Untitled - Chapter 2

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(I'd suggest reading the first chapter first.)

Once again, I'm sorry for any formatting errors!

_______________________________________________________

Chapter two:

She kicked as hard as she could in the opposite direction, dragging Guinevere with her. Her lungs felt like balloons about to burst.
Their heads broke the surface at the same time. Ayra sputtered and gasped, treading water as she sucked in air greedily. Nothing had ever tasted so good.
“The creature – it’s still down there,” she told Guinevere as soon as she could speak.
“I know.” The other girl appeared perfectly calm. She remembered with a shudder how Guinevere had thrown the monster off of her without even breaking a sweat; her lightning reflexes, pulling Ayra out of the way a millisecond before its claws turned her into hamburger meat, and knew that her brain would have a massive meltdown trying to process this as soon as it got the chance. But that didn’t matter right now. All that mattered was the creature, probably rising to the surface this very moment. It could be right underneath them, and she wouldn’t know until it was too late –
“Ayra,” Guinevere said, still infuriatingly calm. “Listen to me. It can’t survive in the water. “
“Oh … oh. So that means we’re safe?”
Guinevere smiled grimly. “Far from it. But we do have to get to shore, and get out of here. Meaning, NOW.”
About a thousand questions surfaced in Ayra’s mind.
But she also wanted to survive, and get out of the cold. So she kept her mouth shut as they swam ashore; in fact, she didn’t say a single word as they made their way, shaking and blue-lipped, through the forest. Even though every shadow looked like a crouching monster, and every rustling leaf made her all but jump out of her skin, and she had to keep digging her nails into her arms to keep from thinking about what had just happened because she’d go insane if she did.
But finally she just had to ask, “Guinevere. Where the fuck are we going?”
Guinevere stopped and sagged against a tree, the first sign of fatigue she had shown all evening. “Guess I owe you an explanation, huh?”
“Or several. But that can wait, for now … I just need to know that I’m not going crazy.”
Guinevere’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Crazy? Why would you be going crazy?”
Ayra gaped at her. Because cats like that don’t exist, or shouldn’t. Because you threw it off of me as if it weighed nothing. Because I just jumped in a lake with someone I barely know in the middle of the night when I’m supposed to be asleep and dreaming of my next day having fun with my friends. Not shivering in the forest with someone who inexplicably doesn’t seem to find any of this strange.
“You mean you’ve never seen monsters like that before?”
“No! This is all extremely … not normal. If ‘normal’ were planet earth, I’m on fucking Jupiter, okay? I dunno about you, but my average night does NOT involve almost becoming a midnight snack for some prehistoric alley cat!”
Guinevere, who had looked slightly amused before, now looked as though someone had told her she had cancer. “Oh, no,” she said quietly. “No, no, no … “
“Yeah, I agree.” Ayra realized that she was hyperventilating, her chest heaving in panic. A montage of the night’s events scrolled through her head.
The monster’s oil-shiny gaze, full of nothing but animal hunger.
Guinevere’s wild, trapped eyes as they tried not to breathe in a forest of reeds.
The punch of cold, her lungs almost bursting underwater.
Ms. Gibs’ screams cutting off with brutal suddenness.
“No,” Guinevere was saying. “You don’t understand, I-“
“Of course I don’t understand!”
Guinevere smoothed the wet hair off her face. “I don’t have the time to explain now. I will, I promise. But we have to keep moving.”
Ayra nodded. That was all they could do, just keep running and hiding. She knew that eventually she wouldn’t be able to anymore, that she would collapse and have to figure all of this out. But for now it was all they could do.
