Young Writers Society

Alo people, I haven't posted anything for AGES ... anyway,I haven't divided this up into chapters, so each part ends very suddenly...that's all I think

“Cañónoscuridad An ancient voice whispered. Lyle looked around him. He could see nothing but the intense darkness.
“Cañónoscuridad….” the voice whispered again. It sent shivers running up Lyle’s back.
“W - where am I?” he asked, his voice shaking with fear.
“Cañónoscuridad…..” the voice whispered again. Lyle let out a short scream as he felt something touch his ankle. He tried to step away from the thing touching him, only to find the thing tightening its grip. By now Lyle could clearly feel fingers around his ankle. He screamed as it started dragging him. Dragging him into the darkness…


Lyle sat upright in his bed, screaming. He sighed, relieved that all it had been was a dream. Moonlight streamed through his window, revealing a shabby wooden floor, a table standing opposite Lyle, filled with random jewellery, li'l golden men and women, and a few books. An observer would soon notice by listening to the drunk, hoarse voices that this was a tavern. Slowly, Lyle swung his legs to the side of the bed, but froze a moment before they touched the ground. Wrong side, he thought. It was a silly superstition, but Lyle believed in doing everything in his power not to get killed. So he slowly swung his legs around the small bed, and stood. He was dressed in a white shirt, made from the wool of thigs (A cousin of sheep) as it was the cheapest material. Over that he wore a coat that was obviously much too big for him, his sleeves hanging past his fingers, and the coat itself coming to his shins. But it had been worn by his father and his father, and his father’s father and so on. Also, around his wrist he wore a bangle with three black beads, two red ones, and countless oranges. Lyle stood, and walked to the window, his shoes as silent as a bubble popping in a pint of beer. As he peered out, he once again admired the great mountain of a wall before him, and a even bigger iron gate, locked for the night. I’m going through that tomorrow, he thought with a shiver. Better get my sleep then. And he walked to his bed, and crawled in, waiting for sleep to come to him. And then the wind seemed to whisper,
“Cañónoscuridad….”


The great gates creaked as they opened. Gofdi didn't stand alone before the gate. Beside her stood a boy she recognised as the boy her employers had spoken about. She felt her face flush as she remembered the details of their conversation. Finally the buffalo working the mechanism opened the gate, and she stepped through, carrying a basket of apples. People wouldn’t really call Gofdi beautiful, or pretty. The best she could come up with was handsome. People in the City didn't find brown eyes or brown hair attractive, and opted for the typical blond and blue eyed girls. Gofdi’s eyes opened in amazement as she saw the white roads before her, cobbled with pearl-like stones. Gofdi had been in these roads many time before, but each time it succeeded in amazing her. Usually the roads would be dotted by the occasional man or woman, always dressed ornately, but today the roads was deserted. Today was the day of the market. She smiled. The boy beside her gasped, at the beauty of the roads, she supposed. She started walking, gazing at the magnificent mansions. How could all these people live in such wealth if just outside their walls people were starving? She shook her head.


Lyle gazed at the girl next to him. Never had he thought he had seen anyone so beautiful. Her long brown locks tumbling down to her hips, and her eyes, on the verge of being golden. When she smiled, his breath was knocked out of him, and he felt a cold feeling clutch at his body, he heard someone gasp. Only when she had started walking, her hips swaying slightly did he notice he should move. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her, and he was afraid that if he did, she would vanish. But he knew that sooner or later she would look at him, and he would have to say something when she did. It seemed to be sooner.
“Hello,” Lyle said his voice breaking as her gaze locked with his. She smiled again . Lyle’s legs grew heavy, and his heart beat went far faster than it seemed possible.
“Hi,” She returned, her voice sounding neither like a mountain stream (Her voice didn’t go: Gurgle gurgle splutter ) and it didn’t sound like a bell chiming either (Her voice definitely din’t go: Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle or gong…gong. ) It sounded perfect and beautiful. Lyle heard his mouth gasp again, and cursed softly as he felt himself flushing again. Close ye eyes…He instructed himself. Imagine she is just any normal whore….
.She would never be a whore! Wha’ am I thinkin’?! She would never be as my ma!!
At least think of her as ordinary then.
Ordinary? Barely, just look at her.
No don’t!! Then you’ll change into a statue again.
But she will find it odd if I just suddenly close my eyes!
Yes, but you –
“You’re all right?” She asked sounding concerned. Lyle’s eyes fluttered open.
“Umm….yea, I was just…just…thinkin’,” Lyle said, his face pale.
“Ye sure?" She asked. "Your face is pale.” Lyle smiled lamely.


