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Kiss Of Death: Chapter One



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Fri Oct 22, 2010 5:26 pm
Tigersprite says...



Chapter One

The gods are mysterious, Ma often said. Then she said it ever more often, especially after the Holy Men first came.

She started saying it when I was barely more than a babe, after I fell into the Amasa pool during the Wishing Ceremony, after I came out with my brown eyes two different shades of green and I started seeing those spirits and other fantastical creatures that only witches said they saw. She said it again when I was ten, and I began to have the Dreams. Not normal dreams, the sort you have when you fall into a sleep, but ones where I would be awake and then everything would switch off and then I’d be in another world. The neighbours said it too, after I told them about the one where there was a skeleton in the water and then Farmer Daz’ youngest drowned in the lake. Then everyone came to me when they were feeling jumpy and superstitious about something, and when they needed someone to interpret their dreams.

It was four years later that the Holy Men came, in the mid of Winter too. It was Zayra who first saw them, in her dreams. She told me about it the morning before they came, how she was atop a snow-capped hill and ownerless footprints came to her and a voice said, ‘Open the door.’ They said that too, instead of knocking, and I did. I knew who they were without needing to see them. They were the Holy Men, the ones who lived in and cared for Imra, the gods’ mountain haven for when they came down from the sky as humans. They wanted me to come and stay with them, for I was a great prophetess they said, and they needed one of those, they said. But Da wasn’t sure, I remember him getting angry and then they went away. But the next morn Zayra told me she had the dream again, and I knew they would be back next Winter. And I knew I would be going with them.

I spent much of the remaining time fantasizing about life so far away in Imra, and with Zayra too. I remember her asking me if she could maybe come; she was the only one I had told about my decision. I told her maybe she could, for she was a demigod, do you know, the daughter of Aedos, god of fire. I had seen this too through a dream, where she danced with a fire-breathing salamander. She thought me mad, but when her father heard of our conversation he told us the truth, of how her deceased mother had met the god upon an eve. I worried about her after that. None else knew of her heritage, but if they did it could be potentially dangerous. Once upon a time, demigods were killed because the Holy Men believed they wished to usurp their parents. The custom had mostly died out, though every now and then it was not uncommon to hear of traditionalists going on a demigod-hunt. I remember telling her maybe, while watching a bird alight on a branch.

When they came next Winter, I had my things ready. Ma and Da hadn’t said a word to me since the previous night, when I had told them of my decision. None of my siblings came to my room either, except Lugaru, or Luga, as I called him. I didn’t even know he was around. He was two years older than me, and always getting into trouble for his thievery. He’d been hiding out in the mountains for about a week now, since Farmer Daz’ prize sheep had been stolen. And yet he was my favourite brother; like Zayra he treated me no differently despite my gifts.

He leaned in the doorway and said to me, ‘Still going, eh?’

I nodded.

‘How long will you stay?’

‘As long as they need me.’ There was a blue spirit sitting on his shoulder, I wondered if its influence was the reason for what he said next.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘…Pardon?’

‘I’m sorry. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have fallen into the Amasa.’ I smiled at him, shook my head.

‘It’s not your fault.’ It wasn’t. We had all three been there, I, Luga and Zayra. We’d been playing together by the water’s edge, opposite the older villagers who were still casting magic and praying fervently. I wasn’t careful, and I fell in. That was all.

But Luga only shook his head, though he didn’t verbally contest me. He looked out into the hall, and then back at me.

‘Ma and Da’ll be broken. First it was my hobbies (he always referred to his thieving as his ‘hobbies’), and now you’re leaving.’ I only smiled. I already knew Ma’s fate; I had seen it long ago. I used to cry when I was little, but I didn’t anymore. Life is Death. Death is Life.

‘You should hurry up and go, Luga. Daz’ sons have been searching for you.’ He smiled at me, and I decided that if he was to die whilst I was away, I would always remember him like that. The soft smile and cheek dimples accompanying it. The mad black hair that would not be tamed by Ma’s efforts, nearly brown in the sunlight streaming in. And the scar just behind his left ear, given to him by Zayra when we were still small.

‘Daz’ sons are all talk. You see them around now I’m here?’ He looked past me, at the world outside the window.

