z

Young Writers Society


Rhealism part 1



User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 2977
Reviews: 25
Mon Oct 11, 2010 7:20 am
cannoncomplex says...



A week after Cero was partnered with Francesca, they received their first mission: hunting Rheal. Cero was unsurprised about this, because he knew that two weeks ago, Rheal had attacked a clothing factory in Queens Drive. At that time, Cero was detained because he had been suspected for cooperating with Rheal but, fortunately for him, all suspicions faded when Rheal murdered a general messenger four days later. That was a shock basically because general messengers ranked higher than he was. They managed the whole messenger population while the messengers themselves, managed the entire zombie population.
So here he was, three weeks later, in Eastbourne. Formerly a coastal suburb, the whole town was transformed into a mass producing metropolis. The whole town was run by zombies that were under the control by the local general messenger. Hundreds worked within factories stacked against each other. They were situated near the mountain, while as the shores were composed of scattered private apartments, retail shops and pubs.
At the end of their first week, Cero found his housekeeper on the entrance of a garment factory. A zombie with the body of an elderly woman, she had her right eye gouged out. There were twelve others surrounding her, all shared the same fate. He passed them, noticing a small group of messengers. They began to carry the bodies to the nearest morgue, to replace the parasites that were taken away. He knew that each of these zombies possessed a parasitic-like organ inside their eye that allowed a messenger like himself to control them.
Cero expected it from Rheal. With the seventy percent of the whole region populated by zombies, he swore that she’ll have one hell of a feast, but not everything is as simple as what it seemed. He understood that lesson when he was interrogated as to why he had not taken Rheal’s fake death seriously. The whole entanglement was partly his fault, and the situation would worsen if he wouldn’t place a new parasite into the zombies. There was no way that he would stand in front of the board council to explain why he had let out a miniature Dawn of the Dead into Eastbourne.
Cero turned his gaze inside the factory. The zombies, possibly fifty of them, that weren't attacked continued sewing. Each one worked on a particular design of garment, working twenty hours non-stop. From Rheal's attack, some of them began to slow, while a few paused for brief seconds.
“Cero!” he looked up at a general messenger on a platform two floors up. Cero can tell by the six fleshy wings that were stretched out from his back. He wore a blue suits with a tie decorated with a logo of the band, ACDC. “When will you actually work and catch your bloody partner? The production in Eastbourne had decreased by 5% thanks to her. If you don't commit to your mission, I will have you detained! I trust that you remember solitary confinement!”
“No worries,” He waved back, puffing a ring of smoke. “We'll catch her in no time. Francesca's back home doing research, and I'm here checking the recent attack. Based on the attack, I was right that the attacks had decreased. This noon, there was another attack and the number of bodies were three more than this one.”
“That doesn't prove anything! I'll sue your ass off if our zombies are constantly being attacked. We don't want the Ruin's reputation to be destroyed again! Don't forget that most of the zombies are the bodies of those who died from the outbreak thirty years ago -”
“But we provide 30% of the total economy of the entire country.” Cero interrupted, placing both hands on his pocket. “The rest of the public may complain their ass off, but we're cleaning our reputation with this mass production. As for Rheal, don't worry. You can trust me, sir. I know Rheal unlike anyone else. ”
“I hope that you don't lag again. I was pissed when it was reported that you spent three days shopping.”
“Hey, hey, I'm innocent in that one. That was my partner's idea. She was and is still a noob in our special...”
“And you obeyed her!” The general messenger snarled angrily. “You’re supposed to be the leader not an escort! Had you forgotten that you had been a given a chance to redeem yourself, Cero! It was just out of pity that we decided against public execution because you were her partner for ten years. Now get out of here and catch Rheal!”
'What about the interview?”
“I'll take care of it!”
Cero stiffened as the messenger walked off, shutting the door loudly behind him. Cero couldn’t argue against him. He was a general messenger, he thought, a rank second closest to the city mayor, Cancabrina. Cero puffed a ring of smoke from his mouth. He noticed something glittering under his housekeeper's clothes. He looked around briefly. There were five to ten messengers that were busy lifting the corpses to a truck. If the corpses wouldn’t get their annual parasite, they would either disintegrate or turn into monsters. Cero would be glad for the former to happen, but he was gladder that none of them saw him ripping out the necklace from her neck.
Cero placed the jewellery under his overcoat. It was rare to find a zombie with jewellery. Before the zombies were used as workers, they had been stripped of their clothes, and any jewellery was taken away. But that does not mean that each check was thorough. Whether the necklace well hidden or that someone must have placed it on the zombie didn’t matter since this would easily cost a fortune. He walked out of the factory, grinning to himself before spreading his wings from his back and headed back to his apartment.