In front of her, Guinevere had already started walking, moving with an unconscious grace through the cool blue shadows. The air felt still here, permeated with leaf mould; the trees seemed to bow under the weight of the sky, forming a cathedral of silence. Asymetrical cutouts of moonlight fell through, just enough for Ayra to see.
Guinevere looked like she could manage with no light at all. Ayra caught a glimpse of her eyes: a thin band of grey around pupils swollen like dark moons. She could see her own reflection in them, pale and frightened looking. Not at all like Guinevere’s beatific calm. Looking at her, at the high smooth brow, the sculpted cheekbones, the easy grace with which she moved, Ayra wondered if inside Guinevere was just as confused as she was.
But no. She had seen her murmuring to the animal, luring it forwards. She had known what she was doing. Guinevere, she decided, was one of those people who always knew what they were doing, even when they were doing something terrible.
One of those people. If Guinevere was even a person. There was plenty of evidence to suggest that she wasn’t … that she might be … Ayra forced herself to think the word. Inhuman. Guinevere is not human. She mulled this over, biting her bottom lip and willing her brain not to implode, as they made their way through the forest.
After what Ayra guessed was ten minutes, the trees started thinning. Lights glowed up ahead – and noise. People panicking. It took her a moment to realize that they were nearing the cabins, and that the screams she was hearing were coming from her classmates. She imagined more monsters pouring into the camp in a wave of brindled fur and began to shake, leaning against a tree for support.
Guinevere stopped and stared ahead. Her wide grey eyes were unreadable, but her mouth was drawn and grim, as if she were trying to make peace with herself before doing something unforgivable. Maybe she was.
“Ayra,” she said slowly, still looking emptily into the light.
“Yeah?” Ayra pushed away from the tree. There was something about the other girl that made her want to prove herself, prove that she too could get things done. She wouldn't let her fear or the immense strangeness of everything that had happened govern her, she refused to let it.
“What we are going to do is sneak around the cabins,” Guinevere said calmly. Her eyes were glowing with the reflection of lights. “Then we’re going to find the portal. Simple. You with me?”
Ayra nodded, despite the fact that she had no idea what this ‘portal’ was.
Guinevere sighed. “Then I explain everything. Oh, and before we go: tell me if you start to feel sick. I mean it.”
They slipped towards the cabins like thieves. Ayra felt strange, like at any moment someone would yell “CUT!” and she would discover that the bush she was hiding behind was just a stage prop. By the time they reached the first cabin she had convinced herself so entirely that Guinevere’s whisper of “run now!” almost made her jump out of her skin.
This is real, she reminded herself as they dashed across an open stretch of grass. And it was. It was the realest night of her life; it was so real it hurt.
They passed by her cabin. Ayra faltered. Jade was in there … she had to say goodbye. She didn’t know exactly why, but she felt like wherever she and Guinevere were going, it wouldn’t be an overnight stay.
“What are you doing?” Guinevere hissed. She was in the shadows just off the trail, crouching down; in the dim light her eyes glowed like an animal’s.
Ayra shivered. “I have to see my best friend before we … leave.” She didn’t wait for Guinevere’s answer.
Jade was sitting on her bed, frantically packing her bag. She looked up at Ayra’s entrance, her blue eyes wide and scared.
“Ayra! Did you hear about Ms. Gibs – where were you?” Then she frowned and squinted, leaning closer.
“Is everyone leaving?” Ayra asked, trying to ignore the strange way her friend was looking at her.
Jade cried out and gripped the edge of her bed. “What happened to you? You look – you look like a …”
Ayra opened her mouth to say ‘what are you talking about?’ and suddenly found that it was full of blood. She spat red and Jade screamed. There was a sickening jolt deep in her stomach – as if something were being torn loose. Her vision misted as she doubled over in pain, clutching her sides.
