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Invisibles ~ Chapters 1 -2



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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1050
Reviews: 15
Tue Oct 05, 2010 12:10 am
IIWickedDestinyII says...



Chapters 1 and 2 for Invisibles. Review Please :D

Chapter 1: The Beginning


My name is Idda Jones and I am a cop. I am fifteen and have a gift that helps just about anything and anyone. For example, I can help solve crimes with out having to interogate them. You see, I am a mind reader. I live in a small town called Trenton in Ontario, Canada. My name was Olivia Mason. I was an only child who never knew her biological father. Let alone that he had strange but powerful gifts. My mother figured out I had a gift when I was five and I kept telling her things she only knew. For my safety she kept my gift a secret from almost everyone
She home schooled me to make sure I would be safe from people abusing my gift. When I was thirteen everything change. We had lost a lot of money to the tax collectors and we were just about to lose the house when they came. They told her she would be paid a hundred thousand dollars just for her child. She told them to come back in five days, they left with smiles on their faces. I begged every moment I could for those next five long days for her not to give me up. By the fifth day I knew she had made up her mind and I was afraid to know what she had chosen. They came back and she made a decision I would never forget. I found my self being loaded into a black SUV with a bunch of huge men and watching my small house fade away into the woods to never see my mother again. She was just about to lose everything except she lost the one thing she loved the most, her child. I guess her love for me wasn’t enough when compared to her love of money.
My family from then on became two boys, Jess and Star. Two years later a little girl named Alissa was welcomed into the family. We had to change our names to keep identities safe. Our nicknames became our identities and our old lives became forgotten. The records were lost or thrown out by the government of whom our old selves were. We lost the people we loved, hated and cherished. You realize once you lose people that they meant more than you realize, even your enemies.
Instead we became lab rats. People watching our every move while they tested our strengths, weaknesses and what made us mad. We went from normal to freaks all in a matter of one moment. The horrible moment our parents said yes to the government.
One thing we all learned is you can’t trust everyone and sometimes we have to lose things to gain things.
We are what they call Invisibles. We are people with special gifts or powers. People, who move faster, see things farther and heal almost instantly. We are from a long line of powerful people. A race combined of witches, vampires and werewolves.
As I said, my name is now Idda Jones. I am a cop who is fifteen and also a mind reader. Call me crazy, believe me or not but this is my life and my struggles to get alive. To everything imagined there is a hint of reality, or else how would we have thought of it.
Idda Jones, a freak like none other.



Chapter 2: Just Another Day


I grabbed the closest golf cart to me. I began to drive towards the house that had been built for the four of us. I could not help but to smile at the soldiers that jogged by. I couldn’t help but to giggle as they tried not to gawk at me. I don’t blame them. Not to come off as self-centered but men became speechless and women were always jealous of me
I had onyx black hair, blue eyes with gold rings around the pupil and pale skin. I had the perfect combination of freckles on my nose and cheeks. I had an amazing completion and thin 5’11 figure with curves in all the right places. Most people could not help but stare at me.
We all looked like that though so we just thought it was normal. Nothing about us was normal thought; we knew that. We were beautiful. We walked gracefully and talked with wisdom in our voices as if we were a hundred years old. We had the grace and balance of a yoga master. We could fight better than most trained men. People were jealous, we couldn’t help it we looked like this. It was just a part of our race.
Some people believed we were angels and others believed Satan himself gave us these gifts to make everyone else look bad. We had never felt normal though, so it did not matter what anyone else thought. I’m not religious but most days I think we were touched by a higher presence. Other days I think we were Satan’s little pets roaming the Earth just waiting for trouble to find us.
That was our lives. Almost getting killed each moment of the day in the real world. Now I was glad sometimes that the government took me in. The caged in area I sometimes called prison sheltered and fed me, keeping me from the real dangers that lied outside the barbed wire fence. I watched the buildings blur by and the soldiers at work, I remembered what it used to be like. The pain and secrets I used to have to hide.
I don't have a perfect past by far. It was messy and many people I loved died because of me. Of course not many people know that because I silenced them before they could tell anyone anything. It’s a secret I’ve had to keep for many years now. A horrible, dark and twisted past that I have barely told. If I did they usually ended up dead in the next few days.
I had been trying to keep my past hidden. I covered my tracks to make sure no one found out. When I had been enrolled with the governement I made sure they only had one copy left of my past for reference. I didn’t know that my past would come back to bite me in the ass. I realize now that you can’t hide the truth, it only causes problems for yourself and everyone around you.
Last edited by IIWickedDestinyII on Tue Oct 05, 2010 11:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
One word to say to you
One world to live onto
One person that makes you spin
One song you'll always sing
Show me the way <3
  





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24 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1051
Reviews: 24
Tue Oct 05, 2010 12:30 am
Alzora says...



