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Let's Just Say...



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Mon Dec 06, 2010 3:18 am
emoinpink says...



The women sat by the kitchen fire, staring into the flickering flames, arms carefully wrapped around their helpless babes.

"Let's just say," Sarah began, wriggling in her too long dress, "that our husbands have died."

Ellie nodded, cuddling her baby to her breast. It squeaked. "Our lives are so sad," she sighed.

Sarah nodded. "And we have no money, so we're poor."

Ellie nodded sagely. They sat in thoughtful silence, gazing around their tiny house with sad eyes, reflecting on the terrible turn their already harsh life had taken.

Suddenly a great clamour arose outside the door. Sarah jumped up and ran across the cold stone floor, clutching her baby by the arm. "Shut UP!" she bellowed, banging on the door with her free hand. A mocking laugh rang out, then the noise faded to a murmur.

Sarah stalked back to her rickety wooden chair by the fireplace. "They're so stupid," she cried.

Ellie stood up. "We should feed our babies now."

"Nooooo, we should take our babies for a walk."

Ellie shrugged, stomped over in her shiny plastic boots to their one small bed and dropped her child on the worn woolen blankets. "Do you have a pram?"

"I think it's under the bed." Sarah threw her baby onto the bed and got down on her hands and knees.

There was a wild, uncouth roar from outside, and then the door burst open. Two pirates ran in, waving their cutlasses and hollering like the savages they were. They bounded over the floor to the bed and grabbed the tiny babes around the waist, then ran out, laughing with malicious delight.

Sarah cried out, scrambled to her feet and attempted to run after them, but was dragged back by the heels on her overlarge shoes. She fell onto her stomach, rolled over and began to whimper.

Ellie stood beside her, wringing her hands as she watched tears brim up and threaten to overflow. "Please don't cry."

Sarah wailed, frustrated beyond words.

"We'll go rescue them! It'll be and adventure!" Ellie announced, feeling horribly small and useless.

The wailing stopped.

"We'll get them back," Ellie finished desperately.

Sarah looked at her, then smiled.


Outside the cottage door, a narrow gorge ran for countless miles, it's high white walls stretching up to reach the sun. Sarah eyed the glimmer of blue sky above them and sniffed.

"Come on, let's go," Ellie said hastily, swishing her silky pink skirts.

Sarah stepped in front of her and strode off with bare feet, Ellie trailing behind, trying to think of something to say.

"Let's just say," Ellie said, "that this is taking a long time."

"Days."

"Weeks!"

"Months."

"Years!"

Sarah frowned. "No, 'coz then our babies will be all growing up."

"Okay."

"So just months."

"Yeah."

They travelled for months, faithfully following the gorge. Other passageways opened up beside them, but still they followed the gorge, knowing in their hearts they were going the right way. Never once did they think of turning back, even as their feet bled and their legs ached and their stomachs groaned from lack of food.

"But we stopped to sleep sometimes."

"Duh, Ellie!"

They spent most of the journey in silence, engulfed by their own thoughts.


Finally they reached the end of the gorge. Before them was a castle, it's ugly grey walls almost as high as the gorge. Sarah crept up to the great wooden door, nearly three times her height, and beckoned Ellie imperiously. They peered through a gap into the the room beyond.

It was a kitchen, far larger than their's at home. A long bench ran along one wall, a dining table by the other. It was an ugly place, all carved from bleak grey stone, with food splatters everywhere, and three grimy windows. Dead rats covered the floor, and a lion hulked in the corner, curled up on a tattered piece of cloth. Lying on the bench, like a diamond in a coal mine, was a delicious looking-

"Pizza!" Ellie cried.

"Shhhh! The giants will hear you." Sarah shook her head with impatience and checked the room again.

Ellie flushed. "Giants?"

"Yeah. There's the meanest one-"

Sitting at the table, frowning at the books and papers, was a great green-skinned person, five times the height of a normal human. She tossed her shiny, straight auburn hair away from her face, and Ellie saw that she only had one eye-a huge, golden-orange ball set above her nose, it's menacing black pupil glaring down at the papers as if she could make them burst into flame.

"-and there's the biggest one."

The other giant was ten times the height of a normal person, bustling around the kitchen, mixing strange concoctions in cracked bowls, placing the pizza to cook above a roaring fire.

The meanest one was speaking with her ugly, whiny voice.

"... let them both have friends over, Mum, you know they just make three times as much noise as usual?"

"Three times?" Your exaggerating. Ellie's a sweet girl." The biggest giant's voice grated like broken glass.

"Ellie's all right, but Jack? He makes three times as much noise all on his own." The lion strolled over and butted it's head against her knees. The meanest giant scratched his head with her long, pointed claws.

"Let's just say," Sarah whispered, "that we have to go through here without them seeing us."

Ellie nodded, to terrified to speak.

"He's Ethan's best friend. And look who's talking, remember what you and Jacob used to get up to when he lived just across the road?"

"Muuuum, don't start that again..." The meanest giant glowered at her book. "What's the circumference of a circle if it's radius is-"

"They're not looking!"

