“Never say I love you, if you don't really care- Never talk about feelings if they aren't really there- Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart- Never say you're going to if you don't plan to start- Never look me in the eye if all you do is lie- Never say hello if you really mean goodbye.” ~Unknown
~~~
The blistering cold pinched my cheeks and bit my nose. I needed to talk to someone, to spill all the details and get some help. That person was Olivia. My hand dug into my pockets and I pulled out my cell phone. My feet continued down the empty sidewalk, making their way to whatever place.
The phone rang three times before Olivia finally picked up.
“Hello?”
“Olivia,” I whispered. The previously dried tears were making their way back to my eyes and it took every ounce of strength to keep my voice from shaking. “I need to talk to you.”
“Um, okay. What is it?” she asked.
“Can you meet me, at the park?” There was no way I could pour myself out on a phone. Her comfort and warm hands were the things I needed.
“Like, right now?”
“Yes,” I said.
There was a pause. “Liliah, are you okay?”
“Can you meet me?” I asked, ignoring her question.
“Yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes,” she replied.
My hands burrowed into the pockets of my sweater to keep warm. When I reached the soundless park, I sat on the swing and watched the emptiness. No one would be out on this cold day. The wind echoed in my ears as the rusted chains moaned with every movement. A few minutes later, a red car parked in front and Olivia came out. The sound of the door shutting made me realize how much of a hurry she was in, rushing over to me in her pajamas which consisted of sweat pants and a pink sweater.
“Liliah.” She instantly pulled herself down on the swing next to me and gripped the chains. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I...I have to tell you something,” I muttered, not sure of where to start.
“What is it?”
“It’s about Luke.”
“I kind of figured that much,” she answered. “Tell me what he did this time.”
“We kissed.”
She let out a gasp and said nothing for a moment, taking in the shock. Her finger brushed through her blond locks and she smiled. “Seriously?” A laugh escaped her lips and I turned to face her, wondering why she would do that. “I knew there was something going on between you two. Only a matter of time until something actually happened.”
“But he’s my brother! I didn’t even…he kissed me first and Mom, she can’t know about this!” I retorted.
“You guys aren’t even blood related.” Olivia simply shrugged. “What did you say to him?”
I told her everything. How I had been ignoring him and his attempts to speak to me. I told her of our fight in the kitchen she glared at me, like I was the one in the wrong.
“You actually said that to him?” Her jaw dropped. “Called him selfish?”
“I didn’t mean to…the words just came out. Besides, he’s being unreasonable,” I said. Though, the words tasted like salt as they came out of my mouth. Basically, behind my words, I told Luke he should be grateful for all we’ve done. Like we owned him, like he was a dog we picked off the streets. I gulped thinking of how horrible I sounded in that moment.
“I get that you don’t want to hurt your mom, I get it that you think it’s a big sin or whatever. But you definitely went overboard with the whole selfish thing. That was mean and he has feelings for you. That’s harsh, Liliah.” She began to swing slowly. “I think you should apologize.”
I bit my lip. She was right. I said some harsh things and even went far enough to scrap the edges of his dark wounds.
“Thanks Olivia. I’m gonna go talk to him or something…we can figure it all out then,” I said, getting off the seat. Massaging my temples, I tried to think of how to even begin. This entire problem was a spider web and I didn’t have the slightest idea at which end to start at.
Olivia got up and wound her arms around me. Her hug pulled me in and it was weird how much I loved her hugs. Every time we embraced, it felt like hugging a marshmallow or a cloud.
“Hmm, let me know what happens,” she said.
“Kay,” I replied with a nod.
~~~
When I returned home, the house was quite. The lights were on but I didn’t hear a single sound.
“Luke,” I called silently at first. Perking my head right and left around the living room, I decided he wasn’t downstairs.
My knuckles tapped his wooden door upstairs but I received no answer. Of course he wouldn’t want to see me or talk to me after all that I had said.
“Luke, let’s talk. I’m sorry about what I said,” I replied. After knocking on the door twice, I gave up and twisted the doorknob. Forcing my way in, I looked at his once clean and tidy room become a whirlpool of disaster. Things were sprawled out everywhere, books opened, and papers lie on the floor as if someone threw them up and let them land in whatever place.
It took me a minute to take it all in. Luke was a clean person, he liked things in order and never once had I witnessed his room in a mess. But there was something wrong with this scene, not just the untidiness but there were things missing.
My heart leaped, accelerating into a fast beat as I swung open his closet. Gone, all this clothes, his possessions, books and whatever else he had were all gone. My hands frantically tried to look for a piece of him, something like a forgotten shirt but there was nothing. Without a moment to spare, I wrenched open his drawers only to find specks of dust.
“No…No…”
Whipping around, I made it back downstairs, hoping he’d be in the kitchen. Perhaps he was waiting for me with his bags in a last attempt at some type of truce. But to my disappointment, the kitchen was unoccupied. I spun in a circle, thinking and cursing to myself. He packed his things, all his things and just left? My hands patted the fridge, searching for at least a note but the scrambled alphabet and picture magnets said nothing.
