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Young Writers Society


A Different Kind Of Fantasy



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22 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1796
Reviews: 22
Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:45 pm
tuckerluvr says...



Hello! This was for a school assignment, and I don't really have much to say, exept please comment on things I should change and enjoy :)



As she stepped out the window, Rachel entered a new world. Spring turned to fall, and the green grass was covered by crackly, brown dead leaves. She shivered as energy surged through her. A gust of wind sent leaves spiraling past her, and she felt a light tickle against her calf. Startled, she whirled around only to discover that is was the curtain of the window she had entered this strange land from. The window was in front of her, and wide open.
Rachel climbed back through the window, hoping that she would be transported back home, but she just found herself on the other side. She climbed back through again, but to no avail. She sighed and sat on a nearby boulder, thinking. What am I going to do? She asked herself. It looks like there is no way out! I’m trapped! Eventually, she decided that if she was going to spend the rest of her life in the woods in this faraway place, she might as well look around and explore.
Rachel’s heels sunk into the ground as she walked, and dead leaves were punctured. She could feel blisters forming, so she left the designer shoes by a large oak tree. Walking barefoot was much more pleasant, but it also had its cons. The occasional stick or stone jabbed at her foot, along with the occasional thorn. It seemed like she walked forever through the dense woods, and she was overjoyed when she saw a bright green meadow up ahead.

Multicolored flowers were sprinkled over the landscape, and there were lovely green hills. The dew on the grass felt absolutely wonderful, and Rachel pushed her worries behind her. She ran through the meadow, releasing her inner child. She crested a hill, and stopped when she noticed 3 figures below.
As she looked harder, she realized that they were three horses. No, not three horse but three unicorns! There was a big white one and smaller blue and pink ones. The munched happily at the grass and soon moved over to a nearby pond. Rachel sat down on the ground, watching. Pretty soon, a clump of floating pollen decided that its destination was Rachel’s nostril, and she sneezed violently.
The unicorns raised their heads, with water dribbling from their mouths.
“Oh no! A blah blah blah has escaped camp!” the blue unicorn cried out.
“Wait- you guys can talk? What camp?” Rachel asked.
“Ah! The blah blah blah has spoken! Flee and warn the others!” the unicorns started galloping off.
So many questions ran through Rachel’s mind. Blah blah blah? Camp? Unicorns? This place was getting stranger by the minute. Rachel made her way down the hill to the pond, where the unicorns were at. She was thirsty after trekking the distance she did. She studied the water; it was crystal clear, and it looked safe enough. She thought that the source was a spring she saw in the distance. Her thirst getting the best of her, she drank from her cupped hands. The water was cool and refreshing, and as she sat there, she noticed a tree in the distance.
She got up and walked towards it, and saw red dots on it- apples! She ran towards it; she hadn’t eaten since early in the morning, before she went to work. The sun was setting now, and Rachel ate 2 apples before drifting asleep under the tree.

The next morning, Rachel ate another apple and drank her fill from the pond. She continued through the meadow, and her nose started to turn red. It stung, and Rachel cooled the minor sunburn with water at every available source. It only helped temporarily, and continued to sting.
Rachel came across another forest, and ventured into it. She made her way through the dense trees and dead leaves. It was midday until she heard voices in the distance. Startled, she slowed her pace and the voices got louder. They were deep voices, Rachel noticed. She noticed a patch of grass ahead of her and she hid behind a tree as a figure blocked her view. From her spot behind the tree, she realized that this place was some kind of work camp. Men and women in tattered clothing worked, some milking cows with ribs showing and others washing clothes. But the most startling however, were the trolls patrolling the grounds.
The biggest troll sniffed the air and turned in the direction of Rachel, and took long strides towards her. Rachel wanted to run away, but she was rooted to the spot with fear. The troll reached her, and dragged her out into the clearing without saying anything. The people working were now looking at her with interest, and with sympathy.
“We’ve been expecting you,” he said gruffly.
“Umm… where am I?” Rachel stammered.
“You are in Mystical Forest,” the troll motioned around at the trees.” These are magical places. Dangerous places.”
“How do I leave? I don’t like it here,”
“You can’t leave,”
“What? Why?”
“There is no known way out,” he said. “This is your new home forever”
“Ok, and if this is my new home, then I have some questions,”
“I have answers,” the troll replied.
“Well, first of all, what is your name?”
“My name? Well, my name is Stan,”
“Well Stan, I have some more questions. I saw some unicorns on my way here and…”
“Ah, Troy and his friends,” Stan said.
“And they called me a Blah Blah Blah,”
“Their an odd bunch; but for them, a Blah Blah Blah is a human. You only see humans here, and in three other camps scattered throughout the land. There is a gathering tonight, and you can come if your not too tired.”
“I’ll go,” Rachel wanted to ask some others if all this about no escape route was really true. Besides, she might be able to escape and live on her own for a while at least… anything to get out of this awful camp. It was disgusting, with animal dung scattered throughout and dirt everywhere.
Rachel’s thoughts were put behind her as she was shoved into one of the little huts. It was dim in there, and she saw two beds: one was empty, and a woman was sitting on another, crocheting a lovely blue blanket out of some blue yarn that looked as if it was crafted from the camp‘s sheep‘s wool. Stan introduced her as Clara, and she put down her crochet to help me get settled.
“Duties start tomorrow,” Stan called over his shoulder as he left.
“Why? Why me get stuck in this terrible place?” Rachel wailed. “I have kids and a family.”
“So do I,” Clara whispered. “Two young kids. This place is actually OK after you get used to it. Yeah, the food is pretty terrible but the people are nice and help you. The jobs aren’t so bad, either. The worst part is defiantly missing your friends and family,”
“ How far away is the gathering?” Rachel asked, yawning.
“ Eh, about 4 miles. Its not near as far as the others have to travel, so you have some time for rest. We‘ll head out in about 3 hours or so,”
“Good,” Rachel murmured as she lay down on the scratchy sheet. She was pretty sure the mattress was a bag stuffed full with hay or straw, but it would do for now.

