Young Writers Society

"And where were you today?" Bert entered the room demanding everyones attention. He had his blue ensemble on with his bizzare ginger hair cut and lugging an oversized lollipop over his shoulder.
"I overslept." I answered honestly, yet he did not look impressed.
"We had a visit from the Wicked Witch of the West," He lit a cigarette "she came to see her sister dead." He put the cigarette to his lips and inhaled heavily. My face felt in awe.
"Well it's about time," I offered to the room. The was a muffled grunt. Bert's eyes narrowed.
"Jeff! Bring the charter!" He screamed. A stout blond man in a red one piece suit ran across the room and held out a battered piece of paper. He handed it to Bert who took it with authortivness. He opened it up and began scanning through the paper, balancing the cigarette between his lips.
"Boys, would you say today counted as an important event?" An obvious Rhetoric.
"So, accoriding to this Serin, you have to be kicked out of the Lollipop guild." he looked up, he eyes smilin at me. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and put it out in a colourful Lollipop shaped ash tray. The room had fallen silence, the only noise coming in from The Flying Monkey, a tavern across the road. I looked around the room, everyone was in agreement to this. I stood up, a lump wedged in my throat. I met Bert's gaze once again, but looked away just as quickly and stormed out.

The guilds were in slums of Munchkin Land, known as the Wicked Witch sector. I was about ten minutes walk to yellow brick. I always felt a bit sorry for good old Witchy, she had to deal with gits like Bert, but she wasn't always bad. She only terrorized once a month, but when she did, she went to town. She was voted Miss Munchkin style of the year award, hence her slippers. The slippers ; the thought dawned on me. They would be worth a fortune. I then knew where I was heading. I set off down Broomstick lane, and before long I had met the corner which turned on Wicked Witch Way.Eliz, the local prostitute was on the corner.
"Oh Serin, what's wrong with you?" She asked as I apporached her.
"Nothing much Eliz. You say, you know thw Witch, how did she die?"
"Oh, a house fell on her."
"A house?"
"Oh yeah, a house."
"Unlucky Bitch,"
"Oh, you're not kidding,"
"Anyway later Eliz." I started down the street towards the death sight after the slippers.

I got to the sight quicker than expected. A party had defiently happened afterwards. Munchkins in a multiple of colours were passed out across the town center. A large house was splintered just off the center, and a pair of white and black socks curled of against the side of the house. There was no slippers. Then I realised that they would have been the first thing to go, with the theives guild and everything. I sighed and turned away when a glint caught my eye. I knelt down to get a closer look; it was a wand. It wasn't any wand, it was the Witch's. I glanced around to make sure no one was watching; I was safe. I reached into the crevice under the house and grabbed the wand. A mighty blast catapulted out of the end as I touched it. The house had exploded and fragments were scattered across the center of town. Several people had run due to the noise. A tingling sensation ran up and down my arms and throught my entire body. Thousands upon thousands of words swam throughout my brain. I recognised not one of them.
"Delicatum!" I yelled the first one I could locate. The brick road exploded before my eyes, causing people to run and scream in fear. I felt a prodding in my back I turned ready to try another spell, but when I turned there was no one there;it was a broom. It placed itself at the back of my legs. I sat down and soared into the sky. I was gripping on for dear life as the broom circulated above the center.
"Verisarum!" I yelled down into the panic below. A flame tempest circulated the outer city causing agonising screams. I cackled in delight as so many felt pain. A singular figure stood out in the crown; Bert. I imagined him being strung up by an invisible noose and slowly dying. As the thought came into my head, a singular word came to the fore front of my mind. I aimed the wand and screamed, "Forectenmartum!" The Munchkin reached for his throat imediatley as he feet crawled away from the ground. I just wanted them all dead, to be the only one left. Another word came to the front of my mind.
"Xeoloex" I yelled. A deafening bang appared below followed by smoke. I waited in the sky until all the smoke cleared. Munchkin corpses littered the ground. I was then content and flew away from Munchkin land and headed for the Emerald city.