Part II?

Hello Reuben! Your story had a wonderful, mysterious start and great potential. So I'm your reviewer for this evening!

Dish – Disappear, vanish.
Red – Bad, lame, dumb.
Stump – To be afraid.
Tat – Story.
Ima – I am

Meh, I hate it when there's a glossary. If you introduced the words one a time and explained in the story what they were that would be a lot better? Seriously, when I get into a story I don't want to be yanked out of it because of a word you used which I have to look up to understand it. By the time I get back to the sentence it was it, it'll take me ages to get back into your story. And that's irritating. C: ..If you couldn't already tell...

Okay! Review time!
Bold = my comments
[bold] = suggested words
Strike-out = Sounds better without this word.

“…..” An ancient voice whispered. Problem number one. "..." is not saying anything. Nothing is said! So why this is in speech marks I haven't the faintest. Or even why you have the ellipsis. Just start with "there was an ancient voice whispering something Lyle couldn't quite hear" or something to that effect. Much better and neater looking. C: Lyle looked around him. He could see nothing but the intense dark[ness] surrounding him.
“Cañónoscuridad….” The voice whispered again. Speech tags! Okay, this is a mistake nearly everyone makes. the tag is not separate from the dialogue. So, in a nutshell, this should be "Canonoscuridad..." the voice whispered..." Notice the lowercase letter after the speech? And if you didn't have the ellipsis, there would've been a comma, not a fullstop. Ummm.... let me set you up with and article on this. It should be much more helpful than me! Punctuation within dialogue It sent shivers running up Lyle’s back.
“W - where am I?” [he] asked, his voice shaking with fear.
“Cañónoscuridad…..” [the] voice whispered again. Lyle let out a short scream as he felt something touch his ankle. He tried to step away from the thing touching him, only to find the thing tightening its grip. By now Lyle could clearly feel fingers around his ankle. He screamed as it started dragging him. Dragging him into the darkness… I thought he was already in darkness? I thought it surrounded him? so... maybe "dragging him towards it"..??

Oh, and I adore the atmosphere you've set up in this so far. It's really quite spooky! C:

Lyle sat upright in his bed, screamin’. No! Don't do that if you're not quoting someone's speech! It looks awful and is not to be used in distant third person. If you were more in tune with your character, then this could maybe pass. But you haven't done this in this particular section, so no. He sighed, relieved that all it had been was a dream. Gutted! Through his window moonlight streamed [moonlight streamed through his window] may sound less awkward, revealing a [shabby] made wooden floor, a table standing opposite Lyle, filled with random jewellery, lil Please don't. Or, if you do, at least consider putting in the appropriate apostrophes. li'l' - is what that should be. golden men and women, and a few books. An observer would soon notice by listening to the drunk, hoarse voices – singin’ D: nursery rhymes with a nasty twist – this isn't needed. that this was a tavern. Slowly, Lyle swung his legs to the side of the bed, but froze a moment before they touched the ground. Wrong side he thought. Should be Wrong side, Lyle thought. Thoughts in italics, with a comma after 'em, mostly. It was a silly superstition, but the next day he was going to need all the luck he could get. Oohhh, why? C: So he slowly swung his legs around the small bed, and stood. He was dressed in a white shirt, made from the wool of thigs Wool of what, now? as it was the cheapest material. Over that he wore a coat that was obviously much too big fo’ Please stop. This is killing me. him, his sleeves hanging past his fingers Love this bit, and the coat itself coming to his shins. But it had been worn by his father and his father, and his father’s father and so on. Wouldn't it be pretty much a bunch of threads by now, then? Also, around his wrist he wore a bangle with three black beads, two red ones, and countless oranges. I suppose this will be important later on? Lyle stood, and walked to the window, his shoes as silent as a bubble popping in a pint of beer. "Popping" is the wrong choice of words. I immediately imagine a sound. As he peered out, he once again admired the great mountain of a wall before him, and a even bigger iron gate, locked fo’ the night. I’m going through that tomorrow. He thought with a shiver. [I'm going through that tomorrow, he thought with a shiver. Better get my sleep[comma]then.Better get my sleep then. And he walked to his bed, and crawled in, waiting fo’ sleep to come to him. And then the wind seemed to whisper,
“Cañónoscuridad….”
I like the wind part, but really? Was this whole paragraph needed? It felt pretty pointless. Your MC woke up from a bad dream, described his room, got up, described himself, looked out of a window, and then decided to go back to bed. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but there is no gentle way to break this to you: yawn. It's not too interesting.