‘Why do those Holy Men want you again? Don’t they have enough prophetesses?’

I sighed. ‘The gods have rejected all their prophets for five years, Luga. They think that maybe the gods will not reject me, that they may find out the reason for their silence.’

‘And how can they tell that you are so special?’

‘They are Holy Men, Luga. They have their ways.’ He shook his head.

‘It’s all nonsense, in my opinion. Holy Men. Prophets. Anyway, good luck sister. Don’t forget to send messages.’ He seemed about to say something more, it was when the spirit disappeared that he finally spoke again.

‘If anything, anything at all, ever happens to you, find me. I don’t care for all the gods or Holy Men in the world; if they hurt you nothing will stop me.’ His face had turned whiter than normal; his eyes were black.

‘Calm down, Luga. Nothing will happen to me.’ He looked up at me. ‘Nothing will happen.’


#



Ma and Da said nothing as I walked outside into the snow. They stood at the door, but the only response to my wave was for Ma to return inside.

Zayra waited for me at the end of the road. I had asked her not to, but then she never listened to anyone. She’d been silent and withdrawn for the past few days, and she wasn’t any different now.

We walked in silence until we reached the hill. All the while, I’d noticed her struggling with something. Now she spoke.

‘Kata…’ I turned around. I was slightly ahead and so I looked back, I could see her playing with her fringe, pushing the silver hair back and then letting it fall down again.

‘Zayra?’

‘I…you’re not coming back, are you?’ I looked at her. She could just about pass as an elf, but she’d always looked different I suppose. Not quite elf, but not quite human. Her skin was not as white as the rest of ours, yet it wasn’t quite the fleshy pink of humans. She was older than me, the guardian Luga couldn’t be because he was never around, but now she looked weak and fragile. It was disconcerting.

‘I don’t know. I really don’t. Why?’

‘Because I, I…Kata I—‘ There was the crunching of boots on snow and we both looked up. A man in a hooded cloak was coming towards us from down the hill. By his white cloak and the belt of bells around his waist, I recognized a Holy Man. I bowed and so did Zayra.

The Holy Man stopped a few feet above me, and then he lowered his hood. He was human, and far younger than I expected, his light blonde hair was drawn back in a braid. But his eyes were old, they hid the secrets of the ages.

‘It is time, young one. Meet me at the hill’s summit.’ He replaced his hood, and began to walk back up the hill. Zayra stared after him, her gaze turned to me when I moved closer to her.

I hugged her. She was my friend; she would always be even if I didn’t return. She was slow to return the embrace, and when I began to draw away she pressed her cheek to mine. Her eyes were soft when she finally let me go, and then she withdrew something from her pocket. It was a locket, a silver star with my name inscribed.

‘I made it,’ she said, pressing it into my open palm. ‘It has magic inside. If you need me, just call my name.’

‘That’s all?’

‘That’s all.’ She smiled sadly, and then she turned her face away.

‘Goodbye Kata.’ Her voice cracked on the second note, and then she turned her back on me and began to walk down the hill, slowly. I watched her, and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. And then another.

I looked up, the Holy Man stood at the hill’s summit, his back to me. I looked at Zayra again. My past and my future.

Slowly, so slowly, I turned and began to ascend the hill.

The Holy Man did not talk at all as we went on our way. He was so silent, I was sometimes surprised to look to my left and see another there.

We were passing by the Forbidden Forest when he stopped and turned towards it. I didn’t notice he had stopped; I was talking to a yellow bat at my side. But then he vanished in a spout of green vapour, and I turned around.

‘We can’t go in there,’ I said to my silent companion. He turned to me.

‘There is a monster there. People who venture in, they don’t come back. They never come back.’ He still looked at me, and then a harsh wind blew and I had the feeling that we were not alone.


#



It was She. I could smell her, and I burned with the desire for her lifeblood. It had been so long. I didn’t think she would be one of the elf people. A human or magickind maybe, but not an elf.

