Young Writers Society

I’ve been broken
I’ve been beaten
I’ve been left
bruised and bleeding
this pain is yet another hurt
another strife
another tear to fall

I’ve seen dark waters
dancing in the eyes
of those close to my heart
I’ve tried to help
I’ve tried to save them
but still in there eyes
is another tear to fall

I’ve heard the breaking
of my little sisters heart
her mind so young
her love so pure
I’ve whipped away so many tears
but still there’s always
another tear to fall

I’ve read the words
of those that suffer beside me
of those that walk along side me
searching for a safe haven
a place to learn and share
and even with this place found
there is always another tear to fall

thats really good it shows alot of feeling

SilentRain wrote:I’ve been broken
I’ve been beaten
I’ve been left
bruised and bleeding
this pain is yet another hurt
another strife
another tear to fall

I’ve seen dark waters
dancing in the eyes
of those close to my heart
I’ve tried to help
I’ve tried to save them
but still in their eyes
is another tear to fall

I’ve heard the breaking
of my little sister's heart
her mind so young
her love so pure
I’ve wiped away so many tears
but still there’s always
another tear to fall

I’ve read the words
of those that suffer beside me
of those that walk along side me
searching for a safe haven
a place to learn and share
and even with this place found
there is always another tear to fall

I bolded the words that I grammatically corrected.
My favorite stanza was this:
"I’ve seen dark waters
dancing in the eyes
of those close to my heart
I’ve tried to help
I’ve tried to save them
but still in their eyes
is another tear to fall"

Hey there SilentRain! Flow here as requested.

The first thing that I noticed about this poem was your flow. You have a nice flow going until you get to the fourth or fifth line in the stanza. A period to make a stop so it could continue would sound better. I also noticed your lack of punctuation. I suppose you did this on purpose, but some punctuation would fit nicely in this poem. I'm not saying a huge amount, but enough to send us on the right track with your flow. It could almost be a lyric poem if you wanted it to be. So anyway, on to the poem.

SilentRain wrote:I’ve been broken
I’ve been beaten
I’ve been left
bruised and bleeding Either a comma or period would fit good here.
this pain is yet another hurt
another strife
another tear to fall.Also another tear to fall kind of breaks up the flow. It also gets repetitive over time.

I’ve seen dark waters
dancing in the eyes
of those close to my heart.
I’ve tried to help This seems like a very abrupt stop here. I think if you reworded it and made the next line shorter it would sound better.
I’ve tried to save them,
but still in there eyes
is another tear to fall.

I’ve heard the breaking
of my little sisters heart
her mind so young
her love so pure.This seems a bit random in the poem. All you talked about at first was tears, and now you bring a person into the story. I would fill a stanza with something to lead up to this.
I’ve whipped away so many tears Wiped, and a comma.
but still there’s always
another tear to fall.This is where that line sounds good.

I’ve read the words
of those that suffer beside me,
of those that walk along side me.
searching for a safe haven I would put, They Search for a safe haven, instead. I think it sounds better.
a place to learn and share,
and even with this place found
there is always another tear to fall

Ok, so yes I liked it, but the decision to leave out the punctuation wasn't a good one. It messes with your flow, and makes it hard for the reader to understand. I think adding that and making a couple of other adjustments, and this will sparkle.

I hope I helped. Can't wait to read more from you.

-Flow-

Hi
That was great, really emotional. I think the first paragraph was the worst, It had to much bland description of being hurt and I feel like that's already been done. It took a minute for me to under stand. Maybe write I'm not alone somewhere near the start to make it easier to understand that this person is experiencing something that she shares. My favorite is the last paragraph, it's so happy yet sad.

Hi SilentRain,

Like all your other pieces, this was great. And based on someof your other works, you've often told your readers how you write poems on how your feeling and what goes on in your life. So I can understand there is real truth in your words here. I absolutely love your confidence to pour out all your emotions on a page (or digitally) and you are very open to share your feelings with everyone. That is so great to see in a writer, because we know we can connect with you. Beautifully written and full of deep inner-meaning and true heart.

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

I thought this was good. It's emotional without being too dramatic, and the ending is bittersweet. I think you could improve it perhaps by adding in something that is a bit more specific - exactly what are the bad things? Nothing too specific because then it would be so personal to you that nobody else would be able to relate to it, but just a little something to give us more of an idea. I like your use of repetition and the poem flowed well, so good job.

Hi!
I was immediatly drawn to the poem because of the title.
Here are some words about it:

I’ve been broken
I’ve been beaten
I’ve been left
bruised and bleedingyou speak the truth, we have all been there
this pain is yet another hurt
another strife
another tear to fall
I’ve seen dark waters
dancing in the eyes
of those close to my heart
I’ve tried to help
I’ve tried to save them
but still in there eyes
is another tear to fall
I’ve heard the breaking
of my little sisters heart
her mind so young
her love so pure"her loves so pure" very nice
I’ve whipped away so many tears
but still there’s always
another tear to fall
I’ve read the words
of those that suffer beside me
of those that walk along side me
searching for a safe haven
a place to learn and share
and even with this place found
there is always another tear to fallthe perfect ending to a perfet poem

I really love the way you write, very creative and sweet.
I hope to read more poems like this from you.
Thank you for posting it!

I really liked this, it was a great poem and though I do think another verse or two would have fitted well with it, it did keep me reading to the end and I think it flowed pretty well. It kept me reading.
I like the imagery in it and the detail was well placed, I felt part of it, beautiful.
Overall a great poem.
Well done!