The great gates creaked as they opened. Gofdi din’t stand alone before the gate. Beside her stood a boy she recognized as the boy her employers had spoken about. She felt her face flush as she remembered the details of their conversation. Finally the buffalo working the mechanism opened the gate, and she stepped through, carrying a basket of apples. People wouldn’t really call Gofdi beautiful, or pretty. The best she could come up with was handsome. People in the City din’t find brown eyes or brown hair attractive, and opted fo’ the typical blond ‘nd blue eyed. How in the world is this relevant? Gofdi’s eyes opened in amazement as she saw the white roads before her, cobbled with pearl-like stones. Gofdi had been in these roads many time before, but each time it succeeded in amazing her. Usually the roads would be dotted by the occasional man or woman, always dressed ornately, but today the roads was deserted. Today was the day of the market. She smiled. The boy beside her gasped, at the beauty of the roads, she supposed. She started walking, gazing at the magnificent mansions. How could all these people live in such wealth if just outside their walls people were starving? She shook her head.

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry but I can't continue. This just isn't for me. Your first paragraph blew me away, especially with the brilliant, creepy atmosphere, but then it all started to go downhill... First, I hate how you tried to incorporate your MC's voice. It just didn't work. Because you were trying so hard to make them sound common by dropping letters in a word yet you'd then go on to use "fancy" words like "ornately". Your 'poor' main characters will not use that sort of language nor will they come up with such elaborate imagery (such as pearl-like stones" - which I thought was just beautiful, by the way), especially when they can't even say the word "for"! I'm sorry, this is really bugging me because you're holding yourself back trying to mimic your MC's voice like that! It takes time to sludge through all the "slang" or purposefully miswritten words. I just want to read and enjoy your story!
Second, at times, it felt a little too tell-y. With the second bit it just felt you were trying to describe your MC all at once, using the "wake-up and move around" routine that really was not at all exciting. This is the first chapter! You still need to snatch the readers' interest and make them want - no, need to know more! I just wasn't feeling that.
Okay, I'm going to end the review now. I'm so sorry if I've offended you or if I've been too harsh, but I'm really passionate about this now. I know if you fix what I've pointed out, add spice, show don't tell, and scrap the horrible voice - this should be amazing.
...I hope I've helped..??

~EmmaJane~

I thought that this was pretty good really weirdly.. The slang works sometimes and NOT others.
Your descriptions are amazing, I wanted them to go on longer
I think your dialect (red etc..) is a little too out there.. Like emmajane said, it's too distracting.
Maybe you should set this in a real country but in the future/past/I have noo idea, and use that countries slang.. So we would at least bo somewhat familiar with it? Sorry that probably made no sense.
All in all it was interesting.. I read it to the end.. But maybe you should put the different characters speaking into different chapters... Yeah i think that would work a lot better.. And you could develop a different style for each of them
La la la la im done
I wanna see more

Hello there, Reuben. Flower here, and I will be your reviewer for the evening, since you requested me that is. I want to start off by saying that I really liked this. I has simplicity and mystery and even romance all wraped into one already! Anyway, on to the story.