But I could do nothing. I burned with desire and too with pain, for the Krusas’ presence was strong. But then I didn’t mind. I would wait. I had waited since and I would wait more. For I knew where the Krusas was taking her, to the Hallow Mountains. And though I knew I could not go there, could never go there, I knew when she would be back. And I would still be waiting.
Last edited by Tigersprite on Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:45 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Sat Oct 23, 2010 5:25 am
RacheDrache says...



So, whoa. This... is superb.

Your idea and concept is original, unique--the same extends to your characters and the setting. And your execution of the ideas, the characters, the setting, is... superb.

It's probably easiest to say that this blew me away, but that's not quite accurate. This piece isn't the reach-out-and-grab-you-and-pull-you-in-mercilessly sort. This is sort, rather, that lures you in. And if the promise set forth in this chapter fulfills itself... this is the sort of novel that you read, forget all time while you're reading, and emerge from in a daze.

I don't say any of this lightly. And don't let it go to your head, either. And it's possible that others will disagree with me. Perhaps they'll be right. But I've read a number of works by writers of all ages and experience levels in my years, and before I get onto the rest of my critique, I want you to know that this has outrageous amounts of potential, and that a lot of that potential is realized.

In fact, as I was reading, I could only come up with one "mistake," and that's some misformating with your dialogue in respect to the paragraphs. Something like:

‘I’m sorry. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have fallen into the Amasa.’ I smiled at him, shook my head.


should be two separate paragraphs. Out of context, a reader would think your main character was saying that, with the indirect tag at the end there belonging to her. General rule of thumb is that the subject character of a paragraph is also the speaker of any dialogue in that paragraph. I'd recommend doing the quoted section above like this:

"I’m sorry. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have fallen into the Amasa.’

I smiled at him, shook my head. ‘It’s not your fault.’

It wasn’t. We had all three been there, I, Luga and Zayra. We’d been playing together by the water’s edge, opposite the older villagers who were still casting magic and praying fervently. I wasn’t careful, and I fell in. That was all.


There are some other sections where common sense says one person is speaking, but formatting says the other, and clearing those up is always a good idea.

Also...

"Ma and Da’ll be broken. First it was my hobbies (he always referred to his thieving as his ‘hobbies’), and now you’re leaving.’ I only smiled. I already knew Ma’s fate; I had seen it long ago. I used to cry when I was little, but I didn’t anymore. Life is Death. Death is Life.


You'd probably want to format the parenthetical like:

"Ma and Da’ll be broken. First it was my hobbies--" he always referred to his thieving as his ‘hobbies’ "--and now you’re leaving.’

I only smiled. I already knew Ma’s fate; I had seen it long ago. I used to cry when I was little, but I didn’t anymore. Life is Death. Death is Life.


And space out that last bit too, of course.

There were some other formatting things, too, but that's boring, and I want to move onto other things.

First, before I forget: one of the things I liked most, beside the idea/concept of this, was your main character's voice. It... fit so incredibly, intriguingly well. Had this air of "I know things" and humbleness and wisdom and security... So different from typical narrators. She actually sounds like a prophetess, and it's not just told to us and we're not just expected to believe it.

Oh, and make sure you're consistent with your first person approach. You generally have two options with first person written in the past tense. One, the narrator is actually writing it from some point in the future after everything's happened. Two, the narrator isn't actually telling it from the future, but from the story-present, and it's just something the reader accepts even though logically impossible.

I assume you're going for the first one--which fits, in my opinion--so you'll want to pay attention to which tenses you use and where. To give a few examples:

The gods are mysterious, Ma often says. She now says it ever more often, especially since the Holy Men first came.


Unless the narrator is writing it in a place where she and her mother talk enough for Kata to hear "The gods are mysterious," you'll probably want to put that in past tense.

And here:

He’d been hiding out in the mountains for about a week now.


'Now' is the big offender there, because it's not "now." It's... what sounds like years ago.

My final two things:

1) You use a noticeable amount of semicolons, and while this might just be my personal preference, I'd say to scale back. Two sentences can be more effective than one.

2) At one point, Kata calls Zayra a demigod. At another point, an elf. Is she both demigod and elf? Or is she an elf because she's a demigod... or a demigod because she's an elf? Basically, I'm confused. I think you could solve the problem, though, by making sure to use both terms--especially if Kata's an elf too, as the end bit implied.