“Welcome back,” Francesca greeted him along with the smell of fresh sizzling bacon. Cero shut the door behind him. He took off his overcoat, placing the knickknacks on a porcelain container, facing her. She wore a red singlet and pink jeans decorated with puppies. Her hair was tied in a bun. Francesca looked back at him raising a spatula to the air.
“I'm cooking bacon for dinner.” she said raising a spatula to the air.
“Suit yourself.” Cero replied, as he dragged himself to a zebra stripped sofa, resting his legs on a coffee table. “I found the body of our housekeeper. It seemed Rheal had dinner as well. She had six zombies for breakfast, sixteen at lunch and thirteen for dinner.”
“That's a little sad.” Francesca hummed to herself, moving her hips side to side. Cero gazed at her. They could always order a zombie cook to make them dinner, but Francesca seemed satisfied to cook. He took out a cigarette from his breast pocket, and tucked it between his lips. It has been more than month since Rheal had faked her own death.
A lot had happened, mostly aggressively against him from the accusation by the general council to his partnership with Francesca. It hadn’t been fault. He had predicted that Rheal’s time had arrived and obeyed her to leave her alone, unknowingly faking her death on the process. Yet, his obedience hadn’t worked well and this mission was the only way to redeem himself but no matter how hard-seriously hard- he tried, he had not made any significant clues of her whereabouts, even the parasite of a deceased general messenger was not detected. Cero was simply at awe how determined Rheal was to avoid capture.
“You hungry,” Cero looked up abruptly at Francesca who offered him a toasted bacon with melted cheese, tomato and chilli sauce. He thanked her, scooting to the side for her.
“You know what; I think we should take a break.” Francesca stretched her long tan legs to the coffee table. “After a week in Eastbourne, we should take a day off, go shopping, go to the beach, or hang out with the local messengers that often hang out in the pubs by Marine Parade.
Cero wiped the sauce from his mouth, staring at her briefly. He wondered if she did what he told her. Definitely not, probably, she was always the unreliable partner, who unlike Rheal was never serious with anything. A newcomer from Kingston, Cero always wondered why the council had chosen her as his partner. She could have been labelled as useless if she didn't have the strange ability of coming up with excellent ideas without a moment of thinking.
“Hey Cero...,” she continued as she rested an elbow on his shoulder. “...How about we head to the vineyard near Pencarrow head?”
“That far...” He swallowed. “...there's a vineyard at Pencarrow?”
“Sure, don't you know? When we went to the pub last night, I had been chatting with a local messenger who witnesses a messenger hanging around the Orongorongo River.”
“That guy was drunk.”
“Maybe, but what if he's right? Rheal might be there. We can't risk losing an opportunity like this.” Francesca faced him, licking the sauce from her slender fingers. “Should we go to the vineyard tomorrow? I heard that there's a small village that sells excellent Pinot Noir wine.”
“You know what I think,” He took a cigarette, pressing himself against the sofa. “I think that you should thank me. It was my idea that we should go to the pub last night. It was my idea that we should have something else rather than your bacon. I am pissed off of having bacon every night. You're just lucky that I can't cook, Francesca! So in essence, your idea is my idea. I am the precursor of all your ideas!”
There was a pause.
“Besides...” Cero broke the silence. “...what about the corpses? After Rheal had attacked them, we need to place a new parasite unless we want to eat zombie brains for dinner. The local general messenger is no longer putting parasites into inactive zombies. It's our responsibility to call the nearest messenger management office.”
“No worries,” Francesca answered, voice seemed to shake. “I had sent an email to them. We don't want Cancibrana's control over this area to weaken right? If that happens, then this place would be a ghost town. It's a shame since Eastbourne provides quality jewellery and the finest clothes around for a casual price of $ 8.99. Even the French love it they even went to our region for a tour.”
“Did they see our zombies?”
“No way, Cero, you know that foreigners aren’t allowed to see our zombies not even our own country men. They all thought that the people who were infected were dead. Just imagine the controversy if our secret leaks to the general public.”
Cero grunted to himself placing both arms behind his neck as Francesca excused herself. She grabbed both their plates before heading to the kitchen. He placed a cigarette by his lips. She felt a little for her but there was nothing else he could do. He had let her make the decisions during their first three weeks and it went disastrous. The council found out of her shopping spree, and he was reprimanded for not being serious with the mission. He was punished for twelve hours in solitary confinement, while Francesca was simply scolded.
“You want some? It'll be a good drink for tonight's show.” Francesca returned, holding a Chardonnay wine bottle, and two wine glasses.
“What's on?” He exhaled.
“Glee,” She smiled, taking out the remote beside the cushions. “You want to give Glee a try, Cero? I promised that it’s a good show.”
“What, with all the happy singing and melodrama? I don't think so. You should try watching murder shows for a while. That will help in our mission. I saw a few episodes of C.S.I, and I swear that I felt my detective nerves tingling. I'll plan to watch Bones, homicide report and that new show, Castle. Remember Francesca, we are here to solve, not to dance to silly music.”
“So you won't watch?” Francesca poured her wine glass to the rim.
“All I want is a good night sleep. We're going to the vineyard tomorrow, just as I had planned. We need as much time as possible to search for her, and don't expect me to carry your luggage again. I did that last time, and I had to visit the doctor after a week of back pain.” He pushed himself to his feet. He took out the cigarette from his mouth, and rubbed it against the ashtray. “Other than that, I'll see you tomorrow. You can cook your bacon, if you want.”
“Good night,” Francesca said. He looked back at her, simmering her wine glass just as the opening music of Glee entered his ears. He shivered as he grabbed his overcoat followed by the porcelain container that contained the diamond necklace, before he headed to the third floor.
Last edited by cannoncomplex on Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:30 am, edited 5 times in total.
Lain Iwakura: If you're not remembered, then you never existed.
  





