Young Writers Society

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Hi Hannah! Pink here!


Nitpicks

When she pulls the handle on the door of her SUV, Ruth can feel the pop and slide of the gears as they free the door from the whole.

I'm guessing this is the very first part of a short story, correct? Whether it be a Novel, a book, a story, a fanfiction, a poem. It's sort of important to make sure your first sentence isn't a bore. Here, you describe a car door opening, I'm screaming with joy! Not. I would recommend you spin it around, something about her day, something interesting that captures the readers attention. Something to pull us in. It doesn't have to be grand, or out of the blue, exciting or terrifying, it just has to have that 'grab'. That special something that lifts a brow. Something to make us smile or laugh.
I'm sorry but I find this sentence a bit lacking, although the part after about her detachment and the rubber soles of her shoes I found interesting, maybe you could expand on that part?

The house is mostly silent, though it is uneasy on its foundations and sometimes interrupts the silence with a muted creak.

A creak is a sound, therefore it cannot be muted. Soft is a better word, I guess.
Interrupts the silence with a soft creak, maybe?

There are seven boxes in her trunk, a few loose blankets, and a fold-up cot.

So? You say this but you don't expand on the thought here, it's a useless sentence unless followed up by a reason.
Is she waiting for someone to help her? Does she not know where to put her things?
This is like saying I walk into my friends house and I have a cake in my car. So what? What about the cake? Is if for the friend? Or for someone else? I know those are her things but I think you just dumped the sentence in a random spot. Maybe you could mention it later?

She sees in the dining room, behind the dining room table, a tire lying on its side.

I found the wording of this sentence to be slightly weird. I had to read it twice to understand where you were getting at. I suggest changing the words around slightly so it's not as confusing.

“Maybe it's sleeping,” she whispers to herself. She takes a few steps forward, slipping over the floor, and gathering her courage.

Wait...huh? D:
Are the rubber things alive now?

When it coughs, the cracks seem to stretch and deepen. It looks so old.

You mentioned it's age as 'old' before. Try to watch out for unnecessary repetition.

“'Scuse me?” says James. Ruth shakes her head and turns to him with a smile. She can feel the charm running over her cheeks. She's sweating it off.

Don't tell me she's getting smitten because he helped her take up some boxes and said a swear word
Is it physical attraction that makes her charmed? If there is a sort of emotion that she feels, I'd like for you to expand on it, maybe.

Plot
I don't see any plot here. I see a live tire and two people. I have no idea what's going on, honestly. Why is there a immortal tire? What's up with the rug and the floor? Don't get me wrong, I think the idea of a 'real living' world and objects is kind of interesting and pretty cool. The idea itself is quite intriguing in my mind. Although, I have no idea what or where you're trying to get with this story? I looked this up and I know you have two parts so I'm hoping you will explain all that in the next part. Why the tire is the way it is, what's going on with everything here and what type of world this is. It seems like you continued wit the story, going on and all but didn't give us any understandable details or a type of foundation when creating this. A paragraph or a line that slightly gives us an reasonable idea of situation at hand.

Characters
The characters were very 2D. The MC only has a few lines and I'm not very aware of her personality. She's nice, okay, but she lacks any realism. She's almost like a dream, somewhat vague, untouchable but you see her in a sort of fantasy-like world. The lumberjack guy, James, is it? He's a little off-beat, don't you think? I mean, I would understand why he would be insulted when she said those things about the tire but I thought his anger was a bit overdone. Like, he had some sort of anger-management problem. It was, to speak, a little scary and Ruth really didn't take that part in, or to say. What I'm trying to say is, your characters are lacking in emotion. The story itself feels a bit lonely and uninviting, honestly. However, maybe the next part will be better and I'll see them in a new light.

Grammar/Punctuation
I really didn't have much of a problem here. There were no typos, no punctuation mistakes that I caught, so yay! You must have really read your piece over to avoid those things. I, however, am the master of typos, if you couldn't tell. I can reread my piece a thousand times and still miss at least 10 little things. I don't know, I'm just weird like that. So, I shall applaud you for the excellent grammar here. *Applauds*
Now, even with that said, there was a little something that I caught, and that was the flow. It seemed choppy and the flow of events were kind of off-putting, I'm not sure if you know what I mean but the transactions of the actions were kinda jumpy. Like it lead to one thing then another. I'm trying to put my finger on it but I can't...argh.
The relationship between her and James wasn't exactly explained either so I was like, kind of confused while reading half the time. You left out some necessary details and that made me question a bit of things but I won't go into detail with that.

