Young Writers Society

Examining her, I try and see what he see's.

Elegant curls spiraling down her back?
The only feature worth looking at.
That can't be it though
So I try to see the inner beauty that he see's.


Her characteristics aren't beautiful
like a sunset on a calm afternoon.
She is more like a derirous wave,
waiting for the wind to anger her,
for him to cheat with the sand.

She lashes out in anger,
but only at the sand.
For she believes the sand is the culprit.

She waits for the wind,
almost patiently,
like a clever devisor of a wicked plot.
She knows he will cheat
if only she could prove it,
make the wind move faster.

She careeses the sand,
waiting for the jealousy of the wind.
Waiting for him to prove her point.
The wind is smarter than the wave though.

He gently teases the wave,
he blows the sand
but nothing more.

The wave grows jealous and angry.
Her point proven valid,
she returns to the wind,
apologizing for her wicked plot.

The wind in turn forgives her,

And the sand simply stares at them
wondering why such a thing would last between them,
but never coming up with a response.
It simply ponders at the idea
hiding in a pit of lonliness.

(rewrite)


Main copy

Elegant curls spiral down her back
like an extra garment enrobing her
with a certain grace that generallyonly he can see.
But I have examined herhave examined themclosely
.Her characteristics aren't beautifull
ike a sunset on a calm afternoon.
She is more like a wave,
waiting for the wind to anger her
so she can lash out.
She never hits the wind,
she only affects the millions of specks
that make of the sands of society
.She waits for the wind
,almost patiently,
like a clever devisor of a wicked plot
.She careesses the sand,
waiting for the jealousy of the wind.
The wind is smarter than the wave though.
He gently teases the wave,
only to extract himself
to feed its comfort
to the sand.
The wave grows jealous
and hungry for the attention
her beloved wind gave to her.
She returns to the wind,
apologizing for her love of the sand.
The wind in turn forgives her,
and they both leave the sand behind.
The sand simply stares of them
wondering why sich a thing would last.
Never coming up with a response,
just wasting the sand
in the hourglass of time.

Flower~Child wrote:Elegant curls spiral down her back
like an extra garment enrobingSpell check is giving me a red squiggly line here. I would check this word. her
with a certain grace that ,generally,
only he can see.
But I have examined her,
have examined them
closely.

Her characteristics aren't beautiful
like a sunset on a calm afternoon.
She is more like a wave,
waiting for the wind to anger her
so she can lash out.

She never hits the wind,
she only affects the millions of specks
that make of the sands of society.

She waits for the wind,
almost patiently,
like a clever devisorI think this should be divisor of a wicked plot.

She careessescaresses the sand,
waiting for the jealousy of the wind.
The wind is smarter than the wave though.

He gently teases the wave,
only to extract himself
to feed its comfort
to the sand.

The wave grows jealous
and hungry for the attention
her beloved wind gave to her.

She returns to the wind,
apologizing for her love of the sand.

The wind in turn forgives her,
and they both leave the sand behind.

The sand simply stares of them
wondering why sichsuch a thing would last.
Never coming up with a response,
just wasting the sand
in the hourglass of time.

This is good. I like the way all of the elements are personified. This flows well. Keep going!

Flower~Child wrote:Elegant curls spiral down her back
like an extra garment enrobing her Well, it took me a minute to realise that this is her hair. Which seems out of place because you're stating what you've observed before stating that you're even observing. That's backwards and it's also out of place with the rest of the stanza. Also, I do not like the words, extra, enrobing and her. Reason being is that if you just said spiral down her back like a garment. It has the same effect, we know it is enrobing or something close to that because it's down her back. And then garment would describe this.
with a certain grace that generally
only he can see.
But I have examined her You don't need to say that you've examined her if you're examining both.
have examined them
closely.

Her characteristics aren't beautiful But you've described elegant hair, and that's a word associated with beauty, right? So these are rather conflicting descriptions and then you'd want to add the hair line here. Aren't beautiful like elegant hair etc.
like a sunset on a calm afternoon.
She is more like a wave, Here, to fit what is above, you'd have to add a word or something like crued. She's a crued wave.
waiting for the wind to anger her This is a bit confusing (to me), you might want to say obstructs or something like that. Because anything that gets in your way is going to make you angry, right?
so she can lash out. You should continue with the wave thing. Saying like: so she can smash into a boat. Or something.

She never hits the wind,
she only affects the millions of specks
that make of the sands of society. How does she effect everyone? More importantly, why does this matter? It's a nice idea but it's out of place. You might want to lose it then combine this with the next stanza. So it reads more like: She doesn't hit the wind, while she waits almost patiently, etc etc.

