Young Writers Society

Slipping in and out
Of rivers filled with doubt,
Taking us swiftly through
Its twists and turns and roundabouts.

The lights turn on but all is black
And fading snow fills in my tracks,
Of hatred, sadness, lies and pain
Like builders poly-filling cracks.

Through all these times of weep and woe
I knew that there was more sorrow,
To string their bows and aim at hearts
Closing one eye to shoot the arrow.

Their long brown hands begin to crawl
Down my arm and I feel small
Crushed like a leaf beneath a shoe
Not even time to cry and call.

Yet punishment is only fair
To those who are not unaware
Of lies and cheats and wrongs and curses
They rip your cloaks till they’re threadbare.

Amazing! I loved your description, the rhyming, the rhythm, and the general theme. Awesome!!

Thank you Allikat!

Hey, Vamp here to review, as requested
Sorry it took me so long to get to it

Legend: Grammar/spelling/punctuation will be in red, and comments/suggestions will be in bold.

Slipping in and out
Of rivers filled with doubt,
Taking us swiftly through
Its current buns and trout. Ok, I like this stanza, until the last line. It looks like you've just tried to find a rhyme for "out" and "doubt", and "current buns and trout" doesn't really seem to fit.

The lights turn on but all is black
And fading snow fills in my tracks,
Of hatred, sadness, lies and pain
Like builders poly-filling cracks. I really like this stanza, the second and fourth lines particularly.

Through all these times of weep and woe
I knew that there was more sorrow
To whisk me off my feet and take me This line seems slightly too long, and upsets an otherwise very nice flow. You kind of need to cut a syllable, maybe rewrite it as I can't see anything you can cut and still have it make sense.
To places full of beech and willows. Also, I have the same problem with this line that I did with the last line of the first stanza. It doesn't quite seem to fit.

Their long brown hands begin to crawl
Down my arm and I feel small
Crushed like a leaf beneath a shoe
Not even time to cry and call. I really love this stanza, this and the last are definitely my favourites.

Yet punishment is only fair
To those who are not unaware
Of lies and cheats and wrongs and curses
They rip your cloaks till they’re threadbare. Ok, I think this is my overall favourite stanza. I love it! XD

Overall, I really liked the words and flow, and it was very nicely laid out with very good grammar and spelling.
You're obviously talented, keep it up!
'Pyre

Thank you for your review! I have made some changes.