Overall
In the end, this could be a pretty interesting story if the right amount of description and more effort was put into this. I mean, you did a pretty good job at writing it and all but I think you missed the attention getter and without a basic understanding, the reader is left confused, wondering what in the world is going on. Is there a deeper meaning that you're trying to convey here? I'll be looking for it. Being considerate to the non-living items in our lives, is that what you're trying to say? I'm not sure but I'll be reading the next part to understand this better because I really feel like you're trying to do something here and maybe it's my head that can't grasp what you're trying to say.
Anyways, before this review gets a little too long, I'll be heading off to the next part.
See you then,

~Pink

Hey there! Pink pretty much covered it all there but I want to say that Iiked that your characters are different. Sure they are a bit flat but I like the corkiness of them and all the personnification you used, it feels like the world is alive.

Now, the plot, I am sure is not finished yet because not a lot has really happened here but I'll go see the second part right now. You've hinted, that something happened, though, for her to be in this situation and I hope we will learn about that in the second part because I am quite curious You know what you are doing, I'll leave it to you to keep us intertained.

-Truth-

Hey there.

I don't know what to say when Pink, already says it all... I'll just give out my opinion about the plot, and sorry in advance if I'm repeating the other review.

So, first of all, I'm a little bit confused. The tire is alive, I guess, and it owns a house. I was thinking it was a dog or something at first, but then I realize you were actually talking about a tire. So it's weird. I can't lie. But it's also general fiction, so I'll give some space to breathe. I'm kind of confused to see where all this is going, with the living tire and all. But I'm confident you're going to find something that's going to captivate your readers. Well I hope so.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Woah! This is crazy good. Since Pink already did the nitpicks, I'm going to give a few opinions on things.

I think this is amazing, really. I know there is something weird going on here, since a tire can be a companion and all that. I don't know if these people are crazy, or if you've created a world where rubber is real. Either way, I like it. This was a really long post, and I never once stopped and groaned because I wanted to stop reading. I enjoyed it very much.

I think that you went a little overboard with describing the tire. I really want some mystery with the tire to still be there by the end of this chapter. I think that you should just say that it's a tire and it can roll and walk on its own. I would leave the blunt hints about how the tire is alive till the second part. It still leaves mystery and wondering for your readers. But, it's not bad the way it is now. There are still some things that need to be answered, but it's mainly about your main character, and right now she is definitely not the most interesting thing in your story!

You need to further explain this lumberjack dude. I don't understand. Is she being sarcastic when she says that he is in a costume? Because didn't she say that she was in a costume too? Maybe I'm just confused, but I don't really get him. He says he's retired, but then you say he has red hair. That doesn't scream old to me. Old is gray hair and wrinkles. If he is really old, you need to describe what he looks like, because I picture him as a young and hot man in a plaid red shirt. Haha.

This is great! I'm going to go read the next part.

Keep writing,

Classy.

I'm not gonna lie, that was slightly confusing.
A tire?
Although, it is interesting and very well written. I'm anxious to read the next part, and i'll get on that.
Keep writing
Your spelling and grammar are good. Same with your description
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder

HANNAH

Long time, no read. I am so glad you posted something. Can’t wait to see more.

I will give you an overall impression first, having read both parts – twice. This left me distinctly amused, and generally when you appeal to my sense of humour, I tend to run away from the text with a good impression of it. I should probably use my usual disclaimer that I hate fantasy, as a rule, etc. etc. – but in this case, that doesn’t apply, as I can see quite clearly that this is an experiment and an intriguing one at that. Everything in this story is ridiculous. That’s what gives it an affectionate charm, despite the lack of something deeper that I love in stories, the element of something well-mastered and inspiring and cutting straight to the core of human nature – this story plays it light, plays it safe, and that’s fine. Not all pieces need to enlighten us.

There are only minor comments that I can make. I’m not going to tell you to make the characters more engaging or believable or whatever, or the plot more plot-like, since the point of this is entertainment and entertainment on the most basic level of amusement, and you’re hitting that perfectly anyway.

When she pulls the handle on the door of her SUV, Ruth can feel the pop and slide of the gears as they free the door from the whole. She is tempted to close and open the door just a few more times, to feel the familiar mechanic click beneath her palm instead of stepping onto a foreign sidewalk in front of her new home.

What I liked about this beginning is that it’s so matter-of-fact. It’s normal; nothing out of the ordinary, no hint of something bizarre. I like the feel of her wanting to ‘close and open the door just a few more times’ – an irrational desire, a whim, stalling before the big event of going to a new home.

She sits for a moment longer, and then pushes herself in brush-stroke strides to the front door.

‘Brush-stroke’ is overkill. Too bizarre, just when you’ve set up this wonderful reality to it. Bizarre from an aesthetic point of view; fitting as a picture in a poem, but not here.

