Beautiful Inside, Ugly Outside

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Points: 1354
Reviews: 140

Thu Oct 14, 2010 2:31 am

SilentRain says...

Another older work... What do you think??

We paint our skins beautiful
with arts of ink
rings and studs

We paint our outside beautiful
with make-up and hair dye
clothes and jewelry

We paint our faces beautiful
with fake smiles
masquerading the ugly truth

We paint ourselves beautiful
but inside we’re broken
shattered bits of glass

Inside we’re ugly
scared and poisoned
by lies and deset

Inside we hold demons
that ripe and tear
destroying everything in site

Inside we bottle up insanity
never once wondering
about effect

We paint our outsides beautiful
while inside we’re dying
a slow unhappy death

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Theres always a rainbow after the Rain!!!!!!!

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Points: 6826
Reviews: 34

Thu Oct 14, 2010 5:11 pm

Valentine says...

Here as requested:

with arts of ink

This does not make sense to me

that ripe and tear

"ripe" should be rip I think.

Overall I liked the poem. I always let my dark side out a little in poetry myself, so this sounded good to me. The biggest thing sense there aren't any other obvious errors is to ignore any other reviews you get because poetry should be completely unique to the writer, and their isn't any changes unless their are based on opinion unlike other writing. Good job, sorry this review isn't that good, poetry is tough for me.

"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

-My Bloody Valentine Reviews-

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Points: 1040
Reviews: 18

Thu Oct 14, 2010 6:39 pm

asweeney1919 says...

SilentRain wrote:Another older work... What do you think??

We paint our skins beautiful
with arts of ink
rings and studs

We paint our outside beautiful
with make-up and hair dye
clothes and jewelry

We paint our faces beautiful
with fake smiles
masquerading the ugly truth

We paint ourselves beautiful
but inside we’re broken
shattered bits of glass

Inside we’re ugly
scared and poisoned
by lies and deset

Inside we hold demons
that ripe and tear
destroying everything in site

Inside we bottle up insanity
never once wondering
about effect

We paint our outsides beautiful
while inside we’re dying
a slow unhappy death

i loved it but i think it could use a little work

Gender:

Points: 12611
Reviews: 321

Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:49 pm

Flower~Child says...

Flower here as requested! Thank you for the request! FIrst of all I want to say I liked this. It isn't anything really new though. I have heard this concept in other poems before, and you didn't make anything really stand out. The way you wrote this has some flow problems. I will point those out below if you wanna try and fix it. You also have no punctuation, this is very distracting in a poem. It makes the reader work more to find where the writer is breaking and so on. I would suggest adding some, but it's up to you.

We paint our skins beautiful Why is skin plural here? It doesn't seem nessecary.
with arts of ink This didn't really make sense to me. It sounds pretty, but has no meaning.
rings and studs This interupts with the flow here. I would continue with the use of the work of here, and change the wording. I'm not really sure what I would make of it though. Then again you repeat the same kind of things throughout the poem, so it could work out.

We paint our outside beautiful I like this line better.
with make-up and hair dye
clothes and jewelry These words just seem to cliche'. They are so old and uncolorful. Add some description to this.

We paint our faces beautiful
with fake smiles
masquerading the ugly truth This is where you change from using the word and, like the lines above, which changes the poem completely to me. If you are going to use and as much as you did before I would stick with it. Otherwise, I would fix the words above.

We paint ourselves beautiful
but inside we’re broken
shattered bits of glass I like these two lines, but again they are old and cliche'. Think of something new to add to this peice.

Inside we’re ugly
scared and poisoned I don't know what being poisoned has to do with being broken. It's like you just threw in a cool word, but it didn't end up working out.

Inside we hold demons
that ripe and tear
destroying everything in site Here you add demons, what are these demons? Go into further detail here.

Inside we bottle up insanity This line seems more original.
never once wondering
about effect

We paint our outsides beautiful
while inside we’re dying
a slow unhappy death[/quote]

Ok. So as you can see I pointed out what I found that needed work. I think you need to add some color, and demension to this poem. Right now it doesn't have any. I also think you need to be more original with it. Add some metaphors to it to make it pop! Other than that it was nice.
I hope I helped.

-Flow-

My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.

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Points: 8890
Reviews: 191

Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:36 am

carbonCore says...

Spoiler! :

You will find my review in the spoiler above. My comments are in red text.

Other than what I highlighted above, a large problem with this poem is that it doesn't clearly identify the "we". It cannot be all-encompassing; while it may apply to certain people, others might beautify themselves just because they want to look good.