I think I'm done being nitpicky now. But, this was fantastic, and I wanted to give you something to work on. With some revision just to tighten up everything, this could be some seriously awesome stuff. But I can't really give you any suggestions on how to tighten it up because I don't know where everything's going yet, and it could be largely dependent on that.

Which is really just me saying, I want more!

If you have any questions or if anything was unclear, just PM me or bug me on my Wall, or whatever. One last time: fantastic work.

Rach
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Sat Oct 23, 2010 6:44 am
TearsLikeRain says...



Wow. That was absolutely amazing. I loved it. So Kata and her family are elves also? Or are they human? I got a little confused on that one. It doesn't matter to me though, I love the characters and the way you described them. This was a really great start. The way you described and explain things is pure magic. (: I can't wait to read more.

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Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:20 am
Tigersprite says...



Thanks for the comments guys! I edited it a bit to try and make the demigod/ elf distinction clearer.
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Sun Oct 24, 2010 10:14 pm
funkyreg101 says...



I really like this, it's really unique and interesting. I love the concept and where your going with it! A few things that bugged me though, previous posts covered most of them... However theres a spot (I can't find it now) that says something like: But i blahblahblah. But then blahblahblah. Get rid of one of the buts, it sounds funny... Its in either the firnst little section or the second....
Well good job!!
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Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:04 pm
Flower~Child says...



Ok. Here as requested friend! I am going to try and review this from memory, because I read this earlier.

I want to start off by saying that this is an amazing story. It is very individual and unique, I don't think I've read anything quite like it. I think that you could have conquered the characters more though. As it is I feel no connection to the characters. I don't know if it is just me or what, but they don't seem as emotional as they could be.

I think that your scenes flowed well. They fit togther very smootly, which isn't very common these days.
I like how you added demigods to the mix of all of this, even if some of it doesn't make sense. I think you could have done some more explaining in the area of the falling in the water. It's very vague there.

I like how you said Ma and Da instead of anything usual, it makes this story more individual in and of itself.

I was really interested to see how this lines up with your prologue though. I'm sure I'll find out though.

I didn't really get how the girl made the locket, but I thought that the concept was very neat.

I think you gave good background, which is very good in a story like this.

I can't really say anything bad about this. It is very unique, and very well-written. You impressed me very much here.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help here, I really enjoyed it. Let me know if you need another review.

-Flow-
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Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:37 am
Yuriiko says...



Hey there!

Here to review as requested.

First of all, I'm going to apologize in advance if ever you see this review totally unhelpful. I mean, this piece is very rare (in a good way) that it's hard for me to find any grammatical negativity here. You have these unique characters and doesn't have cliche' personality and interesting plot too. And I just want to say that I definitely like the last two paragraphs. How you depict things are what really pulled me in to read the first word until the very last one. SO I think you deserve a pat on the shoulder for those things.

Although I'm not saying this chapter is "perfect", that won't be a very specific word to describe this. It's because tehre are just some slight parts that are little bit blurry to understand (or is it just me?). But at any rate, I think this is a pretty good start. Your punctuations are good, no misspelled words, verb consistency is obviously done well. However, I might just some nitpick on some things:

We had all three been there, I, Luga and Zayra.


I think it would be better (and easier) for you to write it like this: "Luga, Zayra and I had been all there." <--That's just a suggestion though.

Daz’ sons have been searching for you.’


Perhaps "Daz's"? I think you only need an apostrophe is a noun ends with an s.

‘Ma and Da’ll be broken.


LIke this one, it's better if it'll be like this: "Ma and Da will..."

Okay, those are just the nitpicks. So, I shall perhaps stop blabbering now. All in all, good job on this, Tiger. Hope I helped and PM me for questions. :D

Keep writing!

Peace out,
Yuri
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Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:31 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Tiger,

It's probably easiest to say that this blew me away, but that's not quite accurate. This piece isn't the reach-out-and-grab-you-and-pull-you-in-mercilessly sort. This is sort, rather, that lures you in. And if the promise set forth in this chapter fulfills itself... this is the sort of novel that you read, forget all time while you're reading, and emerge from in a daze.
I have to agree with that Rachael wrote here because I'd seen this the other day, starting reading it then clicked off. I wasn't in a try-to-figure-all-this-out mood so I didn't. But when I saw you were featured (congrats, by the way) I came back. And was blown away.

