A Rainbow In The Wind (Contest Entry)

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Fri Dec 24, 2010 3:42 pm

Tigersprite says...

NOTE: This is for Elinor Brynn's Disney Songs contest, the details of which can be found here. It is based on Colours of the Wind from Pocahontas.

And I haven't written any poetry in quite some time, so if there's anything you find a little off in reading this, please let me know in a comment. Even if it's a single line.

A Rainbow In The Wind

When you see my face
Do you find that you
Can see copper skin?
Or a rainbow in the wind?

When I take you home
To see my family, can you
Look past the broken English
And hear a rainbow in the wind?

When I catch you by surprise
And find an odd look in those eyes,
Is it because you’ve stopped believing
In a rainbow in the wind?

When I lay by you at night
Does our future give you fright?
Thinking how our child might look
Like a rainbow in the wind?

Is the difference just too great,
The life impossible to create?
Or do you see as I
See that rainbow in the wind?

For this world is far too small
To judge everyone and all
On the colours of their skin
When there’s a rainbow in the wind.

Last edited by Tigersprite on Sun Dec 26, 2010 10:28 am, edited 3 times in total.

"A superman ... is, on account of certain superior qualities inherent in him, exempted from the ordinary laws which govern men. He is not liable for anything he may do."
Nathan Leopold

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Reviews: 135

Fri Dec 24, 2010 5:36 pm

ballerina13 says...

Hello! This was really good. I am guessing that this is from Pocahontas' Colors of the Wind? First off, the emotion depicted in the poem is clear and meaningful. You captured the essence quite nicely. Great job there. The fludity of the poem was good too. It might just need a bit of commas in certain places like here: "Think what our child might look like , like a rainbow in the wind." It just felt strange when reading it. Great poem. Very well-written.

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Fri Dec 24, 2010 6:38 pm

Shearwater says...

Hey, Sprite! Here to review!

So first of all, I'm not very good at reviewing poetry. It is my biggest weakness next to penguin death...
Anyway, here is my attempt.

Think what our child might look like
Like a rainbow in the wind?

The double 'like' here is disrupting actually, might want to find something a little different.
Also, I think it might sound better if it was 'think of what our child might look like." (What a pitiful attempt of trying to be helpful.)

So first of all, I did find it somewhat difficult to see this rainbow in the wind but you did apply it to your writing surprisingly well. The meaning behind this poem is lukewarm and bittersweet and I actually really liked it. There was an instance where I found it actually confusing to really capture your thought or what you were trying to say. It was actually this part right here:

Is the difference just too great
The life impossible to create
Or do you see as I
See that rainbow in the wind?

I'm thinking 'see that rainbow in the wind' is supposed to be a positive thing (somehow) but this bit is a little weird considering the impossible part. Your voice is starting to question the other and I'm thinking the better question here would be do you not see the rainbow in the wind? I mean, it might just be me on this part but I thought I'd let you know. Unless I'm digging to much into this and losing myself at the same time...perhaps I'm just missing something. Ah, poetry and Pink do not mix well together. Especially with reviewing. =(

Anyway, back to the poem. I think you did quite well considering that you haven't written any poetry in a while. I liked the bit of rhyming in this, it wasn't too tied in to the point where it felt forced and was easy on the flow. I also enjoy the fact that this poem isn't that hard to understand, not many little confusing bits where you have to sit and think for a while before you get the picture. The ending was good too, it tied in well with the rest of it. Well, hopefully or magically this review helped slightly in some aspects or just one.

Keep it up,
-Pink

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham

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Fri Dec 24, 2010 11:22 pm

Sins says...

New avvie! I love!

TAIGA.

I was excited to review this, just so that I could say that, ya know. I shall repeat what Punk said by informing you that I suck at poetry reviews. I quite literally know nothing about poetry, only that it involves stanzas and shizz. I also know that not every poem has to rhyme!

The first thing I want to say is that I suggest you mention which song this poem's based on. I've assumed that it was that song from Pochahontis (Pretend that was spelt right), but because you haven't confirmed it, I can't be too sure. Some part of me thinks Beauty and the Beast as well, for some bizzare reason. I'm pretty sure this is Pochahontis (Once again, pretend htat was spelt right) though.

Thinking what our child might look like
Like a rainbow in the wind?

After looking at previous reviews, I'm sure you know why I bolded that by now. I have to agree that it does sound very awkward, so I definitely think you should edit that. It can be easily fixed!

I think I'm going to concentrate more on the whole grammar side of this review because it's the one thing I kind of know about. What I noticed about the grammar in this was that, at times, you didn't use punctuation when you really needed to. What you have to bear in mind is that the grammar in a poem is exaclty the same as in any other kind of writing. I know that you can use punctuation fine, so if you bear that in mind, you'll be fine. This is what I'd edit it to, for example.

When you see my face,
do you find that you
can see copper skin?
Or a rainbow in the wind?

When I take you home
to see my family, can you
look past the broken English
and hear a rainbow in the wind?

When I catch you by surprise
and find an odd look in those eyes,
is it because you’ve stopped believing
in a rainbow in the wind?

When I lay by you at night,
does our future give you fright?
Thinking what our child might look like,
Like a rainbow in the wind?

