Young Writers Society

Hi everyone this is the start of a story I am writing for a contest against some of my friends, so reviews would help me win and get the grand prize of ten bucks and pride. Be as harsh as you want.

A cold wind blew in through the open window, waking me. Not that it was a real window, it was a hole in the wall with bars in it. I lay there for a few more minutes, letting the cold breeze touch my face. It was nice, relaxing, almost as if I was in the woods. I could almost imagine I was free from this jail cell, out in the wild with Hunter. Maybe we would be going on another scheme; robbing a store, breaking into the bank, it’s all for fun, of course. We don’t need beer or money, Not that I liked either, beer tastes like guys sweat. Well, at least I imagined it did, I never wanted to find out. It’s just so much fun making the whole town freak out, thinking that they aren’t safe. That they needed a hero. And who shows up, but the incredible Shadowfly. Yup, that's me, every other scheme. We switch being superhero and villain. My favorite turn was villain was when I got to pretend to steal a valuable painting from the small art museum in our town. It was hilarious seeing the confused and scared police forces’ faces. They didn’t know how to attack me without the painting being destroyed, and then came Shadowfly, our towns new hero. Stronger than strong, faster than fast, better than the best. Also known as Hunter Gordon and Shira Partridge, local A+ average juniors from Matherson High School. Or, at least he is. Now I’m a juvenile delinquent, stuck in this smelly jail cell, but I'll explain that later.

Before we thought of Shadowfly, Hunter and I had pretty boring lives. Sure, we were the smartest kids in high school, the two geniuses. We took IQ test last year, he got 129 and I got 125. I’m proud though, he’s more of a logical thinker, which is what the test looks for, and I’m more personal. I think of how people react, I know what they’ll say next, it’s also called being a smart ass. I guess that talent of mine is why we started to have fun at night. At first we’d just walk in the woods, hang out, but then we thought of other things to do. We’d spend days studying plans on how to get into restricted areas in town, into stores. Let’s just say planning is Hunter’s middle name. He loved it. I’d chose where would invoke the most excitement, and he’d plan how to get in there without getting caught. Soon that wasn’t enough for us though. We needed something bigger, something like a criminal. So one day after school, I passed a halloween store selling a rat mask. Next to it was a long, dark cloak and a pair of butterfly wings. I looked at them a while, thinking. What if we created a superhero? But, for a superhero, we need a criminal. How about, Shadowfly and The Rat? I ran the rest of the way to our meeting place; a old treehouse from when we were kids. Hunter was there, waiting. Out of breath, I explained my idea that we could be a super villain and hero. At first he was skeptical, but grew to love the idea. The planning, cunningness, risk, that this plan would use was exactly what he loved.

Two weeks after I explained my idea, we were ready for our first subterfuge. I would be villain first, while Hunter swooped in to defeat me. We decided the Navel air base in town would be the best place to start. They had planes, plans, and people to kill; we wouldn’t kill anyone of course, but people would be questioning what The Rat was doing, what he wanted. The evil Rat could be anything from a serial killer to a foreign spy. We had planned our endeavor perfectly. Hunter had studied work schedules and maps and had planned our attack flawlessly. I was so excited, but still nervous. This was 10 times bigger than our last scheme, and ten times more dangerous. I hadn’t been able to focus in school that day, not even Lizzie Marshall, the “ queen” of the school telling me there was dirt on my face made me focus. I would usually have a comeback, but I didn’t. I was too busy focusing on gymnastic moves and perfect timing I would be using that night. Lizzie had followed me the rest of that school day, trying to bother me. What was with her? I finally told her to can it and leave me the **** alone, which she did.

Adrenaline pulsed though my veins as I put on the mask. Hunter’s smiling face was the last thing I saw before I became The Rat. We had gone through every procedure to be protected; I was wearing contacts to conceal my bright blue eye's and had my auburn hair completely covered by the mask. I was wearing pads in my shoes to appear taller, and pads in my clothes to appear more muscular. I needed to wear these so that when Hunter was The Rat he’d look the same. No one would believe that The rat would suddenly transform from a thin girl to a muscular boy. Good thing I had almost no cleavage. As I approached the Navel Air Base, I started getting excited. this was easy, just a more fun version of our earlier adventures. I climbed the telephone pole until I was high enough to jump over the fence. With the softest thud, I landed perfectly. I snuck around to a pre chosen door and waited. In approximately 14 minutes, a janitor would come out after a night on the job. Waiting, I thought back to my empty bed at home. I was too old for my parents to check on me anymore, but maybe tonight they would. They’d see the back of a wig on a white ballon and pillows under my covers. And they’d think it was me. Maybe Mom would kiss me on the cheek, like she did when I was little. Not likely, she never did anything to show love towards me. The last time she hugged me was my birthday, two years ago. . . The door banged open suddenly, waking me from my reverie. The janitor turned away from me and walked away. I smirked. Oh how he’d freak out in the morning knowing he let me in, threatening the governments security. As I walked down the dark halls, the adrenaline faded. That’s it? No challenges? Yeah, sure there were the surveillance cameras, but it was easier than pie to weave through their blind spots. Finally, I reached the room labeled FLIGHT PLANS. Letting the cameras catch part of me entering the room, I closed the door behind me and waited. Soon enough, two men crashed through the door. I stuck my foot out, tripping them. Grabbing a conveniently placed rope, I jumped on them and tied them together. They kicked and fought, but in the end, me, a 17 year old girl was stronger than two 30 year old men. Not that anyone could see it, but I was smiling. I banged open the door dramatically for the cameras and threw the men out. I closed the door and took my phone out of my pocket. I dialed Hunter’s number. He didn’t answer, but we had decided that would be safer. I hung up, knowing he would be coming in about ten minutes to “save the day”.