If this was any other story and the mc was so . . . detached, I'd have been disappointed. As it is, this fits with the humble prophetess that we are picturing. I'm trying to make sense here but . . . It feels as if the whole just stops in your story. There's no outside noise, nothing to disturb your characters. Almost like a not-so-silent movie. Does that make sense? I'm not sure how else to describe it but my ears were ringing, I was so concentrated on the peace in your story. Meh! I know what I mean haha.

I read the reviews you got and I saw you wrote that you edited the whole demigod/elf thing. I beg to differ; I'm still confused. At the beginning, Kata told Zayra that she'd bring her with her when the Holy men would come because she's a demigod, but Zaya stays back. and what about Kata, she's an elf?

That whole bit will have to be fixed to lessen any confusion but Tiger, this story was pure gold. It was quite different from what I've ever read, but in a good way.

I hope you'll have the next chapter up soon, can't wait to read it!
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Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:06 pm
fruityfortissimo says...



This is extremely good! I love your wording and how you kept the reader in suspense. Your imagination is absolutely amazing. Creativity is key in this story and I love how you threw in what seemed like real world references. I could feel your passion for writing and your personality in this story. Good grammar and excellent figurative language. Your metaphors and similies were somewhat original but some of them were a little cliche. The only thing I would work on was to be more original in your figurative language. Overall an excellent piece of literature. Well done and keep it up!
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Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:43 pm
Sins says...



Heya, Tiger :)

Sorry for getting to you late, but I'm finally here to review. You've gotten some lovely reviews already, so I'm sorry if this isn't much help to you. I'll try not to repeat anything that's already been said!

She started saying it when I was barely more than a babe, after I fell into the Amasa pool during the Wishing Ceremony, after I came out with my brown eyes two different shades of green and I started seeing those spirits and other fantastical creatures that only witches said they saw.

I like what you're saying in this sentence, but I think that it's awfully long for only one sentence. Maybe you could cut it down a bit?

They wanted me to come and stay with them, for I was a great prophetess, they said, and they needed one of those, they said.


But Da wasn’t sure. I remember him getting angry and then they went away.


‘If anything, anything at all, ever happens to you, find me. I don’t care for all the gods or Holy Men in the world; if they hurt you, nothing will stop me.’ His face had turned whiter than normal; his eyes were black.


But his eyes were old; they hid the secrets of the ages.



Overall

I kind of agree with what everyone else has said (a load of use I am!) when they said that this was a really unique piece of writing. From what I can tell so far, this has an original plot. I'm one of those people who love original novels and stories because there's always something great about reading something I've never read before. You had some good descriptions here, and I liked how the characters introduced weren't all similar. Your grammar was pretty much perfect. I found some little errors, but I pointed them out for you in my nit-picks. Your vocabulary was nicely ranged and you spelt everything correctly as far as I could tell.

A critique I have for you is actually what others seem to have said. Now, I'm a very simple kid, so complicated things and me don't mix. This might just be me, but I'm not an awful lot sure what's going on in this exactly. Mind you, I suck at remembering things when it comes to mystical creatures and junk. I think I agree with what Rachael said. To me, this would be a book that I'd read for a bit, put down, start reading it again, leave it for a while, then go back to it. That's just me though, if I'm honest. I fail at sticking to a book and reading it anyway. I'm not going to complain about this any more though because this is only the first chapter. You have plenty of time to clear some things up and make sure that everything is understandable.

The main thing that slightly bothers me about this are your characters. They seem... I don't know, distant? It almost feels as though your MC is seeing things, but not feeling them. Kind of like an out of body experience thing. That's the only way I can think of describing it. I mean, she's leaving her entire family, right? Wouldn't your MC be emotional about that? Even if she's doing it because she knows it's the right thing e.t.c. She's saying that she has to go, that it's the right thing, but how is she feeling about it? I'm finding this hard to explain! When she was separated from her best friend, for example. You described her crying, but it didn't really come across as her emotions. She cried, but you didn't show how much she truly would miss her friend, her family, or that she was at all scared. Maybe she wasn't scared, I don't know, but I certainly would be! I also assumed that she was pretty young, so that enhances the whole being scared thing for me.