Before she knew it, Clara was gently prodding her awake.” Come on sleepyhead, time for the gathering,”
Rachel stood up and stretched, then followed Clara to where everyone else was huddled and talking, and she noticed a well-beaten path through the woods. They walked along it, and after a while Rachel heard more voices. Clara led her into a large clearing, where about 150 people were gathered. She followed Clara over to a group of women a little further off, and they introduced each other. Stan and 3 other trolls stood up front, and Rachel’s leader spoke first.
“Greetings everyone,” he started. “I will begin the gathering. We have a good source of food, and we have a new member. We welcome Rachel to out group,” Rachel blushed as everyone looked at her, and a few clapped. “No deaths or births to report, and all is well.” Stan finished.
Another troll came up, and Clara informed Rachel that the speaker was Henry. “We have a food shortage, but we are making it through. Luckily, we have a good supply of berry bushes a few miles from where we live, and eventually we will have more meat and rice. Nothing else to report.” Henry concluded.
The next speaker who Rachel didn’t catch the name of announced a death by a disease. The final troll, a very large one, announced something nobody wanted to hear. His name was Bob, and he was the leader of all the trolls. “The feared giant emu has made a nest about 5 miles from our camp, closer to Stan’s,” He paused for a second before continuing. “It took one of our babies. It is a savage killer, and should be taken care of! It doesn’t deserve to live. I say we kill it!”
By the information Clara had given her about the emu, Rachel knew that the emu was big- very big. It stood over 15 feet tall, and is known for swiping babies and young children. Even so, Rachel didn’t believe that it should be killed. It did what it did to survive, just like people did.
As everyone left talking about the emu and Rachel kept out of the conversation. Her bare feet ached, and Clara promised that she would make her a pair of leather shoes. As soon as they reached camp, Rachel fell asleep once her head hit the pillow.

The next morning, Rachel was assigned to do the previous day’s laundry with Clara. They talked about their lives at home, and how badly they wanted to go back. Clara told Rachel about some of the hardships of living in Mystical Forest. In winter, they only supplied you with an extra blanket, and you had to make any extras you needed. Drinking water usually froze, and it was hard to work and maintain a healthy body temperature. As they talked, the trolls patrolled the camp, keeping order.
Lunch was some kind of soup, containing carrots, potatoes, and some kind of meat. It was bland, but edible. The same went with dinner; Rachel could do much better. Dinner was an attempt at a taco, but as soon as Rachel picked it up the flour shell broke and it turned into a messy taco salad.