User avatar
75 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5950
Reviews: 75
Mon Oct 11, 2010 10:45 am
Maddy says...



Hey cannon, it's Maddy here, happy to return a favour. ;)

Okay, so I'll go straight onto your grammar.
Nitpicks:
So here he was, three weeks later, in Eastbourne.

placing both hands in his pocket.

“When will you catch your bloody partner?

Besides, the number of attacks had decreased this week.”

Sure, most of the zombies were the bodies of those who died from the outbreak thrity years ago -”

“Suit yourself,” Cero replied,

“Hey Cero...,


Plot
You have a fantastic writing style, but I was completely confused in terms of where this was at and where this is going. I have a rough idea about this zombie thing, but I'm not even sure that I'm right. If this is going to be the start of your story, i would recommend against it.

Instead, maybe you could put in a prologue or something along those lines. Explain who this Rheal person is (I'm guessing the head of zombies?), and why it is so important to apprehend him.

[Ignore this next part if I've mistaken Cero and Francesca to be actual romantical partners]
I've loving Francesca at the moment; she seems really cool. But at the moment, there was really only one spark of chemistry between them. That is fine if you're going for less of a prominet romance, but otherwise, you could put in some quirky habits between the two to show it.

Send me a message if you have any further problems. :D
-Madz
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  





User avatar
191 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 8890
Reviews: 191
Mon Oct 11, 2010 1:32 pm
carbonCore says...



cannoncomplex wrote:A week after Cero was partnered with Francesca, they received their first mission: hunting Rheal. He was unsurprised. Who was unsurprised? Rheal? Two weeks before, Rheal had attacked a clothing factory in Queens Drive. Four days later, she had murdered a general messenger.

So here he was, three weeks later, in Eastbourne. Formerly a coastal suburb, the whole town was transformed into a mass producing metropolis with countless factories stacked beside each other.