“What happened to you?” Jade repeated. She sounded hysterical, and she had pushed herself up against the cabin wall in her haste to get away from Ayra.
“I can’t explain … I have to … the monster, is it here? Or it drowned … Ms. Gibs is dead, Jade, why are you looking at me that way?” she mumbled through a thick mouthful of blood, not even realizing that she was making no sense whatsoever.
Jade’s face was pale, so pale in the light from the window, Ayra thought distractedly. The room seemed to shimmer around the edges, as though they were underwater. A sound rippled through her mind: Guinevere crashing through the door. She grabbed Ayra’s arm and snarled, “we have to go.”
Ayra could barely see through her hair and there was a noise filling her head, a noise like the fizzing sound of pouring ginger ale into a glass. “Ginger ale,” she said.
Jade screamed suddenly. Guinevere swore and steered Ayra towards the door just as the dripping form of the monster smashed through the cabin window. Jade’s screams were earsplitting as it advanced, still wet from the lake, its whole body shaking with fury.
Adrenaline helped clear Ayra’s mind. She wriggled out of Guinevere’s grip and picked up a shard of glass from the floor, ignoring the way it cut into her palm when she held it. It looked eerily like one of the monster’s teeth – good, Ayra thought. Now we’re kind even. Almost.
“Over here!” she yelled, brandishing her glass tooth. The words rasped and gurgled horribly in her throat.
“We don’t have time for this!” Guinevere said in exasperation. “Take her,” she said to Ayra, jerking her chin to where Jade huddled against the wall, “and wait for me outside. I won’t be long.”
Ayra stumbled across the room and hauled her friend up by the sleeve. Jade was sobbing quietly, her face ice-pale and streaked with tears.
Outside, the night was strangely calm, the sound of crickets punctuated at intervals by the monster’s snarls and the tinkling crash of glass breaking. Ayra turned to face her friend. “Jade-“
“Don’t look at me!” Her mouth trembled, but her next words came out strong and steadily: ”You’re a monster.”
Ayra felt like she had been slapped. They had just seen a massive cat-like beast with stilt-like legs and a mouth full of jagged teeth and now she was the monster? “What?”
Jade’s face twisted in horror or disgust. “Just – get away!”
It felt like she was slowly being immersed in ice water: going numb, cold, unfeeling. She spun and gave Jade a push that sent her sprawling, then leaped up the stairs to the cabin.
The sight of the monster’s face barely affected her. She was still underwater. Guinevere said something that she couldn’t hear and they left, past Jade, who was struggling into a sitting position, past the dining hall, and finally, into the cool dark woods.
Through the numbness Ayra became aware of a pain in her hand. She discovered that she was still clutching the shard of glass from the window and turned it over and over in her fingers, trying to see her reflection.
The glass was smudged; she appeared as a featureless white blur surrounded by a mantle of dark hair. Her mouth was a grim red slash.
A shaking started in her spine and climbed upwards, rattling her teeth together. She remembered Jade’s face twisting in horror as she proclaimed her a monster. And now, in the middle of the woods with a mouth full of blood, it seemed she was right.
Real, this is real, the trees whispered sadly.
Last edited by Wolf on Wed Dec 29, 2010 1:18 am, edited 2 times in total.
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Ayra gaped at her. Because cats like that don’t exist, or shouldn’t. Because you threw it off of me as if it weighed nothing. Because I saw my homeroom teacher stop screaming, because I just jumped in a lake with someone I barely know in the middle of the night when I’m supposed to be asleep and dreaming of my next day having fun with my friends. Not shivering in the forest with someone who inexplicably doesn’t seem to find any of this strange. [b]I read the first chapter and know what you're talking about, but that sentence just didn't quite make sense to me...b]