A few weeks past, and Rachel adjusted more an more to camp life. She was picking up sticks in the forest for a fire when Troy and his 2 friends walked up, and told her something that would change her life.
“We know of a way out!” they exclaimed.
Rachel snorted. “There is no way out,”
“Yes there is!” the blue unicorn insisted.
“No there isn’t. How do you know?”
“We had a sign,”
“What kind of sign?”
“A sign”
Rachel gave up. “OK, how do I get out?”
“We must find three magical items- a magical disk, golden banana, and a golden cheese cube,” the Pink one reported.
“Golden cheese cube?”
“Yes, golden cheese cube!”
It was odd, because Rachel actually believed them. “Ok, I’ll go with you on your journey to find…”
“The disk, golden cheese cube, and golden banana!”
“Right,”

“Are you ready to go then?” Troy asked.
“I guess so,” Rachel said, looking back in the direction of camp.
“Great!” Blue, Pink, and Troy chorused.
“First, we have to find the disk,” Pink said. “Its in the mountains,” Rachel remembered seeing looming mountains in the distance during her first day.
Rachel and the unicorns walked through the forest, and into the clearing Rachel first saw Troy and the others in. She could faintly see the outline of the mountains, and she wondered how long it would take to get thee by foot. By sun high, Rachel was tired and could barely walk. The leather shoes were rubbing her feet raw, as they were not made for long-distance walking.
“Want a ride?” Blue asked, realizing Rachel was slowing.
“Sure, thanks,” Rachel panted as she pushed herself up onto Blue’s back.
“Not a problem,” He replied.
“I thought you didn’t like us, err, Blah Blah Blahs,”
“We don’t like most of them,” Blue said. “Once they see us, they usually try to catch us. Your not like all the others. Besides,” Blue swished his tail to shoo away some flies. “The sign we had included you,”
“We better get that disk before the sun goes down,” Troy said. “Lets gallop,” With that, the three unicorns sped towards the mountains, and Rachel clung on for dear life. She relaxed as she settled into the smooth rocking-horse motion. The wind blew through her hair, and they slowed down to a trot as they started up the ominous slope with rock piles scattered throughout, supposedly where the disk was.
“This is the one,” Pink stopped at a large pile with several large boulders scattered in the mix. “Rachel, hop down and look for it,”
Rachel dismounted and turned over rocks. Her hands bled as sharp rocks pierced her skin, and she was about to give up as she heaved a heavy granite boulder out of the way. There, under the rock, was a golden disk! She picked it up, and wiped away the dirt that covered a large sapphire in the middle. The disk was more like a dinner plate; it was larger than her hand, with fancy designs.
“I found it!” she shouted. She stumbled over rocks towards the unicorns, and showed them the disk- the first piece of the puzzle that would get her back home.
“Put it around my neck,” Troy lowered his head and Rachel clipped it on. “We have to get back to low ground before night falls. It gets bitterly cold up here,” Rachel climbed back on Blue, and he instructed her to lean back as they went downhill. It was dark by the time they reached level ground again, and they fell asleep next to a peach tree for the night.

In the morning, Rachel satisfied her stomach acids by eating some peaches, and they continued on. Fittingly, the golden banana was located in the heart of the money temple, in the middle of the jungle. Rachel caught some extra z’s on the way, but it was difficult because she kept slipping off the side of Blue.
With a bruised shoulder, Rachel decided to just ride. It seemed like they trekked to the jungle forever, and Rachel was relieved once they entered it. Troy tripped on a vine and Rachel fell off as Blue spooked.
“What was that for?” Rachel snapped.
“Sorry I thought I saw a tiger,”
“Whatever,“ Rachel muttered. They came across a monkey statue, and knew that the temple was close. After another five minutes, they found a large structure with two bigger statues guarding it. They wearily entered, and Rachel sneezed as a cobweb covered his nose. The light came in from holes in the ceiling, and it was only just enough to enable them to see the passageway. There were markings on it, like hieroglyphs. They included monkeys, bananas, tigers, pegasai, centaurs, dragons, phoenixes, and other mythical creatures Rachel hoped they wouldn’t run into.
They reached a chamber, and in the middle of it was a pedestal. It was lit up by a large hole in the ceiling, and on it lay a golden banana. Rachel nervously dismounted and walked up to it. She carefully took the banana off, and braced herself for flying arrows like in Indiana Jones, but there were none. The banana was cold, and she ran back to the waiting unicorns.
Relieved, and amazed that she was still alive, Rachel clutched the banana as they trotted out into the jungle again. Night was falling, and a storm was brewing. Thunder boomed overhead, and it started pouring down rain. They slept in the temple, not wanting to get wet. With the steady pitter patter of the rain in the temple, Rachel drifted off to sleep while Troy kept watch.