"I-I knew I shoudn't gone to the ba-ba-bathroom. You say she just di-dissapeared." I saw three people sat just off the road about five minutes from the city. I got as close as possible without being seen. A lion had spoken last, he had a cowdly stutter.
"That she did, clicked her heels and went." It was a tin man.
"Hey at least we got what we wanted. I got a brain!" It was a scarecrow which spoke as if he was an over-exagerated child.
"Look with the west packed up, Oz is going to be a good place to be," It was the Tinman again. I was the only evil left in Oz, I smiled wickedly.I took into the sky above the three bafoons below.
"Let's see how far that brain get's you Scarecrow! Cloudonis exspendis!" I yelled. The straw caught alite and he started to roll about frantically trying to put the flames out.
"I thought the-they we-were both dead?" The Lion said whilst holding his tail in his paws.
"They are! That isn't a witch! It's a Munchkin!"
"Correct Tinman. The Wicked Wizard though, if you would! Pleut corrindus!" Heavy rain splatter against him and then dried up in an instant. His joint stuck instantly rendering him usless. The scarecrow stopped moving and layed there in a combustion of flames.
"No-Now don't do anything you-you'll regret."
"What's a matter! where's your courage Lion! Contestic!" The Lion died instantly. The three of them laid dead, but the only thought I had was on the emerald city.

I hovered above the entrance to the Emerald city. The problem with the city was it was impossible to attack unless you could get inside. I pointed my wand towards the last bricks of the road.
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road! Delicatum Exstend!" The road completely fell apart, it was destroyed, one of Oz's two prides gone.
"What on earth are you doing Munchkin?" I recognised the voice immediatly; it was Glinda.
"Asero!" A deep crimson gash sprawled across her neck, within seconds she was tumbling from the sky to her death.
I swooped down and grabbed her wand, it was double power. The doors had opened to send guards out to invesitgate.
"Viron" I said pointing both wands towards the doors and the guards. The both slammed backward shattering. I flew into the city before anything could be done, I was determined to take down the city.

"Where is your Wizard." I demanded from the city dwellers. No one said anything. I asked once more, still they remained faithful. I had no time to waste.
"Livotis mexus." Water surged from benath there feet soaring into the sky like some magnificent fountain. The city then began to fill and leaving them all the drown.
"Come out Wizard, and show yourself. They're all dead!" I yelled into the hallowed husk of the Emerald city.
"Do-don't hurt me sir." A withered old man stumbled out of the upped door. I pointed both wands at him and hovered him next to me above the nothingness.
"This is my Oz now Wizard, you're done." I whispered. I let him fall to his death and smash against the ground. I was the ruler of Oz. I flew out of the baron husk that was the Emerald City into the open countryside. The tempremental weather of Oz became apparent as a thunder storm broke out. Rain coarsed down from the sky and collided with me. Without cause of reason the broom stopped working causing me to plumet to the ground. On impact the broom snapped like a fragiled twig as did the wands. I fell unconcious and passed out in a completely new place.

I awoke with a man with a white beard and a white cloak.
"Where, where am I?" I asked completely frazzled.
"That's not important my friend. My name is Gandalf, what's your's?"
"Serin." I said through dazed confusion, and passed out once again with a man named Gandalf to whom I was sure I owed my life.

Retro! Here to review as requested.

First of all, shouldn’t this be in Fan-fiction seeing as you’re talking about the Wizard of Oz by L.F.Baum. Anyhoo, On with the review!

I've not nitpicks in a Spoiler, so you can choose to look at it or not


I quite enjoyed this story, and thought you've made a very interseting take on this children's classic story. I felt that your characters were a bit under developed as after finishing reading this story I couldn't pick up that much detail about them. The flow was good sometimes, but a lot it was very cramped and didn't read that well. The beginnning and ending are both quite interesting. I'm going to go into more detail now

The first thing I'd like to talk about is your layout. Sometimes you'll have a giant chunk of dialogue and others you'll have a giant chunk of explaining. It looks a bit odd, and makes it hard to read. Also, try not to tell, but show. I had this problem, and in fact I still do, and when reviewers point it out to me I honestly don't know how to fix it. But, he is what you could do instead of telling: (1) Use dialogue, (2) Use the five senses, (3)Be descriptive, (4) Be specific, not vague. If you want more info on that click here.