Other than that, everything was fast-paced, which can be difficult, but it worked really well here. There were times where I was kind of lost and stuff, but it was pretty solid. I'll keep my eyes open for the next chapters.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Hi Camille! I'm sorry that this is a little later than I'd hoped, but hopefully you will find it in you to forgive me. ^.~

It seemed as though nothing had ever tasted so good.
This is quite nit-picky, and mostly up to you, but in the context I think this would be more powerful if you took that bit out.

The other girl appeared perfectly calm, not gasping like a fish out of water as Ayra had been.
Hmm... considering the situation, I'm not sure that analogy is appropriate. >_>

She wanted to say, what do you mean, get out of here? I was enjoying my favourite part of the school year before YOU showed up and ruined everything! And I was stupid enough to spy on your weirdo cat ceremony, and look what happened. You, missy, have some major explaining to do.
I'm not sure this part is necessary, because it sort of slows down the momentum of the action and it feels unrealistic for someone in Ayra's situation to be thinking think you could take this out and just leave it at "About a thousand questions surfaced in Ayra’s mind." and that would be enough--you don't have to tell us what the questions are, because doing so implies (to me, anyway) that Ayra is taking time to think them.

Guinevere stopped and sagged against a tree, the first sign of fatigue she had shown all evening.
Interesting word choice. ^.^ I have to say, it escaped me the first time I read it so I just noticed it now, and I'm not sure if I like it or dislike it--but it seems a little odd, don't you think? Maybe it's just because it's an unconventional usage of the word.

Because I saw my homeroom teacher stop screaming, because I just jumped in a lake with someone I barely know in the middle of the night when I’m supposed to be asleep and dreaming of my next day having fun with my friends.
I agree with StoryWeaver--this bit took me a moment to figure out. Basically, it makes sense to me, the reader, but would it make sense to Guinevere? Would Ayra say that to Guinevere? She's thinking things that she wants to say, so I'm not sure that's appropriate. I suggest you reword it.

Guinevere smoothed her wet hair off her face in one smooth, liquid motion.
Nit-picky, I know, but I found this repetition a little bothersome.

Nightmare visions filled her head: more monsters, pouring into the camp in a wave of brindled fur. Bodies left in cabins. She began to shake, leaning against a tree for support.
I was a little uncertain about whether or not these "visions" are things she is thinking, or literally things she is seeing. I think this is that same thing about spacial description, (which is much better, overall, so I won't harp on you about it this time ^.^) because I don't know where they are in relation to the camp and don't know if they can see the cabins and such. If it is what she is actually seeing, I'd like some more description, because this just seems a little vague.

There was something about the other girl that made her want to prove herself, prove that she, too, could be tough.
Good sentiment here, but I don't like that word choice. It just sounds a bit too... canned. Sort of cliché. I feel like it's one of those words that (in this usage, anyway) has lost its meaning from overuse. So I think you could just replace it with a synonym, like "resilient," or even (and I know this isn't really a synonym) something like "composed." Play with it.

Ayra nodded, despite the fact that she had no idea what or where this ‘portal’ was.
The first time I read it, I thought you'd said "...no idea what this 'portal' was." I think I may like that way better... but it's up to you, of course.

Now we’re kind of even.
This would be more powerful without that bit, methinks. Though you could also try doing something like "Now we're even. Almost." I just feel like "kind of" sounds wrong int he context--too conversational, or something.

Ayra stumbled across the room and hauled Jade up by her sleeve. The other girl was sobbing quietly, her face ice-pale and streaked with tears.
This sounds awkward, and it's pretty obvious you're just trying not to repeat names too much. ^.^ Maybe try something more like, "Ayra stumbled across the room and hauled her friend up by the sleeve. Jade was sobbing quietly, her face ice-pale and streaked with tears." Or, you could try saying something like "Poor thing was sobbing quietly..." Well, maybe not "poor thing" but I think you know what I mean.
-------------------------------

Firstly, let me just say that I liked this chapter much more than the last one. The pace (which wasn't awful in the last one) was excellent--maybe a bit slow, but I'll get to that later. ^.~ The action was very believable, and the emotion was quite real. I'm starting to connect with Ayra's character, which is good. The sense-of-time issue was a lot better, too, as well as the sense-of-space. I'm also really intrigued to know what has happened/is happening to Ayra. I want to know what she is becoming--and how. You've left me with another cruel cliffhanger. ^.^

Okay, so here's my issue with the pace: the beginning is slow. There's a lot of Ayra going over the events in her mind, reliving them. It doesn't feel realistic, because that seems like the kind of thing you would do once you were out of harm's way, not while you are in the lake with a ferocious dieing beast hot on your tracks. ^.~ It feels like you were thinking "this is a new chapter, so people will need a recap of everything that happened in Chapter One," but I think you underestimate your readers. ^.^ I remember what happened one chapter ago, and if I didn't I would go back and read it until I did. I suggest you not recap until it's fitting with the plot to do so.