They woke up early in the morning and headed out to find the last item, the golden cheese cube. Where it was Rachel didn’t know, but Pink assured her that they knew where it was. They walked through the jungle, avoiding the vines and spiders. The air was humid, and soon Rachel was dripping sweat and miserable. All of a sudden, they heard a loud screech and the thud of footsteps. Startled, Rachel whirled around a wished she hadn’t.
There, about 500 feet away and running towards them, was a giant bird. The emu! Rachel thought. She grabbed enough mane if Blue as the bolted and shot through the jungle. Rachel heard the emu call out behind her, and it was gaining on them.
“Wait! I’m not the emu! I’m a magical kiwi! I have the golden cheese cube! Wait!”
The unicorns skidded to a halt, and turned around to face the so-called kiwi. It was massive, about 18 feet tall and had a bluish tint to its feathers. It held out a wing, and sure enough, sitting in it was a golden cube. Rachel didn’t know why it was called golden ‘cheese cube’ when it was just a golden cube.
“Really?“ Rachel asked.
“Really!” the kiwi insisted.
Rachel dismounted Blue and he moved away to join Troy and Pink. She had to stand of tiptoes to reach the cube in the kiwi’s outstretched wing. She took thje small cube, and stood there dumbly. The kiwithen turned around and thundered away without another word.
“That was odd,” Pink remarked.
“Yes it was,” Rachel turned to Troy. “This is it, isn’t it? The final piece of the puzzle,”
“Yes, it is,”
“What do we do now?”
“Take the disk off of me,” Troy directed and Rachel did so. “OK, now look at it very closely…”
“I see it! A slot shaped like a banana and one like a square!”
“Yep” Troy said. “Once you put the pieces in the right slots, poof your home to the world of the Blah Blah Blahs.
“Wow,” Rachel trembled with the thought of finally heading home. First, she put in the banana. As she got ready to put the cube into place, she turned to the unicorns. “Thank you guys. I’ll never forget you,” Rachel hated to admit it, but she had tears welling in her eyes. They were a mix for joy and sadness, leaving her new friends behind but going home to her old. She put the last piece in, and in an odd poof the was back in her home, standing in front of the window that had gotten her in this whole mess. The curtains were blowing, and the window was wide open. Rachel slammed it shut.
She sighed and slumped on a wall. How was she going to explain this to her boss, friends, and husband? I’ll think of something, she assured herself. [/i]I’ll think of something.[/i]

~20 years later~

It was stifling hot; 6-year-old Timmy was playing in his bedroom with his action figures. He opened the window, and saw his best friend strolling to his house, heading down the driveway. Anxious to see him, timmy climbed out the window.
He found himself in a forest unknown, and it defintally wasn’t his front yard. All he saw was trees, and nobody. Not even his dog, skipper, who followed him around everywhere. He warily walked through the woods, and after quite a ways he found a old, tattered pair of women’s shoes. He heard a rustling behind him, and screamed out in surprise. There, staring at him was 3 unicorns.
“Welcome,” they said. “To Mystical Forest,”
the purposes of a man's heart are deep waters but a man of understanding draws them out

- Proverbs 20:5
  





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12 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 12
Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:20 pm
Blackrose says...



Heya!

This is definatly a different kind of fantasy! I love it though.
Ofcourse there are some little nitpicks that I must coment on. So...
She sighed and sat on a nearby boulder, thinking. What am I going to do? She asked herself. It looks like there is no way out! I’m trapped! Eventually, she decided that if she was going to spend the rest of her life in the woods in this faraway place, she might as well look around and explore.

I know this is long quote but there are two words you don't need. Thinking and Eventually. I put them in a diferent colour for you. Also, you should really say in the woods of this faraway place. It just sounds a bit better.
but it also had its cons.

Your going to have to put the whole word I'm afraid.
There was a big white one and smaller blue and pink ones.

This could do with revamping a little. At the moment it doesn't flow to well and I think you can add a lot of description in here.
Blah blah blah? Camp? Unicorns? This place was getting stranger by the minute.

If this is what Rachel is thinking then it could do with being put in ittalics so the reader knows.
They were deep voices, Rachel noticed. She noticed a patch

Try not to repeat a word so close together.
Stan introduced her as Clara, and she put down her crochet to help me get settled.

You changed tense here. That will confuse the reader a bit!