As I've mentioned earlier, I can't really define your characters. Therefore, as a reader I can't really talk about them after reading this. That makes no sense, sorry. What I'm trying to say is, as a reader you get kind of excited about characters, and see if you can/want to relate to them. But, I can say that you've kept everyone's characteristics pretty consistent throughout and most of the character interaction works . So yeah, I couldn't quite define the characters, that might just be me though. When you're introducing someone new, make sure it's clear who they are and waht they're going to want to do. I hope I'm making sense.

Personally, I got a bit confused at the plot, it was good but at some points I wasn't sure what was going on. That's probably just me though, because I'm a VERY slow reader and I always have to read things twice. Anyway, I think you're characters suited the plot line. It was clear in making sure one thing lead to another and it wasn't here there and everywhere. Make sure that you introduce a scene clearly before heading to the action. Speaking of the action, it was very clear, however I don't think it escalated, which is something which makes everything more exciting.

You've kept the same POV throughout the story, so well done. I do think that you could've revealed the characters thoughts more-this would've helped with characterization! Most of you're sentences vary in length, remember, shorter sentences are used for action and longer ones are used for more introspective movements. Try to make sure you let the story tell itself, and you don't intrude on it as an author. Remember cause and effect. That will help you structure all your action parts.

Alright, I'm done. Sorry if I sounded harsh in any way, I hope I helped! PM me if you ever want another review!
~Tamara x

'Eyyyyyyy, it's me Sorry it's a bit long, I'm feeling rather nitpicky.

I'm ashamed to say that I'm not familiar with the story of the Wizard of Oz (never read the book or saw the movie), but I'll do my best. Like that ^ person said, this really should be in fanfiction short stories.

"I overslept.<-- that should be a comma" I answered honestly, yet he did not look impressed.

"We had a visit from the Wicked Witch of the West,<-- that should be a period" He lit a cigarette(period) "(capital "S")she came to see her sister dead."

My face felt in awe. I think I get what you're trying to say, but this is kind of awkward. Try describing more of what his face muscles are doing, like brow lifting, jaw dropping, whatever.

"Jeff! Bring the charter!" (lowercase "h")He screamed.

An obvious Rhetoric. I guess it would be correct with a lowercase "r", but I think the sentence "Obviously a rhetorical question," works better.

(capital "H")he looked up, he(his?) eyes smilin(g) at me.

The room had fallen silence(silent)...

I looked around the room,<-- either change this to a semicolon or a period, then start a new sentence everyone was in agreement to this.

I always felt a bit sorry for good old Witchy, she had to deal with gits like Bert, but she wasn't always bad. This is a classic run-on sentence, so break it up with either semicolons or periods.

"Unlucky Bitch," I do believe that "bitch" is not capitalized, and there shouldn't be a comma there, unless you add a speaker tag (which I think you should)