Probably my biggest issue with the novel so far is Guinevere. She's perfect, and not by accident. You work very deliberately to develop her as being perfectly beautiful, perfectly thin, perfectly tall, perfectly brave, perfectly tough, perfectly strong, and so on. I have a feeling we are going to find some flaw in her character later on, but in the meantime she annoys the heck out of me. >.< And the words part (for me) is that Ayra doesn't seem annoyed by her perfection. She might be a bit jealous, but she doesn't seem to be very unsettled. She doesn't think Guin is hiding anything--which, by the way, I have a feeling she is--and even though she suspects her of maybe being superhuman--which I also think she is-- she's not afraid of her. Or she doesn't seem to be, anyway. I like the fact that Ayra is inspired by Guinevere, but I think she should be a little annoyed too, and frightened. You don't have to make Guinevere any less perfect if you don't want to (though it might be a good idea...) but please at least consider changing the relationship between Ayra and Guinevere to have a little more tension.

The other part I thought a bit strange was Jade's reaction to Ayra being a beast. At first, she doesn't seem to notice, but by the end of the scene she's scared silly. Is this supposed to suggest that Ayra's condition is worsening over the course of the scene? Also, she doesn't seem scared enough--or rather, she doesn't seem scared in the right way. She seems scared in a "I've had too much drama lately and you're just messing everything up" kind of way, not a "my friends are being killed around me left and right and for all I know you might kill me any second" kind of way. It seemed a little unrealistic for her to ask Ayra to turn her head away. It's as though Jade can't bear to see her friend look so ugly, not as though she's afraid that her friend isn't human.

Once again, I really hope this doesn't seem too harsh--I know you don't like harsh reviews. ^.~ But I also really want to give you my most thorough and honest opinions. I really hope this helps!

As always, please write on my wall or send me a PM if you have questions/comments/arguments/defenses/rants/etc. about the review. ^.^

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It was pretty fast paced, but in this chapter it worked well. I didn't find many things wrong with this, except Guinivere annoys me to no end. She reminds of a Mary-Sue, but I can feel that we are going to have that perfect persona shattered. I don't understand the monster part with Ayra. That part confused me. (If that was intentional then good job!) You left a good cliffhanger so I'll be waiting for me. ^_^
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She kicked as hard as she could in the opposite direction, dragging Guinevere with her. Her lungs felt like balloons about to burst.
Their heads broke the surface at the same time. Ayra sputtered and gasped, treading water as she sucked in air greedily. Nothing had ever tasted so good.
---nice description, might want to open a little more clearly because it's a new chapter though---

“The creature – it’s still down there,” she told Guinevere as soon as she could speak.
---how deep is this lake?---

“I know.” The other girl appeared perfectly calm. She remembered with a shudder how Guinevere had thrown the monster off of her without even breaking a sweat; her lightning reflexes, pulling Ayra out of the way a millisecond before its claws turned her into hamburger meat, and knew that her brain would have a massive meltdown trying to process this as soon as it got the chance. But that didn’t matter right now. All that mattered was the creature, probably rising to the surface this very moment. It could be right underneath them, and she wouldn’t know until it was too late –
---don't need the dash at the end---

“Ayra,” Guinevere said, still infuriatingly calm. “Listen to me. It can’t survive in the water. “
“Oh … oh. So that means we’re safe?”
Guinevere smiled grimly. “Far from it. But we do have to get to shore, and get out of here. Meaning, NOW.”
About a thousand questions surfaced in Ayra’s mind.
---about weakens your last sentence---

But she also wanted to survive, and get out of the cold. So she kept her mouth shut as they swam ashore; in fact, she didn’t say a single word as they made their way, shaking and blue-lipped, through the forest. Even though every shadow looked like a crouching monster, and every rustling leaf made her all but jump out of her skin, and she had to keep digging her nails into her arms to keep from thinking about what had just happened because she’d go insane if she did.
---the last sentence seems to be a run-on, see about breaking it up somehow---