Is the difference just too great?
The life impossible to create?
I got the impression that these two lines were questions... I'm not sure though.
Or do you see as I
see that rainbow in the wind?
Actuallt, this stanza felt a bit off to me. I'm not sure what you were trying to say exactly. I don't know if it's because of my lack of brain cells, but I did struggle a little to understand what this stanza meant.

For this world is far too small
to judge everyone and all
on the colours of their skin,
when there’s a rainbow in the wind.

Looking at that, you don't actually have too many punctuation issues, but you do have a capital letter at the beginning of every line. That's something I've never been too keen on. Like I said before, the grammar in a poem is exaclt the same as every other piece of writing. You don't start every line in a story with a capitla letter, for example. Don't get me wrong, you can start every line with a capital letter if you want, but I would suggest maybe not doing so. But hey, it's your call.

The only thing I have to actually critique really is that stanza I pointed out. Basically, I was unsure of what it was about exactly. I'm not sure if it's simply because how I read it or not, but you could maybe make it clearer. I'm guessing you're referring to the child thing int he stanza above it, right? The main problem I think I'm unsure about this is because I'm not 100% on what song this poem's based on exactly. If I knew that, it would probably make more sense. Part of it's down to the punctuation as well, I think. Either that, or I'm missing something that's blatently obvious.

Sorry this has sucked!

Keep writing and good luck in the contest! Oh, and Merry Christmas!

xoxo Skins

I didn't know what to put here so I put this.

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Sun Dec 26, 2010 11:38 am

Tigersprite says...

@ballerina13 Thanks for the input, yes it is based on the Pocahontas song. I've added some commas and a few question marks to make it easier to read now.

@Pink Yeah, looking back that double like thing is a bit odd. I've changed it now, so it should be better, and I've put question marks on those first two lines of the stanza you mentioned. What was basically supposed to be said there was: Is the difference (the fact that I'm one race and you're another) too great? Is this life (us living together, getting married, having children) impossible to create (because of the difference)? Or do you see as I, See that rainbow in the wind (do you see that there are so many different colours/ personalities/ people in the world and that they are all beautiful together, that there's no point worrying about the differences). Or something like that.

@Skeensy Hmm. Yes, the thing about each new line starting with a capital letter even if it continued on from another sentence was on purpose. It was my impression that that was how it was normally done, because that's how poems are written in a poem anthology I have and that's how I wrote my other poems. But I'll check about it. And that stanza that was confusing, I think I pretty much summed it up above, and I edited a little to make it easier to understand. Oh, and I referenced Pocahontas now.

"A superman ... is, on account of certain superior qualities inherent in him, exempted from the ordinary laws which govern men. He is not liable for anything he may do."
Nathan Leopold

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Points: 2614
Reviews: 46

Sun Jan 02, 2011 4:51 pm

bookworm27 says...

Tigersprite wrote:NOTE: This is for Elinor Brynn's Disney Songs contest, the details of which can be found here. It is based on Colours of the Wind from Pocahontas.

And I haven't written any poetry in quite some time, so if there's anything you find a little off in reading this, please let me know in a comment. Even if it's a single line.

A Rainbow In The Wind

When you see my faceNot quite a strong beginning...it starts with a lull...
Do you find that you
Can see copper skin?
Or a rainbow in the wind?I am all for use of creativity, but this doesn't seem to fit with the last few lines.Are you describing your face? How are faces rainbows???

When I take you home
To see my family, can you
Look past the broken EnglishYou use the word "look" in this stanza, which denotes sight. And the next line says "hear"...contradiction of senses?
And hear a rainbow in the wind?

When I catch you by surprise
And find an odd look in those eyes,
Is it because you’ve stopped believing
In a rainbow in the wind?

When I lay by you at night
Does our future give you fright?
Thinking how our child might lookAgain, sorry sorry, but how does a child look like a rainbow in the wind? I'm not even sure how wind would effect the look of a rainbow...
Like a rainbow in the wind?

Is the difference just too great,
The life impossible to create?
Or do you see as I
See that rainbow in the wind?

For this world is far too smallOkay, this I like. Not judging is a good essence of a poem...And now I see that you were referring to the use of colors everywhere...but perhaps you could be more explicit earlier?
To judge everyone and all
On the colours of their skin
When there’s a rainbow in the wind.

“Maybe it’s fate that Hound ate the map. Maybe we’ll discover soemthing wonderful while we’re lost.”-The Penderwicks

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Fri Jan 07, 2011 4:14 am

cleverclever says...

Hey, it's nice to be reading something like this. Now lets get down to business on critiquing. The theme is strong and has a nice through-line. But, I am going to be inflammatory for a minute. While I enjoy this poem, I find that I have to sort of make myself delve into it. Instead of it's beauty capturing me, I have to capture it's beauty. I can't decide if that is good or bad. I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this. I promise to get better someday at this and make it up to you. I feel rude because I do not know what to suggest. I love the stanza:

Is the difference just too great,
The life impossible to create?
Or do you see as I
See that rainbow in the wind?

It's beautiful. To me, the poem starts off fairly weak, but then progressively gains strength and I really enjoyed reading it. Keep the work coming.
Apologies for the vague writing,
Clever

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A Rainbow In The Wind (Contest Entry)

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