Taken by surprise, Ellie was pulled through the door by Sarah, and followed on her stomach as they snuck towards the door in the back of the kitchen, their hearts threatening to thump straight through their chests. They nearly made it, but then-

"SARAH-MAY, IS THAT MY DRESS?!"

"Run!" Sarah squealed, and they jumped up and ran, the biggest giant's voice booming behind them, her footsteps shaking the whole room. The lion roared and the meanest giant shrieked. Fear gave them wings, and they hurtled across to the door, scrabbled desperately at the handle, flung it open and escaped into the cool world of blue skies and green plains.


Meanwhile, the pirates waited on their great wooden ship, looks of confusion slowly growing on their evil faces.

"I thought they'd come get them," Captain Jack said slowly, feeling completely stupefied.

"Me too." First Mate Ethan stood up and walked to the edge of the ship, bouncing slightly. The High Seas were spread out all around them, rippling like blue silk. He took a deep breath of salty air, then turned to his Captain.

"Let's just say," he said, "that we see an island!"

"An island?"

"With buried treasure!"

"Treasure! Arrrrgggh!" howled Captain Jack, squinting through his eyepatch, throwing the babies aside and waving his cutlass. The pirates ran around the ship, whooping and dancing and trying not to be bounced too much. Captain Jack vaulted off the ship, hitting the white sand and springing to his feet.

"Ahoy me hearties! Let's go get some treasure!"

"Treasure!" the First Mate yodeled, bending his legs and getting ready to jump.


Sarah and Ellie continued across the plain, both of them barefoot now.

Sarah pointed ahead. "Let's just say," she called out, "that that's a mountain!"

Ellie's legs began to drag. "I'm feeling so tired," she moaned.

"You can't be tired yet! We haven't even got to the mountain!" Sarah snapped.

"Oh." Ellie looked at her feet, and saw a twisting vine, bearing clumps of round, ruby red fruits, shining in the sun.

"Let's just say," Ellie called, "that these are magic berries, and they make people not-tired."

Sarah turned. "That's a good idea." She gazed at her companion with newfound respect. Ellie smiled as she took a bite of the magic berries, feeling the sun warmed juice dribbling down her chin.

"Sarah!"

She froze. "It's the giant!" Taking Ellie by the hand, she ran with her into the forest bordering the plain.

The voice of the meanest giant grew closer. "Sarah! Come on. Mum's gonna be really mad if you ruin her dress."

Sarah pressed her lips close to Ellie's ear. "It's a trap!" Ellie huddled deeper into the thick undergrowth.

"Seriously, come out-never mind. Mum can deal with you. I've got homework to finish anyway." The meanest giant strode away.

Sarah waited til the earth had stopped shaking, then ran out onto the plains. "Quick! We'll have to go up the mountain."

They ran across the last stretch of plain, and began to climb. Their already tired legs began to ache from the strain as the scrambled over rock shelves and tramped through forests.

Halfway up, it grew bitterly cold. Ellie shivered-and nearly bumped into Sarah. They'd reached the summit. Before them, a smooth, glassy slope ran down the side of the mountain. Sarah looked at her thoughtfully.

"I'll go first," she said, and jumped, shrieking as she slid down the mountain. Ellie waited til she could no longer see her, then followed.

The wind rushed past her ears at a hundred miles an hour. She reached the bottom of the slope and toppled forward, then looked up. They'd reached the edge of an endless blue sea.

Sarah turned to Ellie.

"Let's just say," she gasped, "that that took a long time."

Ellie nodded, thinking of the weeks of travel they'd just endured. Her stomach was heaving like the sea stretched out before them.

"Our babies!"

Ellie followed Sarah as she waded into the sea. The icy water splashed all the way to her chin, but she followed anyway, clambering up the ladder reaching down the side of the ship. Her belly had begun to burn.

There was a wild roar, like they one they'd heard before their poor children were taken. They turned to see the pirates sprinting across the sand, their clothes covered in sand.

"We gotta get the babies!" Sarah yelped, spinning around and trying not to be bounced too high.

Ellie didn't answer. She was bent double, leaning over the side of the ship, whimpering, the fire in her belly having spread to her throat. "I think I've been poisoned," she breathed.

"Poison!" Sarah cried, enraged. "You haven't been poisoned, stupid, you're here to get the babies back!" She jumped, sending Ellie a few inches into the air.

"No," Ellie said. "I think I actually got poi-"

And she threw up over the side of the ship.

Sarah and the pirates stared with disgust and a horrible kind of fascination as Ellie retched again.

"Sarah!"

"Oh noes," Sarah whispered.

The biggest giant strode towards them, clearing the plains and the mountain in three steps, the meanest giant traipsing behind. She stood in the deep part of the ocean (which only reached her ankles) and frowned down at them. Sarah stared up at her, trembling.

The biggest giant let out a surprisingly kind laugh.

"Silly girl!" she chuckled. "I told you kids not to eat those berries, remember?"

"What? That's not funny! She's been poisoned! Will she be alright?" the meanest giant asked, hanging back warily.

"Calm down. She'll just be throwing up for a while," the biggest giant sighed. "Poor girl. Come on." She lifted Ellie with one large hand and walked back to the castle.