But finally she just had to ask, “Guinevere. Where the fuck are we going?”
Guinevere stopped and sagged against a tree, the first sign of fatigue she had shown all evening. “Guess I owe you an explanation, huh?”
“Or several. But that can wait, for now … I just need to know that I’m not going crazy.”
---she's asking a girl who just THREW a monster if she is crazy? isn't that like asking your imaginary friend if you are skitsofrenic?---

Guinevere’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Crazy? Why would you be going crazy?”
Ayra gaped at her. Because cats like that don’t exist, or shouldn’t. Because you threw it off of me as if it weighed nothing. Because I just jumped in a lake with someone I barely know in the middle of the night when I’m supposed to be asleep and dreaming of my next day having fun with my friends. Not shivering in the forest with someone who inexplicably doesn’t seem to find any of this strange.
“You mean you’ve never seen monsters like that before?”
---she must be from texas... everything is bigger there---

“No! This is all extremely … not normal. If ‘normal’ were planet earth, I’m on fucking Jupiter, okay? I dunno about you, but my average night does NOT involve almost becoming a midnight snack for some prehistoric alley cat!”
---once again, i like Ayra's sarcastic sense of humor---

Guinevere, who had looked slightly amused before, now looked as though someone had told her she had cancer. “Oh, no,” she said quietly. “No, no, no … “
“Yeah, I agree.” Ayra realized that she was hyperventilating, her chest heaving in panic. A montage of the night’s events scrolled through her head.
---she agrees with what? be more clear here---

The monster’s oil-shiny gaze, full of nothing but animal hunger.
Guinevere’s wild, trapped eyes as they tried not to breathe in a forest of reeds.
The punch of cold, her lungs almost bursting underwater.
Ms. Gibs’ screams cutting off with brutal suddenness.
“No,” Guinevere was saying. “You don’t understand, I-“
“Of course I don’t understand!”
---let her finish damnit, she's saying something important! sorry that's not really a review comment, my very essense was just screaming that---

Guinevere smoothed the wet hair off her face. “I don’t have the time to explain now. I will, I promise. But we have to keep moving.”
---awe, you were just about to explain---

Ayra nodded. That was all they could do, just keep running and hiding. She knew that eventually she wouldn’t be able to anymore, that she would collapse and have to figure all of this out. But for now it was all they could do.
In front of her, Guinevere had already started walking, moving with an unconscious grace through the cool blue shadows. The air felt still here, permeated with leaf mould; the trees seemed to bow under the weight of the sky, forming a cathedral of silence. Asymetrical cutouts of moonlight fell through, just enough for Ayra to see.
---very rich with description and vocabulary, good job---

Guinevere looked like she could manage with no light at all. Ayra caught a glimpse of her eyes: a thin band of grey around pupils swollen like dark moons. She could see her own reflection in them, pale and frightened looking. Not at all like Guinevere’s beatific calm. Looking at her, at the high smooth brow, the sculpted cheekbones, the easy grace with which she moved, Ayra wondered if inside Guinevere was just as confused as she was. But no. She had seen her murmuring to the animal, luring it forwards. She had known what she was doing. Guinevere, she decided, was one of those people who always knew what they were doing, even when they were doing something terrible.

One of those people. If Guinevere was even a person. There was plenty of evidence to suggest that she wasn’t … that she might be … Ayra forced herself to think the word. Inhuman. Guinevere is not human. She mulled this over, biting her bottom lip and willing her brain not to implode, as they made their way through the forest.
---once again, I vote demon... then again, possibly angel---

After what Ayra guessed was ten minutes, the trees started thinning. Lights glowed up ahead – and noise. People panicking. It took her a moment to realize that they were nearing the cabins, and that the screams she was hearing were coming from her classmates. She imagined more monsters pouring into the camp in a wave of brindled fur and began to shake, leaning against a tree for support.
---why did she ask where they were going if they were walking in the direction of camp?---