IIWickedDestinyII wrote:Chapters 1 and 2 for Invisibles. Review Please :D

Chapter 1: The Beginning


My name is Idda Jones and I am a cop. I am fifteen and have a gift that helps just about anything and anyonewhat do you mean by this?? Can you give an example?. I live in a small town called Trenton in Ontario, Canada. Born and raised here I grew up in a small house, out in the woods near a riverJust saying, do we really need to know this?. My name wasNice, I like the 'was', it adds mystery Olivia Mason. I was an only child who never knew her biological father. Let alone that he had strange but powerful giftsA little to mysterious for my taste.... My mother figured out I had a gift when I was five andI think you mean when instead of and I kept telling her things she only knew. Out of my safetyinstead of 'out of my safety' you should say 'for my safety she kept my gifts a secret from almost everyone
She home schooled me to make sure I would be safe from people abusing my gift. When I was thirteen everything change. We had lost a lot of money to the tax collectors and we were just about to lose the house when they came. They told her she would be paid a hundred thousand dollarsthat really isn't a lot but if you're about to lose you're house I guess it is.. just for her child. She told them to come back in five days, they left with smiles on their faces. I begged every moment I could for those next five long days for her not to give me up. By the fifth day I knew she had made up her mind and I was afraid to know what she had chosen. They came back and she made a decision I would never forget. I found my self being loaded into a black SUV with a bunch of huge men and watching my small house fade away into the woods to never see my mother again. She was just about to lose everything except she lost the one thing she loved the most, her child. I guess her love for me wasn’t enough when compared to her love of money. wow, that's sad (but it adds character!!)
My family from then on became two boys, Jess and Star. Two years later a little girl named Alissa was welcomed into the family. We had to change our names to keep identities safe. Our nicknames became our identities and our old lives became forgotten. The records were lost or thrown out by the government of whom our old selves were. We lost the people we loved, hated and cherished. You realize once you lose people that they meant more than you realize, even your enemies.
Instead we became lab rats. People watching our every move while they tested our strengths, weaknesses and what made us mad. We went from normal to freaks all in a matter of one moment. The horrible moment our parents said yes to the government.
One thing we all learned is you can’t trust every one'everyone' not 'every one' and sometimes we have to lose things to gain things.
We are what they call Invisibles. We are people with special gifts or powers. People, who move faster, see things farther and heal almost instantly. We are from a long line of powerful people. A race combined of witches, vampires and werewolves.
As I said, my name is now Idda Jones. I am a cop who is fifteen and also a mind reader. Call me crazy, believe me or not but this is my life and my struggles to get alive. To everything imagined there is a hint of reality, or else how would we have thought of it.
Idda Jones, a freak like none other.



Chapter 2: Just Another Normal Dayhow is it really a normal day if she's a freak in a lab? By the way, the lab thing sort of reminds me of Maximum Ride, you haven't read that have you?


I grabbed the closest golf cart to me. I began to drive towards the house that had been built for the four of us. I could not help but to smile at the soldiers that jogged by. I couldn’t help but to giggle as they tried not to gawk at me. I don’t blame them. Not to come off as self-centered but men became speechless and women were always jealous of me
I had onyx black hair, blue eyes with gold rings around the pupil and pale skin. I had the perfect combination of freckles on my nose and cheeks. I had an amazing completion and thin 5’11 figure with curves in all the right places. Most people could not help but stare at me.
We all looked like that though so we just thought it was normal. Nothing about us was normal thought; we knew that. We were beautiful. We walked gracefully and talked with wisdom in our voices as if we were a hundred years old. We had the grace and balance of a yoga master. We could fight better than most trained men. People were jealous, we couldn’t help it we looked like this. It was just a part of our race. wow, a lot like Maximum Ride
Some people believed we were angels and others believed Satan himself gave us these gifts to make everyone else look bad. We had never felt normal though, so it did not matter what anyone else thought. I’m not religious but most days I think we were touched by a higher presence. Other days I think we were Satan’s little pets roaming the Earth just waiting for trouble to find us.
That was our lives. Almost getting killed each moment of the day in the real world. Now I was glad sometimes that the government took me in. The caged in area I sometimes called prison sheltered and fed me, keeping me from the real dangers that lied outside the barbed wire fence. I watched the buildings blur by and the soldiers at work, I remembered what it used to be like. The pain and secrets I used to have to hide.
I by far don’t have a perfect pastit should be 'I don't have a perfect past by far' . It was messy and many people I loved died because of me. Of course no manyno many? people know that because I silenced them before they could tell anyone anything. It’s a secret I’ve had to keep for many years now. A horrible, dark and twisted past that I have barely told. If I did they usually ended up dead in the next few days.
I had been trying to keep my past hidden. I covered my tracks to make sure no one found out. When I had been enrolled with the government I made sure they only had one copy left of my past for reference. I didn’t know that my past would come back to bite me in the assI like this sentence, it's filled perfectly with emotion :D . I realize now that you can’t hide the truth, it only causes problems for yourself and everyone around you.



This is a really great story, it so has potential!! I hope you keep writing. In some parts I mentioned a book series called Maximum Ride. I don't know if you've read it. But you're blip of writing here is a lot like it.

I hope I've been useful! I really do like this!!

Alzora
My kitty avatar is my minion. She sneaks everywhere and always tells me whats going on.
*kitty avatar sneaks up and whispers in my ear*
Oh... She says it is time...
*grabs you and puts you in box*
Perfect!
  





User avatar
15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1050
Reviews: 15
Tue Oct 05, 2010 12:47 am
IIWickedDestinyII says...



Thank you Alzora, I will fix those mistakes soon. I haven't read the Maximum Ride series. I try to not make my writing like other books so I will see how to change that. There is a few confusing parts because they will later tie into the other chapters (for example for age and the money). Your advice has really helped me. I'm glad you liked it, it's a story I've been working on at the side. A story I would add to every once and a while. Thank you for your advice :) , as I said eariler it has helped me a lot . Glad you like it.
Wicked <3
One word to say to you
One world to live onto
One person that makes you spin
One song you'll always sing
Show me the way <3
  








"Be yourself" is not advice. It's an existential crisis waiting to happen.
— Hank Green