My fingers began to shake and I was drowning in denial. He wouldn’t do something so stupid and he couldn’t just leave like that. I cocked a head, noticing a sprawl of albums on the living room coffee table. I hadn’t noticed them before.
Making my way towards the clutter, I felt my heart stammer inside my chest. Every picture we had taken of Luke had been torn out of the plastic. Feverishly, I turned every page of the album, searching for him and any single picture he might have left behind but there were none. With a burst of anger, I shoved the thick album to the floor. The pictures fell with a thud that sounded like a crumpling building in the noiseless room. Curses hissed their way out of my gritted teeth as I leaned back.
What if he was still around?
Without allowing myself a second thought, I pushed myself off the leather couch and made my way towards the backyard. The cool breeze echoed, whistling in my ears as I straightened my hair. The lawn was empty, nice, and clean and cut, just as Luke had left it. My bare foot touched the chilly grass. Beneath, they felt like tiny little knives ticking my sensitive skin. The sky was gray, with thunder clouds crawling their way in and from the horizon, flocks of birds exploded, chirping like the sound of many bells. They flew in a circular motion then disappeared.
I rounded the house, my attention at the highest peak. I kept thinking he was around somewhere. That he couldn’t have just run off without saying something. He wasn’t that type of guy. He wouldn’t hurt Mom like that, or me.
But the more I continued to think of the things he was incapable of doing, the more they became real. Once I made it back to the front yard, a silver Honda was parked in the driveway. The driver side door flew open and Mom stepped out holding a few grocery bags.
“Sweetheart, you want to help me with these groceries?” she asked, handing me a bag. It weighed possibly a ton and my muscles ached under the load.
“Mom…” I wanted to tell her, but at the same time the fear that her reaction wouldn’t be a clean one made me halt.
We made our way towards the kitchen and set the overstuffed bags on the table. Mom’s eyes perked up, scanning the room behind me.
“Where’s Lucas?” she asked. “Tell him to come help us with dinner, I was thinking since I came home early today, we could prepare something big.”
I swallowed. My fingers were tickling and a nervous sweat broke loose on my forehead.
She was about to turn around but she caught it, the uneasiness inside of me. The fear, the hurt, the sadness, the confusion…she caught it and her loving eyes dove into mine as she faced me with pressed lips.
“Liliah, what’s wrong?” She asked, leaning towards me. “Did something happen? Why are you so pale? Do you feel sick? If you feel sick, I can give Dr. Evans a call and he could check you up in a second,” she said.
“Luke,” I choked. The funny thing was I hadn’t spilt a tear since I came home but now they were bubbling at the corner of my eyes. Waiting for the right tick and then all hell would break loose and I’d cry like no tomorrow. I clenched my jaw, forcing down the lump in my throat.
“What about Luke?” she asked, raising a brow.
“He’s not here,” I whispered.
“Then where is he?”
“I don’t…I don’t know,” I said.
“When is he coming back?”
Sucking in a breath, I forced myself to look away. “I don’t know.” Fingers clasped my hand and I shoot a teary look at my Mother. Her brows were tight, and she dared me to say nothing.
“Liliah…what’s going on?”
With my lips twisting and the sudden leakage from my eyes I let out a tiny cry. “He’s gone, all his things are gone, he took the pictures, and he took everything! I don’t know…I don’t know where he is. There’s no note but...I, it’s my fault, Mom. I said some mean things but I didn’t mean them. He just didn’t understand how much I loved you. I couldn’t love him like that, Mom. Those things, they were out of a moment of hatred. He took them too seriously and when I came home, he was gone, Mom. Everything is gone,” I sobbed, falling into her chest. I begged for forgiveness while at the same time, wanted her to slap me for my mistake for causing her grief.
“When do you think he left?” she asked, keeping a calm voice.
I sniffed into her sweater and shrugged. “He was here in the afternoon, we fought and I went outside to talk to Olivia. I was gone for an hour maybe…I rushed right back to apologize but when I got back, he wasn’t here. His room is empty, all his clothes, his backpack and his pictures are gone.”
“He couldn’t have gotten far.” She separated us with a gentle push. A chill ran down my spine as her grip on my shoulder hardened. “Liliah, I want to call everyone that Luke knows, see if he went to a friend’s house to cool off or something. I’ll go grab my coat and run a few laps around the neighborhood.”
Wiping my wet cheeks with the back of my hand, I nodded. She quickly went to her room to fetch her coat and an umbrella. Snatching the phone, I dialed Olivia’s number, but before I could hit the call button, I heard a curse from Mom’s room.
“Mom, what is it?” I asked.
She was on her knees, next to her bed. The drawer where she kept all her important documents was open. Her hands searched through the mess of papers, a frantic look in her eyes and she muttered something incomprehensible.
“Mom,” I called again.
“He took them,” she muttered, resting her hands on the edge of the drawer.
“What’s gone?”
“His papers, all of them. Social security, birth certificate, they’re gone,” she replied. I bit my lip, not knowing what else to say but the hammering inside my chest didn’t quiet down. “I have to find him, right now,” she said. Mom stood up and grabbed her coat and keys. I trailed behind her, like a little duckling until she stopped me by the front door. A finger lifted towards me. “Don’t forget to call and call me if you find out anything.”