Hello there!

Here as requested. Corrections in RED.

That they needed a hero.

Yup, that's me, every other scheme.

Now I’m a juvenile delinquent.

Hunter and I had pretty boring lives.

and I’m more personal.

This was easy, just a more fun version of our earlier adventures.

In approximately 14 minutes, a janitor would come out after a night on the job.

It'd be better if you'd spell out number 14.

a 17 year old girl was stronger than two 30 year old men.

~

First of all, I really think this has potential. I feel that the concept of this story is like "The Kick-ass movie", not that the two plots are the same, it's just the concept. You know, two teenagers who are smart and shares the same passion for superheroes because they want their lives to be more exciting and adventurous. But anyway, you have written this one pretty well.

Grammatically speaking, I've only noticed some few blunders, like some letters should be in uppercase- like "I" for example, and the first letter of sentences. Don't worry though, they're just some common mistakes but if I were you, I would reread the story or proofread it. Personally, how you narrate the story is some kind of simple and a tad bland. Not that it's a very bad thing, it's just that it doesn't seem realistic. You should add some dialogs, though I know the story's set on the first POV. But it's because I feel like your character is just reporting about his past and his best friend. Let us know how he got into the jail. And I was surprised to know that your main character's a girl. Maybe try to give out some of her physical features, because from the first few parts, she seemed to talk like a boy. Or you can just let her speak a little more feminine.

As for the pace, I think it's all good. Your spelling's fine and punctuations' okay. But just like what I've said earlier be aware of your apostrophes, I's, and many more others. I don't really have much thing to say since this is just the first chapter, so judging the whole piece wouldn't be appropriate.

All in all, I thank you for the good read. I know you've got much more up to your sleeve in terms of potential. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri

ROADY! (haha I just gave you that weird nickname. so sorry, I'm not good with nicknames. =)) ) I'm here again! And thanks for the request! I'm excited to review for you!

Here it goes! =))

COMMENTS AND NITPICKS

Yurii had reviewed this and I positive that she had been telling you a lot of lovely tips which I have no time to read now, and I'm oh so very sorry if I repeat some of the things she had already said. Anyway, pinkish are nitpicks, purplish are comments and means "HEYA! pay attention here now"...=)) and green? Well, green means "I think it's better this way"/"this is a suggestion"... =))

>>

Maybe we would be going on another scheme; robbing a store, breaking into the bank, it was all for fun, of course. We didn't need beer or money, not that I liked either. Beer tasted like guys' sweat.

Well, at least I imagined it did, and I never had wanted to find out.

It was just so much fun making the whole town freak out, thinking that they weren't safe. That they had needed a hero. And who showed up but the incredible...

Yup, that was me, every other scheme.

We had switched being superhero and villain.

My favorite turn as a villain was when I had pretended to steal a valuable painting from the small art museum in our town.

I'm not sure about the term "turn". Maybe find another word for that.

AND WHEN WE CAME TO THIS PART:

It was hilarious seeing the confused and scared police forces’ faces. They didn’t know how to attack me without the painting being destroyed, and then came Shadowfly, our towns new hero. Stronger than strong, faster than fast, better than the best. Also known as Hunter Gordon and Shira Partridge, local A+ average juniors from Matherson High School. Or, at least he is. Now I’m a juvenile delinquent, stuck in this smelly jail cell, but I'll explain that later.

I KNEW THEN! THAT THIS STORY WOULD BE BETTER TOLD IN PRESENT TENSE...ugh. LOL So, I'll just repost your story with all the nitpicks in another post, okay? It's up to you if you would want it. =)))

I really liked your story It was very interesting. I hope you won.

