familiar with.. dictionary must be one of your fave books..i have to read it twice or thrice to understand.. slow me.. sometimes i still don't.. anyway, keep up your deep and solemn thoughts and show them all with your works. God bless..

Okay, so I did an edit. I still want to take a lot out, but I just have a really hard time deciding what... gosh I'm an imagery addict. >.<