His housekeeper, an elderly woman of seventy, lay before the entrance of a meat factory. Her right eye was gouged out, along with twelve others. Along with twelve other gouged out eyes? Be careful with your sentence subject

The parasite's gone, he exhaled. Did he say this out loud, sighing? Or did he exhale due to some mechanical action that occurs after the parasite is gone? As expected from Rheal. Does this refer to the fact that the parasite is gone, or something else? With 60% of the region ran by zombies, she'll have one hell of a feast. But it doesn't mean that this free meal has no side effects. So then it's not really free... :P

Cero turned his gaze inside the factory. The zombies that were working twenty hours nonstop were already slowing. A few of them paused for brief seconds, before they continued. You mentioned this is a meat factory, but what are they doing?There were already a couple of messengers taking away the slow-working zombies from the group.

“Cero!” a messenger called him, from a platform two floors up. “When will you catch your bloody partner? The production in Eastbourne had decreased by 5% thanks to her.”

“No worries,” He waved back. “We'll catch her on no time. Besides, the numbers of attacks had decreased this week.” If I were the messenger, I would call Cero out on this. The fact that the attacks decreased doesn't mean they won't increase again.

“I bet it is!What's this referring to? The numbers of attacks? It should be in plural if that is the case We don't want the Ruin's reputation to be ruined again! Sure, most of the zombies were "were"? what happened to them? didn't we see a few just a second ago? the bodies of those who died from the outbreak thirty years ago -”

“But we provide 30% of the total economy.” Of what? Eastbourne? New Zealand? Oceania? The world? Cero interrupted, placing both hands in his pocket. “I got you that one.” How does providing 30% of total economy connect to the fact that most of the zombies are bodies who died from the outbreak 30 years ago? Cero seems to be all defencive, although we don't find out why he is that way. Perhaps the messenger should have spoken for a little bit more?

The messenger paused briefly before he shut the door loudly. Cero stiffened from the moment, sighing. Well, I can't argue against him in that one, he thought. Cero puffed a ring of smoke from his mouth. He noticed something glittering under his housekeeper's clothes. He grinned, taking out a diamond necklace. He grinned, again? he just grinned in the last sentence placing the jewelry under his overcoat. It was often rare so was it often or was it rare? I'd get rid of "often" to find a zombie with jewelry. This one would cost a fortune. Unless, of course, the diamonds are not actually diamonds He walked out of the factory, and headed back to his apartment. Can't lose an opportunity like this.

“Welcome back,” Francesca greeted him along with the smell of fresh sizzling bacon intermixed with a fragrance of perfume. So Francesca greets smells of fresh sizzling bacon and fragrances of perfume? Cero shut the door behind him. He took off his overcoat, placing the knicknacks on a porcelein container. He faced her. She wore a red singlet and pink jeans decorated with puppies. Her hair was tied in a bun. Francesca looked back at him raising a spatula to the air.

“I'm cooking bacon for dinner,she said.

“Suit yourself.” Cero's not at all happy that he's getting dinner soon? I got the impression that these two were house-mates Cero replied, as he dragged himself to a zebra stripped sofa, resting his legs on a coffee table. “I found the body of our housekeeper. It seemed Rheal had dinner as well. She had six zombies for breakfast, eight at lunch and thirteen for dinner.”

“That's a little sad,” Francesca hummed to herself, moving her hips side to side. Cero gazed at her. They could always order a zombie cook to make them dinner, but Francesca seemed satisfied to cook. He took out a cigarette from his breast pocket, and tucked it between his lips.

It's been a month, he exhaled slowly. He exhaled "It's been a month"? Not sure how that's possible We've inspected the factories in Waterloo St., Woburn St. and the whole area of Wainuiomata. We've interviewed messenged, and brief hundreds of zombies. You're mixing first person narration and third person narration here, I would use "They've interviewed..." Yet, there was no sign of Rheal. Even after she took a general messenger, she can't be detected.

“You hungry?” Cero looked up. Francesca offered him a toasted bacon with melted cheese, tomato and chili sauce. He thanked her, as she joined him on the couch.