Road! May I please request something before I continue my review? Can you please post it whole? I read that this is only the start. May I please read it whole so I can review properly? Thank yoooou.. =))

I'm not finished, but i'll post what I have later.

it's later. ( I haven't had a chance to fix the errors from the reviews, so it's bad)

A cold wind blew in through the open window, waking me. Not that it was a real window, it was a hole in the wall with bars in it. I lay there for a few more minutes, letting the cold breeze touch my face. It was nice, relaxing, almost as if I was in the woods. I could almost imagine I was free from this jail cell, out in the wild with my best guy friend, Hunter. Not Boyfriend, I didn’t “like him” like that. Maybe we would be going on another scheme; robbing a store, breaking into the bank, it’s all for fun, of course. We don’t need beer or money, in fact, I’ve never had, and never want to have beer. It’s just so much fun making the whole town freak out, thinking that they aren’t safe. That they needed a hero. And who shows up, but the incredible Shadowfly. Yup, thats me, every other scheme. We switch being superhero and villain. My favorite time as villain was when I got to pretend to steal a valuable painting from the small art museum in our town. It was hilarious seeing the confused and scared police forces’ faces. They didn’t know how to attack me without the painting being destroyed, and then came Shadowfly, our towns new hero. Stronger than strong, faster than fast, better than the best. Also known as Hunter Gordon and Shira Partridge, local A+ average juniors from Matherson High School. Or, at least he is. Now i’m a juvenile delinquent.

Before we thought of Shadowfly, Hunter and me had pretty boring lives. Sure, we were the smartest kids in high school, the two geniuses. We took IQ test last year, he got 129 and I got 125. I’m proud though, he’s more of a logical thinker, which is what the test looks for, and i’m more personal. I think of how people react, I know what they’ll say next, it’s also called being a smart ass. I guess that talent of mine is why we started to have fun at night. At first we’d just walk in the woods, hang out, but then we thought of other things to do. We’d spend days studying plans on how to get into restricted areas in town, into stores. Let’s just say planning is Hunter’s middle name. He loved it. I’d chose where would invoke the most excitement, and he’d plan how to get in there without getting caught. Soon that wasn’t enough for us though. We needed something bigger, something like a criminal. So one day after school, I passed a halloween store selling a rat mask. Next to it was a long, dark cloak and a pair of butterfly wings. I looked at them a while, thinking. What if we created a superhero? But, for a superhero, we need a criminal. How about, Shadowfly and The Rat? I ran the rest of the way to our meeting place; a old treehouse from when we were kids. Hunter was there, waiting. Out of breath, I explained my idea that we could be a super villain and hero. At first he was skeptical, but grew to love the idea. The planning, cunningness, risk, that this plan would use was exactly what he loved.

Two weeks after I explained my idea, we were ready for our first subterfuge. I would be villain first, while hunter swooped in to defeat me. We decided the Navel air base in town would be the best place to start. They had planes, plans, and people to kill; we wouldn’t kill anyone of corse, but people would be questioning what The Rat was doing, what he wanted. The evil Rat could be anything from a serial killer to a russian spy. We had planned our endeavor perfectly. Hunter had studied schedules and planned our attack perfectly. I was so excited, but still nervous. This was 10 times bigger than our last scheme, and ten times more dangerous. I hadn’t been able to focus in school that day, not even my encounter with Lizzie Marshalls, the “ queen” of our school. As I was thinking about our scheme tonight, She walked up to me, looking irritated.
“ Why don’t you quit staring at me?” She said.
“ I’m not staring at you, why would I?”
She raised one thin styled eyebrow and narrowed her sickly green eyes. “ Maybe because you wish you were me, instead of stringy haired, ugly little Shira, the weird nerd.”
Now this got to me. I may be a genius, but that didn’t make me a nerd. Even if I was a nerd, that shouldn’t make her someone I wanted to be. “ I wouldn’t want to be you, Lizzie. Your life is years of letting down your parents with substandard grades, gossiping about things that aren’t your business, and acting like a jerk by pretending everyone bow down to me.” The last thing I saw before I turned around and walked away was her eyes widening in shock, then narrowing in hatred. Oh well, who cared if she hated me?