She waits for the wind,
almost patiently, What is almost patiently? She's all fidgety? Can't sit still? If so, say that. And lead it into your next line
like a clever devisor of a wicked plot. And how do they wait? This is a rather subjective description. You can say she waits almost patiently like high tide coming down. Or you can even say she waits like she's got a plan.

She careesses the sand,
waiting for the jealousy of the wind. You're using wind soooo much, it's kinda getting annoying. You should try grouping these ideas togeather and making them lead into one another. Instead of a bunch of broken sentences.
The wind is smarter than the wave though. I doubt you need this line, you'll most likely show (I hope) later on how the wind is smarter.

He gently teases the wave,
only to extract himself
to feed its comfort
to the sand. This stanza makes little sense. You should try rewriting this, or removing it. Because this stanza is the wind interacting with the wave but it refers to how the wave interacts with the sand. And it's just confusing.

The wave grows jealous
and hungry for the attention
her beloved wind gave to her.

She returns to the wind,
apologizing for her love of the sand.

The wind in turn forgives her,
and they both leave the sand behind.

The sand simply stares of them
wondering why sich a thing would last. Such? And when you say the sand is staring at them, we can figure out that they left the sand. and because they leave togeather, we can also figure out that the wind forgives the wave.
Never coming up with a response, Isn't the response wondering why it would last...?
just wasting the sand
in the hourglass of time.

I am sorry but this is just so boring. This is a list of what happened, not a fluid chain of thought.

And I see you tried to do things in relation with the other. But you basicly changed your name to wave. The boy's name to wind. And the other boy's name to sand. And then just said this happened, then this happened and then this happened.

Before, I know I said to get your ideas closer togeather and falling into one another. And with the set up you have here, you can just describe what the ocean does and make a few connections to the love and the boys and what not.
This poem is all personification which is just boring.

I think if you added some more poetic devices and a lot less use of this personification you can achieve a more subtle and enjoyable poem.
Try getting your major ideas and how they can possibly relate to the motions of the ocean / beach.

Let me know when you've done this and I will come take another look.
Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.

Well, I have to disagree with silented1, featured member though he may be. XD I didn't think it was boring, actually I liked it quite a bit. Occasionally the words got a little repetetive, but oh well. I like your use of personification, but I think you are the sand, correct? And she is the wave, and he is the wind?

I feel privileged to be probably the only person on here who knows the full story behind this; it certainly hepled me understand it better. Perhaps the water will dry up eventually.

Hey, Flower!

I'm not sure if I'm going to be much help here, if I'm honest. You've already gotten reviews that have pointed out things that I also noticed... Plus, your writing keeps getting better, so it's getting harder and harder for me to find things to critique. I actually think I have a small idea of what this may be about as well... I'm very observant, you see. Anyway! I'll see if I cna come up with anything...

Okay, I only have one real thing I'd like to mention. You're using a lot of metaphors and personifications. Different people will think differently, but I'm not overly keen on having a load of them in a poem because, in my opinion, the poem can become a little bit too wordy. Plus, because I'm a bit slow, it's harder for me to understand exactly what you're trying to say. Don't get me wrong, the imagery you're creating is good. I would just like to see you consider using a bit less of it.

In the end, it's up to you whether you want to tone the imagery down. The reason it can sometimes not be a great thing is because with a pile of imagery in a poem, it can easily make the reader forget about the poem itself and what the message you're trying to get across is. I think this happened a weeny bit in here. If I didn't have a little bit of an idea what it was about anyway, I would have struggled a lot more, I think. Like I said; it's up to you really, but I think that you should maybe consider this.

I think that's it... I feel awfully useless... xD Sorry I haven't been much help here, Flower. All that you need to do is to give this a little edit, and I think it could be a really wonderful poem. You had a few grammatical mistakes, but there was nothing worth bothering about. If you read over the poem carefully, you should spot them anyway.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hello I'm LastPaladin and with this piece I felt a mixed bag on one end I loved the personification of the main characters, but on the other hand I felt it dragged on and felt whiny by the end, though it had much of the element of a poem, it doesn't deliver, heart ache shouldn't bore a person in fact should do opposite and make us really feel. I shall address the good though, the metaphors and personifications were superb, excellent job on a fairly new way to capture some great emotion, on the other hand it felt dry and droned on and one.

See I'm not sure what to feel with this, it's good, but it's also bad, it's like it delivers but doesn't quite, it's basically a contradiction in terms of how it performs.