“Yes, Mom.”
“Jesus Christ.” She muttered before slamming the door. Outside, the engine snarled and tires burned against the floor as a flash of lights moved across the living room from the large windows.
The phone was still in my hand as I sat down on the couch. My thumb punched in Olivia’s numbers quickly and I held the phone to my ear.
“Hello?” Olivia answered. “Liliah, what’s up? Did you talk to Luke?”
“Olivia, Luke’s missing,” I said, swallowing the eruption of guilt and tears which were trying to force their way out.
“Oh my god, what happened?”
“I came home and he was gone. He took everything even his papers and now…Mom just went to check the neighborhood.”
“Aren’t you going to call the cops?” she asked.
I shifted in my seat. “I don’t know. Mom didn’t say anything. If we can’t figure out where he is, then yeah, I guess.” A crack of thunder made me jump and I looked out the rectangular window. Violent rain began to pour and slap our windows silly. My palms wiped the tears on my cheeks.
“It’s raining…” I replied.
“I hope he’s okay,” Olivia murmured.
“Yeah…me too.” I tried hard to not worry. That maybe everything would work out and we’d all be fine. I used to think that I was invincible. That I was untouchable, but when my Father passed away I knew that was impossible. Bad things could happen to anyone and you didn’t have control over the universe. With that realization I had no idea how this would turn out.
A flash of lightning scattered my senses. With a sigh, I leaned back against the couch, rubbing my neck.
Back during that time, where I sat on the couch waiting for Luke and my Mother, I thought about a lot of things. What exactly did I feel towards Luke? Could it be labeled as love? Or was I mistaking my own sisterly love for romance?
Luke was a rollercoaster. He made me happy until I felt like his smile was the only light. He could make me sad, cry and drown in my own river of tears. He annoyed me, scared me, yet I liked him like no other. Sitting there on the couch, watching as he slowly pulled our once peaceful life apart with tweezers, I couldn’t help but feel robbed.
Why did he do this? What was to gain from running away? He was losing an education, a family, a life, a home…Why was he being so stubborn?
I stayed on the phone for the next couple hours. Olivia didn’t leave my side. Every now and then she’s say something like, “It’s alright. It’ll be fine. You’ll find him or he’ll come home.” I wanted to believe in those words but it was impossible. Luke didn’t make decisions without thinking about them. If he wanted to runaway, he knew how to execute everything correctly.
The sound of the front door unlocking made me jump on my heels. I quickly said bye to Olivia and turned off the phone. Mom came in, by herself. Setting the umbrella on the ground, she then proceeded to slip of her coat with a frown.
“You didn’t find him?” I asked.
“No,” she said. Walking over, she joined me and we both sat on the long couch together.
“What are we going to do now? Should we call the police? File some reports? Do you think he’ll come back?” I edged closer and tried to find some sort of answer but Mom was just empty. Her attention sat still on the albums that lay on the coffee table.
After a brief moment she replied. “Let’s wait until morning. If he doesn’t show up then, we’ll call the police.” Then she turned to me. “Liliah, what did you say to him that would make him leave? I knew you two quarreled every now and then but I didn’t think it was this serious. What did you say?”
What would I tell her? That Luke and I held some indistinct feelings for each other? I couldn’t accept him and I did it so I wouldn’t break Mom’s heart. I wanted to help her with this and create a picture perfect family which she desired but I failed.
I didn’t answer her question and she let out a sigh, rubbing her head. She looked angry at me, disappointed even and it made my insides twist.
“Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning,” she said. Lifting herself off the couch, she made it to her room and I heard the door shut, the sound made me bite my lip.
Alone in the accepting stillness of the living room, I began to weep as silently as I could. Luke…I hated him. Because he decided to so foolishly leave us, Mom would become sour towards me. She’d think it was my fault, which it was, but in my defense I was going to apologize for my moment of cruelty. The worst part about it was that I couldn’t tell her the truth.
~~~
That next morning, we waited until the afternoon before calling the police and getting them involved. Since Luke was eighteen, Mom couldn’t report him as a runaway but she could file him as a missing person. However, if the police did find him and if Luke refused to return home then there was nothing we could do.
Even so, Mom didn’t report him missing because she knew he left on his own will. The police did look for him but gave up after a few weeks of failure. They had no leads.
And slowly, just as Luke intended, he faded away. Mom and I went back to our lives. It wasn’t the same, we smiled less often and never did we bring up his name. He was now like my Father. A person who engraved himself into our hearts then left us with nothing but sorrow, a sadness in which we were too afraid to confront. Therefore, they were buried in hopes that we would forget.
But I knew all too well that this scar would never vanish. I kindled the pain and the desire to hate him and curse him for leaving us. What would happen if we were to cross paths one day? I would not be so gentle the next time…
_________________________________________________
Join the official Taboo page for updates!
So here I go again xD.
Gender:
Points: 44887
Reviews: 816