The poem is a little one-toned - the lack of punctuation (and therefore excitement about the subject) gives a hint that you're not at all happy with people decorating themselves, which sort of ruins the ending. The ending, in particular, drags on a bit with describing how horrible it is to hide ourselves underneath all the fake beauty. It would be a much fresher, much more effective poem if you wrote 4 stanzas sounding like a door-to-door make-up sales representative glorifying the wonders of making yourself look good, then cut 5, 6, 7, and wrote 8 with the same upbeat feel as the first 4. THAT would be a slam-whack ending: the change of subject at the end obviously changes the tone, but the same upbeat feel would make it seem like we think it's perfectly OK that we're dying a slow, unhappy death. And that'd be true - everyone who hides demons with beauty knows that the demons are there, they just choose not to do anything about it.

I cannot say whether I liked this or not. The poem has staggering potential, but that potential is not realized to the extent that it could have been. I suppose an easier way to say it would be to say that I like the concept, but not the execution.

Good luck.

P. S. I do like the line "We paint our skins beautiful // with arts of ink", that sounds like tattooing

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Points: 1199
Reviews: 17

Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:46 am

DannielleLovesong says...

That was amazing! I understand the feelings behind it, well at least the feelings I feel when I read it. You are an amazing writer.

I would've liked to see a little punctuation but still, it was an amazing poem none the less.

~Dannielle~

"If you don't see a door, make a door. If you can't make a door, make a window." --Alondra de la Perra
"Don't change the music, let the music change you." --Brittany Bearden

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Points: 923
Reviews: 51

Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:08 am

popatemyheart1994 says...

Hi my names matt and pop ate my heart. I'll be reviewing this for you today! Just to say this poem really caught my ye, so I hope you like my review and you find it helpful, but I haven't much to criticise, haha.

SilentRain wrote:Another older work... What do you think??

We paint our skins beautiful I like this line, simple
with arts of ink
rings and studs I can picture this in my mind, nice imagry

We paint our outside beautiful Again with the simple lines as if your making a stab at superficiality, which I like
with make-up and hair dye
clothes and jewelryI love this stanza, it is as if your stripping away all the elements of what most people today think is important like looks and clothes

We paint our faces beautiful
with fake smiles
masquerading the ugly truth I love this because I can connect with it. I love being able to associate with a poem

We paint ourselves beautiful
but inside we’re broken
shattered bits of glassI like the metaphors and imagry. Again I can resonate with what your saying

Inside we’re ugly
scared and poisoned
by lies and desetyou spelt deceipt wrong but what the hell, its a good stanza!

Inside we hold demons
that ripe and tearNot a good speller are you? thats not important tho, spelling mistake can be fixed, but I love the imagry and how dramatic it is
destroying everything in site

Inside we bottle up insanity
never once wondering
about effectAgain it is as if you wrote this for me haha!

We paint our outsides beautiful
while inside we’re dying
a slow unhappy death

Loved this!
Well for one I thought your poem was actually amazing! Well done! I could connect with it and resonate with it on a deep level which is always important to me. I ike the theme of the poem, and your use of metapor is astounding, especially the demonic reference, I love reading poems like yours, it reall highlights what most, if not all teens are going through and your apealing directly to your target audience. Well done again! I will keep an eye out for more of your work, your talented! Keep it up!
poP aTe mY hEaRtxx

Im the best

Gender:

Points: 3354
Reviews: 111

Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:25 am

Kwantack says...

Lovely! Truly amazing! People these days NEED to read this. I really enjoyed this. You should probably add some punctuation, though. I loved it! Keep writing!

"The only bad ideas are the ones never tried." - Puck, The Sisters Grimm

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Points: 9100
Reviews: 319

Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:26 pm

Jashael says...

SilentRain wrote:We paint our skins beautiful
with arts of ink
rings and studs

We paint our outside beautiful I'm really not a fan of the word "outside". It think the first stanza and this stanza can be exchanged.
with make-up and hair dye
clothes and jewelry

We paint our faces beautiful
with fake smiles
masquerading the ugly truth

We paint ourselves beautiful
but inside we’re broken
shattered bits of glass

Inside we’re ugly
scared and poisoned
by lies and deset I think this is "deceit"?