Adrenaline pulsed though my veins as I put on the mask. Hunter’s smiling face was the last thing I saw before I became The Rat. We had gone through every procedure to be protected; I was wearing contacts to conceal my light blue eyesand had my longish auburn hair completely covered by the mask. I was wearing pads in my shoes to appear taller, and pads in my clothes to appear more muscular. I needed to wear these so that when Hunter was The Rat he’d look the same. As I approached the Navel Air Base, I started getting excited. this was easy, just a more fun version of our earlier adventures. I climbed the telephone pole until I was high enough to jump over the fence. With the softest thud, I landed perfectly. I snuck around to a pre chosen door and waited. In approximately 14 minutes, a janitor would come out after a night on the job. Waiting, I thought back to my empty bed at home. I was too old for my parents to check on me anymore, but maybe tonight they would. They’d see the back of a wig on a white ballon and pillows under my covers. And they’d think it was me. Maybe Mom would kiss me on the cheek, like she did when I was little. Not likely, she never did anything to show love towards me. The last time she hugged me was my birthday, two years ago. . . The door banged open suddenly, waking me from my reverie. The janitor turned away from me and walked away. I smirked. Oh how he’d freak out in the morning knowing he let me in, threatening the governments security. As I walked down the dark halls, the adrenaline faded. That’s it? No challenges? Yeah, sure there were the surveillance cameras, but it was easier than pie to weave through their blind spots. Finally, I reached the room labeled FLIGHT PLANS. I let the cameras catch part of me entering the room. I closed the door behind me and waited. Soon enough, two men crashed through the door. I stuck my foot out, tripping them. Grabbing a conveniently placed rope, I jumped on them and tied them together. They kicked and fought, but in the end, me, a 17 year old girl was stronger then two 30 year old men. Not that anyone could se it, but I was smiling. I banged open the door dramatically for the cameras and threw the men out. I closed the door and took my phone out of my pocket. I dialed Hunter’s number. He didn’t answer, but we had decided that would be safer. I hung up, knowing he would be coming in about ten minutes to “save the day”.

I counted down. 3, 2, 1. I started running out the door holding a piece of paper and a key. The key was to a toy child’s car and the paper was blank, but they would do in attracting attention. I crashed out of the building onto the field outside. Sirens started sounding and people were appearing. They all had guns, put didn’t shoot just yet. And they wouldn’t. the other night I had hacked their computer systems and programmed all the guns to only fire at lady gaga’s voice command.

“ Put your hands up or we will be permitted to shoot!” One security guard yelled. I smiled. That was just what I wanted to hear. I dropped the paper and key’s and put my hands up. As I reached over my head I grabbed a knife out of my collar. With my hands still going up, I threw it at the guard. that was the crucial part. To high, and it fails completely. To perfect, and I kill him. But it worked fine, the knife blew right over his shoulder. “ ARRG!” he cried, spinning around. Other’s around him tried to shoot at me, but there guns wouldn’t work, of course. I ran towards the closest person and clamped my hand around there neck. I made sure to keep my grip light enough not to hurt him, but strong enough to scare him. Seeing the fear in his eyes almost made me let go, but the sudden yell from behind me reminded me none of this was real. I turned to see Hunter in the white mask we had chosen and a long black cloak jump down from a telephone pole.

“ Have no fear citizens! I, Shadowfly, will save you!” I almost laughed. It sounded so silly, but that was kind of the point. He ran and dramatically cartwheeled towards me. He punched me in my padded stomach and I pretended to hunch over in pain. He grabbed me and shoved me backwards. As I fell in “defeat”, he grabbed me and dragged me away, to finish me off.

“ Good job, Hunter! You were hilarious!” I said to him as we reached my house.

“ Ha, you too! that grunt when I punched you was so stereotypical!” He laughed. “ Well, see you tomorrow. Maybe we’ll be in the paper!”

We were, in fact, in the paper. Our article was titled, NEW THREAT TO MATHERSON?, and concluded that there was a mastermind criminal possibly loose and a wannabe superhero. Well, the villain was good, but we’d have to work on Shadowfly’s image. That night we started planning our next endeavor, a public appearance. Hunter would be The Rat this time while I was Shadowfly. Hunter would take a women hostage in town center and I would jump off the roof, save the women, and disappear fighting The Rat.

Th story of the new hero in town spread rapidly throughout the school. As I walked into lunch, I heard two girls talking about it, Lizzie Marshall and her little deputy, Cora Kingsley. Cora was reporting the rumors she had heard that day. “ I heard Painter telling Thomas that he was going to ask out Jess.”

“ Omg, Jess?”

“ I know,” I had stopped listening to this, I didn’t care if Bobby was dating Mandy or someone broke up with this person, it was all so pointless. I had droned out her mindless babble when one word caught my attention. Shadowfly.

“ Apparently Shadowfly is a girl,” Lizzie said. They must have been getting to the end of there gossip session to be talking about something of importance. “ I don’t think that it is though, that one time they really sounded like a guy. Do you think that they really are special? I mean like superpowers.”

Cora looked desperate as she tried to think of an answer that wasn’t “lame”. “ Umm, well, I think he’s really good at fighting, and stuff, and I heard that he could fly,” she paused, thinking. “ That could be why he’s called Shadowfly.”

“ Well, something’s weird about that guy, and I want to know what.” She narrowed her eyes, flipped her hair, and walked into the lunch room.