Young Writers Society

Wrote this really late last night, edited a little today. What do you think??

You probably don’t remember me,
but I remember you.
I was your first friend;
The one you looked to
when you were sad.
The one you talked to
when you felt alone.
I followed you everywhere,
saw your every smile
and your every tear.

I was the flower you picked
that made you so happy.
The funky nail polish,
you used to love to wear.
I was everything to you,
and your still everything to me.

You soon forgot me,
moved on to better things.
I guess I was never enough,
I was a glass empty of water.

I’m still with you,
and I always will be.
Just like the little scars
all little kids get.

I was there for your first kiss;
for your first school dance.
I was there when your first love
broke your fragile heart
and when another came along
and helped you stitch the wound.

I was there for everything,
whether you saw me or not.
I was there and always will be.
I’ll be with you even when
you're nothing but a wax doll in a box.
You may have forgotten me
but I will never forget you;
never leave you.

I will still be here
when you need a friend,
or someone to talk to.
I’ll be there,
right behind you; beside you,
or even in front of you.
No matter where I stand
I’ll be with you.

Sincerely, your Shadow.

Hi,
I like this poem but I picked up a few little mistakes.

I fallowed you everywhere,

Just a little type or spelling mistake, 'Fallowed' should be 'Followed'

I’ll be with you even when
your nothing, but a wax doll in a box.

This didn't really make sense to me. I couldn't work it out, maybe try putting a comma after 'nothing' (as I've done in bold)

right behind you; beside you,

I don't think the second 'beside you' is really needed. It's almost like you're repeating to fill in space.

For the last line, I'd keep it.

Overall, I really like this poem. It's really deep and meaningful. We don't really think much of our shadows, so this opened up my mind more. I'd give you a 4/5
Have a great day,
-Waterlilygirl

As requested, I am here. I just read over this and I know that I'm not going to be much help as it is already great. But anway, I'll try.

I. Nitpicks:

I fallowed followed you everywhere,

Do you mean followed?

I will still be here

Forgot the word will, unless you weren't intending putting it in there then you didn't forget anything.

II. Plot/Arc:

Keep the last line, it ties it all off perfectly. Wow. I mean I knew you were talented but this just screams great. Now I wished I could write poetry. I could feel the emotion coming off of the words when I read and I couldn't help but feel them. That screams weird to me but it also yells that you have talent with words and I want to see more. I have no problem with this as I find it absolutely perfect. This is the best, and I am not lying, poem I've ever read!

I just love every thing about and I think I am going to cry at how sweet it is and let me tell you, I do not cry because of poetry...geez, repition much: YOU'RE THE BEST POET EVER! I hate to see what you write when you're fully awake and in you're own atmosphere.

III. Overall:

I feel useless! I didn't have much to pick up on. Like I said before, this was very very good. I love it! I am in love with your poem. Keep writing, because I want to see more of your works. I wonder what you're like when you write stories. O.o Perfect probably.

Anyway, great job.

Cassa de Review-ae

Hello! Teardrop here! I'm not going to be of much help, since this is very well written but I'll take a shot at it.

SilentRain wrote:I fallowed you everywhere,

"fallowed" is spelled "followed."

I think you should keep the last line, it ties the whole poem off and without that, except the title, I might not have been able to figure out who wrote it.

SilentRain wrote:your nothing but a wax doll in a box.

shouldn't "your" be "you're"?

Overall, I like this very much. I loved the whole meaning of it, nice imaginary. Sometimes, though, I noticed some lines stopped the flow. I would try reading the poem out loud and making sure everything flows correctly. Other than that and the nitpicks, I really really enjoyed this poem. You're a wonderful poet! Sorry I wasn't of much help. this sounds awesome. : )

Wonderful poem, keep writing! : )

~ Teardrop

Hey Silent!

Okay, the reason why I don't get many poetry request is because I epically stink at poetry. But, some people are brave enough to request reviews on poems from me so I applaud them. So, here is your review, if you find it helpful, yay x10 if not, aww x 100. =)

Alright first of all I found your poem very beautiful. I liked it a lot and that means I don't have much to comment on. Whoops. But everything has room for improvement, no?
First of all, I think that there was a lack or imagery here, not as deep as I thought it might have been. You don't necessarily have to go overboard with this but it is a shadow, I think you could have added some bit of darkness in here that would have made it bit more interesting to read. However, it is a 'letter' so the simplicity kind of works out.
What I liked the most about this was how easy it was to connect to the Shadow. I mean, I seriously remember back in the old days where I used to talk to my shadow like an insane child. I'm sure I'm not the only one but it's very neat how you painted these thoughts into the poem.

