Young Writers Society

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This is a very interesting poem. The way you the words are written makes me think that someone clearly wrote them with passion. You have grammar and spelling all right, the only thing I find wrong with it is this:

the way they would a man’s spine,

That line just doesn't feel right. I don't know if you're trying to imply something, but it doesn't work for me. Well done, and keep writing!

Hey there BB. Remember me! Oh well, doesn’t matter if you do or don’t. What I should be saying is that I need to make sure to remind you to submit something to the YWS Literary Journal this year. Because everything you write, mostly because of the imagery, always seems to just blow my mind.

You manage to capture this one moment (well probably a few more moments than just one) and you make it sound so drawn and long, like looking at a photograph.

I have, literally, one nitpick in all of this.

the mannequins lying shapeless and thoughtless

The ‘and’ in there seems to add too much to this line which makes it read a little clumsily. I would either replace the ‘and’ with a comma or get rid of ‘and thoughtless.’ But that’s just a recommendation.

Honestly, I could sit here and say all of the most wonderful things but I won’t because I can’t really think of anything truly negative to say.

I enjoyed it, most definitely enjoyed it.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

~lilymoore

Blackbird! You already know that I'm a fan of your poetry, but I'm going to gush over this anyway. It's descriptive and vague (bordering on a tad bit too vague, mind you), and gives the reader something to chew on. There was one part, though, that just didn't fly for me.

his fingers cupping the brush
the way they would a man’s spine,

That's probably because I have no experience cupping a man's spine, but to each his own. Play around with that part and see what you can come up with.

Also, watch out for 'run-on sentences'. Yes, they exist in poetry. There are a couple of iffy places among the stanzas that you may want to sharpen for grammar (and even flow).

Try it out!

-Lumiface

Hey blackbird,

While I love the image and theme you're working on here, the execution is a little bit too loose for me to enjoy as much as I could. First, it's how your sentences do seem to drag on a little, as Lumi pointed out; or it's not that they're dragging on so much as they're too disjointed, two or three images or lines of thought coming out without being closely linked enough.

Take the first stanza: you've got the woman and the painter, the brush as it is held--and those work well enough together, with that idea that holding the brush is almost akin to touching another human being (and so the model), though the formulation of "the way they would a man’s spine" could probably be improved--but then you've got the dress coming out of nowhere in the same sentence, kind of like an afterthought, and it breaks the image by inserting another element at the last moment.

Same thing for the second: we go from canvas to mannequins to fingerprint to "the plane of her body". It's too much crammed in just those lines. (Incidentally, "the plane of her body" also jars because it comes after "walls" and "windows"; it's a short, rolling sound of 'pl' that's weird after the more openmouthed 'w's).

Third stanza is the best, but I think there should be something after "broken", just to emphasize the last part, which is that hits the hardest.

Great job, still.

Hi Blackbird. Here as requested. : )

This was nice, your poetry is a pleasure to read but there are three things that made it less then ideal in my eyes.

Firstly, you tried too hard with the sexual innuendos. I felt as if I with one of those people who bursts out laughing and has to comment on anything that sounds dirty, and they do so constantly. It's annoying, and comes across as forcefully raunchy. You want to be subtle about it. Weave it in and make it sound as natural as possible, like the continuation of a thought. But If you weren't trying to be sexual, be more careful with your words.

But anyways, second thing.
You've over crammed your poem, which I'm guilty of at times.

You have too many thoughts you want to get through in only a few lines, you have to trim the fat in these cases.
Things like the dress over the chair are excess ideas that bring nothing to your poem.

Keep your thoughts organized, making it simple to follow and not shoving all the information into one space when you can spread it out over a stanza. If want the dress in the first stanza, have something that relates to it before or after, otherwise it stands out alone and awkward.

Finally, this one is a little more difficult. And it's the fact you're completely detached from your poem. You fail to connect with anything you say.

Poems who's poets are detached from then suffer in the communication to the readers. It's just becomes unmemorable and sounds mildly forced.
I'm not saying love and adore your poem and the personas in it, I'm saying if you want something strong, you want to invest yourself into what you're saying.

It's hard to treat detachment in a poet, those who struggle with it really need a poem or idea they adore which they then become invested in.

What you can do however is cover it up. Try to get into the skin of the artist in your case. It'll change the way you word it.
At this moment, you're putting yourself in the skin of a third party observer. You want to be the third party observer putting themselves in the skin of the artist, if that makes sense?

Anyways, good job. If you'd like something else, you know where to find me.

Kamas

Greetings Blackbird, I have to say your poetry is a delight to read, it's grabs you in, is suitably subtle and you really get a chance to admire the terrific imagery being beheld to you. This is your second poem I've read, Iloved how gruesome and macabre your last piece was, lets see if this can follow the pattern. I'd hope so. Lets begin.

her body is curled into a letter
from an unknown alphabet,
bare lines and swoops—
her dress slung over the chair
like a thread of confessions,
unraveling.

Okay, in your case, your hook is absolutely superb, you can really imagine that image, great entry and it's rather suggestive too. It's a great start with major promise. Now we seem to enter abstract relating to the title, but yet with some lines that seems say more than perhaps it's a picture, it seems alive. I especially have to love the line about confessions, I don't know, it makes the picture seem like something they shouldn't be doing, it seems wrong. I love the first stanza.

his fingers cup the brush
the way they stroke a man's wrist,
slashing the canvas
as the mannequins stare
shapeless and thoughtless,
the mosaics of his fingerprints
like eyes across the walls, the windows,
the length of her body.

Now on to the second stanza, here I feel, I can somewhat relate to what jagged says, it seems you try a little to hard to make this sexual, I think in your case best idea is to be subtle, as it seems to work well for you. The line about mannequins creeps me out, it's like they judging him, faceless jury, yet they have no thoughts, but idea they stare sends a horrible shiver down my spine. The last three lines especially 'mosaic of his fingerprints' I love, and it relates again to the fact he's drawing, but the word fingerprints seems to again accentuate he's doing something wrong, that's he guilty.

light lands on her shoulder,
and now he thrusts the brush forward—
the ideal light
where each angle is illuminated,
where each bone is broken
and she is no longer a woman,
only brushstrokes.

In this stanza I love how you get the idea he's sexually frustrated, so he draws these beautiful woman which he inevitably destroys in a fit of pure anger, it's a tragic piece.

Overall: I don't feel this is as good as 'wristbiter' but it's got the similar style, but I feel this piece is far more tragic, it seems the man dreams are broken, and all he can relate is these pictures of woman he draws. But even if it's sad the second stanza is a little iffy and third one while seemingly managing to convey point, seems too rushed not in speed but in what word choice is. This isn't an awful piece, it's just a tad iffy, but I can't give it a like because of that.

Hope this helps.