Young Writers Society

Here's a villanelle I wrote. I hate villanelles, but we had to do one for school.
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Stumble blindly into arms of His
Fear, the heart of love
Cry; God- this is all there is?

Mentioned briefly, tempers fizz
Fire for the olive tree’s dove
Stumble blindly into arms of His

Black figures tremble, faith, they quiz
Bruises not to be spoken of
Cry; God- this is all there is?

Thoughts will break up through their sieve
Behind the altar, push comes to shove
Stumble blindly into arms of His

Kiss the floor- “Stop, please, Miss.”
Giggle behind a white kid glove
Cry; God- this is all there is?

Questions, you’re told, are blasphemous
Trust only what you know’s above
Stumble blindly into arms of His
Cry; God- this is all there is?


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NOTE: This poem is NOT a bash on Christianity, as one might assume when reading it initially. I have great respect for other people's religions, even if I do not always agree with them. This poem is intended to be a message about how often, children are forced into Christianity and forced to go to Catholic schools. When they try to question things, they are yelled at, and often the nuns can be overly harsh. Some other children, raised to be completely closed-minded, might go so far as to bully those who question their ways. I realize this poem is a harsh generalization. I know that 90% of people in the Christian faith are not like this. I wrote this from my own personal experiences and my friends' personal experiences. I COMPLETELY respect other's religions. No disrespect is intended in this poem.

Tiger here to review per request.

Now I won't quote the whole thing, seeing as there're only two nitpicks I have here:

Dreamy115 wrote:Mentioned briefly, tempers fizz
Fire for the olive tree’s dove
Stumble blindly into arms of His

Whereas in the other stanzas the second line connects to the first, I can't see the relation here. Is there one?

Dreamy115 wrote:Thoughts will break up through their sieve
Behind the altar, push comes to shove
Stumble blindly into arms of His

1st Underlining: Through their sounds a little strange. In a? In their? By a?
2nd Underlining: Is push comes to shove really the right expression? The situation has worsened, but what are they forced to do exactly?

And in the last two stanzas, you broke the flow you'd been setting. Instead of:

{stanza}
Cry; God- this is all there is?

{stanza}

{stanza}
Cry; God- this is all there is?

You left out the pattern of repetition and just wrote:

{stanza}
Cry; God- this is all there is?

{stanza}
Cry; God- this is all there is?

Which is pretty strange. Did you do that intentionally, or was it a mistake?

So all in all, I don't have much to nitpick. I liked the pattern you had (until you deviated with those last two stanzas) and the poem is totally believable; it's the kind of thing that does happen. Or at least, the thing I believe used to happen in Catholic-run boarding schools/ children homes. Maybe it still happens, but I wouldn't know anyone it's happened to (I'm not Catholic, just Christian ). I don't think you were trying to bash or disrespect Catholicism or Christianity, rather you'e just presenting a heartfelt poem with strong themes of sadness and desperation. So great job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

P.S. In the fifth stanza, was the narrator being raped or something? Because that's the impression I was getting...

This poem was a little eerie to me. I mean, I like this poem and I like the message it brings across, mostly because I don't go to church and I have no real religion so to speak, but I do think that worshiping at your own home is certainly better than a church, because at a church you're being influenced not by your own beliefs but the beliefs of others, more specifically the ones who are teaching and preaching. Who says they're always right? Who says they aren't biased just as everyone else? Anyways, I still liked this, but I too was wondering about that last line: it doesn't really seem all intentional. Was it just a mistake or something?

Thank you both. Actually, I hate villanelles, which is what this poem is. It's a type of french poem that follows a pattern with two refrains repeated in an ABAABAABAABAABAABAA pattern. So yes, the last line was intentional- unfortunately. I wish I could write it without things like that, but it was a requirement to follow the format.

@Tigersprite- In the fifth stanza, the narrator disrespected or annoyed a nun, and was told to kiss the floor. They really don't want to, so they're asking the nun ('Miss') to leave them alone. A classmate wearing gloves giggles at them because they are being punished. I also plan to edit the line about the olive tree and the line about the sieve- I dislike them as well.

@Walkin Thanks, see my above explanation. I was trying to go for a slightly eerie air in this, I'm glad you picked it up. And I totally agree with you!

Hey! Here to review as requested! I was actually going to do this last night then my mum told me to get off the computer or my eyes would pop out. Anyhow, lets get down to the review.

First off, my overall impression. If I'm being honest, I'm quite confused with this poem. But, knowing what a poem means is sometimes like understanding a piece of art, which too can be confusing. I actually wrote a poem of this subject once, not as good as yours though . The techniques you've used a really quite good, you've used a range and most of them fit perfectly.

The layout is a bit confusing to me. Because you usually have three line stanza, but then the last one is four lines long. Then you usually end with: "Cry; God-this is all there is?" but then in the middle stanza you used: "Stumble blindly into the arms of His", then you used that in your last stanza making it four lines long. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you've done this for a good reason, but for me, it's not really working.

Rhythm. I can't really get a good rhythm in this poem. I've read it (to myself and aloud) severel times and I can't really find it. I think what makes it flow well is your rhymes, a way to make sure it flows well is to make sure you've got the same syllable in every first line of a stanza, every second line of a stanza and so on and so forth.


Oh yeah, I have a question about your rhymes. For your second line in your stanza's you have 'ove' as your rhyme. Dove, Love, Glove ect. However, 'of' doesn't seem to fit in with it. Maybe it's my accent, but they seem more like words which sound the same, and don't actually rhyme. Then I went to a rhyming diactionary online to find that they actually do rhyme. Then I compared them a lot, but they still don't rhyme. I'm not sure, but they sound different :s.
Another rhyming question.

Questions, you’re told, are blasphemous

Is blasphemous supposed to be part of your rhyming pattern? Because I really don't think it rhymes with fizz and seive ect. But it might not be part of the rhyming thing, so yeah, tell me!

Lastly, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed tha language that you've used. Have you used a thesaurus to help you? Most of the words sound really great. Make sure you match your words to a feel of a poem, but other than that, great stuff!

I have to say, you're a really great poet. PM me if you want another review!
~Tamara x
P.S. Sorry for any typos in this review, I don't have spell check.

Thanks! Actually, the style of a villanelle is to have three line stanzas with two repeating refrains, ending in a four line stanza with both refrains repeated. Actually, I have a weird accent- all those words rhyme to me . But I understand how it could be confusing. I actually don't use theasauruses- I pride myself on having a decent vocabulary. Thank you very much, I will go back and edit.

Here as requested! Sadly, I don't know anything about villanelles. I'll try my best.

FLOW!

I think the flow of this poem is overall pretty good except for the following:

Questions, you’re told, are blasphemous Ah! Although I love big words, I'm afraid this is a bit to big and messes with the flow. Try a bit smaller one.
Trust only what you know’s above
Stumble blindly into arms of His
Cry; God- this is all there is? This sentance bothers be, although it is seen often through the poem. My mind turns it into " is this all there is?

-OVERALL-

I think this is a very interesting and tragic poem. Other than this I think Everyone else has your nitpicks.

Thank you!

There were some parts of the poem where the wording was a bit off, but overall, the poem was great

Thanks.