She feels detached from herself; the rubber soles of her shoes separate her from feeling the new ground.

I would have you devote a new line to this, a paragraph break, since I think it important. That feeling of not touching the ground with one’s feet, one’s bare feet – quite powerful. But I do not think she feels detached from herself – I think she feels not closely enough attached to the ground. Rephrase.

And do I notice a subtle Shakespearean art of preparation going on? Detachment? Like the way you will later detach us from reality as we know it? Cute – probably unintended, I’d say – but cute.

Only muffled shift-creaks answer.

Repeated: muted creaks and then muffled shift-creaks. Find a different word. Also, I do not appreciate the clunkiness of ‘muffled shift-creaks’. That takes two reads to digest.

One foot springs out to support her as she leans further and slips slightly over the hardwood floor.

Something I’ve noticed about your writing; you either have perfectly normal descriptions or perfectly bizarre ones. This one is, admittedly, less bizarre than ‘brushstroke,’ but very quirky nevertheless. I am not sure whether to call that jarring or refreshing.

a tire lying on its side.

HA. I got through to the second part before realising the US – Brit spelling difference. I write ‘tyre’. Ahem.

It is pulsing. It is very old and moves up and down in a regular rhythm.

I like the slowness here. You don’t slap fantasy in the face; you introduce it softly. Here is a hint that not all is as it seems.

“Maybe it's sleeping,” she whispers to herself. She takes a few steps forward, slipping over the floor, and gathering her courage.
“Excuse me. Anyone home?” she says. “I'm Ruth Delko, your new tenant.”

First impression: Your MC had lost her marbles. Second impression: hilarious.

The tire's rhythm halts and it wakes up with a cough. Its rubber is cracked and the cracks run in webbed patterns over the tire's skin like bird tracks. When it coughs, the cracks seem to stretch and deepen. It looks so old.

Take out the repeated mention of ‘old’ and this will be beautiful.

“It's good to finally meet you,” he says. Ruth shakes his hand and then looks at the floor. Her socks move as she wiggles her toes anxiously.

Oooh. I am noticing this on third read-through+review. James didn’t know Ruth before. The way they talk seemed to suggest to me they were familiar and I was under that impression for the whole story. Highlight the first meeting more, maybe?

Chief here is going to start some dinner for you. He says to put the leftovers in one of the containers on the counter. There's gonna be a lot.

Oh yes, really. What made me snort at this was the ridiculousness of a tyre trying to make dinner. I can’t imagine it – and that contributes to my humour. Keep it.

Can I have a tyre-that-makes-dinner too?

They're aren't many. I'll help,

There. Not they’re. Typo, I’m sure.

He is startled by her wide, expressive eyes, but responds calmly.

I know this is third person so you’re allowed to switch perspective willy-nilly, but I rather liked the focus on Ruth. Now we switch to his perceptions of her. Why not just stick with ‘she noticed how he got startled by…’ etc?

“That's not French.”

The naiveté is endearing. She seems so hopeless.

She can feel the charm running over her cheeks. She's sweating it off.

Odd description. Charm running over her cheeks? Sweating what off? The charm?

he's retired, and that's all.”

HA. Retired. A tire retired. No pun intended, much?

And I duly move on to part two.

Navi

Pink's done the nitpicky stuff. On to some big-picture observations!

I was a bit confused about the setting here. It seems like it's normal, then it has an animate tire, then there's the bit about the Halloween costumes. It seems like it should be interesting, what with the eccentricities of the setting, but really it just sort of confuses me. Perhaps it will feel smoother when we've had more time in this 'verse, but right now, I'm rather confused instead of intrigued. As of right now, it sort of feels like you are trying to jam too many quirks into the setting at once, rather than just letting the idea of the animate tires stand on its own.

I didn't really understand the relationship between James and Ruth. I mean, is she attracted to him? Is he supposed to be charming? I was a little intimidated by his behavior and demeanor and didn't really see any attractiveness in it. How does Ruth know him? It seems like she's comfortable enough with him to call him for help with moving in and whatnot, but then he sort of treats her like she's some outsider that he's trying to explain things to. How long have they known each other? Explore this a bit more, methinks.

I wasn't really feeling the present tense in this piece. Sometimes present tense works and you're not really aware it's in present tense, but in this piece, it was like I was noticing all the time. Perhaps it's just me (I'd ask some other people about it, if I were you), but the present tense felt really awkward through the whole thing. Try it in past tense, permaybehaps?

All in all, there were some interesting concepts here, but I wasn't sure what to make of them. I'm on to the next bit to see what happens...

~GryphonFledgling