“I think we should take a break.” Francesca stretched her long tan legs to the coffee table. “After a week in Eastbourne, we should take a day off. We can go shopping, go to the beach, or hang out with the local messengers. I heard that there's a good restaurant by Marine Parade. They say that one of the cooks was well known in Wellington during the 1940's.”

Cero wiped the sauce from his mouth, staring at her briefly. He could remind her that their main mission was to hunt down Rheal. Then again, he was talking to Francesca. The same Francesca who spent two-thirds of her first pay check on clothes and food. The mission was delayed for three days because of her. She could have been a useless partner if she haven't got the strange ability of come up with excellent ideas without a moment of thinking.

“Hey Cero...she continued as she rested an elbow on his shoulder. “...How about we head to the vineyard near Pencarrow head?”

“That far...” He swallowed.

“When we went to the pub last night, I had been chatting with a local messenger who told me that there was a messenger hanging around the Orongorongo River.”

“That guy was drunk.”

“Maybe, but what if he's right? Rheal might be there.We can't risk to lose an opportunity like this.” Francesca faced him, licking the sauce from her slender fingers. “Should we go to the vineyard tomorrow? I heard that there's a small village that sells excellent Pinot Noir wine.”

“You know what I think,” he took a cigarrette, pressing himself against the sofa. He faced her, and held her chin with his index finger. “I think that you should thank me. It was my idea that we should go to the pub last night. It was my idea that we should have something else rather than your bacon. What's wrong with bacon? So in essence, your idea is my idea. I am the precursor of all your ideas!” He let go of her chin.

There was a pause. I thought he was being humorous. Does Francesca not think so then?

“Besides...” Cero broke the silence. “...what about the corpses lying on the street? We simply can't leave them. After Rheal had attacked them, we need to place a new parasite or else they'll disintegrate.” Are they STILL lying on the street? Isn't there a place to store dead bodies here? You know, a morgue?

“No worries,” Francesca answered, her voice lowered. Why did she lower her voice? Is putting parasites into zombies a crime? “I had sent an email to the messenger management office. We don't want Cancibrana's control over this area to weaken, right? If that happens, then this place would be a ghost town. It's a shame since Eastbourne provide quality jewelry and wool jackets.” "...and you can own it, too, for a low price of 99.99!..." In other words, that last bit there sounds like an advertisement rather than a casual statement.

Cero grunted to himself. He placed both arms behind his neck. Francesca excused herself. She grabbed both their plates, as she headed to the kitchen. He placed a cigarette by his lips. I must have hurt her feelings again.First person mix-up He bit his lip. What else was there to do? She simply can't butt her way against me. I was assigned leader of the mission, not her, so there was no way that she would have an advantage over me. and again

Francesca returned, minutes later, holding a Chardonnay wine bottle, and two wine glasses.

“You want some? It'll be a good drink for tonight's show.”

“What's on?” he exhaled. Your characters do a whole lot of exhaling in the story

“Glee,” She smiled, taking out the remote beside the cushions. “You want to give Glee a try, Cero? I promise that it's a good show.”

“What, with all the happy singing and melodrama? I don't think so. Try watching murder shows. That will help in our mission. How will it help them? We are here to solve, not to dance to silly music.”

“So you won't watch?” Francesca poured her wine glass to the rim.

“All I want is a good night's sleep. We're going to the vineyard tomorrow, just as I had planned. We need as much time as possible to search for her, and don't expect me to carry your luggage again. I did that last time, and I had to visit the doctor after a week of back pain.” He pushed himself to his feet. He took out the cigarette from his mouth, and rubbed it against the ashtray. “Other than that, I'll see you tomorrow. You can cook your bacon, if you want.”

“Good night,” Francesca said. He looked back at her, simmering her wine glass just as the opening music of Glee entered his ears. This made me imagine an anthropomorphic personification of music bravely striding into Cero's ear Cero grabbed his overcoat followed by the porcelain containerhe grabbed the porcelain container? What container is this? before he headed to the third floor.



If you find a word highlighted in red with no other comments beside it, that means I removed something next to that word. You'll also notice that I changed the format a little bit. The format in which you write is good for a book, but it's difficult to read such a wall of text on a computer screen. Now, as for the critique...