Inside we hold demons
that ripe I'm not familiar with the verb "ripe"; is this rip?and tear
destroying everything in site

Inside we bottle up insanity
never once wondering
about effect

We paint our outsides beautiful
while inside we’re dying
a slow unhappy death

Hey, Rain! Happy to review for you again! Here's the thing, I like the theme of this poem, but the flow isn't that good like your other works. I know, I know, each work should be unique. But this seems to be lacking your style, Rain. I don't know. I've read your other works. I love the way you apply rhythm in your poetry. But this seems to lack that.

I like the last two stanzas the most though. Not only because it ties up everything, but because "effect" and "death" kind of are slightly imperfect rhymes. I'd like this more if you can apply that subtle rhyme scheme effect to all of the stanzas.

My other comments were in bold format.

This can be improved, Rain. I believe in your abilities. I'm a fan really. =)) Hope this helps!

Keep writing! =)

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

—C.S. LEWIS

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Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

Mon Oct 18, 2010 3:10 pm

Sins says...

Heya SilentRain.

I'm here to review this, at last! Sorry I've taken longer than I normally do; I had a pile of requests, so I had to get a few others done before yours. Now, as for this poem! I've noticed that you don't usually use grammar in your poems. I don't know whether this is on purpose, but I think it might be. I'll still fix any grammatical nit-picks, but if you don't want to include grammar in your poems, then just let me know and I'll stop nit-picking your grammar... xD

We paint our skins beautiful
with arts of ink,
rings and studs.

Woop! My usenrame!

I thought that the opening line for this was really great, by the way. I loved the descriptive beginning stanza you've used.

We paint our outside beautiful
with make-up and hair dye,
clothes and jewelry.

We paint our faces beautiful
with fake smiles
masquerading the ugly truth.

We paint ourselves beautiful,
but inside, we’re broken
shattered bits of glass.

Inside we’re ugly,
scared and poisoned
by lies and deceit.

Not everyone is... I'm personally not that scared, poisoned, and ugly inside. I don't think... :lol:

Inside we hold demons
that ripe and tear,
destroying everything in site.

Technically you said that demons were ripe as in the kind fruit is when they're nice to eat... Ripe fruit is tasty. I like the twisted imagery in this though, by the way.

Inside we bottle up insanity,
never once wondering
about effect.

We paint our outsides beautiful
while inside we’re dying
a slow, unhappy death.

Overall

As a whole, this was a good poem, SilentRain. I especially loved the imagery you created in it. It was vivid, original, and it kept the mood of the poem throughout it. I especially loved the way you opened this poem, and not just because my username was in the first line... There was just something about it that I really liked. Another thing I very much enjoyed about this piece was the theme of it overall, even if I kind of thought it was edging on melodramatic. You create some lovely metaphors in this, so I'm glad to see that you've been using them well. As for the grammar thing... I'm not sure if you purposely use grammar, but yeah... I did some punctuation nit-picks for you anyway. :lol:

My main critique is something that carboncore actually said. I found it kind of... harsh? to say that basically everyone are lying, poisoned souls inside. Well, I think you meant everyone when you said we. If this poem was based on, say, criminals, for example, I'd be fine with the we thing. Considering you didn't specify anyone in particular and used the word we, it made me feel as though you were talking about me along with everyone else. Let's face it, even though spreading the word that everyone is evil, lonely, and sad inside is fun, that's not reality. Not everyone is full of lies an deceit. I'm not, anyway... I'm a pretty happy person with no inner demons.

Even if you simply change the we's to something like Some of us paint our skins beautiful with arts of ink... e.t.c. Obviously fitting into whatever the sentence is. Sorry if that makes no sense... xD I think you get the idea.

Except for that little hiccup, I can't really see much else to say about this. I'm bad at poetry critiques as it is... You've got plenty of good critiques, so all that you need to do is to take into consideration what they've said, and polish this poem up a bit. This has the potential to be really great! Sorry for the dodgy review...

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I didn't know what to put here so I put this.

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Points: 1040
Reviews: 18

Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:55 pm

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asweeney1919 says...

SilentRain wrote:Another older work... What do you think??

We paint our skins beautiful
with arts of ink
rings and studs

We paint our outside beautiful
with make-up and hair dye
clothes and jewelry

We paint our faces beautiful
with fake smiles

We paint ourselves beautiful
but inside we’re broken
shattered bits of glass

Inside we’re ugly
scared and poisoned
by lies and deset

Inside we hold demons
that ripe and tear
destroying everything in site

Inside we bottle up insanity
never once wondering
about effect

We paint our outsides beautiful
while inside we’re dying
a slow unhappy death

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