O.K, wow. Apart from the odd spelling mistake and the need for a few more bits of description that was very good. Very strange but very good. I just have one thing to say, why do people seem to like climbing through windows in your story. It's kinda strange!
If you need anything don't hesitate to PM me.
X BlackRose X
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 3689
Reviews: 19
Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:53 pm
emmily says...



tuckerluvr wrote: As she stepped out the window, Rachel entered a new world. Spring turned to fall, and(don't need the comma here) the green grass was covered by crackly, brown dead leaves. She shivered as energy surged through her. A gust of wind sent leaves spiraling past her, and (Same thing here. Only in rare cases should there be a comma directly before the word 'and')she felt a light tickle against her calf. Startled, she whirled around only to discover that is was the curtain of the window she had entered this strange land from. The window was in front of her, and wide open.
Rachel climbed back through the window, hoping that she would be transported back home, but she just found herself on the other side. ('the other side' almost makes it sound like this is the place where she moves through to the other world. Is there some other way you could word this?[color=#008000])[/color]She climbed back through again, but to no avail. She sighed and sat on a nearby boulder, thinking. What am I going to do? She asked herself. It looks like there is no way out! I’m trapped! Eventually, she decided that if she was going to spend the rest of her life in the woods in this faraway place, she might as well look around and explore.
Rachel’s heels sunk into the ground as she walked, and dead leaves were punctured. She could feel blisters forming, so she left the designer shoes by a large oak tree. Walking barefoot was much more pleasant, but it also had its cons. The occasional stick or stone jabbed at her foot, along with the occasional thorn. It seemed like she walked forever through the dense woods, and she was overjoyed when she saw a bright green meadow up ahead.

Multicolored flowers were sprinkled(this word sounds like the flowers have been picked and then scattered over the grass. Is that what you meant or are these flowers still growing?) over the landscape, and there were lovely green hills. The dew on the grass felt absolutely wonderful, and Rachel pushed her worries behind her. She ran through the meadow, releasing her inner child. She crested a hill, and stopped when she noticed 3 figures (Numbers are generally written out unless they are more than three words long.)below.
As she looked harder, she realized that they were three horses. No, not three horse but three unicorns! There was a big white one and smaller blue and pink ones (this sounds like there are a whole crowd of 'blue and pink ones') Try rewording this a bit.. The munched happily at the grass and soon moved over to a nearby pond. Rachel sat down on the ground, watching. Pretty soon, a clump of floating pollen decided that its destination(This phrase is a bit too extreme for me. I think it would make more sense if it didn't sound so much like the pollen was alive. If natural things being alive is going to end up being an important part of your story then this makes sense. Otherwise, you might want to revise this line.) was Rachel’s nostril, and she sneezed violently.
The unicorns raised their heads, with water dribbling from their mouths.
“Oh no! A blah blah blah has escaped camp!” the blue unicorn cried out.
“Wait- you guys can talk? What camp?” Rachel asked.
“Ah! The blah blah blah has spoken! Flee and warn the others!” the unicorns started galloping off.
So many questions ran through Rachel’s mind. Blah blah blah? Camp? Unicorns? This place was getting stranger by the minute. Rachel made her way down the hill to the pond, where the unicorns were at. She was thirsty after trekking the distance she did. She studied the water; it was crystal clear, and it looked safe enough. She thought that the source was a spring she saw in the distance. Her thirst getting the best of her, she drank from her cupped hands. The water was cool and refreshing, and as she sat there, she noticed a tree in the distance.
She got up and walked towards it, and saw red dots on it- apples! She ran towards it; she hadn’t eaten since early in the morning, before she went to work. The sun was setting now, and Rachel ate 2 apples(again, use words instead of the numeral) before drifting asleep under the tree.