Well, I did enjoy reading this poem. You did a good job and sorry I can't be much more of a help.
Again, I'm a poetry n00b. =D

-Shear

Wow! I really enjoyed this! some of the lines didn't quite make sense and maybe it could've been structured a bit differently, but overall i liked the idea. The title was awesome too!

SilentRain wrote:You probably don’t remember me,
but I remember you. So far, these lines seem to be unneeded. You may want to take them out.
I was your best friend; This would make for a better beginning because this is where your story really seems to begin.
The one you looked to
when you were sad
The one you talked to
when you felt alone.
I followed you everywhere,
saw your every smile
and your every tear.

I was the flower you picked
that made you so happy.
The funky nail polish,
you used to love to wear.
I was everything to you,
and your still everything to me. You're, not your. So far, you're not really moving, you're stuck on the remeberance. As it would seem. You may want to remove most of the above stanza. Since this stanza better shows it. Like instead of just boringly saying I was your best friend, you said that I was the flower you picked that made you so happy. And the best friend thing can be incorperated into a piece of the poem, if need be.

You soon forgot me,
moved on to better things.
I guess I was never enough,
I was a glass empty of water. The set up here isn't working too well. You're pretty much listing this, it doesn't flow too well and these lines kinda mirror eachother.I'd say to rewrite this stanza and try to keep that glass idea.
Reason for this is that we can see how you and the other person interact with the above stanza and then this is how you are later effected. Which is what I want to you to try and keep.

I’m still with you,
and I always will be.
Just like the little scars
all little kids get.

I was there for your first kiss; This doesn't connect to what is above. You went from A to B and then back to A.
for your first school dance.
I was with you when you got your braces,
and when they got removed. Okay, I can understand the kiss, but braces? You're dragging this out too much. You're listing too many things. It makes your poem boring. Try to only hit major points.
I was there when your first love
broke your fragile heart
and when another came along
and helped you stitch the wound.

I was there for everything, Drop for everything, you've clearly gone over everything.
whether you saw me or not.
I was there and always will be. You'll always be there in that past? Is that what you mean? I don't think so, so you may want to rephrase that.
I’ll be with you even when
you're nothing but a wax doll in a box.
You may have forgotten me
but I will never forget you;
never leave you. Alright, the repition is annoying, but I can almost see why it's needed. You have a lot of filler, like the braces mentioning. Things that don't really need to be said; minor points. Without them, I don't think that we would constently need to be reminded of this shadowy aspect.

I will still be here
when you need a friend,
or someone to talk to.
I’ll be there,
right behind you; beside you,
or even in front of you.
No matter where I stand
I’ll be with you.

Sincerely, your Shadow.

Over all:
I like the idea of this being a letter. But I think it needs work along the lines of your major points, what you need to say to get your ideas across.

All ideas here are valid and fit togeather, which is good. But some of them are not needed. It's too much.
You should try thinking of what needs to be said, what has the most meaning and how can you best build on it.

Now, I know that I've been talking down about the braces example, but I want to shed a different light on it, right now.
It is good in the way that you can build on it, saying like: I was there when you found a new smile, like a solar eclipse, the corona that is your teeth against the black of your braces. And then you can go into how that smile works with the happiness emotion and how the shadow plays into that.

Also, the reason why I said the braces was unneeded is because you mentioned major things, like first dance, first kiss. Death. First break up. Those are all major events in our lives and braces doesn't really rank up there with them, atleast not to me.

You can keep the braces and go with other low key things, like glasses too. First day of school. College, whatever.
Those will also imply that the shadow was there for the major events, because if you are there for the little things, ofcourse you're there for the major things.

With what I said before about making all of your ideas needed and fitting togeather in all aspects, not just relating and backing up what your main idea.
You have many examples, but you should only use the BEST. I said before what could be a sign of a better example to use.

Once you've widdled this down to it's best ideas, I'd like to take another look at this and go into imagery and other things.

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.