Good world, but no pacing. We see some evidence of something happening, but we don't actually see it taking place. Most of this story lets us see minute details while not really giving any clue as to what is the problem at large. Who is Rheal? Why are the messengers called "messengers" instead of, say, "foremen" or "controllers"? What happened 30 years ago? You gave very little information to keep the reader hooked (case in point: anybody can go to a tavern to talk with drunks, you could have covered that in one sentence, and spent the rest of the paragraph explaining the background for your particular world), and that's a problem, if you want people to keep reading past the first few pages. What I, personally, would love to read at the beginning is an action scene, or some bit of romance between Francesca and Cero, or anything at all that is powerful and gripping - the excitement from that and the craving for more will let me breeze through all of the dialogue the rest of the story is filled with.

I would like to see some action in the next part of the story, or, even better, I would like this part to be edited to have some action in it. Without seeing Rheal ripping open an innocent worker zombie and consuming its heart in a crazed feeding frenzy, I find it difficult to bring myself to care when the MCs (main characters) discuss catching her.

What I did enjoy was the world itself: the concept of a tamed, placid zombie is not new, but I have never seen them being used for workers en masse. The character of Francesca also intrigued me, as it seems that she's not really taking anything seriously. I like that kind of protagonist (as long as you don't overdo it and make her completely useless).

Best of luck.
_
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 2977
Reviews: 25
Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:29 pm
cannoncomplex says...



Thanks for the comments...

I apologized for the slow pacing of the story when there may be a potential for some action but i'm trying on a new style that focus on the incident than the characters.
Rather than focusing on what the characters are doing to the incident, it will be focus on what the incident is doing to the characters. So Francesca and Cero are not the only one involved with the Rheal incident but a broader spectrum. Each character have their own style and ways on how to react. That is why the pace of Rhealism may be a bit slow because that is how they react.

Future stories may be faster and have some action unlike this. Also I do not want to explain the entire context through the main characters but broaden it to others. That way, there will be different versions on what is actually the nature of the Rheal incident.
Lain Iwakura: If you're not remembered, then you never existed.
  





User avatar
321 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 12611
Reviews: 321
Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:34 am
Flower~Child says...



Hello there my friend, and thank you for the request! I am very sorry I took so long, I have been busy. Now then down to business.

The first thing that I noticed was the fact that you gave all of the location informatin in a spoiler. I really disliked this because I believe you should be able to give those details in the story. It's not a very difficult task at all, but you just evaded it. It's up to you, but when you are writing a novel you can't just have a page in the book that says, of this is the location by the way. Ok anyway onto the story, I will stop ranting.