The next morning, Rachel ate another apple and drank her fill from the pond. She continued through the meadow, and her nose started to turn red. It stung, and Rachel cooled the minor sunburn with water at every available source. It only helped temporarily, and continued to sting.
Rachel came across another forest, and ventured into it. She made her way through the dense trees and dead leaves. It was midday until she heard voices in the distance. Startled, she slowed her pace and the voices got louder. They were deep voices, Rachel noticed. She noticed a patch of grass ahead of her and hid behind a tree as a figure blocked her view. From her spot behind the tree, she realized that this place was some kind of work camp. (Could you give a little bit of a description here rather than merely telling us that this place is a work camp?)Men and women in tattered clothing worked, some milking cows with ribs showing and others washing clothes. But the most startling however, were the trolls patrolling the grounds.
The biggest troll sniffed the air and turned in the direction of Rachel, and took long strides towards her. Rachel wanted to run away, but she was rooted to the spot with fear. The troll reached her, and dragged her out into the clearing without saying anything. The people working were now looking at her with interest, and sympathy.
“We’ve been expecting you,” he said gruffly.
“Umm… where am I?” Rachel stammered.
“You are in Mystical Forest,” the troll motioned around at the trees. "These are magical places. Dangerous places.”
“How do I leave? I don’t like it here,”
“You can’t leave,”
“What? Why?”
“There is no known way out,” he said. “This is your new home forever”
“Ok, and if this is my new home then I have some questions,” (This sentence sounds overly casual, as though Rachel is easily accepting the fact that she's suddenly stuck here forever which isn't very realistic.)
“I have answers,” the troll replied.
“Well, first of all, what is your name?”
“My name? Well, my name is Stan.”
“Well Stan, I have some more questions. I saw some unicorns on my way here and…”
“Ah, Troy and his friends,” Stan said.
“And they called me a Blah Blah Blah,”
“Their an odd bunch; but for them, a Blah Blah Blah is a human. You only see humans here, and in three other camps scattered throughout the land. There is a gathering tonight, and(Try taking out the 'and' and splitting this into two sentences instead.) you can come if your not too tired.”
“I’ll go.” Rachel wanted to ask some others if all this about no escape rote was really true. Besides, she might be able to escape and live on her own for a while at least… anything to get out of this awful camp. It was disgusting, with animal dung scattered throughout and dirt everywhere.
Rachel’s thoughts were put behind her(this reads awkwardly- Maybe try something about how 'Rachel was forced to put her musings behind her...') as she was shoved into one of the little huts. It was dim in there, and she saw two beds: one was empty, and a woman was sitting on another, crocheting a lovely blue blanket out of some blue yarn that looked as if it was crafted from the camp‘s sheep‘s wool. Stan introduced her as Clara, and she put down her crochet to help me get settled.
“Duties start tomorrow,” Stan called over his shoulder as he left.
“Why? Why me get stuck in this terrible place?” Rachel wailed. “I have kids and a family.”
“So do I,” Clara whispered. “Two young kids. This place is actually OK after you get used to it. Yeah, the food is pretty terrible but the people are nice and help you. The jobs aren’t so bad, either. The worst part is defiantly missing your friends and family,”
“ How far away is the gathering?” Rachel asked, yawning.
“ Eh, it's about 4 miles (write out the number.)away. Its not near as far as the others have to travel, so you have some time for rest. We‘ll head out in about 3 hours or so,”
“Good,” Rachel murmured as she lay down on the scratchy sheet. She was pretty sure the mattress was a bag stuffed full with hay or straw, but it would do for now.

Before she knew it, Clara was gently prodding her awake.” Come on sleepyhead, time for the gathering,”
Rachel stood up and stretched, then followed Clara to where everyone else was huddled and talking, and she noticed a well-beaten path through the woods. They walked along it, and after a while Rachel heard more voices. Clara led her into a large clearing, where about 150 people were gathered. She followed Clara over to a group of women a little further off, and they introduced each other. Stan and 3 other trolls stood up front, and Rachel’s leader spoke first.
“Greetings everyone,” he started. “I will begin the gathering. We have a good source of food, and we have a new member. We welcome Rachel to out group,” Rachel blushed as everyone looked at her, and a few clapped. “No deaths or births to report, and all is well.” Stan finished.
Another troll came up, and Clara informed Rachel that the speaker was Henry. “We have a food shortage, but we are making it through. Luckily, we have a good supply of berry bushes a few miles from where we live, and eventually we will have more meat and rice. Nothing else to report.” Henry concluded.
The next speaker who Rachel didn’t catch the name of announced a death by a disease. The final troll, a very large one, announced something nobody wanted to hear. His name was Bob, and he was the leader of all the trolls. “The feared giant emu has made a nest about 5 miles from our camp, closer to Stan’s,” He paused for a second before continuing. “It took one of our babies. It is a savage killer, and should be taken care of! It doesn’t deserve to live. I say we kill it!”
By the information Clara had given her about the emu, Rachel knew that the emu was big- very big. It stood over 15 feet tall, and is known for swiping babies and young children. Even so, Rachel didn’t believe that it should be killed. It did what it did to survive, just like people did.
As everyone left talking about the emu and Rachel kept out of the conversation. Her bare feet ached, and Clara promised that she would make her a pair of leather shoes. As soon as they reached camp, Rachel fell asleep once(maybe 'as soon as' instead of 'once') her head hit the pillow.

The next morning, Rachel was assigned to do the previous day’s laundry with Clara. They talked about their lives at home, and how badly they wanted to go back. Clara told Rachel about some of the hardships of living in Mystical Forest. In winter, they only supplied you with an extra blanket, and you had to make any extras you needed. Drinking water usually froze, and it was hard to work and maintain a healthy body temperature. As they talked, the trolls patrolled the camp, keeping order.
Lunch was some kind of soup, containing carrots, potatoes, and some kind of meat. It was bland, but edible. The same went with dinner; Rachel could do much better. Dinner was an attempt at a taco, but as soon as Rachel picked it up the flour shell broke and it turned into a messy taco salad.