Negatives aside, this was a greatly written first chapter. I'm not going to lie to you; I'm not the biggest fan of this kind of story/novel, but I did enjoy reading this. I can see a bucket load of potential in this and if you progress it well, it could end up being a wonderful novel. Just take into consideration what's been suggested, edit this up a teeny bit, and this will be a really epic chapter! You're a much better writer than me, that's for sure! :lol:

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Wed Oct 27, 2010 4:45 pm
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Tigersprite says...



Thanks for all the fantastic comments guys. I'll go over it and make some corrections, but I just need to finish writing a competition entry. Thanks! :)

TIGERSPRITE

P.S. If anyone's interested, Kiss of Death now has a page at: page.php?id=761
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Fri Jan 07, 2011 7:30 pm
wonderland says...



Alright, so, woah.

After such a greatly done prologue, I started reading this one and my confused metre was raised. THe first three paragraph gave me so much information you just passed over and I had to stop. You could give way more description in each paragraph, giving the reader some emotion and thoughts of the characters in the situations that they are in. I also have some questions, such as Who are the Holy Men, and why are they important.

Other then that, and I reread the chapter a few times, it ended up like the prologue.
Well written and very interesting.
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:12 am
Lauren2010 says...



Hey there Tigersprite! Thanks so much for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's your thanks-for-entering review!

They wanted me to come and stay with them, for I was a great prophetess they said, and they needed one of those, they said.

You say "they said" twice. I would cut the second one.

But the next morn Zayra told me she had the dream again, and I knew they would be back next Winter. And I knew I would be going with them.

I really like this line. Just thought I'd mention it. xD

The mad black hair that would not be tamed by Ma’s efforts, nearly brown in the sunlight streaming in.

Streaming in from where?

Daz'

Any instance this is done, I feel like it should be Daz's. Typically when a word ends in an "s" it is done like that (ex. Das') for possessive, but I think with a "z" you still throw the "s" on there for possessive.

‘Daz’ sons are all talk. You see them around now I’m here?’ He looked past me, at the world outside the window.

‘Why do those Holy Men want you again? Don’t they have enough prophetesses?’

If the second quote is still Luga talking, then it should be connected to the bit above, not a new paragraph. So:
'Daz' sons are all talk. You see them around now I'm here?' He looked past me, at the world outside the window. 'Why do these Holy Men want you again? Don't they have enough prophetesses?'

He seemed about to say something more, but it was when the spirit disappeared that he finally spoke again.

There needs to be that "but" in there.

‘We can’t go in there,’ I said to my silent companion. He turned to me.

‘There is a monster there. People who venture in, they don’t come back. They never come back.’ He still looked at me, and then a harsh wind blew and I had the feeling that we were not alone.

Same thing here, with these two paragraphs, as the comment up earlier.

Part of me wants to say you're doing a fine job with your characters, while the other part wants to say I wish I'd gotten more out of them. I don't quite feel like I have the best sense of your characters, and while I think it partly suits them and the story, I do want to see a little bit more of them. I don't know that we ever get a very good description of your MC, which would be nice or else the reader may end up seeing them as only talking heads (here's a fantastic article about how to combat talking heads). Throwing in more description around dialogue will make your characters a lot more relatable, and a lot easier to visualize. One of the things I really felt was missing from this was that addition of description that's usually aroung dialogue. I don't mean said tags (you've done a wonderful job without the said tags) but just character movement, people doing things while they talk. It isn't often that two people have a conversation completely devoid of body language, so the same should be for your characters. :)

This was very good, Tiger. I'm very impressed by the way you have shaped this story. It's different, and I like it. It's very much a lure you in sort of story that keeps your attention for a long time until hours have passed and you haven't even noticed. While it doesn't have the same excitement as a reach-out-and-grab-you-by-the-throat sort of story, it is just as good. Definitely keep writing!

Thanks again for entering!

-Lauren-
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Hearing these stories makes me realize that I never did anything with my childhood.
— The Internet