"Can you get my dress?" she called back. The meanest giant bent down and yanked the travel-stained dress over Sarah's head. Sarah stood and watched, short and skinny in her jeans and pink t-shirt, as the meanest giant strode back over the plains.

The pirates looked at the puddle of pink sick, then at Sarah, seeing their own shock reflected in each others faces.

Sarah smiled slowly.

"Let's just say..."

Spoiler! :
Just in case it isn't clear, the 'narrow gorge' is a hallway, the 'mountain' is a slide, and the 'pirate ship' is a trampoline.
Last edited by emoinpink on Thu Dec 23, 2010 10:35 am, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Tue Dec 07, 2010 12:10 pm
ziggiefred says...



Hello there :)

"Let's just say," Sarah began, wriggling in her too long dress
I think you meant to say "in her dress which was too long".
Your story means well, I will give you that much. It's well thought out and kind of quirky. I did feel however that most of it was just told on the surface. There were no real deep connections and emotion. I mean, we are supposed to be inside the imagination of children, right? Paint that colourful picture and make me feel like I'm inside that imagination as well. Also, your grammar needs a lot of work.
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Tue Dec 14, 2010 9:07 pm
Tigersprite says...



Tiger here to review! Well, barely.

So I was going through this, and at first I was correcting what I thought were impossible occurrences. It took me a while to understand that we were seeing the story through the eyes of children, and when I did realize it, I went back again to re-read. And in my opinion, you've captured the the imaginative play of children to a T. I can relate to this story myself--making up parts of the adventure as one goes along--and I think you did a fantastic job. To be honest, the only nitpicks I have are that you often use it's when you should use its. And towards the end you misspelled words so that it would make the characters more child-like, but this is inconsistent with the beginning where you did no such thing.

Really, amazing work and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

P. S. *likes* Really, sorry that I couldn't give a better review than this. I recommend you ask someone like seemingymeaningless or borntobeawriter, because I couldn't find anything wrong.
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Wed Dec 15, 2010 1:57 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Emoinpink,

Thanks for the request! I think Tiger was giving me too much credit. *smiles*

At first, I thought like Tiger that none of this made sense. Then, I understood. *smiles*

And I really enjoyed it. I feel, like Ziggie, that there's missing a certain je ne sais quoi to the story. A little something.

How old are these kids? Old enough to be speaking good, long phrases. Then why slip up a time or two to say 'a 'venture?' or 'aksherly' It's as if you're trying to remind us that they are after all, children. We know. We got it. So either have one of them slip up with words like this throughout the piece, or cut out these parts.

Again, how old are they? Because I have friends who are severly allergic to peanuts and stuff and they are taught very young that those are 'poison', not to eat them. If these girls can run around, talking complete sentences, they are obviously old enough to know what's good or not for them.
The idea is good, because this story could have gone on for a long time if not for the timely 'poisoning'. *smiles*
Maybe some berries that aren't made to be eaten? Because she wouldn't suddenly start retching, she'd feel funny first, her throat and stomach on fire. Her face flushed. This should also be mentioned.

Also, the title is a mouthful. Don't give the story away. I would suggest changing it to: Let's just say...
I think it's a good, strong, intriguing title. People will want to know more.

And I think those where the only points I wanted to mention. And I actually had to think for a few minutes to come up with a helpful review. I really enjoyed this. We were all kids. And, being writers, we all have strong imaginations. I found myself smiling throughout this piece.

Nice job. Great writing.
Hope this review helped.
Tanya :D
  





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Wed Dec 15, 2010 8:35 pm
Valentine says...



I didn't read what the other people said, so sorry if I repeat some things.

I am here as requested.

At first I was annoyed as nothing seemed to be realistic. Then I started to realize that it wasn't actually real. The thing that made is not that great for me was a couple of things.

The grammar: There were many points in the story where words or phrases stood out to me like "engulfed" or "whimpered." Words like these are great, but in certain righting styles just don't belong and take away from the story.

The Dialogue: These I assume are younger kids I assume, but their talking it stilted and regimented. If you listen to young kids, they laugh a lot, and talk really weird. They barely complete sentences most of the time. Also, you seemed to have Sarah break from the story and say out loud what they are going to pretend is what. Kids don't say it, they just go with the flow and do random things.

The descriptions: The mind of a young child using his imagination is a fantastic thing, full of vivid colors and smells, and feelings. You kind of only scraped the top of the iceberg in this story with those things. It should feel almost magical when you are finished.

Overall, I liked the general theme of the story. It was lacking some things when it came to style and depth, but that is developed as one rights more. I hope this helped, if you need any more reviews from me, you know where to go.

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Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:19 pm
LadySpark says...



Hi! Pointe here as requested!

I didn't get it till the end but this is two little girls playing dress up.

I like it, though at the beginning I didn't get it. So you need to fix that.

I'm in a hurry so I'm going to do an overall review


Grammar:
Nice, no problems there, though I think you do need to add more description


Storyline:
nice, and original

Characters:
since this is a short story, the characters don't really develop in front of us, so you need to have there personalities, looks and words ready made.

Thats all!
~pointe
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