A week after Cero was partnered with Francesca, they received their first mission: hunting Rheal. Cero was unsurprised. Two weeks before, Rheal had attacked a clothing factory in Queens Drive. Four days later, she had murdered a general messenger. You have a somewhat catchy beginging here. I think you could have more here though. I would give some more details about Rheal or something of that sort.
So here he was, three weeks later ,in Eastbourne. Formerly a coastal suburb, the whole town was transformed into a mass producing metropolis with countless factories stacked beside each other. Here is where you could add the details of the whole setting that you put about in a spoiler. I think it would work better here, and it would make the story better because you would have more details.
His housekeeper, an elderly woman of seventy, lay before the entrance of a garment factory. Her right eye was gouged out. Twelve others shared his housekeeper's fate. You jumped rather quickly to this part. I think you should give a little more detail to the setting. It would also help to have some dialogue before this, or even after. It is Cero and Fran (as I will call her) here isn't it? You didn't really clarify yet.
The parasite's gone, he exhaled. As expected from Rheal. With 70% of the region ran by zombies, she'll have one hell of a feast. But it doesn't mean that this free meal has no side effects. You are not very clear about whether the zombies are bad or not. This could be a very crutial point in the story. If they are bad I would put something like, "It doen't mean that this free meal has no side effects, no matter how aweful they are." Or something like that. Also you began a sentence with the word but, but is usually used as a conjunction, and this is no exception I do believe. Now I may be wrong, but it would sound better as one sentence.
Cero turned his gaze inside the factory. The zombies that weren't attacked continued sewing, working twenty hours nonstop. Some had began to slow down. A few of them paused for brief seconds. So the zombies are like robots?
“Cero!” a messenger called him, from a platform two floors up. He had stretched out his fleshy wings behind his back. He had probably just arrived from God knows where. “When will you catch your bloody partner? The production in Eastbourne had decreased by 5% thanks to her.”
“No worries,” He waved back. “We'll catch her on no time. Besides, the numbers of attacks had decreased this week, right? So everything's going smooth. ” It should be in no time, not on no time.
“I bet you're right! I'll sue your ass off if our zombies are constantly being attacked. We don't want the Ruin's reputation to be ruined again! Don't forget that most of the zombies are the bodies of those who died from the outbreak thirty years ago -” When you say Ruins and then ruined it gets kind of confusing. I would replace the second word. “But we provide 30% of the total economy of the entire country. ” Cero interrupted, placing both hands on his pocket. “The rest of the public may complain their ass off, but we're cleaning our reputation with this mass production. As for Rheal, don't worry.”
“Just don't lagged again. I had heard that you spent three days shopping.” It would be lag not lagged I do believe.
“That was my partner's idea.”
“And you obeyed her? You're supposed to be the leader!”
Cero stiffened as the messenger walked off, shutting the door behind himYou put a period here and no capital letter from the moment, sighing. Well, I can't argue against him in that one, he thought. Cero puffed a ring of smoke from his mouth. He noticed something glittering under his housekeeper's clothes. He grinned taking out a diamond necklace. Cero placed the jewelry under his overcoat. It was rare to find a zombie with jewelry. Once the idea that zombies should be the main producer in the region was accepted, each body was checked for any jewelry and each one wore a uniformed orange jumpsuit. This would prevent any messenger from makeing any money from the zombies. But there are times that proved otherwise. This one would cost a fortune. He walked out of the factory, and headed back to his apartment. Can't lose an opportunity like this.
“Welcome back,” Francesca greeted him along with the smell of fresh sizzling bacon. Cero shut the door behind him. He took off his overcoat, placing the knicknacks on a porcelein container. He faced her. She wore a red singlet and pink jeans decorated with puppies. Her hair was tied in a bun. Francesca looked back at him raising a spatula to the air. You describe her and yet you don't describe him.
“I'm cooking bacon for dinner.” she said.
“Suit yourself.” Cero replied, as he dragged himself to a zebra stripped sofa, resting his legs on a coffee table. “ I found the body of our housekeeper. It seemed Rheal had dinner as well. She had six zombies for breakfast, eight at lunch and thirteen for dinner.”
“That's a little sad.” Francesca hummed to herself, moving her hips side to side. Cero gazed at her. They could always order a zombie cook to make them dinner ,but Francesca seemed satisfied to cook. He took out a cigarette from his breast pocket ,and tucked it between his lips.
It's been a month, he blew. We've inspected the factories in Waterloo St., Woburn St. and the whole area of Wainuiomata. We've interviewed messengers,spaceand briefed? hundreds of zombies. Yet,there was no sign of Rheal. Even after she took a general messenger's parasite , she can't be detected.
“You hungry?” Cero looked up. Francesca offered him a toasted bacon with melted cheese, tomato and chili sauce. He thanked her, as she joined him on the couch.