Guinevere stopped and stared ahead. Her wide grey eyes were unreadable, but her mouth was drawn and grim, as if she were trying to make peace with herself before doing something unforgivable. Maybe she was.
“Ayra,” she said slowly, still looking emptily into the light.
“Yeah?” Ayra pushed away from the tree. There was something about the other girl that made her want to prove herself, prove that she too could get things done. She wouldn't let her fear or the immense strangeness of everything that had happened govern her, she refused to let it.
---i don't think i'd be jealous of someone I thought was inhuman---

“What we are going to do is sneak around the cabins,” Guinevere said calmly. Her eyes were glowing with the reflection of lights. “Then we’re going to find the portal. Simple. You with me?”
Ayra nodded, despite the fact that she had no idea what this ‘portal’ was.
---posibly explain why she went along with this chick so easily. why didn't she just run for the nearest bus out of town, or call 911?---

Guinevere sighed. “Then I explain everything. Oh, and before we go: tell me if you start to feel sick. I mean it.”
They slipped towards the cabins like thieves. Ayra felt strange, like at any moment someone would yell “CUT!” and she would discover that the bush she was hiding behind was just a stage prop. By the time they reached the first cabin she had convinced herself so entirely that Guinevere’s whisper of “run now!” almost made her jump out of her skin.
---this is good, keep up the way you get inside your character's head, it really adds to character development---
This is real, she reminded herself as they dashed across an open stretch of grass. And it was. It was the realest night of her life; it was so real it hurt.

They passed by her cabin. Ayra faltered. Jade was in there … she had to say goodbye. She didn’t know exactly why, but she felt like wherever she and Guinevere were going, it wouldn’t be an overnight stay.
---the '...' might be better as 'and'---

“What are you doing?” Guinevere hissed. She was in the shadows just off the trail, crouching down; in the dim light her eyes glowed like an animal’s.
---good simile---

Ayra shivered. “I have to see my best friend before we … leave.” She didn’t wait for Guinevere’s answer.
---did she shiver from fear or cold?---

Jade was sitting on her bed, frantically packing her bag. She looked up at Ayra’s entrance, her blue eyes wide and scared.
“Ayra! Did you hear about Ms. Gibs – where were you?” Then she frowned and squinted, leaning closer.
“Is everyone leaving?” Ayra asked, trying to ignore the strange way her friend was looking at her.
Jade cried out and gripped the edge of her bed. “What happened to you? You look – you look like a …”
Ayra opened her mouth to say ‘what are you talking about?’ and suddenly found that it was full of blood. She spat red and Jade screamed. There was a sickening jolt deep in her stomach – as if something were being torn loose. Her vision misted as she doubled over in pain, clutching her sides.
“What happened to you?” Jade repeated. She sounded hysterical, and she had pushed herself up against the cabin wall in her haste to get away from Ayra.
---this part was chilling, good work---
“I can’t explain … I have to … the monster, is it here? Or it drowned … Ms. Gibs is dead, Jade, why are you looking at me that way?” she mumbled through a thick mouthful of blood, not even realizing that she was making no sense whatsoever. Jade’s face was pale, so pale in the light from the window, Ayra thought distractedly. The room seemed to shimmer around the edges, as though they were underwater.
---the part "jade's face... distractedly" was a little confusing, be more clear here---
A sound rippled through her mind: Guinevere crashing through the door. She grabbed Ayra’s arm and snarled, “we have to go.”
---"snarled." Again with the animal comparisons. Are you purposely foreshadowing here? If so it's pretty good---
Ayra could barely see through her hair and there was a noise filling her head, a noise like the fizzing sound of pouring ginger ale into a glass. “Ginger ale,” she said.