“Cañónoscuridad An ancient voice whispered. Lyle looked around him. He could see nothing but the intense darkness.
“Cañónoscuridad….” the voice whispered again. It sent shivers running up Lyle’s back.
“W - where am I?” he asked, his voice shaking with fear.
“Cañónoscuridad…..” the voice whispered again. Lyle let out a short scream as he felt something touch his ankle. He tried to step away from the thing touching him, only to find the thing tightening its grip. By now Lyle could clearly feel fingers around his ankle. He screamed as it started dragging him. Dragging him into the darkness…


Lyle sat upright in his bed, screaming. He sighed, relieved that all it had been was a dream. Moonlight streamed through his window, revealing a shabby wooden floor, a table standing opposite Lyle, filled with random jewellery, li'l golden men and women, and a few books. An observer would soon notice by listening to the drunk, hoarse voices – The part about the singing nursery rhymes doesn't really flow well with the sentence. I think it throws the reader off. singin’ nursery rhymes with a nasty twist – that this was a tavern. Slowly, Lyle swung his legs to the side of the bed, but froze a moment before they touched the ground. Wrong side, he thought. It was a silly superstition, but the next day he was going to need all the luck he could get. I don't like it when writers predict the story before it happens. Lyle doent know that he is going to need luck, so it doesn't progress the story. It actually takes away from the story I believe. So he slowly swung his legs around the small bed, and stood. He was dressed in a white shirt, made from the wool of thigs as it was the cheapest material. Over that he wore a coat that was obviously much too big fo’ him, his sleeves hanging past his fingers, and the coat itself coming to his shins. But it had been worn by his father and his father, and his father’s father and so on. Also, around his wrist he wore a bangle with three black beads, two red ones, and countless oranges. Lyle stood, and walked to the window, his shoes as silent as a bubble popping in a pint of beer. As he peered out, he once again admired the great mountain of a wall before him, and a even bigger iron gate, locked fo’ the night. I’m going through that tomorrow. I would put a comma here, and add the he thought line to this. He thought with a shiver. Better get my sleep then. Never start a sentence with the word and, or the word but for that matter. I have seen that numerous times throughout the story, and it is very improper. And, but, for, nor, yet..etc are all conjunctions. They arn't usually made for the begining of sentences. And he walked to his bed, and crawled in, waiting fo’ sleep to come to him. And then the wind seemed to whisper,
“Cañónoscuridad….” You said before that the misspellings were part of the story. I think that it should be limited to the dialogue though. We can get an idea of how they talk through dialogue alone. It is really distracting when you have it in random bits of the story.


The great gates creaked as they opened. Gofdi din’t stand alone before the gate. Beside her stood a boy she recognized as the boy her employers had spoken about. She felt her face flush as she remembered the details of their conversation. Finally the buffalo working the mechanism opened the gate, and she stepped through, carrying a basket of apples. People wouldn’t really call Gofdi beautiful, or pretty. The best she could come up with was handsome. People in the City din’t find brown eyes or brown hair attractive, and opted fo’ the typical blond ‘nd blue eyed girls. Gofdi’s eyes opened in amazement as she saw the white roads before her, cobbled with pearl-like stones. Gofdi had been in these roads many times before, but each time it succeeded in amazing her. Usually the roads would be dotted by the occasional man or woman, always dressed ornately, but today the roads was were deserted. Today was the day of the market. She smiled. The boy beside her gasped, at the beauty of the roads, she supposed. She started walking, gazing at the magnificent mansions. How could all these people live in such wealth if just outside their walls people were starving? She shook her head.