“I think we should take a break.” Francesca stretched her long tan legs onto the coffee table. “After a week in Eastbourne, we should take a day off. We can go shopping, go to the beach, or hang out with the local messengers. I heard that there's a good restaurant by Marine Parade. They say that one of the cooks was well known in Wellington during the 1940's.”
Cero wiped the sauce from his mouth, staring at her briefly. He could remind her that their main mission was to hunt down Rheal. Then again, he was talking to Francesca. The same Francesca who spent two-thirds of her first pay check on clothes and food. The mission was delayed for three days because of her. She could have been a useless partner if she haden't goten the strange ability of come up with excellent ideas without a moments thinking.
“Hey Cero...,” she continued as she rested an elbow on his shoulder. “...How about we head to the vineyard near Pencarrow head?”
“That far...” He swallowed.
“When we went to the pub last night, I had been chatting with a local messenger who told me that there was a messenger hanging around the Orongorongo River.”
“That guy was drunk.”
“Maybe, but what if he's right? Rheal might be there.We can't risk losing an opportunity like this.” Francesca faced him, licking the sauce from her slender fingers. “Should we go to the vineyard tomorrow? I heard that there's a small village that sells excellent Pinot Noir wine.”
“You know what I think,” He took a cigarrette, pressing himself against the sofa. He faced her, and held her chin with his index finger.“I think that you should thank me. It was my idea that we should go to the pub last night. It was my idea that we should have something else rather than your bacon. I am pissed off Tired would sound better here. of having bacon everynight. You're just lucky that I can't cook, Francesca! So in essence, your idea is my idea. I am the precursor of all your ideas!” He let go of her chin.
There was a pause.
“Besides...” Cero broke the silence. “...what about the corpses? After Rheal had attacked them, we need to place a new parasite or else they'll disintegrate. The morgue may decrease the disintegration time of the corpses but that's not the actual point.”
“No worries,” Francesca answered. “I had sent an email to the messenger management office. We don't want Cancibrana's control over this area to weaken right? If that happens, then this place would be a ghost town. It's a shame since Eastbourne provided quality jewelry and wool jackets for a casual price of $ 8.99. Even the French are loving it They even went to our region for a tour.”
“Did they saw out zombies?”
“Yes. I had heard that some of them fainted when they went inside one of our factories but that didn't stop a stream of tourists into our region.”
Cero grunted to himself. He placed both arms behind his neck. Francesca excused herself. She grabbed both their plates, as she headed to the kitchen. He placed a cigarette by his lips. I must have hurt her feelings again. He bit his lip. What else was there to do? She simply can't butt her way against me. I was assigned leader of the mission not her, so there was no way that she would have an advantage over me. He sure does smoke a lot.
Francesca returned, minutes later, holding a Chardonnay wine bottle, and two wine glasses.
“You want some? It'll be a good drink for tonight's show.”
“What's on?” He exhaled.
“Glee,” She smiled, taking out the remote beside the cushions. “You want to give Glee a try, Cero? I promised Emit the d. that its a good show.”
“What, with all the happy singing and melodrama? I don't think so. Try watching murder shows. That will help in our mission. I saw a few episodes of C.S.I and I swear that I felt my detective nerves tingling. Remember Francesca, we are here to solve, not to dance on silly music.” You keep changing tenses. You go from past to present and back again. I was trying to fix it one way, but it's impossible. You will have to go back and pick one.
“So you won't watch?” Francesca poured her wine glass to the rim.
“All I want is a good night sleep. We're going to the vineyard tomorrow, just as I had planned. We need as much time as possible to search for her, and don't expect me to carry your luggage again. I did that last time, and I had to visit the doctor after a week of back pain.” He pushed himself to his feet. He took out the cigarrette from his mouth, and rubbed it against the ashtray. “Other than that, I'll see you tomorrow. You can cook your bacon, if you want.”
“Good night,” Francesca said. He looked back at her, simmering her wine glass just as the opening music of Glee entered his ears. He shivered as he grabbed his overcoat followed by the porcelain container that contained the diamond necklace, before he headed to the third floor.
to have a better understanding, here are some context.
Spoiler! :
the story is set on city where there is a hierarchy. The zombie are the lowest. unlike the flesh-eating zombies, these zombies are controlled by the city mayor where they produced massive amounts of goods without complaints. The messengers are second ranked. They guard and maintain balance. They keep the zombies in place and make sure that they don't produce slowly. The general messenger is the third and leads the messengers while the city mayor controls all. The parasite mentioned is the device that the city mayor control over his citizens.
[/quote]

I also don't like that you had to give feedback at the ending. I think you should add this into the story. It's not very difficult, and it would make the story easier to read.
One thing I noticed was the different tenses you used throughout the whole story. You need to go back and pick one tense.

Other than that this was a nice story. It kept me interested throughout the story which is a good feat to accomplish.

I hope I helped!

-Flow-
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.

  








cron
This looks like a really bad episode of Green Acres.
— David Letterman