Young Writers Society

0:15
--They keep coming for me
Spreading, searching
Always looking for me
Crawling, digging
Soft sounds--

1:02
Low, my soul
Deep down, below
Hello, again
I won't let you in

1:33
Choosing me
Abusing me

1:40
--Always looking
For me
Crawling, digging
Under my skin--

1:56
My time is running out
This veil is worn thin
My conscience fades away
They rip and tear at my skin

My time is running out
No way that I can win
My conscience fades away
They exist beneath my skin

2:12
Just leave me alone
Please remain unknown


2:43
Low, my soul
Deep down, below
Hello, again
I won't let you in

[Nameless one
You haven't got me beat, yet


2:58
--They keep coming for me
Spreading, searching
Always looking for me
Crawling, digging
The softest sounds--

3:29
(Possible gap)


4:00
Just leave me alone
(Nameless one/And my conscience fades away
(You haven't got me beat, yet/And I fall farther, farther down)

4:15
Under my skin, sometimes
(Nameless one/And my conscience fades away)
One hell of a devil in disguise
(You haven't got me beat, yet/And I fall farther, farther down)

4:31
(The softest sounds).
- heavy vocal, possible megaphone effect. I want it to go BAM! Haunting, ghostly

This is really strange and awkwardly sad. You seem to be living in a paradox of constant fear ad will to life. You are apparently speaking of ghosts, so it's not that scary, however, the way you have sescribed it is amazing and touching.

write on, it's your thing.

THANKS! This is a song my band and I are gonna make. Once I get better I can sing it. I already have the musical part, I just gotta sing TT^TT I'll post our other songs!

Hey there!

Maki-Chan wrote:They keep coming for me
Spreading, searching
Always looking for me
Crawling, digging
Soft sounds

I'm assuming that this is a rock song? That's what it feels like to me.
But anyway, I don't really see what the last line has to do with anything before it. The first four lines feel intense and then there's this big shift to soft sounds which feels completely opposite.
If the next part is softer and that's like the lead into the softer part, maybe break it up.
"Crawling, digging

Soft sounds..."
And the ... can help a reader understand that it's being held out or it's transitioning into something.

Maki-Chan wrote:Low, my soul
Deep down, below
Hello, again
I won't let you in

Maybe this has some kind of meaning to you, but to me it just feels like a bunch of words that were put together. I don't know. I just don't really get what you're trying to say with this stanza.

Maki-Chan wrote:Just leave me alone
Please remain unknown

I feel like here you were just trying to get two words to rhyme together. I'll talk about this more later.

Maki-Chan wrote:[Nameless one
You haven't got me beat, yet

This confused me too. Who is the nameless one? What is going on here?

I think the overall concept of the song is cool. It's definitely creepy and mysterious. However, I don't really know what is going on and I'd kind of like to. Maybe try to tell more of a story with it so the reader or listener has more of a sense of what's happening and what you're trying to say with your song.
I feel like at some points it gets a little rhymey-rhymey and you're forcing the rhyme a little. Songs don't have to rhyme. And they don't have to follow a set rhyme scheme. I mean, some rhyme helps with the overall rhythm and stuff but not every other line has to rhyme, you know? So maybe try to make it sound more natural. Think back to when you first wrote it and try to remember if you were struggling to find words that fit in with the rhyme scheme and stuff or if all the words just flowed and you weren't thinking about a rhyme scheme at all.
The song had good rhythm, but I couldn't really hear the song playing in my head. I'm sure you do, cause you said you're going to play it with your band or something, so that's probably not a big thing to worry about.

-Carly