Lyle gazed at the girl next to him. Never had he thought he had seen anyone so beautiful. Her long brown locks tumbling down to her hips, and her eyes, on the verge of being golden. When she smiled, his breath was knocked out of him, and he felt a cold feeling clutch at his body, he heard someone gasp. Only when she had started walkin’, her hips swaying slightly did he notice he should move. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her, ‘nd he was afraid that ofif he did, she would dish. Dish? What does that mean? But he knew that sooner or later she would look at him, and he would have to say something when she did. It seemed to be sooner.
“Hello,” Lyle said his voice breaking as her gaze locked with his. She smiled again . Lyle’s legs grew heavy, and his heart beat went far faster than it seemed possible.
“Hi,” She returned, her voice sounding neither like a mountain stream (Her voice din’t go: Gurgle gurgle splutter ) ‘nd it din’t sound like a bell chiming either (Her voice definitely din’t go: Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle or gong…gong. ) It sounded perfect and beautiful. Lyle heard his mouth gasp again, and cursed softly as he felt himself flushing again. Close ye eyes…He instructed himself. Imagine she is just any normal whore….
.She would never be a whore! Wha’ am I thinkin’?! She would never be as my ma!!
At least think of her as ordinary then.
Ordinary? Barely, just look at her.
No don’t!! Then you’ll change into a statue again.
But she will find it odd if I just suddenly close my eyes!
Yes, but you –
“You’re all right?” She asked sounding concerned. Lyle’s eyes fluttered open.
“Umm….yea, I was just…just…thinkin’,” Lyle said, his face pale.
“Ye sure? Your face is pale.” Lyle smiled lamely. I don't think that Lyle said this.


Part II? [/quote]


All and all I really liked this. I fixed the errors I saw, and gave you some advice. I will continue to read and review the rest of your novel as soon as I can. I can't wait to see how the story progresses! It has really captivated my attention.

“Cañónoscuridad," an ancient voice whispered. Lyle looked around him. He could see nothing but the intense darkness.

“Cañónoscuridad….” the voice whispered again. It sent shivers running up Lyle’s back.

“W - where am I?” he asked, his voice shaking with fear.

“Cañónoscuridad…..” the voice whispered again. Lyle let out a short scream as he felt something touch his ankle. He tried to step away from the thing touching him, only to find the thing tightening its grip. By now Lyle could clearly feel fingers around his ankle. He screamed as it started dragging him. Dragging him into the darkness…

First off: I call ellipsis abuse. Also, ellipses only have three dots. Any more is overkill. And ellipsis abuse is a pretty good indicator of trying to hard to make something suspenseful or otherwise dramatic.

Secondly: Why? What is it about the voice/situation that makes Lyle shiver? Why is he so afraid? Why is the voice constantly whispering "Canyon of Darkness" (all mashed up into one word), and what makes it so terrifying? (The last question in particular I would like answered.) In any case, all the questions tie into how, so far, there's been a lot of telling and not so much showing. Show us how and why Lyle is afraid instead of telling us "he was afraid" or "the voice was ominous".

Both points combine to make this first section completely predictable and uninteresting. Yawn-worthy if you will. If you hadn't requested, I wouldn't have bothered reading the rest of the story.

li'l golden men and women

Cutesy. Cut it. It would make sense if the rest of the narration were written with a dialect, but as it isn't, I suggest you write out all the words instead.

Also, this entire massive paragraph, aside from needing some breaking up, was just a massive description infodump. How many of those details do we, the reader, need to know right now? Not that many. The one redeeming aspect of that paragraph was how you showed us that Lyle was extremely superstitious, and that you did pretty well.

The sudden switch to Godfi's PoV struck me as a bit pointless. She has a paragraph, then it's back to Lyle. About the only reason I can see for the PoV switch is for the contrast between Godfi's self-image and how Lyle sees her, but that was so ham handed and cliche (girl thinks she's not pretty; it is obviously otherwise) that I think it could be cut entirely, or at least spread out over time in future parts.

As for the last part, the dialect seems to come out of nowhere, and then it disappears. Earlier on, Lyle's thoughts aren't in dialect. Now, suddenly they are, and it looks like he's got a stereotypical case of schizophrenia. But then the dialect disappears without a trace. Some consistency would be nice. If you can't maintain the dialect, I suggest getting rid of it entirely.

Overall, this bored me. It isn't the worst I've ever read, but it falls into that grey, middle category of bland, boring, and trying too hard. I suggest, for starters, that you weed out any unnecessary descriptions, abstain from using ellipses, and show us the actions/emotions/situations the characters experience rather than just stating it. Keeping the viewpoint and dialect consistent, and only switiching viewpoints when it makes sense for the story as a whole (meaning not just for the sake of characterization) will also make your story more enjoyable to read.

Above all, keep practicing. You do have a few gems buried in this; it's just a matter of digging them out and polishing them up. Good luck.