A few weeks past, and Rachel adjusted more and more to camp life. She was picking up sticks in the forest for a fire when Troy and his 2 friends walked up, and told her something that would change her life.
“We know of a way out!” they exclaimed.
Rachel snorted. “There is no way out,”
“Yes there is!” the blue unicorn insisted.
“No there isn’t. How do you know?”
“We had a sign,”
“What kind of sign?”
“A sign”
Rachel gave up. “OK, how do I get out?”
“We must find three magical items- a magical disk, golden banana, and a golden cheese cube,” the Pink one reported.
“Golden cheese cube?”
“Yes, golden cheese cube!”
It was odd, because Rachel actually believed them. “Ok, I’ll go with you on your journey to find…”
“The disk, golden cheese cube, and golden banana!”
“Right,”
“Are you ready to go then?” Troy asked.
“I guess so,” Rachel said, looking back in the direction of camp.
“Great!” Blue, Pink, and Troy chorused.
“First, we have to find the disk,” Pink said. “Its in the mountains,” Rachel remembered seeing looming mountains in the distance during her first day.
Rachel and the unicorns walked through the forest, and into the clearing Rachel first saw Troy and the others in. She could faintly see the outline of the mountains, and she wondered how long it would take to get thee by foot. By sun high, Rachel was tired and could barely walk. The leather shoes were rubbing her feet raw, as they were not made for long-distance walking.
“Want a ride?” Blue asked, realizing Rachel was slowing.
“Sure, thanks,” Rachel panted as she pushed herself up onto Blue’s back.
“Not a problem,” He replied.
“I thought you didn’t like us, err, Blah Blah Blahs,”
“We don’t like most of them,” Blue said. “Once they see us, they usually try to catch us. Your not like all the others. Besides,” Blue swished his tail to shoo away some flies. “The sign we had included you,”
“We better get that disk before the sun goes down,” Troy said. “Lets gallop,” With that, the three unicorns sped towards the mountains, and Rachel clung on for dear life. She relaxed as she settled into the smooth rocking-horse motion. The wind blew through her hair, and they slowed down to a trot as they started up the ominous slope with rock piles scattered throughout, supposedly where the disk was.
“This is the one,” Pink stopped at a large pile with several large boulders scattered in the mix. “Rachel, hop down and look for it,”
Rachel dismounted and turned over rocks. Her hands bled as sharp rocks pierced her skin, and she was about to give up as she heaved a heavy granite boulder out of the way. There, under the rock, was a golden disk! She picked it up, and wiped away the dirt that covered a large sapphire in the middle. The disk was more like a dinner plate; it was larger than her hand, with fancy designs.
“I found it!” she shouted. She stumbled over rocks towards the unicorns, and showed them the disk- the first piece of the puzzle that would get her back home.
“Put it around my neck,” Troy lowered his head and Rachel clipped it on. “We have to get back to low ground before night falls. It gets bitterly cold up here,” Rachel climbed back on Blue, and he instructed her to lean back as they went downhill. It was dark by the time they reached level ground again, and they fell asleep next to a peach tree for the night(I don't think you need this last part.).

In the morning, Rachel satisfied her stomach acids (odd phrase--Maybe you could say 'satisfy her hunger'?)by eating some peaches, and they continued on. Fittingly, the golden banana was located in the heart of the money temple, in the middle of the jungle. Rachel caught some extra z’s on the way, but it was difficult because she kept slipping off the side of Blue.
With a bruised shoulder, Rachel decided to just ride. It seemed like they trekked to the jungle forever, and Rachel was relieved once they entered it. Troy tripped on a vine and Rachel fell off as Blue spooked.
“What was that for?” Rachel snapped.
“Sorry I thought I saw a tiger,”
“Whatever,“ Rachel muttered. They came across a monkey statue, and knew that the temple was close. After another five minutes, they found a large structure with two bigger statues guarding it. They wearily entered, and Rachel sneezed as a cobweb covered his nose. The light came in from holes in the ceiling, and it was only just enough to enable them to see the passageway. There were markings on it, like hieroglyphs. They included monkeys, bananas, tigers, pegasai, centaurs, dragons, phoenixes, and other mythical creatures Rachel hoped they wouldn’t run into.
They reached a chamber, and in the middle of it was a pedestal. It was lit up by a large hole in the ceiling, and on it lay a golden banana. Rachel nervously dismounted and walked up to it. She carefully took the banana off, and braced herself for flying arrows like in Indiana Jones, but there were none. The banana was cold, and she ran back to the waiting unicorns.
Relieved, and amazed that she was still alive, Rachel clutched the banana as they trotted out into the jungle again. Night was falling, and a storm was brewing. Thunder boomed overhead, and it started pouring down rain. They slept in the temple, not wanting to get wet. With the steady pitter patter of the rain in the temple, Rachel drifted off to sleep while Troy kept watch.