Jade screamed suddenly. Guinevere swore and steered Ayra towards the door just as the dripping form of the monster smashed through the cabin window. Jade’s screams were earsplitting as it advanced, still wet from the lake, its whole body shaking with fury.
---again, good description, keep it up---
Adrenaline helped clear Ayra’s mind. She wriggled out of Guinevere’s grip and picked up a shard of glass from the floor, ignoring the way it cut into her palm when she held it. It looked eerily like one of the monster’s teeth – good, Ayra thought. Now we’re kind even. Almost.
---I like the dry humor at the end here, but the 'kind of' weakens the joke. It would be better as "now we're even. Almost.---
“Over here!” she yelled, brandishing her glass tooth. The words rasped and gurgled horribly in her throat.
---wow she's bold, this is the second time she is drawing the monster's attention---
“We don’t have time for this!” Guinevere said in exasperation. “Take her,” she said to Ayra, jerking her chin to where Jade huddled against the wall, “and wait for me outside. I won’t be long.” Ayra stumbled across the room and hauled her friend up by the sleeve. Jade was sobbing quietly, her face ice-pale and streaked with tears.
---explain how she has time to do and say all of this. For instance, why isn't the monster attacking them?---
Outside, the night was strangely calm, the sound of crickets punctuated at intervals by the monster’s snarls and the tinkling crash of glass breaking. Ayra turned to face her friend. “Jade-“ “Don’t look at me!” Her mouth trembled, but her next words came out strong and steadily: ”You’re a monster.”
---plot twist. Nice.---
Ayra felt like she had been slapped. They had just seen a massive cat-like beast with stilt-like legs and a mouth full of jagged teeth and now she was the monster? “What?”

Jade’s face twisted in horror or disgust. “Just – get away!”

It felt like she was slowly being immersed in ice water: going numb, cold, unfeeling. She spun and gave Jade a push that sent her sprawling, then leaped up the stairs to the cabin.

The sight of the monster’s face barely affected her. She was still underwater. Guinevere said something that she couldn’t hear and they left, past Jade, who was struggling into a sitting position, past the dining hall, and finally, into the cool dark woods.
---the monster is outside now? Explain.---
Through the numbness Ayra became aware of a pain in her hand. She discovered that she was still clutching the shard of glass from the window and turned it over and over in her fingers, trying to see her reflection.
---convenient plot device, the shard of glass being used as a mirror. Good thinking, that's clever.
The glass was smudged; she appeared as a featureless white blur surrounded by a mantle of dark hair. Her mouth was a grim red slash. A shaking started in her spine and climbed upwards, rattling her teeth together. She remembered Jade’s face twisting in horror as she proclaimed her a monster. And now, in the middle of the woods with a mouth full of blood, it seemed she was right. Real, this is real, the trees whispered sadly.
---end the chapter with a stronger sentence. Only you can say what that should be, but make it more declarative. One that leaves the reader with a sense of all that has just happened.---

---well I must say, this is shaping up nicely into an interesting and chilling story, so for that I applaud you. as for plot, you have a pretty good one going here, so I'm sure it will be just as good in further chapters. Description is definitely your strength, and you certainly have a way with words. In both of those areas, you do exceptionally well, so keep it up. As for negative criticism, I have very little, but I have to add that it is fairly fast paced. That's not bad, but sooner or later it has to slow down a little so we can prepare for the next fast paced action scene. Just keep that in mind when you continue writing this. Finally, I'd like to say that you do well with character development, and have developed Ayra into someone we feel like we know as readers. However, the other characters receive very little. This is because your narrative focuses on the main character's thoughts and feelings. While this is a perfectly valid strategy, one that I use often, it requires extra effort to develop other characters. The way to do this is to add short descriptions of what a side character thinks of feels at the moment. For instance, if you were to say “Then we’re going to find the portal. Simple. You with me?” you could add "she said, seemingly agrivated at having to take along someone who couldn't fend for herself." That way we get the feeling of her being a lone wolf, and resenting weakness. However you want to develop her, add things like that to do it. all in all, I liked it, so PM me if you post any further chapters, and I'll be happy to review them.---
your friend,
---Psudiname
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.



It doesn’t smell old, it just smells like a bad idea.
— James Hoffman