My suggestion would be to perhaps rewrite this but try condense it and really keep up the emotion with the superb language techniques, deliver emotion and you got a full bag, for now it's mixed and I have to say it annoys me more than I like it, as it shows great potential, which is never quite reached, that is not to say it won't be -- just that it's not reached that zenith quite yet.

Hope this helps.

Hello, sorr it took me so long to get here. Thanksgiving week and all made it hard for me to get to anything on the computer...

So, I like this, I think it is a cool way to talk about jealousy. But I find that a few things don't make complete sence to me... I will point those out.

Red- Grammer mistakes
Blue- Things I think you should change to make the poem better, in my opinion, or from my expereance.
Pink/purple- Things I really like
Green- Aditional comments

Elegant curls spiraling down her back?<< Should that be a "?"
The only feature worth looking at.
That can't be it though
So I try to see the inner beauty that he see's. <<This is a long and kinda awkward line. You might want to shorten it...

She knows he will cheat
if only she could prove it,
make the wind move faster << Here I don't see how she is making the wind move faster. Or how she can make the wind move faster...

The wave grows jealous and angry.
Her point proven valid,
she returns to the wind,
apologizing for her wicked plot. If the wave gets angry and jealous, why would it go back to the wind and apologize??

The wind in turn forgives her,
And the sand simply stares at them
wondering why such a thing would last between them, Would sound better and make more sence as "how"
but never coming up with a response.
It simply ponders at the idea
hiding in a pit of lonliness.

So here I don't understand, this is the first time the sand comes in as a "thinking" individual, before it was just there being acted upon, we had no clue how it felt, now you say the sand doesn't know how a relationship like that could work. I don't see how the sand is truly feeling or who the sand truly is. Maybe explain this a little better...

So, i love the personification, I think with some work and editing this can be a good poem. Keep up the great work!!

Hope your thanksgiving was wonderful!!

~Rain~

Hiya! Bookworm here to review-> feel free to PM me with any questions!

Flower~Child wrote:Examining her, I try and see what he see's.Somehow, the wording is awkward here with the repetitive "see"

Elegant curls spiraling down her back?
The only feature worth looking at.
That can't be it though
So I try to see the inner beauty that he see's.Eeeks! Again with the sees! There is a plethora of words out there begging to be chosen!


Her characteristics aren't beautiful
like a sunset on a calm afternoon.
She is more like a derirous wave,I'm quite sure that derirous is not a word by dictionary.com standards...could you mean delirious?
waiting for the wind to anger her,
for him to cheat with the sand.What does this expression mean? It sounds interesting, but fluffy

She lashes out in anger,
but only at the sand.I can't understand why sand is the culprit? What has it done?
For she believes the sand is the culprit.

She waits for the wind,
almost patiently,Almost patiently? So mostly impatiently??
like a clever devisor of a wicked plot.
She knows he will cheat
if only she could prove it,
make the wind move faster.Perhaps i'm a bit vacation headed, but you lost me...I'm not quite sure where this poem is going

She careeses the sand,
waiting for the jealousy of the wind.
Waiting for him to prove her point.
The wind is smarter than the wave though.

He gently teases the wave,
he blows the sand
but nothing more.

The wave grows jealous and angry.
Her point proven valid,
she returns to the wind,
apologizing for her wicked plot.

The wind in turn forgives her,

And the sand simply stares at them
wondering why such a thing would last between them,
but never coming up with a response.
It simply ponders at the idea
hiding in a pit of lonliness.

(rewrite)


Main copyOh..and this is where i see the rewrite! Whoops!

Elegant curls spiral down her back
like an extra garment enrobing her
with a certain grace that generallyonly he can see.
But I have examined herhave examined themclosely
.Her characteristics aren't beautifull
ike a sunset on a calm afternoon.
She is more like a wave,
waiting for the wind to anger her
so she can lash out.
She never hits the wind,
she only affects the millions of specks
that make of the sands of society
.She waits for the wind
,almost patiently,
like a clever devisor of a wicked plot
.She careesses the sand,
waiting for the jealousy of the wind.
The wind is smarter than the wave though.
He gently teases the wave,
only to extract himself
to feed its comfort
to the sand.
The wave grows jealous
and hungry for the attention
her beloved wind gave to her.
She returns to the wind,
apologizing for her love of the sand.
The wind in turn forgives her,
and they both leave the sand behind.
The sand simply stares of them
wondering why sich a thing would last.
Never coming up with a response,
just wasting the sand
in the hourglass of time.

love the ending! the rewrite is a great improvement! Nicely done!

I love the ending and your word choice was superb! Plus, you punctuated properly, your spelling was right, and it was all around fantastic!

This poem was very good! I really liked the flow of the poem and the creativity in your words! Good Job!