They woke up early in the morning and headed out to find the last item, the golden cheese cube. Where it was Rachel didn’t know, but Pink assured her that they knew where it was. They walked through the jungle, avoiding the vines and spiders. The air was humid, and soon Rachel was dripping sweat and miserable. All of a sudden, they heard a loud screech and the thud of footsteps. Startled, Rachel whirled around a wished she hadn’t.
There, about 500 feet away and running towards them, was a giant bird. The emu! Rachel thought. She grabbed enough mane if Blue as the bolted(I understand what you're trying to say, but this sentence doesn't make much sense. Is it supposed to be something like 'She grabbed onto Blue's mane to make sure she wouldn't fall off as they shot through the jungle') and shot through the jungle. Rachel heard the emu call out behind her, and it was gaining on them.
“Wait! I’m not the emu! I’m a magical kiwi! I have the golden cheese cube! Wait!”
The unicorns skidded to a halt, and turned around to face the so-called kiwi. It was massive, about 18 feet tall and had a bluish tint to its feathers. It held out a wing, and sure enough, sitting in it was a golden cube. Rachel didn’t know why it was called golden ‘cheese cube’ when it was just a golden cube.
“Really?“ Rachel asked.
“Really!” the kiwi insisted.
Rachel dismounted Blue and he moved away to join Troy and Pink. She had to stand of tiptoes to reach the cube in the kiwi’s outstretched wing. She took thje small cube, and stood there dumbly. The kiwi then turned around and thundered away without another word.
“That was odd,” Pink remarked.
“Yes it was,” Rachel turned to Troy. “This is it, isn’t it? The final piece of the puzzle,”
“Yes, it is,”
“What do we do now?”
“Take the disk off of me,” Troy directed and Rachel did so. “OK, now look at it very closely…”
“I see it! A slot shaped like a banana and one like a square!”
“Yep” Troy said. “Once you put the pieces in the right slots, poof you're home to the world of the Blah Blah Blahs.
“Wow,” Rachel trembled with the thought of finally heading home. First, she put in the banana. As she got ready to put the cube into place, she turned to the unicorns. “Thank you guys. I’ll never forget you,” Rachel hated to admit it, but she had tears welling in her eyes. They were a mix for joy and sadness, leaving her new friends behind but going home to her old. She put the last piece in, and in an odd poof was back in her home, standing in front of the window that had gotten her in this whole mess. The curtains were blowing, and the window was wide open. Rachel slammed it shut.
She sighed and slumped on a wall. How was she going to explain this to her boss, friends, and husband? I’ll think of something, she assured herself. [/i]I’ll think of something.[/i]

~Twenty years later~

It was stifling hot; six-year-old Timmy was playing in his bedroom with his action figures. He opened the window, and saw his best friend strolling to his house, heading down the driveway. Anxious to see him, Timmy climbed out the window.
He found himself in a forest unknown, and it definitely wasn’t his front yard. All he saw was trees, and nobody. Not even his dog, skipper, who followed him around everywhere. He warily walked through the woods, and after quite a ways he found a old, tattered pair of women’s shoes. He heard a rustling behind him, and screamed out in surprise. There, staring at him was 3 unicorns.
“Welcome,” they said. “To Mystical Forest,”


This sounds a lot like the sort of stories I wrote when I was younger. I also have one about unicorns, a new world and a quest for strange objects. Anyways...I like the basic premise of the story but the quest part seemed really rushed. If you are still wanting to work on this story further I would suggest that you try to expand the quest and made the objects harder to get. After all, if being able to get out of this world is so rare, finding the objects to get out should be equally difficult. I've tried to mark the places where there are numbers that should be changed to words and places where you used a comma before 'and' but I'm not sure I caught all of them. Overall, interesting concept that could be expanded further. I like how you brought the story around full circle at the end by having the child go through the same window.
  





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Sun Oct 24, 2010 12:50 am
tuckerluvr says...



emmily wrote:but the quest part seemed really rushed. .


I totally agree, now that you pointed it out. It was late at night when I had to finish it before the due date, and my brain wasn't picking out that.
the purposes of a man's heart are deep waters but a man of understanding draws them out

- Proverbs 20:5
  








The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price