I got to the sight quicker than expected. A party had defiently happened afterwards. Munchkins in a multiple of colours were passed out across the town center. A large house was splintered just off the center, and a pair of white and black socks curled of against the side of the house. There was no slippers. Then I realised that they would have been the first thing to go, with the theives guild and everything. I sighed and turned away when a glint caught my eye. I knelt down to get a closer look; it was a wand. It wasn't any wand, it was the Witch's. I glanced around to make sure no one was watching; I was safe. I reached into the crevice under the house and grabbed the wand. A mighty blast catapulted out of the end as I touched it. The house had exploded and fragments were scattered across the center of town. Several people had run due to the noise. A tingling sensation ran up and down my arms and throught my entire body. Thousands upon thousands of words swam throughout my brain. I recognised not one of them.
"Delicatum!" I yelled the first one I could locate. The brick road exploded before my eyes, causing people to run and scream in fear. I felt a prodding in my back I turned ready to try another spell, but when I turned there was no one there;it was a broom. It placed itself at the back of my legs. I sat down and soared into the sky. I was gripping on for dear life as the broom circulated above the center.
"Verisarum!" I yelled down into the panic below. A flame tempest circulated the outer city causing agonising screams. I cackled in delight as so many felt pain. A singular figure stood out in the crown; Bert. I imagined him being strung up by an invisible noose and slowly dying. As the thought came into my head, a singular word came to the fore front of my mind. I aimed the wand and screamed, "Forectenmartum!" The Munchkin reached for his throat imediatley as he feet crawled away from the ground. I just wanted them all dead, to be the only one left. Another word came to the front of my mind.
"Xeoloex" I yelled. A deafening bang appared below followed by smoke. I waited in the sky until all the smoke cleared. Munchkin corpses littered the ground. I was then content and flew away from Munchkin land and headed for the Emerald city. I do have a few nitpicks in this bit, but I just wanted to say that it didn't make any sense to me. Either it would make a lot more sense to someone who actually knew the story, or it's not written clearly enough. Since when was this guy out to get people? Why are there words swimming through his head when he touched the wand, but he didn't know any of them? Why is he still able to cast spells using these words? Honestly, though, I don't know if I'm just asking simple questions that other people already know the answer to.

It was a scarecrow which ("who") spoke as if he was an over-exagerated child. "Over exaggerate" is two words, and a child can't be over exaggerated. A child can be overly enthused (or overly enthusiastic), just plain ecstatic, etc.

It was a tin man.

It was the Tinman again.

If you say it was "a tin man" then refer to him as "the Tinman," it's inconsistent, so pick one or the other.

The straw caught alite I think it would make more sense to say he "caught fire" and he started to roll about frantically trying to put the flames out.

Water surged from benath (beneath) there (their) feet soaring into the sky like some magnificent fountain. This was a good attempt at imagery, but I can't quite picture it. It might just be the punctuation though. Experiment with it.

I didn't point out all the nitpicks because a lot of it was just punctuation error. There were two or three instances where you changed tenses, so make sure you check that out.

Throughout the entire story - the last scene especially - you need to add more description of things like physical appearances and scenery. How do things look, feel, smell, etc.? I want to feel the annoyance the Wizard has with the Lion, Tinman, and Scarecrow. I want to feel the wind whipping on the Wizard's face when he's traveling to another universe (Which I do know is Middle Earth. Aha, I'm not totally out of the loop.) I want to know exactly what was going through his mind when his broom stopped working.

Stuff like that

So yeah. It has potential, and I'd love to read it again

Keep writing. That is all. PM me if you have any questions!

I’m not sure exactly what you meant, but I don’t think you mean to say “my face felt in awe.” I thought that maybe you were looking for “fell”, but that doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of the words. I’m also not sure “Offered” is the word you want in “I offered to the room”, but I at least get what you’re talking about. “Offered” isn’t so bad in the context.

“You say, you know thw Witch, how did she die?" and easy fix with the “the”.

I’m not going to go too much into grammar again because I see that someone else already did. I’ll just talk content... I don’t like it. I liked the beginning, it was kind of funny... I thought it would be like a takeoff on the original Oz idea... and it kind of was. I don’t really mind it I suppose it just... there were so many spells. I suppose if I understood what they all meant I’d get it better. Actually I kind of had trouble finishing, and I don’t get the ending.

I just get this over all feeling that I’m missing something, especially with the ending. Besides the fact that I’ve seen the movies around 500 times, I’ve read the book (even though that was back in elementary school. This is clearly borrowing from the movie though.) I had Lord of the Rings read to me when I was a kid, and I’ve seen the movies a lot, but I don’t remember that much from the books themselves... I feel like I’m missing a lot.

I feel like this is supposed to be funny, but it all seems very rushed. I’m not sure it’s too long... it’s a little long for here where stories are divided up so much... but...

I’m just going to say that I don’t get it. It’s totally possible that I’m just one of those people who will never get this, but I really didn’t like it. It started out pretty good, but once Serin got the wand I very quickly stopped caring. Now it’s very late, so I might like it better when it’s not 1:30 in the morning, but this just didn’t do it for me.